Happy 19th WdCversary, onox. I chose this for a birthday review.
My eye was instantly drawn to this, having been bullied myself as a teenager. (Obviously, I, too, survived, albeit away from where the bullying occurred.)
This is good, but IMHO, needs work. I had to reread several passages to make sense of them. For example, this paragraph:
At the age of fourteen, I was just beginning to feel like a confident human being. I wanted so desperately to slough of my shyness and to show bullies that I couldn't be picked on. The voice that told me not to move a muscle also told me that today would not be the day I would stand up for my rights.
Try something like this:
I had just turned 14 and beginning to gain my confidence. I desperately wanted to slough off my shyness and show the bullies I couldn't be picked on. Alas, not this day. The voices that told me not to move a muscle also told me that today was not be the day to stand up for my rights.
I also feel this should be longer for more character development, for all the characters. As it is, all we have is Mr. Kim being grumpy as usual, Eddie and his posse as cardboard cutouts, and "me" and Benny as little more.
All this is not to say that this isn't good. This definitely has potential, and it wouldn't take much work to make this very good. I urge you to take the time and build on this. This strikes me as an outline, notes for something bigger, better.
Happy 23rd WdCversary, sanguine! I chose this for a special birthday review. First, a disclaimer. I am usually not a fan of this type of poetry. That said, this is very good. Well done. Your approach to the subject spot on. You describe the descent into The Great Next as well as I have ever seen.
Happy 14th WdCversary! I selected this forms special birthday review. This is excellent. I really enjoyed this, and I am not a fan of poetry.
As I read this, I kept getting the idea that you were inspired to write this by the poem at the end of The Moody Blues "Nights in White Satin," called "The Late Lament.". Are you even familiar with that? BTW, that is high praise.
Happy 21st WdCversary, peoplewatcher! I chose this humorous article for a WdC birthday review!
This is good. I like your conversational style you wrote this in. IMHO, it strengthens the impact of your words.
One thing I would strongly urge you to do is to put genres on this. Nobody ever looks in Other for something to read. I would recommend Comedy, Biographical, Activity, Travel or Holiday, just off the top of my head.
Otherwise, I see nothing else I would change, no glaring errors.
And happy 20th WdCversary! I chose this funny story for your WdC birthday review. This is great. It's funny, skewering Southern ladies nicely. I've lived in Florida for nearly 40, so I have an idea of what I'm talking about. I giggled and snickered all the way through this. You have done well.
Happy 3rd WdCversary! I selected this for a special WdCversary review.
Unfortunately, it's not a good sign when there is a typo in the first line. There's a "Balck" hue to the universe? Are you sure it's not "black"? I really didn't understand what you were trying to tell us. I felt no emotional impact.
Happy 9th WdCversary, WakeUpAndLive. Bravo! Well done. This is very good. The story is well thought out, and well written. The pacing is very good. My one suggestion would be to stretch it out a bit more, extend the suspense. As it is, it's not necessary, and to be blunt, if done wrong, would only detract from this fine piece of writing.
Hello Beautiful Candy, and happy 11th WdCversary. I chose this story to give you an account birthday review. This story has an important message, and is very thought provoking. I did like this.
However, it lacks something. To me, it feels like a news story. If that was what you were going for, that is fine. I think the characters, especially Efren and Cornelia, need fleshing out. But I think the math teacher deserves nothing less than a name, maybe showing Mr. Daniels agreeing to the plan. I would suggest using this as notes, and write a longer version. Show, don't tell: "I was early for class. I wandered into my first period math class and saw Efren dozing in his chair." And go from there.
I would also suggest showing her troubles early in the story, with her not getting into the school she wanted, only into this was when Aunt Bessie (or whoever) came through with the funds.
Happy 1st WdCversary, Tucker. I chose this as a WdCversary review. This is excellent background on what looks like a good, fun series of stories, and I just might come back and read your other entries. Just don't count on getting reviews of them from Dad. You might; you might not.
As I said, this is good. I have a couple oif recommendations. Mark this, either in the title or the description, as the prologue of the series. That way readers won't be left wondering whet the hell is going on if they jump into the middle of another story in this series, and you won't have to waste time explaining what DPA is in each story.
