\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
Printed from https://webx1.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joanne4eva/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/28
Review Requests: OFF
3,537 Public Reviews Given
4,150 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!
I'm good at...
I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!
Favorite Genres
Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.
Favorite Item Types
Statics - fiction.
Public Reviews
<    ...  24  25  26  27  28  29  30  31  32  33  ...   >
676
676
Review of Jo-Jo the Clown  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey! I saw this piece featured in the horror newsletter and wanted to come and check it out. It appealed to me because clowns are also something that kind of freak of me out, but also, my nickname when I was but a child was Jo Jo *Smile*

*Pencil*Storyline: This tells the really creepy tale of Jo-Jo the clown. A man who was always the class clown, the guy everyone laughed at. But after a stint in a mental institution after a break down it all becomes too much and he becomes the clown everyone thinks he is...

I think I got a little confused as to whether he was trying to protect Chelsea because she, like him, was the butt of the jokes. I even suspected he may try and turn her into his protege...

*People*Characters: Jo-Jo is the main character in this and he's a perfectly creepy clown. You've characterised him so well to make the reader shrink away from him. Clearly he's quite unhinged and is seeking vengeage, targeting the sort of children who used to tormeny him so when he was younger. It's like something snapped deep inside and his way of coping is by getting revenge. He is truly a dark character.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece changes from the mental institution to the kids party but wherever he is, you've set the scene well to allow the reader to be there in the room too.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There was definately a really creepy feel to this piece. We know that Jo-Jo is not quite right and something has snapped and he saturates the story with his dark thoughts of revenge.


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

677
677
Review of Writer's Block  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey Robert, I've had this piece stored in my favourites for a while now until I was able to find the time to review it! So here I am *Smile* I think the title and description hooked me, after all Writer's Block, who hasn't experienced it?

*Pencil*Storyline: I thought that this was a really creepy story! A writer searches for his muse, realising she comes out of the shadows when he does something different or new. He starts to crave the excitement in order to be able to keep writing and he soon finds out how far he's willing to go. He is lead into a darker and more dangerous place with each new risk he takes. Claudia is his final trophy and I have to say I thought he was going to sleep with her but I'm really glad he didn't! Though murdering her was just as bad, if not worse!

*People*Characters: Robert is the main character in this piece. He goes through a spiralling descent into madness as he searches for something more, not quite sure how to find it. Robert seems to completely lose himself in this piece so he's not the character his wife knows and loves, he changes and he becomes dark, broody and is always looking for the danger because he becomes aware thats when his muse will show up.

*Home*Setting: You use a lot of good descrition to set the scene and allow the reader to be a part of the story in that sense, invigortaing all of the senses.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*I said to no on while images of a white man raped to death

I think for me this image wasn't very comfortable to deal with and while I'm aware that the piece is beyond comfort zones I feel like this crossed a line. Though ignore me if you don't like my suggestion *Smile*

*BulletB*She turned the key and shouldered her way in to the dark apartment
She turned the key and shouldered her way into the dark apartment

*BulletR*"He needs to be changed. Give me a minute." she called back.
"He needs to be changed. Give me a minute," she called back.

Generally where there are speech tags a comma and then a lower case letter is use. In the case of action tags which are things like ran, moved and walked, you would use a full stop and then a capital letter. There are a few of these in your piece I won't point them all out but it's just to make you aware.

*BulletV*They were full of a darkness that wrapped itself in a cold like a dead thing bound by its last vestments, a shroud.

Something about this sentence didn't sit quite right with me. I think it needs a little bit of changing around but I'm not sure where...


*Bullet*"Ah. I see your just hiding from your missus too."
"Ah. I see you're just hiding from your missus too."

This should be 'you're' because it's an abbreviation of the words you are.


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

678
678
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Raid Review!I'm here to review you as a Teen Author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and offer you a review from the Power Reviews because you are a young author! I chose this piece because it spoke of dark things and that is a place I frequent most often...

*Pencil*Storyline: This story tells of the condemnation of an innocent man. The man was accused of murder and instead of providing and alibi that would put his lover at risk, he chose instead to die and asave her A very noble act. We learn the story from his love who visits his grave and grudgingly recalls the memories.

