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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello there---

You reviewed a piece of my earlier today, and I wanted to return the favor!

I liked this story, and I loved that you chose to tell it through letter entries. It makes for a refreshing change of delivery, and actually makes it very easy to read. I liked the tone of the MC; his character was obviously very warm and endearing--if a bit brash and naive--and there was a consistent dark and subtle humor that permeated throughout the story that I enjoyed very much.

I also liked how you met the challenge of the prompt. Yes, it's true that it's a story about the devil himself, but actually, it wasn't too scary a lot, and I'M OKAY WITH THAT. *Smile* Stories about God v. Satan scare me half to death, so I'm very good with tone and how you presented it. *Smile*

Oh, and before I forget, and I thought it was clever how the saga of Daniel, his uncle, Peter and the whole lot comes full circle. I did wonder why Daniel's uncle was in prison, why he was writing him, etc. So that was very ingenious. No small feat to come up with that, I don't think.

I only found a few things to criticize:

You wrote:
"...the girl whom I loved and lost so many years ago." I would end this with a question mark.

You wrote:
"Anyways - it is time to let bygones be bygones..." I think you have a typo here with "anyways" because the rest of Daniel's writing and speech is very eloquent and sophisticated and "anyways" sounds almost juvenile, something a teenager would say. I assume it's a typo.

You wrote:
"...the hall we had rented for the happy occasion." This one little phrase struck as odd because prior to the cancellation of the wedding, yes, it was going to be a happy occasion, but after calling off a wedding, would a person still call it a "happy occasion"? My suggestion would be to simply change it to ".....for the reception." It's neutral enough, and still indicates that the wedding is going to be called off, I think.

You wrote:
"...make man more suspicious of his fellow man." I would write: "...make a man...."

Lastly, there is one span of time between the entry dated Mar 14 and Mar 17 that I think could be extended a little bit. Given that he went from being engaged and almost at the altar to calling off the wedding after one chance meeting, would somebody call off a wedding so quickly? I get that this deal with the devil is of the utmost urgency, but I would still argue that a little more time but be more realistic, perhaps two weeks? Just a thought.

Well, that's everything. I really enjoyed it! Thanks for the great read!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of Witch's Fury  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello--

I enjoyed reading your story. I thought you met the challenge of the prompt very well. The story was engaging and wrought with emotion. It was kind of scary without about horrific, and I really like that. So good job!

My only criticism would be---if you could call it that---would be a certain lack of development, but I don't doubt that's because of the limitations of the word count. However, now that the contest is over, perhaps you could flesh it out a bit more. Nothing much, but more details here and there: how did he meet Theta? how was it that she was taken and not Sera? etc. Just little things to develop the background more and up the "interesting" factor.

However, other than that, I thought this was a great story. I really enjoyed reading it! Thanks for sharing!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ha ha ha!

That was very cool, very funny, and brought a little smile to my face! I loved it, mainly because I do so love to curse, and if it weren't for my current job (a teach high school) I'd be cursing up a storm all day long, without abandon....*sigh*. Actually, it's probably the worst possible environment to work in if you don't want to curse, ha ha!

Anyway, like I said, this was very good. But more importantly, in terms of the writing, it was short, tight and concise. I don't know if this was for a flash fiction competition or something like that, but you told a whole lot of story in a small word count, and I think that takes real talent and extreme control of language, and obviously do that very well. The little story itself was full of humor, of course, but it had some great imagery as well. Years ago I worked in a "cubicle" environment, and I could easily see the other co-workers up in a half-stance, peering over the walls of their own cubicles, looking for the cursing culprit in the office. For me, that was priceless. Also, I loved the ending. You gotta appreciate a boss with a sense of humor. God knows they can be hard to come by.

Anyway, thank you for sharing---it was fun!
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello there--

Thank you for sharing your story. I think your story has a lot of bright spots, and was a very enjoyable read. I especially thought that it was warm with emotion, and the voice of your character was lively and realistic. I thought you captured the sound of a young child (I'm guessing around twelve or so because she is frequently going out on her own) and you did it with authenticity that can sometimes be hard to capture when writing. I also liked the character you portrayed in Loretta. We learned a lot about her through your lead character's descriptions and interactions with her, and they were well-received, at least by me.

