This is a very good beginning and I will be looking forward to reading the finished product.
I did notice some errors and I will point them out to you so it is easier for you to edit them.
They are as follows:
Line 3- 'rooms' does need read right and I am getting the impression that you mean 'roam'. Also when you are making a reference to yourself you have to capitalize your 'i's' to 'I'.
Line 4- You have incorrectly spelt twilight.
My other suggestions to you are- I would consider changing the end of the second line. 'a movie with a bear' sounds to juvenile and does not really fit the theme you have created so far. Perhaps something like: A leaf in the twilight rustles and I stop and stare.
Of course this is just a suggestion off the top of my head. I am sure you can do better.
I would also suggest to you to punctuate this to help with the flow. Often when Poems are not punctuated the reader quickly loses the momentum you originally wanted them to have whilst reading.
My suggestions above are made in good spirit and are intended to be helpful. Only you know what is good for your work so feel free to use whatever you like and discard what you dont need.
The rhyme aspect of this was fairly good. There was two lins I noticed where it started to slide but you picked it back up again and reined it back in.
The lines where it became a little choppy were: 2nd stanza, lines 3 and 4. Tear and hear for display purposes look as though they ehyme but when you say the words out loud they actually dont.
and also,
Last stanza lines 3 and 4- Once again this was an indirect rhyme and rocked the flow a little.
Besides these lines I think your rhyme was great and it was consistent and did not feel forced. This is another great dark read from you.
This is an interest read on many levels.
Death is something that I am sue we all think about at some point because it is inevitable. I know myself that I often wonder about my own and I also wonder about what affect my presence not being there will have on those I used to spend time with.
I can relate to all of the things you have said in this item. I have asked myself the same questions many times but I have come to believe that it is better to think of the here and now. Death will come and hopefully it will be a long time away from now and when it does I will deal with it then. I think it is better to think of the here and now and what is going on with that than to dwell on things that we are not supposed to know about yet.
This has been written well and in such a way that it is able to reach your reader.
Well done.
I have had those nightmares plenty of times. Waking up out of my sleep with the adrenaline racing through my body, beads of sweat snaking their way down my forehead...
They can sometimes be very manipulative. They feel so real that it takes a while to realize that they are in fact not real at all.
I noticed a few spelling errors which I will point out to you so they are easier for you to edit. They are as follows:
Line 3- here should be hear.
Line 4- You should be your.
Line 6- There catching up should be their catching up.
Line 8- The 'o' is missing from slowing.
Line 9- here should be hear and there should be their.
This was a good read with a content that many could relate to. You have expressed yourself well.
Well done.
WRITE ON!
This is an excellent item for your first attempt. If this is your first attempt then I would say to you that you have a gift for writing.
What I enjoyed most about this Poem is the transition. You begin by showing your reader the finer points in life and then you delicately unveil your reader to the flip side of the same scenario. The transition was graceful and executed nicely.
I also enjoyed the realism of this item. Too often many things go undetected because we choose to ignore them because they are painful truths we do not want to face. I like the way you have pointed this out to your readers so they are tempted to reflect on their own situations.
This is a nice reflection of good times during childhood. It has a very calming vibe to it and I found this to be a relaxing read.
Your journey through the past to bring us this Poem was depicted nicely.
My only suggestion to you is to fix 'tho' on line 4.
Well done. It was an enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing.
I can see what you mean about the rhyme. It begins strong and then trails off as you go. This is not necessarily a bad thing it might just mean that you are better suited to free verse Poetry or perhaps you were just not feeling the rhyme on the particular day you wrote it. I would suggest not giving up on the rhyme to hastily.
Your content is good with a clear message. You have some very malignant sentences hidden in here which enhances the items quality.
I think you have done a great job with your content.
This Poem has some fantastic word play in it. That was definitely the highlight for me.
Your descriptions were vivid to the mind. The haunting undertones in this flowed nicely through it giving this Poem a nice little kick.
I could see no visible errors and I have no suggestions for improvement.
You write with the grace of a writer and definitely with the heartfelt emotions of a Poet. Your items reach out and manifest in the person and when I am reading I can FEEL what you are saying.
Manipulation of the readers emotions and senses is one of the most difficult tricks of all for a writer to execute successfully, but you have managed to not only do this, but do it fantastically!
You had my attention held hostage from the second line. This is a great read and I will be adding it to my favourites.
Well done.
Wow... This is very impressive.
Your word play is very sophisticated in this item and thoroughly enjoyable.
The haunting undertones flowing through this drew me in from the beginning and would not let go.
My two favourite lines in this item are:
Of a dream that died a second death, but not enough...i touched it.
and...
Of writing my dreams on starlight beams.
These particular lines stood out to me. They were brilliant!