*People*Characters: Nathaniel seems to be a very noble man and while he has his flaws (adultery one of them) he is not a murderer. This continues to be proved as he would rather risk his life than have his lover hurt.

His lover, a woman, lonely and bereft after her lover was taken away. She wanders late nights, visits his grave to repent and remember him. I felt a lot of empathy for the woman; it must have been hard to keep her lips sealed when she knew he would die, but she did because he asked her too, to spare her life.


*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There is a strong atmosphere of sadness in this piece. You slowly unravel the story of the grave marked 'murderer' and let it feed into the reader, allowing us to feel the grief of the woman.


*Checkg*What I liked:

'Fear ran her cold fingers up and down my spine, and the wind of Death's passing bristled the tiny hairs along the nape of my neck.'

I think this line really set the scene at the beginning of the piece.

'a perfect, glittering sphere of grief immortalized in ice.'

I love this imagery *Smile*

*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*condemning him to hanging and not to flames.{i/}

It looks like you mistyped a little here and the italics have run onto the next bit.

*BulletB*and then I sank down and wept until my tears ran dry.{i/}

Again another litle typo. It should be { / i } with no spaces.


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

679
679
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Raid Review!I'm here to review you as a Teen Author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and offer you a review as a teen author! I think I chose this piece because I am also a HUGE Harry Potter fan! Also, I haven't read any fanfics on HP yet so I was interested to see what you'd written *Smile*

*Pencil*Storyline: This was an interesting piece and I really enjoyed reading it. We meet Blaise who is in love with Hermoine, who is completely oblivious to the fact, or so it seems.

I really like the way you've interspersed this story with lyrics from the song 'What Hurts the Most' I think it works really well and helps to set the tone. I just wish I could switch the Cascada version out of my head now *Frown*

*People*Characters: Hermoine and Blaise were the main characters in this. I have to tell you that I think you captured Hermoine's voice really well in this. She sounds in this piece, just as she would in the books of films so that's great.

And Blaise... would it be really bad to say I don't remember his character?! I certainly remember McClaggen but not Blaise... could you remind me who he is?

*Home*Setting: The scene is already set. Now that could be because I love Harry Potter too but I think you set it well, mentioning parts of the castle that are easy to remember *Smile*

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: Like I mentioned before I think you set the scene well. The use of lyrics were a great idea and really helped the melancholy mood of the piece soak through. But also, the way you have written about his emotions, it comes across powerfully and the sadness is very apparent. He's heartbroken and I think he needs a cuddle *hugs* hehe



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*Figures. He thought.
Figures, he thought.

I would tend to put direct thoughts into italics just to make it clearer that it is a thought and separate it from the main text.

*BulletB*No, he told himself firmly. Not here. Not with her here, watching me.
No, he told himself firmly. Not here. Not with her here, watching me.

*BulletR*“Good morning, Blaise.” She said quietly.
“Good morning, Blaise,” she said quietly.

If you use a speech tag, a word like said, asked or interrupted, use a comma before ending the quotation and begin the tag with a lowercase letter.

*BulletV*saw the Hermione
saw Hermione

I'm not sure why the word 'the' was in here, it doesn't seem to fit too well.



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

680
680
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Raid Review!I'm here to review you as a Teen Author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and offer you a review as a teen author.


*Checkg*What I liked:

I chose this piece because the idea interested me. I think you have a well defined page here; you've set the rules of the in&out clearly for everyone to see. You've used some ML but not too much so as to overcrowd. I like the idea of this page; offering any sort of insight or idea you have for other people to use. It's a very community-related piece and well thought out. Also, offering GPs for people's idea is a nice way to get them motivated. Make sure you highlight this in your portfolio so it gets more views!


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:


*BulletG* The only suggestion I might have is to think about the title a bit moer. While it's self-explanatory it's probably not going to be easy to remember.



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

681
681
Review of Dance.  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Raid Review!I'm here to review you as a Teen Author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and offer you a review as a teen writer! I think I chose this piece because of the historical context it had contrasted with the modern day scene. It intrigued me!