There were some things that I would mention to you that stood out and you may need to revisit or tweak accordingly.

The first thing I noticed was your frequent use of ellipses (...) You used it a lot, particularly in some places where it did not need to be. For example, here you wrote:

Left on my own a lot, I also explored. Each time I set out to find the bread factory though, it seemed I found new friends…

I don't think you need it here at all. You could just end this with a period and move on to the next point which clarifies this first one expressed here.

Another example:
There were many characters and someday I will probably write about all of them…

I understand why you chose to place the ellipses here, but I think it might be better to just finish that thought/sentence outright or to leave it out altogether. I would push for leaving it, but finishing. You could do something like this:

There were many characters and someday I will probably write about all of them, but that's a story for another and time.

Lastly, I would point out two issues of plot.

You started off talking about your trip to the movies with Loretta and Sarah, and that there was an incident. The whole passage was written very well, but you did not give any conclusion, other than to say that you knew why she had acted the way she did, but no one else (the reader) does. It's very incomplete without that knowledge.

Additionally, not only is that question not answered, but then the story shifts to your characters excursions into a black neighborhood to play with black children. I think as a separate vignette, it's actually very lovely, but to me, it doesn't quite mesh with the part about the theater. I think if there was a way to better to transition and connect the two "instances" you may really have a beautiful short story.

Well, anyway, I hope that this has been helpful. However, please feel free to disregard anything you disagree with.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of Seven Days Left  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello--

You interested a piece of mine earlier today, and I wanted to return the favor!

I liked this little story. It was short and right to the point, but I thought it was cleverly done. Although the ending was a little abrupt, it really tied the whole story together nicely, and of course, the reader is left wanting more, but in a very good way. You told a lot of story with a small word count, and I think that's a testament to your command and control of word choice.

Thank you for sharing your work!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello--

You reviewed a piece of my yesterday, and I wanted to return the favor.

This story has a great plot and theme. You had your character go through the cycle of love, loss & grief, and renewal in a completely realistic way. I'm sure anyone who has ever loved a pet could really appreciate and relate to this story. There was a lot of emotion in all the right places, and I think Nora came to move through her grief in a very logical fashion. So good job there.

In terms of writing, I found a few errors that should be addressed. They are mostly transition errors. In the beginning, there is an awkward transition between this section right here:

I had gold. I kissed him on the forehead. “You’re fabulous Willy, absolutely fabulous.”
“Hey Nora.”
I looked up from my chemistry homework. “Yeah Dad?”

The problem here is that the the reader goes from being outside with Nora and the horse to suddenly being back inside doing homework and talking to her Dad. However, the fix is very easy: just move "Hey Nora" down a couple of lines so that there is a clear, visual separation between one section and the other.

The next instance is here, when you wrote:

His face darkened. “I’ll call him and get down as soon as I can. Get that horse walking.”
I quickly placed the halter on him as he paused in his rolling. I started towards the indoor arena. “Come on,” I said, “We need to get you walking. You’ll be fine.” Right, He’ll be fine, I tried convincing myself, Just fine.

The problem here is Nora ran back to the house to tell her father the horse was in trouble. The father told her to go walk him, but there is no indication that she went back to the barn. In fact, as the reader, when I read the next sentence, for a moment I though she was putting a halter on her father. So. You need to show she moves back to the barn to take care of her horse. Otherwise, it's awkward.

The next instance is here, when you wrote:

My mom eventually pulled me off of Willy, insisting I was going to get hypothermia. Too exhausted and frozen to resist, I followed her out, but I did not take my gaze from Willy. I would never see him again.
It had been almost three months since Willy had died.

This is just like the first one you did. You only have to move the line "It had been almost three months since Willy had died." down a couple of lines and you're set. This will indicate the separation between the two events.

Anyway, I hope this has been helpful. Thank you for sharing your work.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of Feeding the Crows  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Someone's been a busy little bee!

Or perhaps I should say bird......

