SpookySilverMoon's (dnadream) Reviews

Review Requests: ON

3,601 Public Reviews Given

4,178 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I look at the title, premise, overall structure first. Then I see how it makes me feel. After that, I might comment on little errors which are easily fixed.

I'm good at...

Hmm. Well you'd have to ask the one being reviewed what that be.

Favorite Genres

Paranormal, spy/detective, sci-fi, romantic suspense (hey I'm female and entitled). documentary, psychological and more.

Least Favorite Genres

Anything too gorey depending on how it's done. I don't need every little detail.

Favorite Item Types

First tell me what an item type is. haha

Least Favorite Item Types

An item has to make sense even if it uses fantasy ideas.

I will not review...

I don't like where some writer crammed six long chapters into one item area. I also don't like it if the paragraphs are so long you lose your place reading it. If you don't want me to lose interest and give up, break it up into sections and link it to the next exciting chapters. Nobody wants to sit through a detailed story for hours without a break.

1201

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#3419869

Review of Listening to my heart...

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi. I'm here to give you a review. Either I found your item on the review page, or am returning the favor because you gave me one. This is just one more way to thank you for your time and effort.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

INTRO: The title fits and is appropriate.
CONTENT: In this piece of poetry, the writer experiences the God presence within his heart, and it is as if God is calling on him to respond, and get to know him better. And it inspires him to share with others what he discovers.

FEEDBACK on imagery, punctuation, sentence structure, dialogue, formatting, etc.

I am not sure which kind of poetry this is. It has spacing but the lines are of uneven length. I wasn't sure there was a certain rhythm to it. Maybe it is prose, but either way, the message is written in words that anyone can understand.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I would have liked to have some visual images in this. (we do see the heart beating), and a vague description of the dawning of the day.

Maybe the person feels the warmth of the sun, sees the colors or shadows revealed in the sunrise and sunset, or the delicateness of a flower and through this sees God's essence. Each person sees and feels things in there own way. Some it flows gently and washes over them and possibly intensifies, and for others it might come on so strong that they are swept away by its brilliance.

The part of "being" is what interests me, as, for me, it shows rather than tells what a person is inside.

You are invited to a Dream Team monthly event "Dreamer's Sanctuary"

For your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3415593

Review of Locket

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Hi. I'm here to give you a review. Either I found your item on the review page, or am returning the favor because you gave me one. This is just one more way to thank you for your time and effort.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

INTRO: The title fits, and the story follows the prompt suggestions. I might have changed the title to The Locket. or even Paulette's Locket.

I had a heck of a time reading this because of the way it was crunched together, and I ended up copying and pasting it and opening it in word. then aded the needed line spacing.

EAch paragraph needs to have a line space between the last one.

Each separate character's dialogue needs to be treated like it's a paragraph and also have a lines space before and after it.

Don't put two character's dialogue together.

CONTENT: The story is abut a locket that someone buys, but is apparently haunted. I pretty much knew what was going to happen from the beginning. The progression of event's were predictable. I didn't feel the tension as much as I wanted even during the time of the haunting.

I would rework this to build up the tension more. Let obstacles stand in the way. The ghost seemed like she'd talked too much. I might have let the character find out more through some other character somehow. Think about how she might find out, even if she happens to come across the info by accident. Even when you write about the shopkeeper filling her in on the rest of it, I'd show dialogue. It feels more immediate. Anything important should be action or dialogue.

FEEDBACK on imagery, punctuation, sentence structure, dialogue, formatting, etc. There is much imagery in this. It is vivid. The descriptions are rich. It seems like Sylvia's house is haunted, rather than the locket is haunted. The build up about the house made me think something unique was going to happen. Well it did but it had nothing to do with the house.

Much of this story is told rather than shown. I wanted to see the character in action. I wanted to see Sylvia browse the gift store, I might have had her almost leave, but notice the locket on the floor, or somewhere else, pick it up and then ask about it. Then be fascinated by it.

And if she was that fascinated by it, would she really leave it behind? Maybe instead Whoever this character is found this locket, and Sylvia seeing that bought it for her friend. That would make more sense and give reason why she'd have it there after Sylvia left.

Details are everything. It can make or break a story. Showing what a character is doing in a story, helps make the character seem more real. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: Near the end it appears that the shopkeeper knew about it's wierdness so I'm not sure she'd sell it like that unless instead this was a pawn shop and there was something unique about it along with having a mystery surrounding it. Maybe it came inside something. A piece of furniture? Maybe it had fallen down inside a chair or couch or dawer in a desk bought at a consignment shop. The ideas are endless.

