I enjoyed this story. The twist squeezed into the end was excellent and threw this man's occupation into an entirely different dimension.
The only part of this that bewildered me was the giggle when the man was begging for his life.
Previously the main character had been caught in an internal tug of war. He seemed regretful about his occupation and then you fip the switch and he becomes cold again. This was a little distracting.
I love this! This is something that I would have written if I had of thought of it.
I could not have said this any better than you have.
I am in complete agreement with you. Too much emphasis is put on people's opinions anyway. It is time that people started being who they want to be without any inhibitions and people started keeping their opinions to themselves unless asked otherwise.
No! Grey does not matter, unless it matters to the person!
This Poem has a lot of potential. You touch on a subject that opens up many possibilities. Freedom, whether it is wanted or not opens up many opportunities for the person it is bestowed upon.
This Poem would be greatly improved if you were to add some depth into this by 'showing' us how you feel instead of 'telling' us. Incorporate more emotion to allow your reader to be swept up in it. Manipulate your audience with your words.
I did notice one visible error in the content. On the last line 'in' should be 'it'.
The suggestions I have given are 'suggestions' only.
You are the only person who knows what is right for your work. Feel free to use them if you find them helpful and discard the rest.
Well done and best of luck with your future writings.
Write on!
This is a well thought out story. The flow is nice and slow giving me a lulling and relaxing feeling while I was reading it.
It has been a long time since I have read a story where everything turned out to be a dream. I am not usually a fan of this conclusion being incorporated into stories but you successfully made it work. Well done.
I did notice some minor visible errors in the content that I will point out to you as follows:
1. Line 14- Add 'the'{:blue} after 'through'.
2. Line 19- Remove 'the' in between 'as' and 'she'.
3. Line 22- You have written 'three' and I think you meant 'tree'?
4. Line 26- 'feel' should be 'fell'.
Well done. This was a nice story to read with vivid imagery incorporated into the content.
Best of luck with your future writings.
This is an excellent 55 word story. It is clear to me that every word has been carefully chosen as necessary to make one of these stories work and for me this story works!
The ending was great. Of course not what happened to the turtle but the way you worded it was brilliant!
There were no visible errors in this item. It was perfect.
I enjoyed reading this Poem.
It was funny for me because I remember my own parents saying some of those things to me during my childhood and now that I am older I definitely know that I say those same things to my own children. The vicious circle of rules.
I like the way you have set this out. The pattern you have used helps to heigten the nagging feeling one would experience when these rules are being directed at them.
The rhyme gave this Poem a 'Dr Seuss' vibe which was very appealing and helped to emphasize the comical aspects of this item.
I see no visible errors and I have no suggestions for improvement. In my opinion, the Poem is fine the way it is.
I love this item purely because I can relate to the emotions being experienced by the Mother. I have these same thoughts myself when I watch my own children and I dread the day when they will be old enough to venture out into the world on their own.
I would keep them at home with me forever if I could.
I have two suggestions for improvement for your item.
1. You have over-used '.....'. You have used this quite frequently through out your item and it becomes distracting. Removing some of them and replacing them with comma's instead will help with your flow and also make the item look more appropriate.
2. Line 16- Remove 'the' on this line. It does not flow correctly and it is not needed.
The suggestions I make to you are suggestions only. Feel free to use them and apply them if you feel they are suitable and discard whatever you dont need.
This is an excellent write and a pleasure to read. I am looking forward to reading more of your work.
Well done.
Write on!
This is an interesting short story that touches on a very serious subject. Anorexia Nervosa.
This was a good 'skim of the surface' story. An introduction to the smaller aspects of the disease, that are ususally forgotten because they are lost behind the bigger issues.
I enjoyed the directness of this story. You tell the story and do not use an intricate plot to grab your readers attention. You allow the disease and its effects on your character to draw in the audience, because you make them curious.
I did notice some visible errors in this item which I will point out to you as follows:
1. Line 5- Remove 'then'. You have repeated the word.
2. Line 15- Replace 'I' with 'a'. This flows better...
3. Line 42- Remove 'what'. The word is not irrelevant and not needed.
This Poem is intriguing. I read it once and had no idea what message you were portraying. I read it again and the message began to shine through. This was very cryptic, which I personally enjoyed.
