Happy 20th WdCversary, Victoria! I'm Dad, and I chose this for an anniversary review!
This is very humorous! I really enjoyed this. It looks like you a lot of fun writing this. And, I happen to know, writing (and reading) something like this can be cathartic, if necessary.
You said you haven't written in this format before. Could've fooled me. You wrote this very well. IMHO, it's always good to try to stretch our horizons, and I applaud you for that.
Happy 20th WdCversary, Helen! I'm Dad, and I chose this for an anniversary review!
This is very good. I was a little unsure of what happened as I read the story, and I'm still not sure exactly what happened, but this is actually a good thing. It lets us, the reader, fill in the blanks. Your use of the prompts fit exceptionally well. The building to the climax was good.
Couple of suggestions. Use a bigger font. I almost didn't choose this because of the tiny font causing eyestrain. Also, the contest was 17 years ago. Change the third genre to something else. Maybe Experience?
Late in the story, you say:
Kryssa lie on the floor, struggling for breath
Oops! A typo! Try this:
Kryssa lay on the floor, struggling for breath
Other than that, I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
Happy 24th WdCversary, Starr! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review!
I don't give 5 stars very often. Five stars means nearly or absolutely perfect. This fits the bill. Clear, concise, easy to read. What is there not to like about this? You used the wrong finger when you hit the submit button? This isna very good poem.
Happy 1st WdCversary, Howl! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
This is not a bad poem. IMHO, i would split this into quatrains. For example I'd change the first section. From this:
Let's share,
I'll pay the rent, always on time
and you'll tend to our home, without wasting a dime
to this:
Let's share, I'll pay the rent,
always on time,
and you'll tend to our home,
without wasting a dime.
But that is just a stylistic choice that is yours and yours alone.
The biggest problem with this for me is the lack of genres. I noticed that, for most of your posts including this one, your only genre is "None.". Why? Why go to all the trouble of writing and posting poems, only to hide them they will not be found? We post so people can and will read our words. For this, I would recommend Romance/Love, and Philosophical, Personal, Emotional, maybe there is another one that you can think of.
All in all, it's not a bad poem. I see no glaring errors.
Happy 25th WdCversary, Mithrandir! I'm Dad and I chose this for a birthday review.
One thing you must understand is that I played DnD when I was in college, 50 years ago. I was very proud when Son discovered it without my help, and taught his children when they were old enough to play.
That said, this is a very good story. The action is believable, and the characters are typical and well drawn out. The situations sound like anything any Dungeon Master would concoct. You left plenty of room for follow up, and the cliffhanger left me wanting to follow it. I really enjoyed this.
Happy 6th WdCversary, Matt Wii! I'm Dad, and I chose this for birthday review!
My apologies if I'm brutal here, i don't want to be mean. I want to help you improve this. You have a pretty good news story here. This has the potential to an awesome story, but it needs a lot of work. What I mean is, you have given us, the reader, a lot of necessary information. The thing is, you have told us. You should show us. At the end of the chapter, you show us Towns' conversation with the chief. Do that throughout the chapter. Rather than telling us The Hopper are urban legends in police departments, show us conversations between cops discussing The Hopper. Change this from:
Stories of people having their bodies possessed and being forced to commit crimes have been rampant for years now. It’s grown hard to know what stories are true and which are just tales made up by criminals expecting to get out of trouble.
to actually telling us a story of an actual Hop. Maybe a couple of them, vignette style.
Rather than telling us Towns' aunt murdered his father, show us. Not in bloody detail, but more than just in passing. The subsequent paragraphs can be treated like that.
This is not bad, just in need of some editing. You have come up with a great idea for a story. I see that you have posted more chapters. Good! I urge you to follow through with this. It really feels like an outline. Expand on this. This has a lot of potential. Go with this.
As you can imagine from our earlier conversations, this story has been difficult for me to read. But I did read it. You'll notice that I gave it 4 stars. So, while it is not something I would normally choose to read, I recognize that it is a good story.