*Pencil*Storyline: This is an interesting piece and I really enjoyed reading it. Each section of the story tells the tale of a man from a different time. We first see a man in Victorian times, courting his lady, matching the appropriate steps. In the second scenario we see a man in a nightclub, out of his league and wishing for simpler times. It's a nice contrast.

The fact that we see both scenes from the man's personal point of view really works too; it brings in the detail, allows us to understand how he feels and also helps with the flow of the piece.

*People*Characters: There are two men in this piece, each wanting what the other has, without knowing it of course! The man from the Victorian era is confined by social etiquette, unable to speak to the woman he seems to desire, unable to move freely and dance as he would wish. It makes him miserable.

In the second scenario we meet a man who longs for something a bit more traditional. He seems out of place in the nightclub, copying and following others like he feels he should. It makes him miserable.

*Home*Setting: The setting for both scenarios is a dance. You set the scene well in both using a lot of varies description to allow the reader to see what is going on.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*I think the only suggestion I might have is that rather than using letters and numbers, I think I would have had one in normal text and one in italics. It might make it flow a little better (when I first looked at it, it confused me a little!)


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

682
682
Review of His Hunger  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Raid Review!I'm here to review you as a Teen Author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey as a teen author I wanted to come and offer you a review in aid of the Power Reviews Raid! I think I chose this piece because the title and description made it sound pretty dark, and that is where I thrive!

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a fun little piece with a very definitive twist at the end; I didn't see that coming!

*People*Characters: We hear this story from the point of view of an onlooker who sees the 'murder' taking place. Through the narrator we get a wonderful plethora of dark images that worked well to set the scene. We also have the 'murderer' undaunted by his arduous task, trudging ever onwards.

*Home*Setting: You set the scene really well in this one, not so much the actual physical scene but the fear and tension. This piece explores a dark side of nature and you do it well, inviting the reader to see the dark nature of the person in question. We see what we want to see and you use that to your advantage.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*total aw seemed
total awe seemed

I think the only other suggestion I would make is around the form of this piece. You have it listed as a short story but because of the way it is styled on the page, and the shortness of the piece, it didn't capture me as a story. I'm not sure what I would classify it as. Leaving it as a short story would be fine just be mindful of the style perhaps. I also like the way you have highlighted a few of the words; was this a prompt inspired piece?

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

683
683
Review of Smokescreen  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Review Raid! I'm here to offer you a review because you're a teen author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and offer you a review as part of the Power Reviewers Teen Raid!

*Pencil*Storyline: This was a really great piece! It tells the story of Ray, a rookie detective, assigned to a case where bodies keep turning up in the woods.

*People*Characters: Ray is the main character in this. He's hard and strong and tough. That was what immediately hit me. The way he thinks and the way he acts. Calm and collected, but inside perhaps not. He uses cigarettes as a way to cope, sucking down the acrid smoke into his lungs.

*Home*Setting: You set the scene really well in this piece. It feels real and use your use of description means the reader is able to get a good grasp of what is going on, get a feel for the scene and begin to know the character. Well done!

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There is an air f tension and sickness in this piece; physical sickness as well as the kind that leaves you fed up with life.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*After working for 20 years with Ray’s father
After working for twenty years with Ray’s father

Generally in creative writing, numbers up to 100 are written out in full.



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

684
684
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Raid Review! I'm here to offer you a review as a teen author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and offer you a review as part of the Power Reviewers Teen Raid. I chose this piece because I do believe I've read this book before and it sparked my interest.


*Checkg*What I liked:

I have to say I'm really glad you enjoyed this book. Judging from your review, you seemed to get a lot out of it and found it very informative. I know that when I read it, I did too.

You've given it a really high rating which is great and it will certainly encourage anyone who reads it to think about reading it. I think the way in which you've managed to express yourself in this review is brilliant. You've organised your thoughts well, offered your own insiht and opinions on the novel and recommended it for various reasons. The way you write shows you have a high level of maturity and as well as telling the reader about the book you also ask them to question a materialistic society; you ask them to think. I really like that *Smile*


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!





Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

685
685
Review of Black Rhyme  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Raid Review! I'm here to offer you a review as a teen author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey Erin-Beth, I wanted to stop by and review something in your port in honour of this months Power Reviews Raid which is focusing on teen authors. I don't often read poetry but this piece really seemed to jump out at me. I think the title was what hit me, Black Rhyme, it sounds dark and emotional already.

*Checkg*What I liked:


This is certainly a really emotional piece. It feels raw and you have written it exactly as you feel. It tells of a girl who is breaking up with a man because he does not want the same things and doesn't seem to love her enough. I have to say, I'm glad she's standing up or herself and for what she wants. A lot of people would settle for a relationship because they don't want to be alone, but not this girl. I'm proud of her!

The poem flows nicely and the rhymes work well. There are a couple that feel a little bit stiff, 'Or is callousness you?' This line doesn't really sit comfortably with me.

'And you are black in my eyes
But alive in my heart.'

I think this line is great, it really sums things up and shows her emotions for the man.

*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:


*BulletG* I think the only suggestion I would like to make would be adding extra punctuation. You seem to have question marks where you are asking something, however, you should try to be consistent in your writing, if one line has a question mark then the others could need commas or full stops. Just a suggestion *Smile*




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

686
686
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Raid Review! I'm here to offer you a review as a teen author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and review something from your port in honour of the Teen Power Raid this month *Smile* I chose this piece because it makes sense to star at the beginning!

*Pencil*Storyline: This prologue tells the reader what to expect in Legends, the chapters which follow the prologue. You've done well to set the scene here and make the reader aware of what to expect, including the genre.

It hints at certain things being lost and refound, coming back as a living legend. I like it *Smile* You've written this in a passive voice (is someone actually speaking this?) but it works well to get the initial idea across. I do have to tell you that it reminded me vaguely of the opening to 'The Fellowship of the Ring' because of the disembodied voice and some of the things that were said. I'm in no way say you plagarised just that it reminded me of it (I like Lord of the Rings so I wouldn't consider that a bad thing!)


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG* “Legends and Religions;
“Legends and religions;

the word 'religions' doesn't need to be capitalised because it's not a proper noun.




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

687
687
Review of Serene  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Raid Review! I'm here to offer you a review as a teen author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and review something in your port. The title and description of this piece hooked me in and left me wanting to find out about her.

*Pencil*Storyline: Good start so far. Serene moves to another new town to live with another family. She is approached by two twins and doesn't like the thought of having to speak to them. I assume that this piece isn't quite finished yet because it seems to stop abruptly. I was looking forward to finding out what happens so I do hope you will continue this piece.

*People*Characters: Serene is the main character so far. She comes across as being quite a reserved and quiet young girl. She has moved a lot, felt rejected and found solace in books. Meeting the twins looks like it's going to change things a bit for her.




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*much to be pleasure
much to my pleasure

*BulletB*at the tender age of 7
at the tender age of seven

Numbers up to 100 should be written out in full in creative writing.

*BulletR*But what he doesn’t understand is that the less people there are, the greater chance of me standing out.
But what he didn’t understand is that the less people there are, the greater chance of me standing out.

This piece is written in past tense and the word 'doesn't' bring it into the present, so I would switch it around to 'didn't'

*BulletV*“She’s like one of the main doctor’s in this town
“She’s like one of the main doctors in this town

The apostrophe isn't needed here because it doesn't indicate possession, just plural.

*Bullet*She lives all alone, so its good
She lives all alone, so it's good

The word 'it's' needs an apostrophe because it's an abbreviation of two words.




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

688
688
Review of Take it all  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Raid Review! I'm here to review you because you're a teen author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with the Power Reviewers to give you a review *Smile* I think I chose this piece because I prefer fiction to poetry and I wanted to start at the beginning of it!

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a really tragic story line. Zoey finds out that she's pregnant, she's devastated and when she confides in her mum and her boyfriend, the two people who should be the most supportive, they both turns their backs on her, it's heartbreaking.