I LOVED this story. You and I have the same kind of perspective on things, so I'm really loving your stuff. And the speed with which you are producing stories is just FAB. That means I will have more great stuff to keep reading and reviewing! I'm getting goosebumps! *Smile*

Excellent way to meet the challenge of the prompt. I loved the premise you provided to set up the story, and the locale you created to make it work rang with realism. In my mind, I imagined a small African village, somewhere off the western coast of Africa, where magic and superstition is still strong. The writing was very clean and crisp, and there were no errors to impede my reading of your piece, so good job there. I loved the imagery you created and the description of Gran. It was very sharp and on point.

And of course, I loved, loved, loved the ending. So tragic, of course, and yet so noble. That Gran did not even hesitate to give her life to help her people is such a lovely testament to her character, and you wrote it well.

This one I'm sure will be a winner tomorrow! It doesn't get any better than this! *Smile*

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of Succubus  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there--

I thought this was a great story. Extremely well-written; it is really the kind of story resonates with me. I loved the open-ended ending, it leaves the reader wanting more, and imagining so much worse. I would consider this a horror story, but very unlike the obvious blood and gore that characterizes so many stories of this genre. To me, it's "intelligent" horror, and the fear experienced here is really all mental. We imagine the violence, we imagine the blood and gore and torture, and to me, that's far more effective.

My only criticism would be that I don't know how well you met the challenge of the prompt. If this were a love story, I'd say you really went reaching to make that connection between the ugly man and the woman's love for him. And to me, given what would have been the outcome, I don't know that she really fell in love. Understand that I do think your story is fantastic, I just don't think it met this particular prompt.

That aside, however, I'm going it a 4.5 rating because it was a great read and written very well. I loved it!

Oh, and welcome to WDC Power Reviewers! Consider this one WDC Power Review to another!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of A Sleepy Battle  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello--

This was an interesting piece of writing. I think you have a very good handle on the pace of your story; I thought it was very appropriate for the subject matter, kind of slow, careless, winding, and I think that's okay when were talking about the process of going to sleep.

In terms of improving this piece, I would take care not to be overly description. It's funny, this is a piece of advice I have been giving out a lot lately, but I do have the same problem myself. But knowing that, I think it can be a burden on the reader. Not saying to cut out every adjective or descriptive sentence, but perhaps if you have a sentence with three adjectives, cut it down to two. If it has two, reduce it to one. I think that by contracting the piece a little bit and really reviewing for word choice, you can have a tighter piece of writing. But again, knowing that I can be guilty of exactly the same thing, I recognize that it's very hard to do. So just know that this is a suggestion, nothing that you have to do written in stone.

In any case, I know that this is the first piece of writing in your portfolio, and overall, it really is not bad at all. This is a great site to help you become a prolific writer.

I didn't see too many writing errors, just a couple:

You wrote:
hiding all the wondrous complexities of a lighter coloured iris.

I would change the to their and of to in

You wrote:
a manhole than a gateway into the soul, it is clear they feel cheated.

Instead of a comma, use a semi-colon.

You wrote:
Maybe it is time, I yawn a long, deeply inhaled yawn.

Instead of a comma, use a semi-colon.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your piece. Keep up the good work and as many here like to say: Write On!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow--

That was great! I loved the tone of the story, it was sooo elegant and rich and luxurious, as was your word choice. I have to say, I read in your bio that your writing skills were rusty. WELL. If this is rusty, I wonder what well-oiled will look like!

I loved that the relationship between the Sun God and Mother Nature. Even as celestial bodies, men are just no good, are they? ;-0
And I thought the ending was brilliant. I liked that the One was not named, because it allows the reader to give their own interpretation. You imagine one great being, of course, but there is still some freedom there for the reader, and I think that's a good thing because it allows the reader to personalize the story, and I do think that will be the case here with your piece.

