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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Max--

Sorry it took me so long to return the favor--holiday shopping and all that....

Anyway, I actually did start reading this a few days ago, but it was really late (like well after mid-night) and my eyes were fighting me to stay awake. So on the first read, I got half-way through it. On the first read, I guess because I was so tired, I missed the connection between the Puchner girl and Duane; I only knew that I liked the sound of the story and the movement.

On this second read, I feel even more strongly about the movement, the pace, and the tempo of the story. So far, I also like the main character. He's seems generally like an all-around good guy, but with his issues and quirks no different than anyone else. I did notice that he's ultra-neat; a nice personality trait unique to him. Makes me think of someone very rigid, very orderly. And given his issues with the new secretary, I think that holds true.

I only have one criticism so far, and that is with Bregas' character. In the beginning, when she is introduced, she has a "faint" Spanish accent. However, as the conversation goes on, there are points where you seemed to make a particular effort to focus on her accent, which of course, is in contrast to the initial description. For example, somewhere she said grad-you-ation or something to that affect. Because of the emphasis here (and a few other places) I didn't get the impression it was a faint or light accent, in fact, it felt and sounded pretty heavy to me. Of course, the easy solution to this problem is just to remove the word "faint" from that initial descriptive tag, and then you're good to do.


In terms of writing, I spotted a few things here or there. I'm sure you want to catch and correct them early so you don't have to be bothered later.
You wrote:
"It's a woman , sir.

My suggestion:
Eliminate the space between the comma and woman.

You wrote:
"My problem!" Her voice changed...

My suggestion:
I would change the exclamation point to a question mark. When I read it to myself, I heard it as a question.....

You wrote:
if he says he's one of them homo-sex-uals.

My suggestion:
Divide homo into two syllables, and put homosexuals in italics. I think it will give more emphasis.

You wrote;
Lola's one of them faggots what tempted him to stray from Jesus."

My suggestion:
I think you meant to say:
Lola's one of them faggots THAT tempted him to stray from Jesus."

You wrote:
Debbie looked up from where hunkered over her keyboard at the receptionist desk

My suggestion:
I think you missed a word:
Debbie looked up from where SHE hunkered over her keyboard at the receptionist desk

Anyway, I think you have a really good beginning here that will captivate the reader's interest and keep them engaged as the story rolls on.
Thanks for sharing!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Momento  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there--

I was just randomly looking at the poems here and I happened upon this one. You really did a good job with this one, especially given the very strict format that you had to follow. I'm not particularly into these really strict forms and syllable counts, but this was cool in the way you wrote it and presented it. And it was softly, dreamily romantic. Made me wonder what was in the photo!!!

Anyway, just passing through! Thanks for sharing your work!

Elizabeth John
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228
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Review of Seeds of Change  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there--

Thank you for sharing your work! I came to this contest to see what it was all about, and I decided to take a peek at what others were writing so I could get a feel for it. I happened upon your poem, and I have to tell you, I loved it! I loved the narrative that you wove using verse, but beyond that, what a profound and deep message! Even if I thought I wanted to try this contest this month, after reading this, I think I'll wait! *Bigsmile*

My only criticism would be that there where one or two spots that I stumbled a bit over the rhythm, but as I frequently have that problem in my own writing, for me, it's not a big deal.

Lastly, I LOVED the ending. That hint of the cycle starting again, that all of this goes 'round and 'round, on and on, was intriguing to me, and will help me remember and continue to think about your poem long after I have finished this review.

Thanks again for giving me some insight on what to expect for this contest! I think I may just have to head for the hills with great writing like this!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Copper and Silk.  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there!

You reviewed a poem of mine earlier and I wanted to return the favor!

Thank you for sharing your work! This was very interesting. In your description, you stated that this poem was about a man you hated. First of all, I appreciate the darkness of that sentiment and that you wanted to put it into verse. And I think that in your poem, you mostly convey that emotion. In the first couple of lines in particular, I think that you are on point with what you are trying to saying, as well as with the last four lines of the poem. My only concern is with lines 7-9. They threw me off a little, mainly because I keep wondering what kind of suit--even symbolic--is made up of copper and silk (ironically, I did love the title of this poem, Copper and Silk)? I got the impression that it was worn to provide the narrator with some sense of protection from this man, but I wasn't sure how if he could so easily penetrate it and destroy her defenses...?

