I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is good, but it has issues. You say the birds were chirping within the tree, and later, the milk is within his hand. I think using the simpler "in" is a better choice. I get pictures of the birds inside the tree, and the half gallon inside his hand.
I also think you should bring out his superstitious nature a little better. Maybe at the beg, say, he superstitiously rubbed the lucky rabbit's foot. Maybe, after dressing, have him do a superstitious ritual before leaving. Note that he follows the same path every time he goes to the gas station.
Another thing: The contest was 15 years ago. Change the genre. Supernatural is perfect. I would add Comedy, and maybe Dark. You, of course, choose.
I found no glaring errors, like misspellings, grammar, things like that.
Please remember that this is just one man's opinion. As it is, this a good piece of writing and I'm glad you shared it for me to find. Thank you.
I found this by looking at the Recent Reviews list, and thought I'd give it a go.
I agree with Cubby: There is a problem with Paragraph 4. My suggestion is this: Instead of "I’m not sure what mirror me is looking at in the mirror," maybe "I'm not sure what the me in the mirror is looking at...". Just a suggestion.
Otherwise, this is good. I also got a kick out of this. When the wife slaps him ,I see the glee in Mom's face if I ever asked her to slap me.
I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read &Review link.
Congratulations! You got a 5-star rating from Dad. I don't normally give out a 5-star rating. Five stars is nearly, or absolutely perfect. This fits. I would add the genre Inspirational, but that doesn't detract from the prayer. Thank you for sharing.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is well thought out and well written. Not to take anything away from you, as surrogate dad for numerous children, boys and girls, I assure you that boys can feel the sting of rejection by the sperm donor as well, and it's heart-breaking.
I figured I'd check your port as long as I was at it, saw this, and said, eh, why not. First off, the rating on this should also be 18+, same reason I gave you earlier.
This is also well thought out, well written, and memorable. I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is very good. One very important thing I have to mention. You rated E. This is definitely note E. Please change the rating. Upper Management can change the rating, and the ratings will be locked, and you wouldn't be able to change it. Yes, I am guilty. I stupidly left Maria Ekena and the Pirates at E, a bounced a ratings check. Oops. I would recommend 18+.
OK. Back to this. I found this to well thought out, well written. There is very little character development, but strangely for me, that doesn't detract from the piece.
I see no other glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
I found this to be a downer, which may have affected my rating. I prefer upbear, uplifting works. This is not bad. It is well written. Technically there are no issues.
One more link to follow, one more dropped gauntlet pick up. Yes us elder statesmen (or old farts, you choose) must hang together, lest they hang us separately.
This is very good. Well thought out, well executed.
I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change. Other than the errors of my youth. I wouldn't excise them so much as go back and improve them. Maybe they are errors, but now I know how to have more fun doing them.
I invite you to my portfolio to browse & see if there is anything that might strike your fancy.
I followed your link. This is very good. I do hear CSN's Dark Star in this. *sigh* I must be in a Moody Blues mood, because I heard The Late Lament in this, too.
This is excellent as well. Well thought out, well executed. I had a friend in high school (I won't tell you how old I am, but I graduated in 1978, a few years before I was born) & he liked to write poetry based on songs on the radio. His Forte was John Denver songs. We lost touch years ago.
I found this following a link on the Recent Reviews link.
Boy do I sympathize. There are days when I would ask myself who Donna is and why she is pushing buttons, and end up writing about the chemical chemical component dihydrogen monoxide, the distance from Chicago to a degree in Japanese literature, or Denebian Slime Devils!
This is very well written, well thought out, evenly paced and funny. Since the contest is 9 years in the past, you might want to remove Contest Entry from the genres and add a different on.
This to be not bad. I think it would have been better as a story, filling it in with many more details. Talk about the people met along the way, describing the sites seen, etc.
Bear in my, this is just one man's opinion.
I see no glaring err, nothing that needs to be changed.
I found this by clicking on on the Read & Review link.
This is not bad. The green font at the beginning is very difficult to read, which did bring down the score. The purple font of the body I much easier to read. I recommend changing the color on the introduction to a darker green.
Otherwise, this is good. I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is good. The dialogue sounds reasonably natural, the scenario is something that 4 year olds would worry about, especially if the 4 year Olds were celebrating their first Florida Christmas. I do have a suggestion. The genres. Contest Entry was fine 3 years ago. The contest, I assume, is over. Get rid of that genre, and relace it with others. I would recommend Family, Comedy, Holiday, things like that.
Also, third line from the end has an extraneous quote mark.
I see no glaring errors, nothing else i would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is very good. I see a definite film noir bit on this. Humphrey Bogart and Peter Lorre as the brothers, Lauren Bacall as the girl the father, played by Broderick Crawford (who is actually younger than the 2 previously mentioned actors). Maybe get Spencer Tracy or Burgess Meredith to play the lawyer. The movie's gotta be black and white.
Seriously, I found no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is good. It is, in a word, authentic. I do believe that when listing things that can be mistaken for love, lust must be listed. For example, during his teens, Joe lusted after anything in a dress. In his 20s, he met Sue. It was love at first sight, and he instantly new the difference.
You still received 4.5 ⭐ stars. Bear in mind this is just one man's opinion.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is good. I really enjoyed this. One suggestion: This is funny! Ditch the genre "Other" and replace it with comedy. Nobody looks in the genre Other, and getting eyes on our writing is why we post.
I do have another suggestion. When Dempsey finally fesses up, go a little farther in showing the passage of time. I'd like to suggest adding one more sentence at the beginning of the paragraph:
Dempsey sheepishly approached me, his head down.
Seven words. I think it'll make a world of difference.
Bear in mind, this is just one man's opinion.
Otherwise, I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
Well, I'm not a country music fan, but I'd put this on my Spotify list. This is definitely a country song. This is very good. I was trying to write music for it in my head as I went along. Alas, I can't write music.
I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
(Truth be told, I have quite a bit of country on my Spotify - I just played Donna Fargo's "Funny Face." I just have more rock, pop and disco. I also have jazz, New Wave, big band, folk ...)
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
I'm sorry for the end of your relationship.
This is well written, but I have a couple of suggestions. Please put a couple of spaces after the period at the end of the sentence. Forgive me, the word.Word format looks weird to me.
The second suggestion is far more serious. For the love of God, use genres! No one will read this if they cannot find it! I would recommend Personal, Relationship, maybe Love. Find a couple of them so this can be found. Getting eyes on our words is why we post. Please use it. This is very good and needs to be seen.
I do want to know why you have a line break in the middle of the lines, where I think they aren't necessary.
Otherwise, this is a good piece of writing. J liked this.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is good. Interesting. There is truth in your words. One thing. I noticed that the first word was not capitalized. Was this on purpose? If so, that is fine.
I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
I think it's a good piece of writing when the most important criticism is on the title. "bloody" is fine, but IMHO, "I'm Sorry" might be better. This is good. You convey your inner turmoil very well.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
I didn't expect much when I started this, since I am not a fan of free-form poetry. However, this is good. You have conveyed the experience of living away from family, and done a good job. I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
Write on
Smiles
Dad
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