The downside of this is, there are people who would prefer to sit and read and be given a clear message instead of having to decipher it like a puzzle. This style of writing limits your audience, but is a very creative style to use if it is used correctly.
My only suggestion to you is to:
Capitalize the first letter of the first word at the beginning of each stanza. It is your starting point and because it is it needs to be capitalized.
Well done. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Write on.
This is an excellent portrayal of secrets. I love the tone of this Poem. The way that you have written this, with quiet, soft spoken words feels almost secretive in itself. I felt like I was reading someone's secret journal...
This entire item is excellent. You have used great desriptive words with gentle sentence structure to emphasize the secretive nature of this Poem.
There were no visible errors.
Well done.
Write on!
The message in this item is a good one, once it can be deciphered. You have written this in a very riddled way and trying to understand your meaning is like doing a cryptic crossword...but I got it in the end!
Your punctuation is also distracting from your message and makes this item very jumpy. If you are able to make your message clearer to the reader and smooth out your punctuation this will become a very good item. It has a lot of character and charm.
This is an excellent Poem. I love the honesty in which it has been written. It reads like a Poetic confession.
My only suggestion to you is to concentrate on the first verse. The rest of this Poem is done in stanza form except for the beginning. If you keep it to the traditional four lines like the rest of the pattern it will enhance the flow.
This Poem is very powerful and spoke to me in a booming voice. I found it more enjoyable because I am able to relate to it. I fight the same battle you do, everyday myself.
You have pieced this Poem together well. The pattern is strong and puts extra emphasis onto each word. You have also used the rhyme well. Usually with items as dark and personal as this I find that using rhyme detracts from the quality, but it was quite the opposite with this item.
My only suggestion to you is to focus on the last line. It is not as powerful as all of the others and it does not fit the rest of the perfect rhyme scheme.
This is an interesting Poem with philosophical undercurrents. You have written this well and it did reach out to me.
The last verse was particularly appealing.
Stuck on the ground
With clipped wings.
The above lines were the highlight for me.
My only suggestion to you is to add some more depth to the body. You have a great themed Poem here that had some very strong momentum, but then it ended abruptly and fell short. If you consider adding some extra body, this Poem will shine even more.
This is a well written item you have here. Your wordplay forced me to pay attention and focus on the message you were conveying. I was very impressed with the wordplay in this and that was definitely the highlight for me.
My only suggestion to you is to concentrate on your punctuation. There are too many pauses in this item which detract from the flow.
Commas and such would be just as appropriate to use as '.....' and would give your item a more mature appearance.
In general this was an enjoyable read and you made some very good points in it for the reader.
I am completely blown away by this. It is fantastic!!
I love everything about this.
The pace, flow, rhyme etc...is all completely perfect and requires no improvement.
The message in this was splendid. The end tied it off nicely and gave this item an extra quality of sophistication.
Honestly I cannot praise this enough. I adored it!
This is a winner!
Well done. You have done an excellent job. If I could rate this a ten, I would.
Write on!
This is a nice uplifting Poem you have written.
The flow is as nice and smooth as the message and this gives me a warm, comforting feeling.
It flows along nicely, but it is lacking something. I think this would be better enhanced if you were to add some extra depth to this. It has a great beginning and an excellent end, but it is lacking in the body. If you are able to add some more depth to the body, this Poem will be a winner!
Well done. There were no visible errors in this Poem.
Best of luck with your future writing.
Write on!
I enjoyed this Poem because I can relate to it. There is nothing more frustrating than having to listen to someone telling you what you are thinking and feeling. It is very presumtuous behaviour and usually ends with a horrible resolution.
You have expressed your hurt and annoyance about this matter in your Poem very well.
I did notice one visible error.
Line 3 of the 7th stanza: 'possible' should be 'possibly'.
This Poem is touching. The emotion in the words is vivid and easy for the reader to be swept up and carried through your Poem.
I like the conclusion this comes to. The resolution was lovely to read and left me feeling wih a sense of elation for the two characters in it.
I enjoyed what you are conveying in this Poem. Missing 'someone' or 'anything' for that matter is a powerful emotion that must be dealt with because we have no choice but to forge on.
You express this message well in your Poem and the ending in particular was nicely done. It tied this Poem off nicely and gave clarity to the reader on what it was you were actually yearning for.
The pattern was not as strong as it could be, but it still got the message across loud and clear.
Well done.
Write on!
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