You have a good idea here but just need to hone in on it more. This could be developed into a much better story. Let me know if and whe you edit and revise it and I can look again.

Enjoyed the read anyway.
You are invited to a Dream Team monthly event "Dreamer's Sanctuary"

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#3415090

Review of Who's the boss?

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi. I'm here to give you a review. Either I found your item on the review page, or am returning the favor because you gave me one. This is just one more way to thank you for your time and effort.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

INTRO: The title fits and is appropriate. I would capitalize Boss. I cap all nouns in a title.
CONTENT: Ghosting around the high, shifting dunes, the two walked (notice where the comma is)

Judging by the words used, this place sounds like it's harsh.

In the third paragraph, I would alter some of the words. The sentences are similar near the end of it. Maybe >bedecked with stars, had to have froze the wretched thing's bones. (two things here..different words plus the ' in things..showing posession of the bones).

FEEDBACK on imagery, punctuation, sentence structure, dialogue, formatting, etc. Vivid.

When there is dialogue, there is no dialogue tag. We are wondering who is talking.
It needs a line space and be treated as a paragraph.
The sharp crack on the backside shocked him, but I think he might believe it's predictable.

The last line is not clear. I think a word was left out by accident. I would have said, "Who'd want to be a camel?"

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: This was an interesting little story told from a different point of view. I am not sure some readers will figure it out.

You are invited to a Dream Team monthly event "Dreamer's Sanctuary"

For your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3414998

Review of Halloween Meeting

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi. I'm here to give you a review, or maybe my version of a mini-port raid.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

INTRO: The title fits and is appropriate.
CONTENT: This story is about an attempt to bring back to life a man--a soldier who the character's aunt was in love with. The girl performs a ritual and succeeds in making the soldier materialize.

FEEDBACK on imagery, punctuation, sentence structure, dialogue, formatting, etc. Vivid.

For the most part, this looks pretty good. The first paragraph lets us now what day it is and why it is special. It is not spaced correctly and needs one line space between the paragraphs or needs to be part of the second one.

Details are everything. It can make or break a story. Showing what a character is doing in a story, helps make the character seem more real. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood.

There are some nice details in this, but I wanted it to be more spooky, and I felt like things happened too fast. I would have liked something in the environment that created a feeling...maybe a gust of wind, or some eerie yet somewhat distant sound. Fog or a mist would have been great. or even some animal that happens to cross her path, maybe an owl hoots..anything.

I wanted to hear her mumble some words ...just a few that trail off... like that. Just make up a simple rhyme and leave it dangling. We don't need to read all the wrods. Might include something about raising the soul.
I wasn't sure what the sugar skull was about or its importance.

Finally, she comes into the field on the hill (notice the comma placement.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: Although the premise of this story is intriguing, it doesn't feel fully developed. I didn't see the point in bringing this man back to life, just for curiosity? It needs some friction in it. Otherwise this is just a ritual.

I would have given the girl some purpose. Maybe she is wondering about her own heritage. What if there are family secrets? What if later on it becomes evident (when a matching birthmark or something is revealed) that they are more related than they think. This could be extended into a much longer story, which would answer those questions. AS it is, I don't see that it does. They have no conversation, plus at some point, the point of view character changed and the transition is very rough.

How you do that is stop what the one character is doing. drop down three lines, then show the new character doing something, and then follow that with dialogue if possible.
Always change paragraphs when its either another character dialogue or even point of view.

You are invited to a Dream Team monthly event "Dreamer's Sanctuary"

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#3414729

Review of What Thanksgiving Means To Me

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi. I'm here to give you a review, or maybe my version of a mini-port raid.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

INTRO: The title fits and is appropriate.
CONTENT: Nice job on the rhyme plus I like the way the words line up. EAch line has such meaning too.

FEEDBACK on imagery, punctuation, sentence structure, dialogue, formatting, etc. Vivid. We see the people together but hes alone and feel his sadness but then he goes out and helps others and sees a smiling lovely face.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: Good job on this.

You are invited to a Dream Team monthly event "Dreamer's Sanctuary"

For your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3412715

Review of Hanging in the Balance

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. I'm here to give you a review, or maybe my version of a mini-port raid.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

INTRO: The title fits and is appropriate.
CONTENT: Two women have a relationship and decide to get married. At first, everything they experience together makes them more than happy. They are so in love. At some point in time, something has happened, and now little irritations set in. The premise is good.
FEEDBACK on imagery, punctuation, sentence structure, dialogue, formatting, etc. Vivid. We see articles around their home and also what it means when one of them look at them. Mood is revealed in this.
Details are everything. It can make or break a story.