I know that this is the prompt for today's Writer's Cramp. When I saw it, I couldn't possibly fathom what to write, and as such, I thought to myself "I'll just wait for tomorrow's prompt." Well, thank goodness I made that choice, because I definitely see a winner here! Here's keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Anyway, thank you for sharing. That was just lovely. Good luck tomorrow!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Occupant  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

This version is much better, I have to say. You included a bit where the main character is having a discussion with herself, struggling to deal with what she perceives is her part in her mother's untimely demise. This is one of the great writing conventions: man vs. himself. It provides a sense of conflict to the story, and as a result, the reader begins to look for resolution. This is what helps keep the reader engaged. In your story, the reader is now reading to see if this woman's careless behavior will in fact lead to her mother's death, so this helped to keep me engaged. I kept thinking, well, maybe she'll pull out of it, because you don't want to see people punishing themselves in that way. Alas, it was not meant to be, but again, it provides the high interest needed to give your story a greater sense of "wholeness", if you will.

In terms of writing, I did find a typo along the way.

The trio mad their way.... mad should be made

Also, I don't think you need this sentence:
You could see her eyes move under the partial closure of her lids. Or, if you choose to keep it, I would remove the you. The story is written in third person and this switch to second person is jarring.

Lastly, I would suggest that some care be taken with your adjectives (mind you, this is coming from the queen of overblown adjectives!) Obviously, you need some to help set the tone and mood, but over use I think can burden the reader. Your piece is already highly emotional; readers will understand the emotional nature of the story without too much assistance. But this is just an opinion, so if you disagree, please feel free to ignore my comment.

Anyway, this read much better to me. I changed my rating to a 4. I hope my comments were helpful.
Thank you for sharing your work.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Occupant  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello---

I think this piece was well-written. It was certainly very descriptive, aand moved at a pace appropriate for the story being told. I thought you painted a lovely picture of someone passing on, surrounded by family and loved ones.
That being said however, I was left kind of unsatisfied. I was looking for something more within your story: mainly some kind of conflict, something to happen. My impression was of somthing just merely being described. For me, it wasn't enough. Obviously, what I am suggesting moves beyond the scope of your piece, but I do feel it needs something.

Regardless, these are just my humble opinions. Please disregard anything you disagree with.
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Knock Knock  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello--

Well, I wanted to return the favor. That was very interesting. I liked the one-sided dialogue, I thought it was pretty well-done, and there were some parts in particular that sounded very natural. And I also liked the way you wove outside elements into the conversation, like with the dog, for instance. That was very realistic and resonated with me.

I only have two critiques. The first one is minor, but I would tell you that there are some small punctuation errors here and there. For example, after What the? I would put some ellipses so that it looks like this: What the....? Just minor things like that.

My other thing was the "just keep reading these words" part. I assume they lulled and/or hypnotized the victim so that he could be slaughtered later? I wasn't really sure how it tied to the poster and the leprechaun, other than the leprechaun is alive and talks. What I did like was the ending, but I guess what I'm saying is the transition between the reading of the words to discussing the night's meal so to speak did not give me enough information to satisfy my curiosity.

Anyway, these are just my opinions. Feel free to disregard anything you disagree with.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello there--

I want you to know that the main reason you won was because I am the president of the world, and I have friends in high places----ha ha ha ha!!!! *Laugh*

Seriously, I thought your story was really good. I read it early this morning before I went to work, and the thing I loved the most was the paragraph about the similes and metaphors. That was my favorite part. I loved how with people's attempt to recite one, they had to be corrected. How true is that in real life!!!

This story had a great pace and flow, and you very ingeniously incorporated writer's games and tricks and themes very cleverly into the story. Actually, I loved the game Add-three-words. I have played a version of this game with my children, but we just use one word at a time. It never occurred to me to extend the number of words, so for the next road trip, this is definitely on!

Anyway, congratulations on your win, and thanks for the shout-out! It was a very pleasant surprise!

Elizabeth
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

You reviewed something of mine earlier and I wanted to return the favor!

This was a very interesting piece. I remember this prompt from the Writer's Cramp. You met the challenge of this prompt very well. The tone of the story was appropriate: a quasi-skeptical VIP guest of the bride has issues with the tone and tenor of the wedding, and that carries all the way through your piece. Equally important though is the sense of affection that the sibling has for her sister, despite what she perceives to be as her sister's antics.