I have a feeling that we are going to write some great things together when we have the opportunity and I am excited to do so.
The first verse is my favourite part. What an excellent beginning. It drew me in and would not let go and let me tell you I didn't just read this once.
This item brought my imagination to life. You not only made me envision this disease spreading through a body but you also made me feel it. Your descriptions are graphic and vivid and in all honesty I could not imagine anyone not falling in love with this.
This item will definitely be going into my favourites!
I also have to tell you that the last line:
Tasting, smiling as the bodies died.
That line is golden on its own.
*7th line- I am thinking that 'it' should be 'its'*
Well done. You have secured another fan of your writing!
I am a huge fan of rhyme. Your rhyme in these verses was good but I feel the rhyme boxed in the rest of the content.
Some of the lines were choppy which hurt the flow, so I would suggest to you to have another look at this when you are able to find the time and try and smooth it out.
The emotion in these was great. Reading them gave me a warm fuzzy feeling, because they were so sweet and romantic. On this aspect you did a superb job.
Thank you very much for sharing your work with us all her at WDC. Best of luck with your future writings.
The message you are relaying to your reader is one that is unfortunately true. Most of the heartbreaking problems we are forced to suffer stem from LIES.
As you point out, lies can be told in many different ways and for many different reasons.
This part of the Poem really spoke to me because I felt I could relate to it. I mean c'mon what person can honestly say, they have never been lied to?
I feel this Poem would be better expressed through rhyme. This is just my opinion though. I could be getting this impression though because you have chosen to write this particular item to a 'Twin Format' and they usually rhyme.
The last line was an excellent way to end this. I mean,The worst lie of all is the lie we tell to ourselves so I can think of no better ending for this. You did a great job.
Thank you for sharing your talent with us here at WDC.
Best of luck with your future writings.
A sweet Poem...
The message in this is beautiful and tugs on the heart stings. I mean afterall, the words you say are words we all hope to one day hear being said to us.
I did notice a number of spelling errors in this item so you may want to take another look at this when you can find the time.
You have wriiten an elegant and emotional Poem and you should be proud. It is an enjoyable read.
Well done.
WOW...This was a very emotional read. Your words leave no doubt in the mind of the reader that you sincerely love this woman. It is an emotional Poem on many levels. You have articulately expressed your internal struggle well. The turmoil of the situation is clear in the words and unveils itself to the reader layer by layer like when a flower blooms. This aspect of the Poem enhanced the Poetic nature for me even more.
The last verse is fantastic and wields a lot of emotion, but because you have incorporated it three times into one short Poem it has become too repetitive. I would suggest either taking one of them out or adding some extra length to this to lessen the repetitive nature for a smoother read. This is just my opinion, only you know what is best for your work.
This was an enjoyable read on many levels. Well done to you. Thank you for sharing.
This was an excellent read. This is something that I would definitely run out to buy if it were made into a novel.
Your description was well done in this item. I love the creepiness of this item. Your imagery was also fantastic in this. It was very easy for me to get a visual of where you were standing and the environment around you.
There were no visible errors in this item.
I do not have a favourite part because I enjoyed the entire item.
Well done. Thank you for sharing this awesome read.
I love anything to do with vampires so I was drawn to this Poem from the very beginning.
You have created a good Poem but this would have been greatly enhanced if some extra imagery had of been added. Your descriptive words are great in this item and gives this Poem an edgy quality.
I did see some errors in this which I will point out to you. They are as follows:
Line 1. The first letter needs to be capitalized.
Line7. Capitalize your 'i'
Line 9. Capitalize your 'i' again.
My favourite part was:
'A despairing howl, and tears will fall'
'Like a dagger dropped on your baby'.
This part stood out from the rest of the Poem. It was nicely written. Well done to you.
I could not resist reading this item, particulalrly considering I am Australian.
It is very strange to read about your own country written by someone who does not live here. It was great!
Australia is a great place to live but yes you are correct it does become boring after a while. I am blessed to live in the tropical part of Australia, right next to the beach.
Let me tell you...Australia becomes boring after a while but the beauty of the outback, when you witness it with your own eyes, is something that never leaves you.
Also wanted to point out to you have incorrectly spelt possum. The 'o' at the beginning needs to be removed.
Well done. this was an excellent read and I hope you are able to come to Australia and witness its beauty for yourself one day.
I love the reality of this item. I myself have been in this situation when I was younger and can remember the palpitating fear all to well when we think we are alone with someone that shouldn't be there, most of the time to discover that we are really only accompanied by our paranoia.
I liked how you wrote- I am getting paranoid.
This line is so true. When we are in uncomfortable situations our paranoia always seems to come to life and make us feel even worse than we do. I liked that you pointed that out to your reader.
I enjoyed reading your item. I liked the creepiness of it.
Well done.
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