I found this when I clicked on the Read & Review link.
This is very very good. I like this very much. There are a couple of issues. You introduced the characters by their first names, then they refer to each other by their last names. Nothing wrong with the characters by their last names, but the first couple of times, I wasn't sure who they were referring to. I also got their last names confused, but that's probably more on me.
Also, late in the first chapter, you write: "Weeks passed, and suddenly, Adrian was everywhere."
Then you start chapter two with this: "After that, Adrian started showing up. Everywhere."
Um, yeah. He already has.
There are a few other continuity issue scattered elsewhere that could be worked on.
All in all, this is excellent. I do not normally read this type of story, nor do I write type of story. But this my normal type of review. There's a reason I read this. I have written a teen romance. Yeah, big surprise for me, and Mom (my wife) didn't believe it until she read it, but I did. You call teen romance your specialty. I'm going to send you a formal review request for my story, "It Started Backstage" and I would consider it a personal favor if you would be so kind as to give me a review. Thank you in advance.
Back to this, congratulations on a very good story.
I read a recent review of this on the Recent Reviews link.
I have to agree with the previous reviewer. This sounds delicious, but why thin spaghetti? It may sound strange that I, a man, like to read recie, but I do And I love spaghetti. This recipe is well put together, the step by step instructions are easy to follow, which is what we want when writing a recipe, and the feeds number at the end is a thoughtful addition
I found this when I read Ichabod Crane's review on the Recent Reviews link.
This is a good story. There are issues. It wasn't immediately apparent Falco was a bird, and never clear what kind of bird. It's never clear to me what Krystal is. Also, this is wordy. The first three sentences could be reworked together:
Falco's mind wandered as he walked down the hall when the falcon heard someone call him. "Oh, hi, Krystal," he greeted the fox. "What brings you here?"
I agree with Ichabod, the laugh sequence seriously interrupts the story. I could not make out what Krystal was trying to say.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is interesting. This is not bad, but IMHO, it is not good, either. There are issues with this. The cadence is not steady. There are places that it moves well, and others where it lurches. Each pair of lines rhymes, which is good, except lines 5 & 6, which is off-putting at best.
Now, I am not a poet. Compare my poem, "A Really Lousy Poem" and it will prove this statement. My cadence is off, I had to go to ridiculous lengths to rhyme, but that was my intention. I don't get that vibe from this.
Please don't be discouraged. Always remember: If at first you don't succeed, try pitching!
I found this when I clicked on the Read & Review link.
For not being a fan of poetry, I really liked this? It is very good. I see no glaring errors. I did see one very minor thing I would change. In the last stanza, the second line, I think I would've wrote it "such power's within your reach.". To me, the cadence flows better.
If that is the only thing I have to critique, you must have done well. Which you have.
I found this when I clicked on the Read & Review button.
This is good. Well thought out, well executed, very well written. You have done very well. There are no glaring errors, nothing I would change, I have no suggestions.
I found this when I clicked on the Read & Review button.
This is an excellent children's story. As a grandpa to a granddaughter who loves Anna and Elsa, I could feel her elation. Granddaughter would act that way. Then, I could feel Cassidy's letdown. You wrote it very well.
I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change. You wrote this well.
I found this when I clicked on the Read & Review button.
This is good. I enjoyed reading this. You conveyed the action well. I could see the action perfectly. I see no glaring errors.
I would recommend that you add the science fiction genre. I think there is something similar to stream of conscience in the genre list. I may be thinking of monologue. Add that, too. More views is why we post.
I found this when I checked the Recent Review button. I am friends with the previous Reviewer.
The influence of my favorite Psalm is obvious. I like the way you handle that. Very good. I see some if the typos Deemac mentioned. A guy who guards sheep is a shepherd. A Shepard is a last name. There are things I look up, as well.
Typos are going to happen. I find them in pieces I posted on site 20 years ago. They happen.
An enjoyable read. I sampled the Youtube video. Well done.
I saw a recent review of this when I clicked on the "Recent Reviews" button.
This is good. I agree with the previous reviewer, it does have a certain H G Wells feel to it. There is nothing wrong a bare-bones approach. Have you ever heard the 1978 album Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of the Worlds? This is a rock and roll version of Wells' novel with David Essex, Justin Hayward and others. I heard it when it was new, but I can still hear Richard Burton as the Narrator. I heard his voice as I read this. (I hope you understand this is a compliment.)