You asked me if I thought you should move this last chapter up, make it maybe chapter 2. No, I don't think so. But, you might want to give us a glimpse of Roger's ultimate end, which ultimately is Hallel's failure, as chapter 3 or 4. Perhaps he stands in the back of the room at Roger's funeral, or maybe off to the side in a hospital room as he dies, and Hallel blames himself - hence the title My Failure. It doesn't have to be long, as a matter of fact, it probably shouldn't be. IMHO, you'd want to sprinkle flashbacks like this throughout your story.
However, that is just a suggestion. At the end of the day, the story is yours. You must do whatever you think is best for what YOU have to say.
I hope I have given you the help you were asking me for. I have done my best to keep my personal beliefs out of what I tried to tell you. This is a good story and I hope you continue it.
Happy 25th WdCversary, Medussa. I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
I was halfway through the second stanza before I realized your hook. Great hook, by the way. This is a really good poem. I love the way you repeat yourself, making tweaks here and there, showing Aphrodite's many facets.
Happy 21st WdCversary, stif. I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
Finding a selfless, giving person like this is a true blessing, and I'm glad you were able to find such a person. I must say, I really liked that you protected that person's privacy by not naming her. Nice touch!
Happy 1st WdCversary, laya_v! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
I really like this. And I usually don't go for freeform poetry. This is well written, concise, thought provoking, and pretty good philosophically. The allusion to the supposed wisdom of owls is excellent. I think I would've used the line "Wisdom is a funny phenomenon." more often, but that's a stylistic choice, one that could be easily overused.
Where I have a problem with this is genres. I noticed that all of your posts use None as the only genres. Why? We post so we can get eyes on our writing. I strongly urge you to add genres to all of your posts. I looked only at this post, so I can only comment on this poem. Philosophy strikes me right off the bat as a perfect genre for this poem. Inspirational, Emotional, and Personal also jump to mind. Please! List this in genres and get eyes on this great poem.
Other than that, I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
Happy 20th WdCversary, Rose Red! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review!
This is very interesting, and I'm not sure what to make of it. I like it very much. It gives you something to think about. To me, it seems like you are going for something abstract. Your word choices draw a picture of someone downtrodden and trying to hang on. I say well done.
Happy 10th WdCversary, RorySmith! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
This is an excellent op/ed piece. As an ugly American, I admit that I use the wrong word to describe the UK from time to time. Your writing explains the differences very well. Your arguments outline what we should all know.
Happy 20th WdCversary, Lonewolf! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review!
At the end, you stated that this isn't your usual style. It may not be your usual style, but you've done it extremely well. You faithfully hold to the original story, and masterfully integrate a modern character (who happens to be a classical character herself). Well done. My one criticism is, who is Griff? Maybe a little more detail there would be helpful.
Writing outside our comfort zone can be very fulfilling. I refer you to Chris Gaines. Garth Brooks' attempt at grunge didn't work, but at least he tried. There's Sir Paul's Liverpool Oratorio. The kindest of critics said the only interesting thing about the classical piece was who wrote it. U2 opened for themselves once as the country rock group The Dalton Brothers. Stretching our horizons can be very satisfying.
All in all, well done. I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
Happy WdCversary, Happy Mumsy Year!! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
I happen to love latkes!
This is well written. The instructions are simple and easy to understand. It sounds like a simple process to make.
Couple things I noticed. My eyes are as old as I am. Please use a larger font to increase readability. Also, you assume everybody is familiar with food processors and blenders. I am not. You might want to give a little more detail on this. Not a lot, no sense in dumbing it down too much, you'd lose your core audience.
As for your genres, you have this listed in Other. When the genre Food/Cooking is available. Why? This is Aunt Sandy's recipe, so I'd suggest you list it in Family.
Speaking of, did Aunt Sandy teach you the recipe when you were young? Tell us. Give us an amusing anecdote about learning the recipe. I wrote several recipes for my church's women's group's cookbook (men were allowed to contribute! LOL!). I included an anecdote with each recipe. IMHO, it increases the recipe's readability.
I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
Happy 18th WdCversary, Kellie Burke! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
This is nice little story. I really like the hook, when Lord Ullisys shows up. Good job.
However, this has numerous issues. There are a few minor typos. For example, the first paragraph:
Then, he heard of creak behind him.
I think you mean:
Then, he heard the creak behind him.
In the 4th paragraph, you say:
The golden light hits the young elf girl’s eyes that she retreated in the father’s chest.