In any case, that's just me. Otherwise, as I stated, I do like the overall feel of this poem, mainly because it's dark. And I love dark. *Smirk*

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there!

Thank you for sharing your work! I thought your story was very interesting, and certainly, you met the challenge of the prompt very well with the premise of your story. I thought the plot you created was very clever, and the writing was easy to follow. I was engaged in the story from beginning to end.

I did have a few issues with the plot, though. I think your basic premise is solid, but there were a few things I found difficult to believe, so for me, it detracted from the story. The main thing for me was the notion that the ten-year old daughter was the villain of the story, mainly because of the physical limitations that would be involved for a young child committing these kind of vile acts. Given that it was the daughter who killed the mother, I really just couldn't see a ten-year old managing to cut off the hands of a corpse. I would think it would just be too taxing for a child. Likewise, I couldn't fathom her being able to overtake the brother, put him in a chair. and then tie him up. It seemed like a stretch. I wonder, perhaps, if you couldn't reverse the roles of the characters of the story? Make the brother the villain and the girl the innocent. She could still invite him over to play tea, but it would be an invitation he was waiting for, an opportunity, and then the story could follow your plot guidelines as already created. That would be more believable to me.

In any case, these are just my opinions. I hope they were helpful, but please disregard anything you disagree with or you find unmerited.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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231
231
Review of " Anna's Dolls"  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there--

Thank you for sharing your work. Your poem was very interesting. Certainly, I liked the nature of your poem--the darkness of your narrative--and the plight of Anna and her dolls.

However, for me, I found the poem difficult to read. I think you have an overabundance of commas that are not being used correctly so for me, it interrupted the flow of your verse. Additionally, I think the rhyme scheme was a little erratic and inconsistent, if in fact, you were going for one.

My humble suggestion would be to reorganize your stanzas a bit, making the sentences a little longer in each so that you have a greater appearance of a narrative style poem, which is what your poem appears to be. For example:

You wrote:
All alone and with her
Dolls,
Anna stares upon her
Walls..

Late at night, she lies
In fear,
From the voices that
She hears.

My suggestion:

All alone and with her dolls,
Anna stares upon her walls
Late at night, she lies in fear,
From the voices that she hears.

I think that this would also help with the written presentation of your piece as well and make it more pleasing to the eye.

In any case, these are just my opinions. Please use or disregard them as you see fit. I think you have the makings of a great poem here, so I would like to wish you continued success with your writing!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Silent Night  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi there!

Wanted you to know that I really loved this litttle piece. For me, it was soft and melancholy, warm and bittersweet. I think what I liked most was how their loved still endured, despite the passage of time, and how Tim kept coming back year after year to wish a Merry Christmas to his beloved. It was not unlike a dream, where one is sometimes visited by their loved ones long-dead; they're no longer with you in life, but their essence stays with you long after their passing.

The writing of course, was spot-on; actually, I would say more so than usual because of the brevity of the piece. You really have to have a tight control of your pen to craft a story such as yours that will hold so much emotion, so good job there. I didn't see any errors in grammar, spelling, etc, so that's always a plus!

Thanks for the lovely late night read!
Elizabeth
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Review of Evan's Puzzle  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there--

Per our email conversation and the fact that this based on an assignment that you did for school about a bizarre youth tragedy, I'm changing my rating. Based on the prompt you had to follow, I think you did a great job!

Elizabeth John
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Review of I Shutter  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there!

Welcome to WDC! I noticed that you were new to the site so I wanted to drop by your port and give you a quick review!

Thank you for sharing your work! This was an amazing poem! The first stanza was so dark and gritty and visceral...and then there was the blow of the last stanza. It was much like you described: a kick in the stomach, a blow to the head and it really left me reeling...as intended, I'm sure.

Also, I wanted to say I thought you painted a pretty graphic picture of the emotional turmoil going on with the narrator, which I appreciated, becuase it allowed me to see and experience the trauma, as well as feel it, so great job there!