The storyline is good but feels a little rough around the edges. Small things like line breaks where there should be none confuse the flow of the story and make it hard to read, as well as a few little typos here and there.

*People*Characters: Zoey is the main character in this piece and she finds herself in a predicament; she's pregnant. Clearly it hits her hard because she's so young but she battles on and makes her decision to keep the baby. And despite the fact that the two people who should care the most turn their backs on her, she trudges on and seeks support elsewhere. I have to say I felt glad that she had her two Aunt's to turn to *Smile*

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This piece is strug through with a lot of sadness and fear. Zoey is scared about how to tell her mother and her boyfriend and when she does, the sadness ensues. You describe it well to allow the reader to understand the emotions.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*Is the test right? I kept wondering. I was only 15.
Is the test right? I kept wondering. I was only fifteen.

Here I've put here direct thoughts into italics to make it a little clearer. Also, all numbers up to 100 in creative writing should be spelled out *Smile*

*BulletB*"What am I going to do?" I whispered, leaning my back against the door.
"What am I going to do?" I whispered, leaning against the door.

I think the words 'my back' were surplus. Alternatively you could write something like 'leaning back against the door'

*BulletR*There was a bad

feeling in my stomache. It was like that awful feeling that's present when you tell your first lie, or when you accidentally break your new friends

favorite doll in 2nd grade.


There was a bad feeling in my stomach. It was like that awful feeling that presents when you tell your first lie, or when you accidentally break your new friends favorite doll in second grade.

Here there were a couple of unexpected line breaks so I just tidied it up and cleared up the small typos.



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

689
689
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Raid Review! I'm here to review you because you're a teen author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Okay I couldn't resist reading this next part so here I am!

*Pencil*Storyline: Another good part of the story! We see everything frozen in this time adnd our protagonist has a moment of clarity and before the battle ensues. I was a little confused as to why everything as frozen. Who did it? Do we find that out later? Also, who is the woman he sees in the reflection of the shield?

*People*Characters: We are still with our main protagonist in this piece and I feel like it gives us a sense of his strength and courage. Everything is frozen and he is able to drink in the world around him, survey the battle scene, understand seek and moment of clarity. He does not fear battle or death and I think that comes across really clearly.

*Home*Setting: WE are still in the battle where we began in the first part, but this piece is frozen in time and it allows the protagonist as well as the reader seek a moment of calm and consider what is going on.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

690
690
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Raid Review! I'm here to review you because you're a teen author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to stop by and offer you a review as part of the Power Reviewers Teen Raid this month! I think I chose this piece because I tend to read more fiction (I'm not great at poetry reviews) and this piece caught my attention. The title was good and made me want to find out more.

*Pencil*Storyline: I have to tell you, I don't often read fantasy (horror is usually my world) but I really enjoyed this! You've created such a brilliant scene that kept me hooked throughout. This tells of a man(I think somewhere having his name dropped would be a good idea) who in in the midst of a battle and searching for the King ready to do battle.


*People*Characters: The main protagonist tells the story and we hear everything from his point of view. Like I mentioned, it might be a good idea to have his name somewhere so the reader can identify with him, because at the minute he's just a man. We start to get a good sense of who he is, including his appearance and his strong willed personality. He works hard and with a grim determination, yet the battle does not overwhelm him and he is able to laugh and joke about it while the carnage goes on around him. I like him as a character.

*Home*Setting: The setting for this piece is a battle ground and let me tell you, this is a brilliant action scene. It's fast paced and always moving. You describe it wonderfully to allow the reader to be in the battle with this man! Perhaps something about who is fighting who may be a good idea too just to set the context a little more.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*drunken with adrenaline
drunk with adrenaline



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

691
691
Review of The Last Hope  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Teen Power Review Raid! I'm here to review you as a teen author! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I think I chose this piece because I tend to prefer fiction and it seemed to jump out at me as I opened your short story folder. I tend to like reader darker pieces and the description of this piece screams just that!

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a good piece. We meet Cassie who is struggling against the harsh weather on her way to be saved at the cottage across the snow-covered field. She is making progress, slowly but surely, when the memories begin to resurface.

