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3,537 Public Reviews Given
4,150 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!
I'm good at...
I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!
Favorite Genres
Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.
Favorite Item Types
Statics - fiction.
Public Reviews
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651
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I came to review this short piece for you because you were asking for feedback.


*Checkg*What I liked:

So far, in these few sentences, you have produced a sense of tension and suspense. We know something has happened but we don't know what. And hopefully, that is what you will continue with. I'd be intrigued to see what comes next!


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*And they had nothing to say to each other.
They had nothing to say to each other.

Generally sentences shouldn't be started with 'and'

*BulletB*and they had to go they're separate ways.
and they had to go their separate ways.






Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

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652
652
Review of Time Travel.  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I saw this piece highlighted because you're a newbie so I wanted to come and offer you a review. I'm not sure why but when I read the description I assumed it was a fictional piece so I was surprised to find a poem. You'll have to bear with me because I'm not great with poetry!

*Checkg*What I liked:

I really enjoyed reading this. It strikes me as a pessimistic view of the world we live in today. It considers all of the 'bad' things in society including its inhabitants and the state they often live in. We see mention of drugs, poverty, pollution, the 'ism's which are so rife in society. And I have to say, I do agree with you. It often makes me sad to think about the world in this way, because while it has it's bad points, it certainly has good points too. I love the rolling countryside we have here in the Uk, with a rich heritage. That is something good that I love.

I think that although this piece is quite pessimistic, you end it well by saying (as a future person who has travelled back in time) that thiings get better, we return to some sort of normalcy and greenery. I suppose my only question is when and can it happen sooner rather than later!

Your poem asks the reader to think about it's meaning, abotu environmental issues as well as consider what other people are like within society. It has a deep well and you use it, eliciting emotions from your reader.


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!







Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

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653
653
Review of What's In a Word?  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Here I am with your final Tea Garden Review *Smile*

*Checkg*What I liked:

I really liked this. I think that although it's a short piece it's written so eloquently and gets your point across really well, that I don't think it needs to be lengthened. Words are so important and can be made to either make someone feel bigger than the world or cut the ground out from under their feet. You're saying here that words should be used for positivity, for gain and to make others feel better about themselves and more confident.

I think the only thing I was wondering is what this piece is for: do you send it out to your members? Is it going to be part of a group challenge?

*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

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654
654
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey, I wanted to stop by and learn a little more about DWG at the same time as offering you a Tea Garden Review! So here I am *Smile*

*Checkg*What I liked:

I know that this page is still under construction but you've offered so far, a good introduction to the group, what you do and what people can get involved in. It's all positive and friendly.

You've got the group links at the top which is a great thing to do, it means having everything in one place which makes it easier for the group *Smile*

Please let me know when you manage to finish this, I'd like to come back and learn more!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

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655
655
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Angus, I'm here to offer you a review in return for the kind words you mailed to me in a review this morning *Smile* I think I chose this piece because of the title, it was pretty self-explanatory and made me smile!

*Pencil*Storyline: This tells the story of Rick and Kevin who get lost while hunting in the woods. They run into an older man named Otis, a true hillybilly type who has lived in the woosd with his brother his whole life. The men end up having to stay the night in their shack because they're lost. Only, when Kevin goes missing the next morning does anything seem truly untoward... and then Rick sees Jake carrying his brother's head!

A very creepy tale. I didn't want to be a judgemental person and tried to assume nothing bad would happen and that the two hillybilly folk were harmless, but of course, I knew they weren't!

*People*Characters: Rick immediately comes across as the stubborn older brother. He won't admit that he's lost, perhaps too much of a manly man to admit it. Kevin is a little bit more sensible and though he wants to trust and believe Rick he trusts his instincts instead and asks for help when it is presented.

Otis and Jake seem like the typical hillbilly brothers. They're living together in an old wooden shack, only venturing into town when necessary. They look identical wearing the same clothing. Otis is the charmer, Jake the one to watch out for it seems!

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece was the dense forest where the two get lost. I think that you set the scene well allowing the reader to understand their emotions and the place they are.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*"Sorry about that," Rick said. We just weren't expecting
"Sorry about that," Rick said. "We just weren't expecting



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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656
656
Review of Obsession  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I saw this in the left hand side bar and it intrigued me. I think everyone is touched by mental health issues personally or know someone who has and I wanted to read your account.