I didn't find anything wrong with the syntax, or any errors in spelling or punctuation either, so that's always good news! As a side note, I can't believe you don't remember writing this, is that true???? I don't think I'd forget something so raw....

In anyb case, great job with this. Continued success with your writing and welcome again to the site.


Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there!

Welcome to WDC! I noticed that you were new to the site so I wanted to drop by your port and give you a quick review!

Thank you for sharing your work! I thought that this was a very lovely poem. It ranf of both truth and strength, of someone in a battle of sorts to find his or her through the barrage of naysayers and detractors out to deter that person from their true path. I thought you expressed your message with conviction and certitude and even though it's a poem, it didn't feel like fiction, if you understand what I'm saying. It felt true, so kudos on that.

In terms of the writing, you do one or two errors so you may want to review your poem. In one line in particular, you wrote "plea" but it should be "plead".

In any case, I hope you find this helpful. Continued success with your writing endeavors!



Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Evan's Puzzle  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there!

Welcome to WDC! I noticed that you were new to the site so I wanted to drop by your port and give you a quick review!

Thank you for sharing your work! Your writing and your writing style is very good. I thought your story had great flow and great ease of readability. The errors that you did have in grammar, spelling or mechanics were only very few, nothing a quick read through wouldn't fix.

In terms of the plot, I had some problems with the plot. I appreciated the story of the sister wanting to help cure and save her brother; I thought in fact that this was very lovely and any who has known a loved one to be ill, especially with a terminal illness, surely could appreciate the sentiment and the emtion expressed. However, what I didn't believe and hard to fathom was the idea of a young girl, a minor, traveling halfway across the world to secure an experimental drug to cure her brother. I just couldn't see that happening. I also couldn't imagine that once they arrived at their destination, they could walk right up tothe research base, tell their story, and the authorities give them the drug just like that, no questions asked. It was really hard to believe. Lastly, when she discovers the death of her brother, I found it again difficult to fathom that she walked out of her house to kill herself, leaving her mother behind to mourn both her and her brother. I think that, to me, these are issues that you should really consider re-visiting. You have such a lovely premise here, and your skill with a pen is pretty strong, so I think you would do your service to fix it so that it seems more plausible. For example, perhaps the disccover the drug right there in Australia, and they're looking for test subjects? Then maybe the issue becomes to get Evan to the Institute or accepted into the program before its too late, something like that.

In any case, I hope this was helpful, but please feel free to disregard anything you don't agree with. These are only my opinions, nothing more. Continued succes with your writing.



Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of In death  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there!

Welcome to WDC! I noticed that you were new to the site so I wanted to drop by your port and give you a quick review!

Thank you for sharing your work! I loved this poem. I thought it was beautiful and a very telling expression of a wish that I think all writers aspire for. The wording was clear and concise, and I appreciated the meaning you were conveying.

I only have one critique, but take this as you will. It's just a thought.

In the last three lines of your poem, you wrote:

I create an illusion I can not live up to,
in death I shall be remembered,
as beautiful.

I think that because you set of the last sentence with a comma, it conflicts a little with the last two sentences. In my head, I envisioned it this way.

I create an illusion I can not live up to.
But rather in death,
remember me as beautiful.

Of course, this is just a suggestion. Take it or leave it as you will, no offense taken. Otherwise, good stuff! Keep up the good work and continued success with your writing!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
238
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there!

Welcome to WDC! I noticed that you were new to the site so I wanted to drop by your port and give you a quick review!

Thank you for sharing your work! This was an interesting poem. Certainly, I think any reader can appreciate the depth of emotion that you are trying to convey and can certainly relate. My only critique--and please, take this with a grain of salt--to perhaps try to shoot for more original or unique ways of expressing your love and affection for your beloved. Although I would admit that sometimes it can be difficult to find new ways to say "I love you", in the end I think it will make a more prominent statement for you and make your work stand out more.

In any case, thank you for sharing your work and welcome again to the site. Continued success with your writing and your future endeavors.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
239
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there!

Welcome to WDC! I noticed that you were new to the site so I thought I'd drop in and give you a quick review!

Thank you for sharing your work. This was an interesting piece of prose. I thought that within the short context of your piece, you were able to clearly to define a beginning, middle, and end to your piece. I always appreciate writers who can tell a story--a good story--with a low word count. I have such a hard time with that!