The names feel too similar. And it ends up confusing as to who is remembering or feeling what.
I liked the build up of tension as little irritations cause them to snap at each other, yet I feel there is an underlying reason why it happens, but isn't revealed. The lost toothbrush is not enough to make someone want to leave.

There seems to be a back and forth time sequence going on often, and the transitions are rough. I would make this more clear.
I would give a better reason for the one woman wanting to leave.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: The dialogue was written right. This story just needs to be a bit clearer and have more reason for this breakup. It's good that you showed them happy at first, so that readers can know them before any trouble happens.

Please let me know if you edit and revise this item so I can come back and re-evaluate it.

You are invited to a Dream Team monthly event "Dreamer's Sanctuary"

For your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3411870

Review of An Arresting Moment

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello. I'm here to give you a review. Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

CONTENT:TITLE: Title fits and is appropriate

CONTENT: Two cops end up doing a scene for the Tact team, but at least one person is in for a surprise.

There is some good imagery in this-- the cool walls etc.

Sentence Structure: fine, good rhythm
No obvious errors
This has dialogue and it's done well. We know who is talking and feelings are revealed in the words.
This was a rather a short story, more like a scene. It does have some tension in it as we're not sure, at first, what is happening and why.

For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.

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#3411496

Review of Love

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Just me flying by to give you a review.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

CONTENT: Nice free verse poem about the beginning of of love. The feeling is both soothing and scary at the same time.

Feedback on imagery, dialogue, sentence structure, format etc:
Format looks okay. The writer expresses the feeling of the sound of his voice as it travels down her spine. I'm not sure why it triggers pain though. I would think an ache maybe.

you wrote> as I pace foward. but I think you meant as I pace forward.
you need a space between still and stiff, and you're missing a comma after stiff.

OTHER COMMENTS: Love can be difficult to describe, plus maybe it depends on when you are feeling it and with who. I would expand on these feelings more. Thanks for sharing.

You are invited to an event held monthly. "Dreamer's Sanctuary"
For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3410917

Review of Hearts So Big

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello. You gave me a review and I like to return the favor.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

INTRO: At first I wasn't sure about the title, because I think you meant to write Big rather than Bib.

CONTENT: This poem has a nice rhythm to it. The words rhyme and for the most part feels right.

Feedback on imagery, format etc:
I like how it is spaced out. It makes it easier to read.

There is a diaper mentioned in this and so we assume it is a child. Then we see a child five years old. I'm not sure if this is another child or the same one.

The last lines on this makes it a mystery about what ist he devil in the details. It almost sounds sinister somehow.

OTHER COMMENTS: I would add more details or change the words some to include more.

Let me know if you edit/revise this and I can look at it again. Thanks for sharing.

You are invited to an event held monthly. "Dreamer's Sanctuary"
For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

1210

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#3410348

Review of Happy Birthday

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello again, Fyn. It's time to do the reviews for our contestants in the October Inspiration Station contest. This is in no way a reflection nor a decision about the winner, who is not selected yet.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

CONTENT: The story unfolds for us as we see that it's birthday time and in this era or place it means a decision must be made about whether or not they get to live out their lives with more years or whether it is their time to cease to exist.

I liked how it has been explained. We get an overall view of the system and how it works. We see the group of people standing in line almost like a "checkout" line at the grocery store. It is a "checkout" line in a sense.

Feedback on imagery, dialogue, sentence structure, format etc: This is written in first person, which is often quite difficult for some writers to do, yet you do it quite well.

I liked how you used the word "metronome", with its non-stop tempo of ticking sound. It is quite appropriate.

Your wording in this piece is very clear and the reader can undrestand everything. (<unlike my typos).

WE see the loss of this man's wife as he holds her in his arms. And now he's prepared for whatever is about to happen.

I liked how every now and then we see the time tick by and we're getting even closer to the final minutes. The tension keeps building. And we keep hearing the character's thoughts, which are about what he might have done, yet he has very few regrets. In this way, we get to know the character even more to see what he is like before this.

Do I continue talking or go silent?
He is not really talking. He is thinking.

Attention! All Natal Day chosen will black out in ...
I would indicate this is heard over a loud speaker.