I think this little story really rang true, because even though it was kind of a small mishap in scale, these are the kinds of things that happen all the time in everyday life. I'm sure lots of people can relate to this.

Thank you for sharing!
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello--

I really liked this, and I partially could relate to it in a very personal way. I was moved by the opening paragraphs of your story; I really felt as if I was reading my own emotions about one who got away from me years ago, so I was deeply touched by your words. I think you did a lovely job of describing unrequited love, I don't think I can say enough good things about it.

My only critique in your whole story was the very last sentence. To me, it sounded very contrived, very abrupt and trite, and after the overall beauty of your passage as a whole, that one line I thought was unnecessary. It detracted from the depth of emotion you so aptly described. However, this is only my opinion. Disregard it if you don't agree.

Otherwise, beautiful work. Thank you for sharing!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

That was really interesting. I'm still trying to imagine the circumstances around this street performer, his hovercraft, and why the burnt woman doesn't look so burned and why she is up and well, BUT----

I did enjoy it. I thought the flow of conversation and dialogue was fantastic. You got all the rhythms of conversation exactly right, as well as the intonations, and I could really hear this conversation taking place somewhere, like a conversation you overhear in a restaurant or something. It was lively and fun, and I found myself very much engaged and intrigued by this woman's little story as was her friend. *Smile* And her friend's responses were great. Very realistic, and I found myself chuckling quite a bit.

I take it the scene between the officer and the hovercraft guy is after the fact, but it's good to help clear up some things. And I would also venture to say that it too rings with a certain kind of reality in that I can see this kind of misunderstanding taking place.

All in all, a little odd, yes, but completely enjoyable, nonetheless!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow---

That was beautifully described. I felt beyond Gary and Carrie, the house itself was the main character of this story, and you really went to the next level with your descriptions. Fantastic. Your dialogue between brother and sister was very realistic, flowing very naturally.

My only criticism would be that I wish something more would have happened. One Carrie saw the woman in the mirror, it was a really great build-up, and as the reader, I was anticipating something on a grand scale was about to happen, and even though your story had a good ending, I really had been waiting for something more, and was a little disappointed when I didn't get it. Why was the old woman in the mirror? Who was she? What kind of death did she suffer? I thought this would have provided a greater, more satisfying ending for the reader. But again, your writing was really good.

Thank you for sharing!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
** Image ID #1805551 Unavailable **
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Review of Insert Title Here  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello--

You reviewed something of mine earlier, and I wanted to return the favor!

Well, I can certainly say I'm intrigued, but it would be nice if it were a bit longer--of as a preliminary chapter or what have you---to get an even greater sense of what is going on or what is going to happen. However, that being said, you have a lot of good stuff going on here. Your lead character is very interesting, and the tone you set by way of your character is very captivating. She holds the reader's interest well. I also liked your secondary character, Hanna. She is obviously flawed, and so far, given her flaws, you have described her very well also. The writing itself is almost a little gritty, a little "down and dirty", but in a good way. I anticipate hearing some salty language coming from your lead character. I get a vague sense of dark, smoky places, back streets, and a couple of unsavory characters will soon make themselves apparent. I hope that's what you were going for!

Anyway, thanks for sharing!
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello--

That is a lovely story, a tearjerker actually. Any kind of story of a vet coming home to surprise their loved one gets me every time, but it helps greatly that is also very well-written. It is full of warmth and emotion, and in a piece like this, that's very important. I thought you met the challenge of this prompt in a beautiful way; certainly, I was moved. Actually, I thought the twist at the end was great, that the child wanted to surprise the parent. I got the impression that was going to happen, but nonetheless, it still was a nice change in the tale.

I only saw two small errors.

One) You wrote:

“Dad, I want dad to be here.” She had answered.

Two things with this: if you leave it how you have it written, then you need a comma after here, and she starts with a lowercase "s". However, I think for my emotional impact, and a small but simple change would do:

"Dad," she said simply. "I just want Dad to be here." I think if you re-phrased it like this, it would speak even more to the emotion of your piece.