In any case, I think that plot was firm; it was kind of like a "minute in the day of a life" kind of a thing, like a snippet into someone's day. As such, I thought you were easily replicate the normalcy of a conversation that anyone could be having in the early hours of the morning before someone starts their day, so good job there.

In terms of critique, I would tell you that you have a couple of typos here and there that you may want to identify and correct, and there were two errors in particular that I wanted to mention: you set of your dialogue lines with apostrophes as opposed to quotations marks, and there was something a little weird here:

You wrote:
Then, returning home, I want to be on my own, it’s a personal thing dying I say. I want to play my favourite vinyl record on an old fashioned record player and sit back in my most comfortable chair. Then to close my eyes and slowly drift away.

This part is not tagged for dialogue, and yet, at one point, you have the expression "I say", which tells me the narrator is speaking as opposed to narrating. Perhaps something like this.

"Then, returning home," I say, "I want to be on my own. It’s a personal thing, dying is. I want to play my favourite vinyl record on an old fashioned record player and sit back in my most comfortable chair. Then close my eyes and slowly drift away."

I changed it a little bit, but something like that.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Again, welcome to the site and continued success with your writing endeavors.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
240
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Review of A Plain Life  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there!

Welcome to WDC! I noticed that you were new to the site so I thought I'd drop in and give you a quick review!

Thank you for sharing your work. This was a very good piece of prose. I enjoyed it very much, and I think you addressed something that a lot of people--certainly a lot of writers--can relate to. Sometimes people look at you one way, never knowing that you are something else entirely, never knowing that you are stronger, much stronger than they assume. I think this something that will resonate with any reader.

In any case, good job with this one. Take care, and again, welcome to WDC.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
241
241
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there!

Welcome to WDC! I saw that you were new to the site and I wanted to give you a quick review of your story!

Thank you for sharing your work! Your story was interesting, but I felt that it could use some more work. I wasn't sure what the point of the piece was. I understand that a young girl was daydreaming, and perhaps she liked to daydream constantly, but to what end? Is she escaping the realities of everyday life? Towards the end of your story, a comment is made that "a dream is only a dream until you fear it then it becomes your worst nightmare". I didn't understand this because I didn't see the truth of this statement manifest itself anywhere in the story. What was she dreaming about that became a nightmare for her? What was it that she feared? I was left with quite a few questions.

In terms of the writing, I think it is evident that you are making your way with your craft, but there were a few errors here or there in grammar or punctuation that you may want to revisit. In particular, there is a problem of tense shift within your story that can be jarring for the reader. In the beginning of your piece, the story starts in the present tense, but as it progresses (the second paragraph) it switches to the past tense. By the end of the story, it goes back to the present tense for a moment, then it ends with the past tense, so you may want to look at that and correct those issues accordingly.

In any case, I hope this has been helpful, but please feel free to disregard anything you disagree with, these are only my opinions, nothing more. Welcome again to WDC, and I hope you will continue to write and grow!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
242
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Review of I Miss You  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there!

Welcome to WDC! I saw that you are kind of new to the site, so I wanted to stop by and give you a quick review!

Thank you for sharing your work. I think this is a very nice poem. Certainly, I think any reader could appreciate the breadth of emotion that you are trying to express, and I'm sure we've all missed someone dearly at some point in our lives. As such, this is an easily relate-able topic that you have chosen to write about.

Thanks again for sharing your work!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
243
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Review of Him  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there!

Welcome to WDC! I saw that you were new to the site and I wanted to give you a quick review!

Thank you for sharing your work. You have a very interesting piece here. I liked the ambiguous nature of your character: "him". I liked trying to imagine who he was, why he was doing what he was doing, what he looked like, etc. I thought that was one of the best elements of your piece.

In terms of the writing, I would critique a few things. First, you have quite a few errors in punctuation and syntax that you may want to revisit because otherwise it's a little difficult to read. For example, you wrote:

“Like I said. I don't want to be here” “There's a reason for everything.” I looked at his light grey eyes. They're so friendly and inviting. They make you want to tell him everything. The others seemed cold and uncaring.