I think the memories of her past work well here and serve to explain to the reader what happened to the world. I would say however that I found them getting a little confusing. Italics is often saved for direct thoughts or flashbacks and here you've used them for flashbacks, only, the second time you start using italics didn't feel like a memory or a flashback to the past. So it felt a little out of place to me.

*People*Characters: Cassie is the main character in this piece. She is a strong woman, struggling against the harsh snow and bitter cold, against the memories the haunt her. As the story progresses we realise she has been tortured, has been in pain, has lost of all those dear to her. And yet, she still carries on.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is a snow covered field. You build up the description really well to allow the reader to be in that field with Cassie, to experience the harsh cold and biting wind.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

692
692
Review of Inside or Outside  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey Max, I spotted this piece on the sponsored item links and wanted to come and check it out; it intrigued me.

*Checkg*What I liked:

I think you've argued a very good point here. You have written the essay well, asking the reader to consider what has been used in the past (the onmiescent narrator) and what is happening in the present. Contrasting them works well to help the reader consider what you are saying.

I think the fact that you have provided examples and showed the reader how this works really is helpful. It made me consider the differences between both sentences and I know that this is something I will take forward with me when I next start writing something!


Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

693
693
Review of When Fate Laughs  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey, you posted this in the Members Items In & Out and I wanted to come and review it for you. The title is intriguing, it personifies fates and I really like that.

*Pencil*Storyline: We begin to get to grips with the story here but I can't help but feel it's not finished. We meet Shane and Trent, brothers separated by five years. Tamara is Trent's twin. We also meet Daniella, Shane's girlfriend. Trent calls up Shane and asks him to go to a party and we realise that therre may be something amiss, though we don't find out what. Are you planning to continue this?

*People*Characters: Shane is the main character in this. He is five years younger than his brother but seems to have a sensible head on him. He also seems to push his relationships away; he seems happy with Daniella but not quite ready to commit and I found myself asking why.

Trent seems to be quite the opposite of Shane. He seems to be quite uncontrolled and a bit chaotic. Shane seems to look after him! We don't meet Tamara but start to get to grips with the relationship between the three. I'll be looking forward to seeing more!


*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: I don't really feel like I've managed to grasp the atmospere of the piece yet; it's probably because it's not finished that I'm not able ot tell and I don't want to make assumptions.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*fought like cats and dogs,
fought like cat and dog,

I know what you're saying here but I think it should be singular rather than plural.

*BulletB*but what he did know was that Trent would definitely be sleeping in the guest room tonight. He

I'm not sure if this was an unfinished sentence or a typo!

*BulletR*Trent's passive aggressive tone indicated Shand had was foolish
Trent's passive aggressive tone indicated Shane was foolish



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

694
694
Review of Sword poem  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey Zelda, I saw that you posted this on your updates page and wanted to come and check it out!


*Checkg*What I liked:

I don't often read poetry but I decided I had to read this because it was shaped like a sword! Amazing *Smile* I've heard of shaped poetry before but I think I forget about it because I don't tend to write or write much. Can I ask, what inspired it?

I think the sword shape does really well to enhance the theme of the poem; going to war and everything that goes with it from training to brutality to weapons and death. I think you've captured it really well here *Smile*


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

695
695
Review of In the Mirror  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey, I've had this stored in my favourites for a while because I wanted to come and read it!

*Pencil*Storyline: 'In the Mirror' tells the story of Mrs. Todd and her husband (whom we never meet). She asks for a police prescence to witness the phenomenon in the mirror. The officer think she's a 'nut job' but soon experience it first hand and tried to kill Mrs. Todd. He realises he has been possessed for a short moment. He promises to try and help her but the next time the call comes Mrs. Todd is gone and Ida is back; she's killed her husband but she saved the officer from the fire in the house.

Some questions I had:

Where did the fire come from?
Why did she save him?
How come the mirror was outside and unharmed after the fire?