Two) You wrote:

Miriam noticed that she Jenny had eleven gifts to open.

You have both she and Jenny back to back. One of them needs to be deleted.

Anyway, that's it.
Thanks for sharing!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow, pretty amazing! I'm intrigued!

Your story had a great build-up, and the writing was spot-on. It flowed easily, and I was captivated by the story almost immediately. You certainly met the challenge of the prompt, but I wish I knew more about what was going on. Hopefully now that the contest is over, you are going to enhance it and develop it more (you'll notice I didn't see "revise" because I don't see anything that needs to change!) The tone of your story was really very lovely, and as a reader, I felt concern for Mahan, and I of course hoped that she would come to the right decision.

That said, certainly my curiosity is piqued. Your other characters, Mr. Gratius and Ms. Dowry were well-done, and I was interested to know more about them as well. Based on the ending, I wanted to know why Ms. Dowry was so dark, and Mr. Gratius so benevolent.

Good story, good use of 993 words!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Eleven Isn't Old  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there--

Can I see you so have the gift of writing dialogue? You really have a knack for it, and it always sounds so light and natural. I also just really enjoy your stories where it is only just straight dialogue. I really think that this is a cool way to tackle some of this short prose. You can get all the fluff out of the way and just get to the meat of the issue: the characters. In this story, your characters say so much! I especially related to the Mom and the way she kept insisting she was younger than she was. I've been going through that myself this year; every time my dear children (oh, no, you don't hear sarcasm there) remind me that I'm 40, I have to immediately go back and remind them that I'm 40....minus 12. So really I'm 28, although for some reason, they're not buying it... *Wink*

But anyway, this was pure light and fun, but very clean and direct, if you will. Again, great handle on the dialogue. Love it!

Elizabeth John
298
298
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello--

I don't normally critique poetry, mainly because I feel like poetry is soo open to interpretation that I wonder if there really is such a thing as bad poetry....that being said, because the poem was about people critiquing poetry, I thought I'd take a peek. I think this is a good piece. Certainly you expressed your disdain for poetry reviewers very well. I think what I liked most about your poem is the topic matter. It is such an unlikely subject for a poem! But that's what got my attention, and I read and enjoyed it to the end. Certainly, I kind of agree with you about people's critique about poetry; they can be unnecessarily harsh for a form of expression that at its very core is meant to be free and unconstrained. Sometimes, people make you wonder....

Anyway, good job on this!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
299
299
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

Your story was very good. I thought it was mostly well-written, and I found little in terms of punctuation, grammar, and spelling errors to comment on. Certainly, you met the challenge of the prompt very well.

I think my only criticism--and it's really not a criticism, but more of an observation--is that if you had to improve on this story, I would humbly suggest to just flesh it out more. I think the character of Sarah could be richer, and perhaps more complex, if you revisit it. I'm sure that the only reason that you weren't able to is because of the word count, but now that you are no longer constrained by it, I think it would be well worth to just develop her character and the story more. And when I say this, it's not because you have a bad story. On the contrary, I think you have a good piece that was encumbered by the word count. Of course, as a contest entry, that could not be helped, but now, the sky's the limit.

In any case, these are just my opinions. Disregard anything you do not agree with. Happy writing!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
300
300
Review of Lion's Tooth  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I think I'm speechless.





But in a very good way. *Smile*

That was amazing. What a great story. Very tight, and the tension was so thick, you could cut.....well, I'm sure you know how the saying goes. Beautifully written. The dialogue was fantastic, so natural. It sounded like dialogue out of a script for a movie, it flowed so well. I felt that I was there, out there in the snow, listening to these tough, hardened men go at it out in the cold. I felt like I was out there, sneaking a peek at something I shouldn't be seeing, hearing, witnessing...but I couldn't stop. The story sucks you in and holds you fast, leaving you breathless at the end.

You did an amazing job. You should be proud.

In terms of writing mechanics, I didn't see any errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation. It could also be that I was so taken by the story and was reading so fast, I wasn't paying attention. But that's definitely not a bad thing!

Thanks for sharing!

Elizabeth John
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