In order for the reader to better catch the flow of conversation, you need a new line for each person's dialogue. It should look like this:

“Like I said. I don't want to be here.”
“There's a reason for everything.”
I looked at his light grey eyes. They're so friendly and inviting. They make you want to tell him everything. The others seemed cold and uncaring.

By placing each line of dialogue on it's on line (as they are each separate and complete thoughts), the read has a better understanding of who is speaking. Additionally, a dialogue tag could be helpful, like this:

“Like I said. I don't want to be here.”
“There's a reason for everything,” he said.
I looked at his light grey eyes. They're so friendly and inviting. They make you want to tell him everything. The others seemed cold and uncaring.

Additionally, you also have some shifts in tense that you should review. For example, you wrote:

I looked at his light grey eyes. They're so friendly and inviting. They make you want to tell him everything. The others seemed cold and uncaring.

The first and last sentence of this little passage is in the past tense, but the second and third sentences are in the present tense. This can be jarring for the reader and make it difficult to read.

I hope this has been helpful, but please disregard anything you disagree with. In any case, welcome again to WDC. I hope you continue to write and grow here with us on the site!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
244
244
Review of Far Away  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi there!

Welcome to WDC! I saw that you were new to the site, so I thought I'd give you a quick review!

Thank you for sharing your work! This piece was very interesting. Certainly, you can tell there is a lot of emotion in your writing and I think anyone can relate to the passion that you want to convey, so that's good.

I do have a few critiques though that you may want to consider to help improve your writing, however, please know that these are only my opinions, so use them as you see fit.

First, I wondered about the format of your piece. It didn't really read like a short story, but I think that's the genre that I found it under. But as there is no plot or action or conflict or resolution, I wondered if this could be really considered a short story. To me, it felt more like a poem, and I think that you could easily break up the passage into stanzas without having to do much re-writing of your content.

In terms of the mechanics of your writing, I found that there were quite a few spelling and grammatical errors that can be a distraction for the reader. If you keep your piece how it is, I would suggest that you fix a lot of the errors, mostly spelling. However, if you were to turn it into a poem, I think you could get away with a few things, because poetry tends to be less rigid and constrictive. For example, you frequently wrote "u" instead of "you". In a story, I would suggest you spell it correctly. However, in a poem, I think you could get away with it. In any case, you may want to peruse it again, looking for typos, spelling and grammar errors.

Lastly, I don't know how long you have been a member, but you may want to very seriously regard the rating of your piece. You have some overt sexual content in your piece, and this site works very hard to ensure that content is rated accurately for the appropriate audience it is intended for. You have this rated as "E" for everyone, but as there are minors who do use and frequent this site, you may want to change the content rating to 18+. This site is great because it doesn't censor, but it does want to ensure and promote a safe, reading environment for all participants.

I hope this was helpful. Again, welcome to the site!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there!

Welcome to WDC! I saw that you were new to the site so I thought I'd give you a quick review!

Thank you for sharing your work. This was a very interesting piece. Certainly, there is a lot of emotion represented here in your piece, and that is of course commendable. I think any reader could relate to the emotion you present here when the lose a loved one--no matter how that loss occurs: via break-up, death, etc, so good job there.

My critique of your piece really comes in the form of a question: is this a letter you're writing? A note? It doesn't feel like a story per se although that's the genre that this piece fell under, so I'm curious. There was no plot or conflict or resolution, so that's why I'm asking. I think that this would be better presented in the style of a letter; I think you would get more bang for your buck as such. In any case, it's just a thought.

Anyway, thank you again for sharing your work. I hope this has been helpful, but please feel free to disregard anything within this review that you disagree with or you feel is unwarranted.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of A Mermaid's Tears  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there!

Thank you for sharing your work! This poem was absolutely lovely! I liked that you told an actual story in verse form. Especially one so romantic in nature. It was an absolutely refreshing read from the usual fare in terms of the structure and the content, and yet you were still able to keep and adhere to a concrete rhythm and rhyme scheme that I enjoyed very much. Additionally, the story itself that you crafted was absolutely brilliant. I thought the poem was filled with lots of concrete imagery and as such, it was very easy to visualize this couple at the beach, young and in love, enjoying their time together with tales of fantasy that help to reinforce their own love for one another.