This piece switches perspectives a few times throughout which I found quite confusing because it's written in the first person and we're not made aware that any change will be made. If you wish to use both of their perspectives I would suggest that you want the reader to be able to see everything that happens; I would suggest you switch from first to third person i.e. she did, he said.

*People*Characters: Because the story moved about a lot (Mrs. Todd and the officer were the main characters) I found it got a little confusing because they weren't always themselves. I like the story and think it works well but need a bit more notice when someone has possessed them. Perhaps a physical or mental change. For example:

Mesmerized, I watch as the man caresses the woman’s face gently. His face changes, anger fills his eyes. My blood is boiling, I’m feeling… He stands up, raises his hand and slaps her to the floor. The lady, same size as Mrs. Todd, five foot three, 100 pounds, dark hair, they could be sisters. Anger, where did that come from? He drags her up by her hair, shakes her and slaps her again. Crinolines, I hear the taffeta and crinolines fly behind me. I stand, turning and knock Mrs. Todd down.'

It is hard to tell when he is changing and becoming possessed and he still switches from seeing the man in the mirror to being that man. Perhaps a sentence like:

'He felt something squirming inside of him; an unabated anger for the woman that he'd never met before. The red mist shielded his vision as he raised his hand to slap her again.'


*BurstR*Dialogue: I found the dialogue a little confusing in places; especially at the beginning, there aren't a lot of speech tags so we don't know who is talking any when. I would suggest adding more speech tags i.e. she said, he said.

Also, I would suggest that only the direct thoughts should be in italics and that they should be in present tense. You switch perspectives a few times and it gets a little confusing. For example, when there is action it should not be in italics because it's a part of the story line rather than his thoughts.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*“When I looked into the mirror, I didn’t expect, well I guess I should start at the beginning, though.”
“When I looked into the mirror, I didn’t expect... well, I guess I should start at the beginning.”

*BulletB*Personally, he looked at me like I was nuts.
Personally, I think he looked at me like I was nuts.

This is her opinion so I would add in a couple of extra words here just to make it clear.

*BulletR*Mrs. Todd, skittish little lady, long hair, dark brown eyes darting constantly about, stylishly dressed, I wonder if she ever stops fidgeting?

This is the first thought within the story. I had no idea who was thinking it, what relation he was to Mrs. Todd. I think I would have written something like:

I sat and studied her closely. Mrs. Todd is a skittish lady with long hair. Her eyes are constantly moving. I wonder if she ever stop fidgeting?


*BulletV*“It took almost a year in total to get the house ready to live in, it and a whole lot of sweat equity. It was a work of love.”

“This is the dining room, the kitchen is just beyond....

Are both of these paragraphs Mrs. Todd speaking? If so, it's not made clear. Perhaps some speech tags would help that out.

*Bullet*His eyes brighten; I guess he thinks we’re finally getting to the good part. I know, however, we’re getting to the part I can’t explain. I start fidgeting with my necklace, rubbing the cross back and forth across the chain, goose bumps
His eyes brighten; I guess he thinks we’re finally getting to the good part. I know, however, we’re getting to the part I can’t explain. I start fidgeting with my necklace, rubbing the cross back and forth across the chain. Goose bumps

*BulletG*What’s happening to me now? Whoa now, am I starting to believe her? She hasn’t told me anything to believe. Sam, snap back to reality. You can’t let her see you get shaky.
What’s happening to me now? Whoa now, am I starting to believe her? She hasn’t told me anything to believe. Sam, snap back to reality, he remonstrated himself. You can’t let her see you get shaky.

*BulletB*I take a deep breath, blow it out, and open the door to the bedroom, a chill enveloped me.
I took a deep breath and blew it out, and then opened the door to the bedroom. A chill enveloped me.

This sentence had elements of both past and present tense. I tend to find it more consistent and more easily flowing if you choose one and stick to it.

*BulletR*Continuing the tour, “We found
We continued the tour. “We found

*BulletV*“Watch, it’s starting,” she whispers in my ear.

This piece switches from her perspective to his; it gets a little confusing.

*Bullet*Where’s your husband? What happened, Ma’am?”
"Where’s your husband? What happened, Ma’am?”



*NoteR*A few parting comments...

