I thought your writing here was very good. There is an obvious sense of control and care that is undeniable. The word choice is varied and it was because of this my interest was held. However, I wasn't exactly sure how it met the requirements of the prompt. Please know that I am not trying to be rude or disrespectful, but I just had a hard time following the story. It was hard to discern how he became integrated into his story---but, it could just be me. Again, this is not personal, just my opinion.
Hello--
I liked your story. It was a very clever way to meet the prompt requirement, and the writing was great. You used a lot of imagery, and I could easily see the conversation ttanspiring in a lowly hospital room. My only critique would be the end. The beginning really had a great build-up and was unfolding beautifully, but then the end felt very forced and rushed. I got the impression you were just trying to end it. Now that the contest for this one is over, it may be worth it to go back and and enhance the ending a little bit more, for a richer fuller and more complete ending.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. Please feel free to use them or disregard them as you wish.
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
Hello--
I thought your story was very interesting. It had a kind of "modern-day fairy tale" feel to it that I liked. I know that this was written as a contest entry with a specific word count, but I think it would be great if you fleshed it out some more. I was curious to know more about the character and why the things that were going on down the well were happening as described. I would have liked to know why the mother was spewing thorns & such. I think you could easily enhance the story with these details and still meet the word count. However, this is just my opinion, and if it doesn't mesh with your vision of your story, please disregard it. Respectfully, Elizabeth John
Hello--
I liked this piece. I thought that the premise was very clever, and of course, the humor throughout was very a propos. However, I would have liked the tone and the tenor of the story to remain consistent. The story begins with one particular style, very eloquent, verbose, very "old-world" (for lack of a better way of putting it) but as you go through it, the language shifts and changes and becomes very modern. I think that shift causes it to lose some of its initial punch. I would go so far as to say that if you had maintained your original style, the piece would have been even funnier because no one would expect those kinds of insults and remarks from someone speaking so well. However, in the end, these are all just my opinions. I certainly do not want to step on your toes! Feel free to take or leave these suggestions as you wish.
Hello--
I thought your piece was very interesting. Certainly, your writing was on point: it was very clear and concise, very sharp. I liked it very much. I also thought it was filled with a lot of imagery, a lot of great descriptive language. My criticism is only that I wished I knew a little--just a little bit, mind you!--about where they were or what they were doing. Again, not so much that you lose the mystery, because I do feel that can very powerful, but really just enough to more fully engage the reader. Otherwise, it's a very good piece of writing.
I liked your story very much. I thought that Isaac was a great character, and I could sense his conflict, his struggle. I also definitely liked the end (I love a good tragedy!). There were a few things that I thought you should look at:
"You good?" The next sentence after this should start the next paragraph. It shouldn't be part of the opening sentence.
"I will, he howls....." "I will" should be in quotations
"...my first hand grenade.." I didn't know that was slang for a beer. Maybe I'm getting old. If it's common lingo, leave it, but if not, I would take it out. It could be confusing---for a moment, I really thought it was a hand grenade, given what was about to happen.
"...my voice is drown out by the sound of gunfire..." should be drowned out....
"None of this was his problem..." was he talking about Jason or the old man? It's a little ambiguous.
"The man has him real wrapped up..." this sounded a little awkward to me. Maybe "the man has him wrapped up really tight...." Just a suggestion.
“and maybe tell them...." and should be capitalized.
"And we let go and I watch...." I don't think you need the "and' in the beginning. I think you could leave it out and it would be just as strong.
Last, I want to just highlight some of my favorite sentences in your piece. They either were wonderfully descriptive, extremely emotive, or just simply resonated with me, for whatever reason.
"...let my fingers run along the line of chips, making them sing out their foiled crackle...."
"...and little lakes pool around the rim of her brilliant emeralds...."
"...slowly pull the guns up towards him, orchestrating the symphony of steel...."
Continued success with your writing,
Elizabeth John
I pretty much enjoyed your play. I wanted to read it because of the style you chose to write it in: a play, and to that end, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I thought the dialogue was spot-on, given the situation, and Roper hands-down was my favorite character. You wrote him some great lines, over and over again, and I laughed the most when reading him. I also think that the stage directions were great and provided a fantastic visual picture. I could really see the action as presented taking place on stage. However, I know that as it was a comedy, the comedic element is the relationship between Clarice and Boots, but try as I might, I just couldn't buy it. As I read it, I keep thinking that Clarice was going to pull a "Gotcha" on her parents. I think her reasoning for dating him was acceptable, almost to the point of being convincing, but something still held me back. Maybe a little more from Clarice earlier in the play that gives more insight to her character? Something that shows an immaturity that will help give greater authenticity to her behavior. I guess I say this because I teach high school and I deal with 17-year-old girls all day long, and it's really hard to mesh what I see everyday with what you have here, all things considered.
Anyway, I hope this helps, but please know that this is simply an opinion, and I mean no harm or disrespect to your work.
I liked your story: fast, dark, and violent---I always find that to be a good combination! I thought the writing was pretty crisp, and sharp, for the most part and I only have two critiques. 1) There are a couple of lines where you projected their thoughts. I would suggest putting those in italics. Right here, for instance: "....those eyes that told me don’t even think about it, don’t even think about it because I’ll hunt you down and hurt you, I’ll hunt you down and make you regret ever being born." And last, there is a spot where you used the expression severed in two consecutive paragraphs. I would try to change one of them (this is my own personal pet peeve, so you can disregard that one if you want).
Continued success with your writing.
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I thought the writing was pretty crisp, and sharp, for the most part and I only have two critiques. 1) There are a couple of lines where you projected their thoughts. I would suggest putting those in italics. Right here, for instance: "....those eyes that told me don’t even think about it, don’t even think about it because I’ll hunt you down and hurt you, I’ll hunt you down and make you regret ever being born." And last, there is a spot where you used the expression severed in two consecutive paragraphs. I would try to change one of them (this is my own personal pet peeve, so you can disregard that one if you want).