Also, in the origins of DPA section, you state:
The organization was founded by four nations, those being the United States of America, Great Britain, France, and Italy.
Try this:
The organization was founded by four nations, the United States of America, Great Britain, France, and Italy.
Without those 2 words I took out, it flows much easier. See if you have extraneous words elsewhere in your writing.
And just FYI, I do it all the time.
Otherwise, I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
Happy 1st WdCversary! And, if I read your bio correctly, you should be (or recently) graduated from high school, so double congratulations! I chose your item for a special WdCversary review.
This is excellent! You have done very well. I kept seeing illustrations for this as if they were from the Berenstain Bears book. With this story, you have given children a challenging yet fun read. This is a whimsical tale, which should capture a child's imagination.
One thought I have is change the 3rd genre. Nobody looks for something to read in the genre Other. Change it to Activity, or maybe Fantasy. Another suggestion is is you might want to involve your readers in making the pizza. Expand a little bit on spreading the dough, spreading the cheese, dishing up the sauce, and, IMHO, dive into the slicing the pineapple. As it is, this is an excellent story, regardless, and doesn't need expanding, but I think it could include your readers a little bit more, which would make it all the more exciting for kids.
Congratulations on your 22nd WdCversary! I selected this piece for a birthday review!
Have you ever heard of Anne McCaffery's Dragonriders of Pern? I read a few of those in the 80s or 90s. This has that feeling to it. This is a good thing. You have done well with this. One question I have to ask is if Maldar is in the atmosphere. If not, how does the dragon breath? If so, why does he need a space fighter?
I think I might have gone with a 13+ rating because of the danger, specifically, when the dragon grabs the space fighter, but that is a minor thing.
Otherwise, I see no other glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
Happy 12th WdCversary. I chose to give this a review in honor of your account anniversary. Remember, this is just one man's opinion. This is a good poem. I had to go back and reread parts of it. The cadence, which is important to me, is a little off in places. Maybe a tweek here or a change of word there would help. The rhymes are good. The emotions are muted, but still obvious, which is a good thing.
You have captured the essence of the matter very well. And I am in a position to know. In another life, 40 years ago, I was a struggling disc jockey working in a tiny radio station in the middle of nowhere. A girl was visiting her sister in the town I was working in. We met over the phone. She could have written this, and she claimed that she stalked me. We celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary on June 8. Funny how things will work out.
Congratulations on your 7th WdC account anniversary! I selected you for an anniversary! Bear in mind that this is all one man's opinion.
You have a good start to a good story or a series here. The beginning is a big info dump (of which I am a serious offender). Try showing us instead of telling us. One idea might be to show her shapeshift at her adoption. I realize she was young at the time, but you do say she'd always done it. You say that her shape-shifting causes chaos, then show it as a humdrum occurrence. OK, maybe Mom's used to it. So is Sally. But Yancy acts everybody shapeshifts. You could work on that. You have her shape-shift into a Transformer who transforms into a fighter, then fly off, end of story. What did she do? What did she see? Did anyone see her doing loop the loops over the city park? Did the Air Force scramble jets to see who as attack the city?
Like I said, good start to a good series, but it needs work. I encourage you to revisit this and try. You can do it! Good luck!
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is very good. Definitely mysterious. I'm left wondering what it all means. Congratulations! Well done! I see no reason to clear up any of the questions this raises. As I was reading this, my mind kept bringing up film noir images, expecting Rick to tell Sam to play it. Excellent!
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
Remember, this is just one man's opinion. This is good, but it needs so e work. The rhyming scheme is fine. Maybe not spot on, but good nonetheless. The cadence, on the other hand, needs work. There are places where simply removing a word would make it flow more naturally. Other places, adding a small, throwaway word would also improve the flow. I think you'll understand what I mean if you read this out loud.
Finally, the genres. Emotional is fine. Other is not. I would recommend Personal, Death, maybe Dark. In all, this is good.
I found this by clicking on the Recent Reviews link, and following Cubby's link.
I must say that you have inspired me. I will be checking the link st the bottom and I might actually entering a contest, something I rarely do. Now, on with the review.
I too make homemade Corned Beef hash. This is because the caned corned beef hash has too much salt in it and I have to watch my salt intake due to blood pressure concerns. Now, back to the review.