*Checkg*What I liked:

Okay, I'm guessing you haven't quite finished this yet judging by the way it ends here. I think you've managed to provide a really raw and emotional piece here. I feel what you're feeling for your friend which is concern, sympathy and confusion. You're not sure about the best way to help her or what to say to her.

It sounds like Fiona is certainly going through a really tough time (and in a way she reminds me of me). One way of coping with things is burying your head deeper in the sand and making yourself so busy that you have time for nothing; no time to think. Perhaps that's the way she wanted it. But it seems that she has finally burnt out and broke down. It sounds like she really needs her friend with her right now.


Thank you for sharing this. As someone who has a partner with mental health problems, I know how hard it can be sometimes. You can only do so much, just remember that, you have to take care of you too. But as her friend try to support her as best you can through such a tough time.

*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*I would suggest that when writing speech by two different people, that it's put onto separate paragraphs to make it a little clearer.




Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

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657
657
Review of Mr. Bones  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey, I was searching the horror genre looking for something to read and I came across this. I've always loved school tales so I couldn't resist!

*Pencil*Storyline: :O What a terribly creepy story! A teacher, Mr. Bones, is not all that he seems at all. Miss Thorpe realises something is terribly wrong and goes to he rescue of the children only to find it was all a ruse and she is murdered right in front of the children who are learning about death! Very creepy indeed!

*People*Characters: Miss Thorpe and Mr Bones are the main characters in this piece. Mr. Bones comes across as a strange and twisted teacher. He shows them things that nobody would want to show a child; he teaches them about death, something a child should never have to face. Miss Thorpe is very brave in the face of danger. She runs after the children intent on saving them from the infliction he is causing, only to meet her doom.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is in the school and then the cemetary. You describe them well allowing the reader to see the places the characters are.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This is definately creepy with a lot of tension. I didn't see the ending coming, didn't expect him to be teaching them about death, and especially didn't expect her death. You use description really well.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!





Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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658
658
Review of Hunted  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I was perusing the horror genre looking for something to read when I spotted this. I think the title already tells a lot but perhaps adding to the description would be beneficial as then a potential reader could make a better informed choice as they would have more idea of what it's about. I always think of it as a mini blurb *Smile*

*Pencil*Storyline: This was a really interesting piece. It's about a man who is hunted by some unknown creature but he realises he is able to retaliate by doing exactly what the monster is; hunting it. While this is a good piece I didn't really feel like it was very climatic. I was expecting details of the final assault or of the monster. I found myself wanting to know what or who the monster was.

*People*Characters: The main character is the one narrating they story and we don't know anything about them. I've made the assumption it's a man, we don't know name, gender, age, appearance or personality. I think that would help to characterise the person and make the reader really stick on their side as they fight the monster.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This piece was creepy and you certainly did well to set the tone but I feel like some more description of the monster and what it was would have added to that.




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*breaths hot rancid breath
breathes hot rancid breath


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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659
659
Review of Wraith  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I also spotted this piece in your port when I came to check it out and I wanted to read it!

*Pencil*Storyline: In this short piece of flash fiction you've done well to introduce the beginnings of storyline as well as a high amount of tension. It left me wanting more!

*People*Characters: The man is the main character in this story and I think while you've started to develop his character well that perhaps giving him a name would be something of a benefit. I always find it quite hard when I do a review and have to write 'the man' or 'the woman' and I think it would just add to his personality. He is terrified by the wraith that has appeared before him, he is trembling and unable to move.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is the man's bedroom in the dark of the night. I don't think you said this in as many words but I think it's great I've been able to get that information from what you have shown the reader. You use a lot of great description in order to let the reader see the wraith as he does and experience the voice.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: You build tension well in this piece through your use of description and dialogue *Smile*


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*you to know of my existance
you to know of my existence



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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660
660
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Jetman, you did a review for me and I wanted to come and return the favour, so here I am! I think I chose this one because of the dark imagines the title invoked for me *Smile*

*Pencil*Storyline: This was a really interesting piece. It tells the story of an unknown woman who, after seeing four drunken thugs set about a defenceless woman, comes to her rescue.