I hope that my comments have been helpful! I did enjoy reading this piece and feel like it has a lot of potential. Let me know once you've edited and I'd be happy to come back and re-rate *Smile*

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

696
696
Review of Ghost Train  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I was searching under the horror genre and this caught my eye!

*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a really good piece! I don't often read poetry but I'm glad I opened this piece. You tell of the terrifying nature of the ghost train at night and it is certainly a terrifying train indeed! You use brilliant description throughout in order to engage the reader and set the scene, including powerful imagery words such as 'tear' and 'roar' it really set the scene.

The poem flows well and the stanza fit together nicely. Well done!


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

697
697
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I wanted to come and return the review you did for me *Smile*

*Checkg*What I liked:

When I first opened this piece I thought it was fictional and had to double check to find out that in fact, it was one of your real life experiences. As I was reading it I found myself getting engrossed in the story and I couldn't help but feel sympathy for Donna. She's obviously had a difficult life and it hurts to think nobody was there or able to help her *Frown* But I commend you for taking the time out of your day for going to find out whether she was okay and at least talk to her, she may not have shown it but I bet that act of friendship really left a mark on her.

This is a really well written piece, it documents your thoughts and feeling the entire way through. You don't blanch on everything and tell it like it is which is really well done *Smile*


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG* (The term had not been invented yet, but they knew about abuse and it's effects and should have known of it's symptoms. In fact, a few short years later, my sister maintains that school administrators heavily lobbied pregnant females to quit school.

(The term had not been invented yet, but they knew about abuse and it's effects and should have known of it's symptoms.) In fact, a few short years later, my sister maintains that school administrators heavily lobbied pregnant females to quit school.


Here you were just missing the ending bracket.



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

698
698
Review of Home Sweet Home  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I was searching the horror genre for something to read when this came up. I think it intrigued me because I wanted to find out what he was infected with...

*Pencil*Storyline: This tells the story of a man, Charlie, returning home from war. Only he is infected and slowly he is changing, without realising, into a flesh eating fiend. He makes it home and attempts to eat his father before being blown into bits.

*People*Characters: Charlie is the main character in this piece. We follow him as he makes his way steadily home. We feel his confusion setting in, the numbness, the not knowing. He doesn't realise how far gone he is until he reaches his home and his only thought it to eat his father. I felt really sorry for him; him, nor any of his comrades, deserved such a terrible fate.

*Home*Setting: You set the scene well within this, desribing the context and background for the reader to grasp and see where Charlie is.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: For me this piece was full of confusion; Charlie's confusion. He knows something is wrong, that he is changing, but he thinks he can fight it and can return home and have his father fix his problems. As a reader, I knew this was not the case.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

699
699
Review of Bar Flies  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I searched under the horror genre for something to read and this came up. It really intrigued me, possibly because it focused on a sense other than sight which I think is quite different.

*Pencil*Storyline: What an interesting piece! I found it quite short and think I would have liked a little more. I wanted to know what creature this woman was and why she devoured the men. Did she work in the bar? And what was the smell? That's something I would have liked to get to the bottom of.

*People*Characters: The main character tells the story in this piece. She intrigued me but I would have liked to know more about her, i.e. what she was, why she was there, why she chose certain men etc.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

700
700
Review of The Interview  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey this piece caught my eye when I searched under the horror genre and so here I am to read it! The title intrigued me; I wanted to find out what went wrong.

*Pencil*Storyline: Oooh this is a really creepy piece! A woman goes for an interview, she's visibly nervous and when it doesn't go to plan she takes things into her own hands!

*People*Characters: The main character in this story is the woman who is going for the interview. We don't find out her name and while it seems like a small thing, perhaps you could have them calling out her name to go into the office; I think it just adds to her personality. She is certainly a bit of a lose canon; I totally didn't expect that to happen so well done on managing to catch quite a twist there!

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is an interview. You set the scene well allowing the reader to understand how nervous the woman is; it feels natural, just like an interview usually is.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

1,028 Reviews *Magnify*
Page of 42 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://webx1.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joanne4eva/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/28