Again, thank you for sharing your work. And congratulations on your win! It certainly was well-deserved!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of The Bell Tolls  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there!

You reviewed a story of mine yesterday and I wanted to return the favor!

Thank you for sharing your work, this was very interesting. By the words in bold, I gathered that you had to write a short piece using all of those words. If so, you certainly did a good job meeting the challenge of the prompt by finding a clever and creative way to incorporate all the elements into the story in a way that sounded natural. I thought you created a great little scenario, and the story had a clear beginning, middle, and end. It did keep my interest, which I would think is difficult to do with such a short word count, so that's good.

My only critique would be that there are some issues in presentation as well as punctuation and capitalization. There are some places where italics would be appropriate and make the passage easier to read. For example, you wrote:

I sat down, thinking this is going to be good!.

My suggestion:
The sentence should look like this:
I sat down thinking, This is going to be good!

In any case, thanks for the read and write on!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Concert for One  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there!

You placed a request for a review of this item on the review page, so I wanted to help out!

You wanted answers to these two questions: Is it vivid enough? How could the vision be enhanced?

I thought you did will to paint a vivid portrait of the scene unfolding before the young man who was observing the flute player. It wasn't hard at all to see the action as you described it, and you made great use of verbs that were both vivid and active so that the reader is easily able to "see" the scene as it unfolds. I also thought that it was a lovely concert that was being held for this inauspicious audience of one: a young boy plays the flute for a kitten. That was very sweet.

My only critique of your piece would be this: at one point, you begin to repeat a certain pattern, and it begins to wear on the ear a little. You said things like: his plump cheeks, his jeans, his slender arms, his chin, his childish fingers, etc. In such a short piece, these phrases are in very close proximity and it becomes a little repetitive. I would have changed a few things; for example, instead of "his jeans" perhaps you could say something like "The jeans he wore, rolled up to the knee, revealed....." It would help to break up that pattern somewhat.

I hope this was helpful!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there!

I know that this is the prompt for today's Writer's Cramp, and let me just say, I thought you did an awesome job meeting the challenge of the prompt, especially in verse! When I saw the prompt, all I could think was "Ugh!" Now I see your entry and I see the potential...albeit too late. Anyway, I think the best thing about this poem is the end, which I thought to a very noble turn and ended on a high, almost moral, note. I liked that very much; it was a lovely surprise at the end of this poem.

Not to be forgotten however, let me also mention the rhythm and the rhyming scheme: I thought they were both on point. Additionally, your wording was pretty strong, I thought. Helped to set a great tone.

Anyway, good job with this, and good luck tomorrow!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of The Hollow Keys  Open in new Window.
Review by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there--

You reviewed a story for me earlier this week and I wanted to return the favor!

Can I just say--WOW! In terms of the writing, this was beautifully written. You have great control of your pen, and it shows with every word, sentence, and paragraph. I thought your word choice was very concise but also very visual and descriptive, and I was easily able to see the action happening around me as I read. I especially thought the first paragraph was fantastic; this is important because it really gives the reader a reason to continue reading. It was like an invitation, and I was happy to receive it and keep reading.

In terms of the plot, I was intrigued, but I would say that I was left wanting a bit more. What happens to Lief? Is he now able to write stories for the Scribes? Is witnessing and being party to a horrific, ghoulish act of murder--however mystical--enough for him to become a success? Actually, my interpretation lead me to believe that ultimately, Lief would not write horror; in fact, I felt that he might well turn away from that genre altogether due to his trauma with this girl and her trials. The story ended a little too abruptly for me, and as I already indicated, I would have liked to read more. Certainly, there is room for further development, but this is just my opinion, of course.

In terms of errors in grammar, spelling and/or punctuation, I only saw two teeny, tiny errors:

You wrote:
“Yeah, I uh. I heard this place..."

My suggestion:
I would place elipses after the "uh". It would help manifest that sense dragging it out like in normal speech.

You wrote:
“Yes, I-. They’re fantastic.”

My suggestion:
I think the punctuation is a little off. I would put it like this:
“Yes, I---they’re fantastic.”

Otherwise, excellent work proofing your story.

Anyway, great work with this one. A lovely read.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

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