I think the story is well written, well paced and flows nicely. It is written in almost in a way of a time long since passed but it works well and I think it adds to the story.

*People*Characters: Annemarie was the main character in this piece. We see her first as an unknown woman and right from then, we know she is kick-ass! She's the dark and broody type, a loner and happy to be so. But she is humble and respectful and will not tolerate abusive behaviour. I like her; the early feminist *Smile*

*Home*Setting: The setting is a small town in a darkened alleyway. I think you have set the scene really well, allowing the reader to be there but perhaps giving a date or a place name would be more beneficial in adding to the context.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This piece was fast-paced and full of action. We see Annemarie taking a no nonsense approach, dealing with the four men swiftly and with expertise. You build up the suspense well using a lot of description and a combination of short and longer sentences.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*, their clothes stained with grease from food and stained with wine and beer, hey laughed and chortled
, their clothes stained with grease from food and marred with wine and beer, they laughed and chortled

There were just a small typo here and I think I'd change the second 'stained' for something else.

*BulletB*He swayed, though she could tell her was slightly less drunk
He swayed, though she could tell he was slightly less drunk



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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661
661
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! This is another review from your Nuclear package with the Power Reviewers! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I don't read a lot of non-fiction but your folder about your travels intrigued me, possibly because I would like to travel myself. I saw this piece and it really appealed to me. I like getting away to remote places and enjoy the solitary nature it can bring, so here I am to read your tale!

*Checkg*What I liked:

This piece had me hooked. You use a lot of brilliant description to show the reader what it looks like, what they could expect when visiting such a solitary and beautiful place. You've walked the reader through a typical holiday at the cabin including the relaxing and independant nature of it. We learn about what a typical day could be and how lovely and solitary it is all of the time. It's not far from other places where you feel able to go and explore and have your own adventures with your family. It sounds like a place I would absolutely ADORE! Unfortauntely, being in the UK, I'm not really sure we have such beautiful and solitary places.

I like the way you wound it down too, telling us that though your children have grown and perhaps moved on, newer generations will be there soon so you can journey to the mountains once more *Smile*

*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

662
662
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! I am here with a review as part of your Nuclear package from the Power Reviewers! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I think I chose this piece because I prefer reading short stories and starting at the beginning was an obvious choice! I don't often read sci-fi so I decided that it would be good to expand my boundaries a little and so I opened up the first chapter!

*Pencil*Storyline: I feel like you've opened up the story really well in this piece. It's almost like a prologue, introducing the reader to the context, setting and characters. I feel like we glean a lot of information here. We learn of three agents of the Federation, Ned, John and Rona. All are different. We kind of follow them along in this piece, finding out about them and the beginnings of the plot which works well.

*People*Characters: We first meet Ned and John who we find out are as close as close can be. They're friends as well as colleagues. Nedi s quite prejudiced and put out when he realises one of the latest dangerous missions has been tasked to Rona, a girl. It becomes quite clear he is at least a little bit sexist and doesn't expect a woman to be able to do the same sort of work. John is on the fence, he knows Rona and knows what she is capable of so he sticks up for her.

Rona seems to be a really unusual character. She had a really different upbringing, travelling with her family, spending time with different strangers, hearing their tales of woe as well as their happy times. SHe's really unique. You describe her really well and allow the reader to see her in their mind.

*Home*Setting: I think I'm aware that this piece is set slightly in the future (cars doing 200 miles an hour are a rare occurence here!) and a lot of it is set with the Federation, under water and in all parts of the world.




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*10-minute drive
ten-minute drive

Numbers under 100 are usually written out fully in text.

*BulletB*“Oh yeah, sure! See you tomorrow, John"
“Oh yeah, sure! See you tomorrow, John."

The ending punctuation was just missing from the end of the speech here.

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

663
663
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey Sisco, you've done some lovely things for me recently including sending me a precious c-note and gift points, so I wanted to return the review! I decided to come and offer you a review because I like getting to read other people's work. I chose this piece because it was the first thing in your highlighted items and it suggests that to get to know you a little better, this would be the key *Smile*

*Checkg*What I liked:

I think this piece is good, it's really bright and colourful full of images and links which lead to other parts of your portfolio as well as other people's. So as well as looking good it's helpful for a reader who does want to read a bit further or find out the differences between English and American English *Wink* (I too am English and find that it can get a little tedious sometimes)


I like how you've told us a bit about who you are and given hints as to your personlity. You seem to be really truthful, telling us your pet hate here! i like that *Smile* I think everyone should have one of these and now, inspired by you, I might write my own!