OTHER COMMENTS: This was a fantastic story and it feels futuristic and SCIFI. It's almost eerie in that it reminds me of that movie called "Soylent Green", where everyone goes to die in this room, but what they don't know is what will happen to them afterward.

You did a good job on this overall. I might have liked to see him talking to someone, them talking to him. I like dialogue.

I will be posting the October winner later this week.

You are invited to an event held monthly. "Dreamer's Sanctuary"
For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3410103

Review of Panic Switch Misery

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. This is review #2 for your treat in the Trick or treat event. As I explained before, I didn't expect this, but here I am.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

TITLE: Seems Appropriate

CONTENT: The character feels as if he is in hell. And we see what he or she sees while there. The story reveals what hell might look like.

Feedback on imagery, sentence structure, format etc: This is formatted fine. In other words, it looks neat on the item page.

What bothered me was that it was a lot of telling rather than showing. I wanted some dialogue, even if brief.

There is also a need for commas in some places like where there is an introductory clause.

OTHER COMMENTS: A smokey shadow could be a smoke screen. If it's tranluscent then maybe the person could see through it to the other side and see something behind it.

IN your description about how the character feels, I wouldn't mention the emotion but show it instead.

You are invited to an event held monthly. "Dreamer's Sanctuary"
For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

1212

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#3410097

Review of ZZYZX Rd.

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Just me flying by to give you a review or my version of a mini-port raid.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

CONTENT: This item made me choose it to review because of the name. I am not familiar with this song, but I know exactly where this road is, which is on the way to Las Vegas. I always thought it was an odd name.

Feedback on imagery, sentence structure, format etc:
The poem fits well on the page.

OTHER COMMENTS: I don't know a whole lot about poetry or music writing. so I am not sure how to improve it. It seems just right the way it is.

You are invited to an event held monthly. "Dreamer's Sanctuary"
For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

1213

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#3408405

Review of TODAY AND EVERMORE 15 lines

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Just me flying by to give you a review or my version of a mini-port raid.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

TITLE: Appropriate

CONTENT: As usual, you write so beautifully. Your work speaks of love and longing and of lovely things.

Feedback on imagery, sentence structure, format etc:

It speaks of fear inside her heart, and the holding of his hand (touch) makes her feel safe today and evermore.

It warms her heart and resonates into her soul. And there is the search within her eyes so that he might seal this promise of forever.

I liked the use of sense in this. We read about the hands (feel) and the eyes (sight) I might have liked more of this same thing. maybe the scent and taste such as during the kiss.

OTHER COMMENTS:

You are invited to an event held monthly. "Dreamer's Sanctuary"
For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

1214

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#3408399

Review of Prophet's Disguise

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Just me flying by to give you a review, or my version of a mini-port raid.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

TITLE: It fits.
CONTENT: Wow. You astound me. I love this item. I've thought about this too. I like the examples you gave and how a mere child saw this man as Jesus. IN his eyes, he was.

FEEDBACK on imagery, punctuation, sentence structure, dialogue, formatting, etc.
Everything looks fine including the format.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I can only imagine what would happen if Jesus was on earth right now. I'm thinking that you're right about it could go either way, either he'd be worshiped or rejected. And in extreme either way. He might even be considered insane.

Another idea comes to me often too and it is that if a person believes another is like Jesus, would that person become like Jesus because he or she believed in him or her? Or would the person already be and just needed some encouragement to show others those qualities?

Good job on these as usual. Keep on.

You are invited to a Dream Team monthly event "Dreamer's Sanctuary"

For your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3408392

Review of Into the Fog

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Just me flying by to give you a review or my version of a mini-port raid.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

TITLE: Appropriate

CONTENT: I liked how this was presetned. It's short but we get a visual of the fog.

Feedback on imagery, dialogue, sentence structure, format etc: It is almost like a blanket. I've seen this in Big Basin State Park when the fog rolls in and settles within the trees and creates an atmosphere that is not quite eerie but could be depending on the mood of the people within it. or it can be comforting. It has a sense of quiet where each little sound is heard within the silence.

OTHER COMMENTS: What makes this more personal is the want of the person to share it with another. Moments of theirs spent alone unhurried.

Nice job on this.

You are invited to an event held monthly. "Dreamer's Sanctuary"
For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

1216

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#3408389

Review of One Friendly Smile

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Just me flying by to give you a review or my version of a mini-port raid.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

TITLE: Appropriate

CONTENT: This item is about how one smile, one kind interaction can mean so much in a world so full of misunderstandings and yes, even bullying.