Two things here. Your verb tenses are I consistent, and the language seems stilted, and formal. Try something like this:
The golden light hit the young elf girl’s eyes, and she buried her face in her father’s chest.
One other place I had a real problem with was this:
Leela held on to her father’s leg, near the knee, as the sky turned blue with the sun out. But is what he promised her when they watch the sun. When it came out, he pointed out to her a castle located mile away from the village.
To be perfectly honest, I'm really not sure what you want to tell me here. If I'm reading this right, you might want to word it like this:
Leela held on to her father's knee, watching the sun rise, turning the sky a beautiful deep blue. The sunrise illuminated what he promised her each time they watched the sunrise. As it appeared, he pointed out the castle. It sat about a mile from the village.
Like I originally said, this is a nice little story. I think you need to fix the problems I pointed out, do some editing on it, and it will be an adorable. Except for the phrase The Bitch Queen, this is a really nice children's story.
Happy 20th WdCversary, Lynn McKenzie! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
I happen to agree with your opinion. Let's put a broader grin on the Mona Lisa. Yeah, don't work for me, either.
Your reasoning is sound, your arguments are valid, and the writing is spot on. You are correct, there is a huge difference between remastering, which cleans the Mona Lisa, and remixing, which adds the aforementioned grin. You'd have convinced me, had I not already been convinced.
Happy 15WdCversary, Anthony Matthews, I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
And am I glad I did. I look at this, see that you posted this 13 years ago, and am dumbfounded that this hasn't been rated before. I even see two genres, and I'm flabbergasted. Then I see Item Type Other, and become a little less surprised. Please change type to Short Story.
That did not take anything away from this phenomenal story. I rarely give 5 stars. Five stars means nearly perfect and this fits the bill. The ending was predictable, but who cares! That is the logical conclusion. As for The Son being conceived under the tree, thanks for the chuckle.
Only one thing I noticed. Early in the story, you say:
The somber gate of the man and the boy showed no reflection of the sun’s warmth.
when you mean:
The somber gait of the man and the boy showed no reflection of the sun’s warmth.
"Gate" is an opening in a fence. "Gait" is walking speed. The minor error, however, through me for a loop.
All in all, I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
Happy 1st WdCversary, Geirr. I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
This is good, but it has 2 very big issues, and you're going to laugh when I point them out. Your description is Flash Fiction, and your only genre is none. The reason we post is to get eyes on our words. That this is flash fiction is important, but the more information you can squeeze into the description, the more eyes will light on our words. We are allotted 90 characters, use as many of them as you can. As for genres, we have to find your story to read your description so we can put our eyes on your words. I found this ambit funny, so Comedy could be a good fit. Since You are talking to AI, Science might work. You decide. The point is that a lot of writers are good writers and lousy marketers. Selling our work is just as important as creating it.
As for the writing itself, this is very good, which is why you got 4 stars. I was glad to see the AI, Chuck, on the side of turning it in. It'd be interesting to see how the story changes if Chuck was the one saying, the hell with him! You need the cash! Keep it. You might want to write a companion piece on that supposition. Don't laugh. I've done that, and have one such story posted in my port.
Happy 20th WdCversary, cwiz! I'm Dad and I chose this for a birthday review
I was immediately drawn to this by the description. I love retelling of well-known stories from an unexpected POV, and Cinderella's cat certainly fits the bill.
The old cliché is, always leave 'em wantin' more. You left me wantin' more. A lot more. I feel that this is too short. iMHO, you could greatly expand on this. This almost feels like an outline. Show us more. When did Whiskers become Ella's pet? Did he (she?) know her father? Was he there before Dad passed, leaving Ella at the mercy of her steps? Describe in more detail the hunt for the rats. You don't want to go into graphic detail, just the stalking of the prey. Go into more detail on Ella's humiliation before the ball. This is a huge part of the story from Ella's POV. Did the 🧚♂️ fairy godmother's appearance scare Whiskers? Describe Ella's first dance with the prince from Whiskers' POV. Describe him skulking around the palace. I think I would find these details make the story much more satisfying.