*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

664
664
Review of The Dream Fairy  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey Suska, you did a review for me and I wanted to come and return the favour *Smile* I think I chose this piece because I like fiction but it's also clear you're looking for feedback, so here I am!

*Pencil*Storyline: You know, I didn't check out the genre when I opened this piece and as I started reading it I thought to myself... this would make a fantastic children's story! It's so imaginative and thoughtful, I really enjoyed reading it. Amelia the fairy helps Lisa to finally get to sleep after lying awake, scared that her bad dreams were going to come. Amelia tried several tactics until she finally realised that Lisa was scared to go to sleep and even then, there was a simple solution!

I can really see this being told to children as they lay in bed at night *Smile*

*People*Characters: Lisa seems to be a sweet little girl who just can't sleep. I think she's characterised as much as she needs to be for the story when we realise she's scared to sleep because of the dreams that might come. Amelia is your typical beautiful little fairy, sweet and innocent and willing to do anything to help. I really like her name too.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is Lisa's bedroom and I feel like you set the scene well and the reader knows that Lisa is in bed after her mum tucks her in, trying to sleep as she looks out of the window.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*without dreams my home can’t exist” Amelia explained.
without dreams my home can’t exist,” Amelia explained.

The of the speech was missing a comma.

*BulletB*“I guess it’s worth a try” Lisa said.
“I guess it’s worth a try,” Lisa said.

*BulletR*That ought to do it she thought.
That ought to do it, she thought.

Direct thoughts tend to be put into italics.

*BulletV*but I just can’t” Lisa said with a whimper
but I just can’t,” Lisa said with a whimper



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

665
665
Review of Side by Side  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to offer you a review as a thank you for doing one for me! I don't often read poetry so you'll have to bear with me! I think I chose this piece because I know that in the past I have also had some trouble with some of my friendships and that inspired me to read this piece.

*Checkg*What I liked:

This poem tells of the sadness of a lost friendship. These things, unfortunately, do happen. Sometimes for unexplained reasons. I know certainly when I began to drift apart from one of my friends it hurt a lot but I was to stubborn to talk to her.

I think you've captured the emotion of this piece really well; it's obvious you care a lot for the friend you have not seen for a while. While it's not really apparent in the poem what happened to cause a rift in the friendship I wouldnt' say it's particularly important because this is about the consequence and aftermath of that.

The stanzas fit together nicely and flow well, the rhymes feeling natural. I would suggest maybe using punctuation more consistently in this piece. For example, where you have asked a question you have used a question mark so perhaps commas and periods would also help here. It's just a thought though!

*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*Should love and cae be tossed aside?
Should love and care be tossed aside?

I think this should be 'care'

*BulletB*I never ment to go this far
I never meant to go this far



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

666
666
Review of A Risky Purchase  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Your item popped up on the left hand bar as I was scrolling around on Writing.com and it intrigued me; I wanted to come and find out what the risky purchase was!

*Checkg*What I liked:

This was a really humorous piece and I really enjoyed reading it! It speaks of the way some adults, and even some teenagers, make the decision to have a baby without thinking the consequences through. You make a good point when you say that for any other purchase it can often take days, weeks or even months of deliberation. Everything has to be perfect, you have to be guaranteed. But when choosing to have a baby, people just tend to say, "Well, why not?" I for one am not of that persuasion and until I know I can afford to and really want to have a dependant child in my life, I will strive my best not to have one!

Anyway, I really did enjoy reading this *Smile* It made me smile lots!


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*"First, do you have a brochure we can look at.?"
"First, do you have a brochure we can look at?"

*BulletB*Still apprehensive, you say, Do we get an owner's manual or a maintenance schedule?"
Still apprehensive, you say, "Do we get an owner's manual or a maintenance schedule?"

*BulletR*Looking impatient he says, "Look, we will give you a sheet of paper telling you what to feed it the first few months. "That's it."
Looking impatient he says, "Look, we will give you a sheet of paper telling you what to feed it the first few months. That's it."