I also agree with the previous reviewer. There are several typos that could be fixed. There were some grammatical errors. I like the way the king didn't exactly speak correct English, but if it was intentional, please keep the accent consistent.
Overall, this is good. Other than what I mentioned, I see nothing I would change.
I found this when I clicked on the Read & Review button.
I laughed out loud reading thus. You say this is a contest entry. Was the prompt "You and your friend are sitting in jail. In 4 words, what does he say?" in poetic form? I enjoyed this. I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change. I enjoyed this. Well done.
This is a good story, even if I figured out the twist early on.
That said, there are issues with this, in my humble opinion. I feel like the language is overly florid, almost an Edward Bulwer-Lytton feel. I feel there are too many flowery comparisons. What I'm trying to say is you could cut out some of the adjectives and make it stronger.
Of course, this is just my opinion. I want to understand that I have to cut out flowery adjective phrases in my writing.
All in all, this is a good story. It conveys his sadness at the beginning. And remember, all this is just one man's opinion.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review button.
This is good advice. The power of positive thinking is verifiably true. It has been proven to be true.
Your writing is excellent. Clear and concise. I see no glaring errors. If I were to suggest any changes, it would be to add the phrase I mentioned earlier: The power of positive thinking.
This popped up when I clicked on the Rate & Review button.
Odd, strange, but good. I don't see any glaring errors, nothing I would change. It is well written. I might recommend making it a little more emotional. Let Mom cry. Some more of your emotions. Show memories while digging the grave.
I'm always thankful for my brother burying my little dog Dutchess. I understand your mom's appreciation.
This popped up when I clicked on the Rate & Review button.
I realize you wrote this 4 years ago. Wow! You have here a GREAT hook. I want to know more! What happened to him? How did he get injured? Who did the kid's Mom talk to to get the ambulance? Who are they? Work on this! Expand this. Send it to James Patterson and he'll write it into a Women's Murder Club novel.
OK. Maybe that last part is farfetched.
Seriously, I like this and if I wrote mysteries, I might appropriate the theme and run with it. I don't, but you do. You can run with this. Give it a shot.
Technically this is good. The rhyming scheme is good, the cadence is fine. I see no glaring errors. You have written this well. The only thing I might consider changing is the result of the election. Oh, well. We've screwed up twice now.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
Oh, wow! Am I glad I found this! This is excellent! I love that you show them about to meet, but not quite there yet. I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change. You have done well.
Very well done. Excellent! Fantastic twist at the end, never saw it coming. This is very well written. I think the only change I would suggest is the final line. It's good as is, but IMHO, it would work better thusly: "Well, I guess you were right this time!" Trent said as the two dogs excitedly rushed out of pipe, smelling the delicious broken bag of garbage strewn on the ground. The story is yours, mine is just a suggestion.
I want you to understand that I grew up in Indiana. I left Indiana in 1983, and moved to Florida in 1986.
As a resident of Florida, I'd like to take a minute to say, your weather is in my front yard. Please please please come and get it.
In the interest of truth-in-advertising, I live nowhere near Pensacola, where they got 8" of snow yesterday. I got none. But today's high temperature was 44*. Nonetheless, please please please please come and get your weather.
I found this when I clicked on the Read & Review button. Personally I prefer traditional poetry like this, and you have done it well. The cadence and the rhyming scheme are good I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change. Very good.
What a great story! I realize this is flash fiction, therefore I have two suggestions. First, leave this alone. Do no editing. But make one addition, which is my second suggestion: Right a new version of this. Use this as a tease for the longer version. I envision maybe 2,500 to as many as 7,500 words. Give us some background. How long has Ally followed the band? It this the first time she saw them in concert? How long has she played guitar? Did she pick it up because the singer plays? Add details I haven't thought about. Don't be afraid of more than one version of a story. I wrote and posted two versions of "It Started Backstage (His POV)" because I could. I need to tell that story from two different perspectives.
Give it a shot. Sometimes these stories just write themselves.
This is well written. The cadence is good, the rhyming scheme fits. I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change (except an outright ban on war, but...)
I find this reminiscent of World War I poetry, but don't ask me which ones. I'm certainly not a poetry expert
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