All that said, I gave you 4 stars. That obviously means I love this story. I do have an issue with the 3rd genre, Writing. Children's? Of course (it was another thing that attracted this guy, a grandpa whose handle is Dad.) Fantasy. Doubtless. Writing? There are better choices. Parody perhaps, maybe Animal or Emotional. Writing isn't wrong but I think there's a better choice.
Happy 5th WdCversary, Bob! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review!
To me, this looks like an outline for a really good story. IMHO, this is crying to be fleshed out. You've told us a good story is here. I urge you to show us. You tell us she is good with color coordination. Show us. You say:
I'm good with color coordination and have learned to sew.
Try it something like this (writing fashion is WAY out of my wheelhouse. You can definitely improve on this):
I looked at the clothes that I recently sewed. I combined a cute dark green tube top and a light-weight light blue button-down blouse with a knee-length multi-colored skirt I sewed last week. Some of my best work is improving and reworking second-hand clothes I find in thrift stores.
You give 2 lines to the formal dance. This Cinderella story deserves a lot more. Lots more.
All in all, I strongly urge you, no, I beg you, to revisit this, revise this. There is too much story here to not flesh this out more.
Happy 12th WdCversary, David the Dark one! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
I found this by pursuing your port. You beg for reviews in your description, yet you hide it in a single genre, one nobody ever looks in. The first thing you need to do is list this in genres. Historical, and War come right to mind, and there are probably a number of others that this would fit in.
The first thing that leaps out to me is early in the story is your tenses are not consistent. For example, 3rd paragraph starts:
Colonel Smith looks up and moves across the room. “Let me see those orders, Boy,” he said as he snatched the orders from his hands
Note the bolded words. See what I mean?
Also, the conversation with the officers seems stilted. But we don't get a sense of his uncertainty until after the meeting. Maybe try to show his uncertainty with the officers by showing a slight sense of bravado around them. Perhaps something like: "And we'll whip these ungrateful colonists into shape in no time!"
All in all, this is a nice piece of historical fiction. And who knows? Maybe Paul Revere got a tip from a stable boy overhearing loose lips! Stranger things have happened.
Happy 15th WdCversary, Spiritual Dawning! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
This is a very nice poem. The cadence works, the rhyming scheme is perfect, and natural. It looks natural, like you just sat down and the words fell out of your pen effortlessly. That tells me that you probably worked very hard on this.
Happy. 25th WdCversary, Alexandra! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
I have mixed emotions about this. I see current events in the US. I see images of Nazi Germany. I see Orwell's Animal Farm. My initial thought is it goes too far, and at the same time not far enough, in condemning what's going on in this country.
As for the piece itself, to me, it feels like an outline. Notes written to get your thoughts together to write something bigger. One thing I noticed. It seems that your first sentence is in the third person, the rest in first person. It's a bit confusing. When you followed the friend into the Isonomy Party meeting, I had no idea what the Isonomy Party was. Lots of things in this like that, that could use some explanation. That is why I said it feels like an outline.
That said, it's a good outline, one I suggest you consider following, expanding and fleshing out. It has the potential to be a great story. After all, Animal Farm was a scathing takedown of Stalinist Russia. How do we know this, when Orwell himself half-heartedly denied it? Simple. Stalin banned it in the Soviet Union!
Happy 10th WdCversary, Mousethyme-no romance, I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review!
I really enjoyed this. You set up the story very well, and you draw the different personalities excellently. I liked the way you described Marcus's disdain for the fledglings. Your description of Damian reminds me of Meat Loaf's character in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Was that intentional? (Please note that I have seen that movie only once and didn't like it. Daughter-in-Law loves it, and that is how I am familiar with it.)
The only thing I saw was the font. Please use a larger font. This is hard to read because of the small font. I never take off points for font - that would not be fair to you.
Happy 1st WdCversary, Ju-Ju! I'm Dad, and I chose this for a birthday review.
This is a good poem. You have captured the essence of fairies. It is fanciful. I really like the beginning. Towards the end, it feels like you are telling me that since you no longer believe in fairies, I shouldn't believe in them either. IMHO, it would've been a better ending if you had pined for just one more glimpse of a fairy.
As it is, I still gave it 4.5 stars, so obviously I still enjoyed this.
I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
Write on
Smiles
Dad
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