*BulletV*The results were mind boggling.to say the least.
The results were mind boggling to say the least.



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

667
667
Review of The Robin's Song  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and offer you a review for the So, You Think You can Write Contest. I like like all true mysteries this piece has a baffling title, one that asks the reader to think so it's a great start! And then the question in the title that the reader can't answer and intrigues them at the same time makes them continue.

*Pencil*Storyline: This story follows Dimitri whose wife takes an overdose for the second time and instead of calling for help, he watches her die as he holds her close. I found it to be a really sad and tragic tale.

*People*Characters: Dimitri is the main character within this. We find him to be confused with his actions, questioning his morality and his sanity throughout. He let his wife die rather then call an ambulance; if he'd been quicker or more willing perhaps she would have survived. I think it says a lot about his character. He got so far, he did so much and that was the final breaking point for him. It seems he can take so much until it becomes unbearable and then he is unable to offer even the slightest help. Perhaps he knew how much she suffered and thought her dying would be the best possible thing for her.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is an icy creek and you describe it well in order to set the scene.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: You set the atmosphere of intrigue in this piece really well, drawing the reader into the story and making them wonder what's going on. You introduce pieces into the plot at a good pace.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*“I’m dying, Dmitri. I’m dying, call an ambulance.”
“I’m dying, Dimitri. I’m dying, call an ambulance.”


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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Review of I Hate This Game  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey Theodore! I'm here for my third and final review as part of the package you won. The title of the peace is quite straight forward and backed up by the description makes it intriguing. I game quite a bit so I'm looking forward to reading this!

*Pencil*Storyline: I have to say... I really enjoyed reading this! It wasn't what I expected but it was so unique and original. I think you've been really creative with this piece considering the future of gaming and what that might bring and the consequences it could have. I think you narrated this piece really well and kept the reader hooked through the fast paced action and dialogue throughout.

*People*Characters: Kent and Jamie are the main characters in this. They're brother and sister though I didn't realise Jamie was a girl until Kent scoffed at her for it. I would maybe suggest trying to put this in a little earlier, it could be mention of her gender or her appearance or something. I think I would have also liked to know their ages and the difference between them.

Kent struck me as the annoying little brother; the guy who winds up his sister because he can. And Jamie, the big sister, the girl who takes the bait. She can't help but argue with Kent but I think this makes them all the more realistic as in my personal experience, siblings of a younger age tend to fight a lot.

Fred was the other character in this story and he struck me as a man who possibly spent most of his life playing a game. I think just your description of him, the fact that he works in an arcade and spends most of his life mentoring kids on how to play games!

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece was a game at the mall. I think you set the scene as much as necessary for the story to work.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: The atmosphere throughout this piece was tension. As a reader I had no idea whether Jamie would make it out alive and survive the game (and beat her brother). I think you created the atmosphere really well through use of description and dialogue and fast-paced action.

*BurstR*Dialogue: For me the dialogue worked really well, particularly between the brother and sister. They bickered and fought a lot which is really what happens in my experience and they talk like teenagers would, rising to each other's challenges too.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*Good, I told myself. You’ve made your case, now stick to your guns. He always tries to goad you into it. Don’t give in to the idiot brother.
Good, I told myself. You’ve made your case, now stick to your guns. He always tries to goad you into it. Don’t give in to the idiot brother.

When it comes to direct thoughts, as above, it's usually placed within italics just to separate it a little *Smile*

*BulletB*It barred its fangs at me and snarled.
It bared its fangs at me and snarled.

Ignore me if you think I'm wrong but I think this should be 'bared' as 'barred' means to be barred from somewhere. I think!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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669
Review of Temperament Test  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I saw this quiz in the contest newsletter and wanted to come and check it out!

*Checkg*What I liked:

I really liked this quiz and liked going through all of the questions. I found that I had to really think on some of them but mostly I knew straight away. It turns out I'm Melancholy and while I do agree with some of the traits of that personalitiy, maybe not all of them!