This is well thought out. I enjoyed the story at the end. I liked that you included it, as it humanized the recipe. This is well written. I see no glaring err, nothing I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
Oh, this is good. Cute. I have one suggestion. In the 4th paragraph, after David shushes Jack, you say, "Confused Jack stopped, but didn’t talk. As he watched, David seemed to be looking for something in his jacket.". Confused? I am. I'd suggest:
"Confused, Jack stopped, and silently watched as David struggled with his jacket. Was he looking for something in it?".
I think that would be a little clearer.
I agree with Jack, and I'm curious about how the parents justify the mic that work's only when they test it.
On the other hand, there's the Dad Application of Murphy's Law: "Any malfunctioning electronic or mechanical device, when shown to the repairman, works perfectly."
I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the read & review link.
Remember: This is just one mans opinion.
This is a good start. A good review and rewrite would help a great deal. J found this difficult to read because of punctuation errors. There are numerous extraneous commas scattered throughout this. Also, I think establishing that the narrator is a T Rex who doesn't like that name would be very helpful. I also think accepting the Compys name and the Orni...whatever's name but not his own is somewhat contradictory. Basically, this looks like a good outline for a story to me, it just needs fleshing out.
Two very important things for me: The description: "a story from a dinosaur's point of view."
I'm not reading it. "A Jurassic Park like story told from a dinosaur's point of view." I might read it, if I can find it. Which leads directly to the second point: Ge res. The contest was 15 years ago. I hope contest entrants are still waiting 15 years later. Change the genre. Other. Nobody looks in Other to read something. Change it. Fanfiction. Perfect! Use that as your first genre. Others you should consider include Action/Adventure, Drama, Nature, Animal, you choose.
Like I said, this is not bad. It needs work. Use this piece as an outline for something bigger and better. You can do it. I have confidence in your abilities.
I may not be the right person to judge free-form poetry, as I am not a fan, but I'll give it my best shot.
IMHO, this is not bad, just average. I feel that poetry should draw a picture of what it is describing, and I got just fleeting scraps of a picture. I understand that you are attempting to describe the the first longings of intense physical interpersonal interactions. As I recall from 50+ years ago, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with each female I saw, I just didn't know how to do it. Maybe if the male portion of the poem a sense what do I do? it might make things a little more picturesque. Overall, this is not bad.
I see no glaring were, nothing I would change.
Thank you for the GPs and the offer. I was greatly surprised and hobby your request. And I hope I have helped you.
I found this by clicking on the Read &Review link.
This is very good. You make us feel her tension building, and when it gets to the boiling point, when hubbikins steps in, I could actually feel MY blood pressure drop as she relaxes. Excellent! Very good job!
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
First off, what I feel is a minor detail, while being very important at the same time. Your genres are Contest Entry, and Other. We want people to read our stories. That is why we post. No one looks in those genres. The contest was 3 years ago. Ditch that genre. Ditch "Other". I'd recommend Family, Comedy, Personal, maybe Experience. You'll likely get more people reading this.
And on that note, this is good. I feel that, now that the contest is over, you should consider extending this. I think it could be improved by giving a little detail.
Otherwise, i see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is not bad. The rhyming scheme is spot on. The cadence seemed strained at times, but not too far off. Please remember that 3.5 stars is better than average.
I found no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
Ah, the trevails of education. It's not how we learn, it's that we learn. Unfortunately, I too have had the misfortune of learning about poison ivy the wrong way.
This is very well written. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change. (other than realizing it's poison ivy earlier, you understand). One thing I might suggest is a word count. That said, you don't see them on my post either.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This was very good. I like your take on the contracts between us and subjugated species. I grew up on a farm, so I have a pretty good idea of the outcome of those negotiations. I think one thing I'd have you do is add chickens to your list. After all, we steal their young (eggs), and when they stop giving them, we eat them. Doesn't seem like a good deal for them to me. (Truth in Advertising: I'm not much for eating chicken myself, but love eggs!)
Another thing I noticed: The contest was 5 years ago. I recommend you remove the Contest Entry and replace it with another.
Overall, I see no glaring errors, nothing else I recommend changing.
Write on
Smiles
Dad
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