However, the quiz was really fun to do (I don't often do quizzes on here) so it took a little bit of time out of my day to think of me *Smile*


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

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670
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm back with another Tea Garden review because as I was perusing your port I noticed this an I find I always like getting to know people a bit better *Smile*

*Checkg*What I liked:


Thank you for sharing this with us. It has truly given a huge insight into your life and the way you have survived and pushed forward always *Smile* I guess you havne't quite finished it because of the way it ends. If you do finish it, please let me know, I'd like to find out more!

I really loved when you wrote: "In order for us to know each other we must share information through writing." I don't think you had to justify why you were writing this piece and I don't think that's what you were doing but this really sums it up for me. We live in an interactive, online community and because of the nature of it we may come across only a handful of people that we are able to get to know and call our friends. I think creating an item like this which will tell people who you are and where you've come from is really important for those people wanting to get to know you and I'm certainly considering doing it too! So thank you for being an inspiration to me *Smile*


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*excert get a drivers license
except get a drivers license

*BulletB*I tole her
I told her



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

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671
Review of Dogpack Handle  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and offer you a Tea Garden review *Smile* I think I chose this piece because I always like finding out how people came about their names!


*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a really nice piece and it fully answered my question about where you got the idea for the name from. I like the way you said " I would like to lead the way for people and animals, so that they can be all they are capable of being." I found that to be a really positive and forward-looking statement. I find often people are discouraged but you are a natural, you want to help people be everything they can be and you do it in a friendly and warming way.

I like that you've gone onto show how you help people here on writing.com and expressed the opinion that you do as much as you can to help out and make sure people are doing their best; including in reviewing. But you're also right in saying that you can keep growing and enhancing, and that's not a comment on you because I truly believe everybody can do this but the fact that you pointed it out is great!

You're already a great leader *Smile*

*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

672
672
Review of Why  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and offer you a review in return for the one you did for me, so here I am! My initial thoughts of this piece were that you are questioning something in your life, perhaps more on a philisophical level than anything. Here goes!

*Checkg*What I liked:

Okay this strikes me as a piece of your innermost thoughts. I think that's because of the subject as well as the way it's formed and written down. I feel like you share a lot of yourself here. I would maybe suggest changing the 'other' genre to something like experience or emotional so that it hits on more genres and lists.

You start off talking about the hunger you feel and what would happen if you chose not to feed, but then the piece moves onto another level which questions all other things about your life. This is what makes me think you have been considering, possibly, the meaning of life. I think everyone at some point considers this point. I'm not going to tell you my opinion because that's not important but I just want to say that it's not all bad *Smile*


This piece is really raw and while in some ways that is good in others ways I think it could use a little improvement. There are a couple of typos that I pointed out below, they're just small things so don't worry too much about them. The formatting of this piece is quite strange, it has some paragraphs, some points and then some points without anything beside them. I'm not sure if you've done this for effect but it might be worth considering why you did it.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*Funny how that beast stick its
Funny how that beast sticks its

*BulletB*that nonsense is still no satisfied.
that nonsense is still not satisfied.

*BulletR*"is there any difference between dieing starving and dieing after getting old?"
"Is there any difference between dying starving and dying after getting old?"



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

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673
Review of Passage  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I was perusing the horror section looking for something to read when I came upon this. I think it was the description that attracted me to the peace, that the name of the protagonist. Olivette: very original and unique.

*Pencil*Storyline: This story tells of Olivette who lives with her mother Folami. Her mother tells her tales of the Bondo, claiming that this devil would come for her because of her sins. It's not until the very end that we find out that the girl's sins are her womanhood and because of being born a woman, she must pay.

Genital mutilation. And it is all hidden in a web of stories and songs and feasts. Can I ask, did you do a lot of research for this piece?

*People*Characters: Olivette is the main character in this story. She is terrified by the tales her mother tells her but must endure until one day, the Bondo comes for her. She experiences the pain and torture but is still plagued by the devil. She must be a young girl though we don't find out. I have to say I felt so my sympathy for her when I realised what the bondo was.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece was in the hut that she calls a home that she shares with her mother. You set the scene well drawing the reader into the background and context of the story.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There was a strong atmosphere of tension thoughout; as a reader I knew something bad would happen but I didn't know what.


*Checkg*What I liked:

Her mother had said the bondo devils would dance in the streets, but Olivette saw their spirits lurking in the shadows, their long, ominous forms beckoning to her.


I really like this line and I think it's because of the imagery it portrays; it made it feel real to me.

*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

674
674
Review of Possession  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I saw this in the horror newsletter and really wanted to come and check it out, and I'm glad I did! Although I have to say, reading it alone on the graveyard shift myself.... not a great idea! hehe.

*Pencil*Storyline: This piece tells the story of Tony who is a young orderly at a mental institution. He is deathly tired as he appears to be working two jobs. We learn that Jack Stone has finally been captured, a man wanted for multiple and savage murders, and he is locked away in the institution. However, since he arrived the shifts have been permeated with strange occurences. Then the light blinks three times and goes out. This is when all of the horror begins. The creatures come and they mutilate the patients right before his eyes. And then he blacks out.

I like the story and while I can see origins of this in other things, I think you've done it brilliantly and made it your own. It's not what I was expecting and the twist at the end was great! It did leave me wondering why they had moved onto him and whether they would make him kill his family after working so hard to protect them.

*People*Characters: Tony is one of the main characters in this piece. He is portrayed as a young man working hard and determined to do his best by his family. He works two jobs and is doggedly tired but carries on knowing he's doing the right thing and that Karen will be happy.

Jack Stone is another main character in this piece. I love his name by the way! He is depicted as a man who is beyond reason; he murders and mutilates and claims no penance for his actions. When Tony speaks to him we see that he is a huge and rough man; he knows what he wants and he's not afraid of anything, except the creatures.

You also characterise several other characters. Ray for example is the typical overweight security guy. I think as a reader I knew that he wouldn't be very good in a crisis! And then Miss Grange, she is a sad character. She's young and yet old past her age and it's truly shocking to find out why she's in there.

*Home*Setting: You set the scene in this piece really well, showing the reader what is happening every step of the way whether it be to show them the scenery or background or the action. You guage the reactions of different people really well but I have to say, I didn't really picture Tony as the hero type.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: The atmosphere throughout this piece was rife; full of tension and anticipation. Something was going to happen it was just a matter of when. And it was when the lights went out. You use a combination of description and fast paced action to accelerate the readers heartbeat and eyes!




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*"Come on, Tony...Jack Stone?
"Come on, Tony... Jack Stone?

There should be spaces after the ellipses here. I think this happens quite a lot in this piece so just a minor typo. I did notice you use quite a lot of ellipsis at one point; it became quite noticable. You might want to try changing it for other punctuation.

*BulletB*She's never gonna leave here, he thought.
She's never gonna leave here, he thought.{c}

I tend to write people's direct thoughts into italics to make it a little clearer.

*BulletR*Tony leaned against the dark, his skin crawling with a million ants and his hair standing on end..
Tony leaned against the dark, his skin crawling with a million ants and his hair standing on end.

There was just an extra punctuation mark here.

*BulletV*He rubbed it around Stone's crotch, pulling away his genitals, and then the creature stepped back.

I think for me I would have chosen a more emotive word than 'pulled'. It doesn't tell the reader what actually happens to the man's genitals and it took me a while to realise they'd been detached.



*NoteR*A few parting comments...

This was a really good read and creeped me out to the core! I certainly don't want to leave the office now! Ignore my suggestions if you will, they are after all, just suggestions *Smile*

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

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675
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I was looking through the horror genre for something to read when I came across this piece. I think the title and description tell a lot about the story and I wanted to find out more!

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a really well written piece! I didn't realise it was an 'alphabet' story but you've done a really good job with this! Not sure it's something I could have done. You managed to keep the story on track, going at the right pace and moving forward, all while using the next progressive letter. Well done!

*People*Characters: Riggs and Robbie are the two main characters in this. Robbie strikes me as a simply young man, he gets paid and gives his money to his mother to keep himself and family. Riggs is a professor who obviously has a darker side. I think if it was anyone but Robbie they would have questioned what they were doing, and certainly when he made his confession, but I think his reaction stayed true to his character so well done for that!

*Home*Setting: The setting is the field in the middle of nowhere. Robbie is digging a hole. Even in just 26 sentences you have managed to set the scene well, giving the reader a sense of his background and the context of the story.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: Well we know there's something not quite right here but it's not until the very end we figure it out! I can't believe she's being buried alive! Poor woman.


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers Group:

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