Feedback on imagery, sentence structure, format etc:
Poetic format looks good on the page.
I might have used italics for the boys thoughts.
I'm not sure what I would add to this, if anything.

OTHER COMMENTS: Nowadays, it's not just bullying at the childhood level, but even at adult level and so often that escalates into grudges and fights. If each person could walk int he other person's shoes, they might be more understanding, I would think, yet maybe that's not entirely true. I don't know. I would hope it is true otherwise it doesn't matter what someone does or doesn't do, it can be twisted around and becoame a weapon.

Good job on this.

You are invited to an event held monthly. "Dreamer's Sanctuary"
For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

1217

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#3407034

Review of Thought

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Just me flying by to give you a review.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

TITLE: It fits.
CONTENT: Gentle poem of thoughts. It has some nice rhyme going on.

FEEDBACK on imagery, punctuation, sentence structure, formatting, etc.
There is some imagery in this piece revealing a love that is gone, yet not so much in memory. IN fact, it teases and torments the person, yet there is hope too.

Formatting looks fine. Although it is rather short, this reflects the person's feelings.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: Nice job on this. Keep writing.

You are invited to a Dream Team monthly event "Dreamer's Sanctuary"

For your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3407032

Review of The Tiger’s Aim

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Just me flying by to give you a review.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

TITLE: Appropriate

CONTENT: This is a quick paced piece of poetry, which for me I thought it was passion being expressed. Nice rhyme going on.

Feedback on imagery, sentence structure, format etc: there is much imagery in this even with so few words. The similarity to animals enrich it.
The format works well and looks good.

I think bear should be bare.
I'm not sure why there is the stripes and the colors, unless it's his shirt.

OTHER COMMENTS:

You are invited to an event held monthly. "Dreamer's Sanctuary"
For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

1219

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#3405801

Review of The Unpaved Road

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Just me flying by to give you a review, or my version of a mini-port raid.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

TITLE: Fits the content.
CONTENT: WE see a story unfolding as we read this poetry. The character is working at a job, yet he is tired or it. He has passions that he wishes to make come true, yet his fears hold him back and so he hesitates and wonders when he can and will move ahead and follow his heart's desires.

Not just that, but he wonders if his dreams are realistic or just something else.

FEEDBACK on imagery, punctuation, sentence structure, dialogue, or formatting, etc. This needs reformatting. The groups of sentences need to be split up about ever four or five sentences insert a line space.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS:
This could have used more imagery, but at least we see the piece of paper, the flame flickers.

For your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.

** Image ID #1703786 Unavailable **

1220

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#3405798

Review of The Cowboy

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

So sorry but I hit send by mistake. I wanted to say I really liked this poem. It feels real and there is a consistancy to it that reveals images of this cowboy as he does what cowboys do.

It has a country flair to it within the way the words are set out.Plus we see the landscape and a vague image of him.

1221

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#3405796

Review of Thinking About You

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (3.0)

OOps sorry about that last confusing review. I had a template up and didn't realize I had skipped past it . Ignore those areas that don't make a bit of sense. It has nothing to do with you as you can tell. It was major points that I sometimes use in reviews.

1222

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#3405795

Review of Thinking About You

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Just me flying by to give you a review.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

TITLE: It fits.
CONTENT: This story is about a man who misses his wife, who has died. He misses her so much that his grief is overwhelming, yet he can imagine that she's still there with him. He keeps her alive in his heart because he can visualize her, yet he still misses her touch.

Everything that surrounds him is about her and his life feels less meaningful, yet he has hope that they will be together through God's will. Without this hope he would be lost, as she is his everything.

He has memories of their togetherness, which bring him joy. Still he wishes for at least one kiss, and he promises to forget all his troubles.
There is much imagery and the descriptions are vivid.

Needs more details. I would embellish this with details. What is the character doing as he speaks? Does he touch anything? What does it feel like? What does something he stares at look like? Does he have any facial expressions?

Sentence Structure is good and has a nice rhythm.
Choppy __Confusing Needs Variation. And needs restructuring.
This item is interesting and the reader feels she has to keep reading to find out what happens next.

There are no punctuation errors except those noted.

There is some dialogue and it's done well. We can tell what characters are saying to who.

SUGGESTIONS:
Try not to repeat the same idea. but if you do then change the wording. There are many sentences starting with I. change them so it shows you doing something.

as in
I remember the night of our marriage>

maybe change it to> The night we were wed, there you were--my bride. (oh and if you say she was beautiful. then don't say she was attractive. They are both too much alike. You could say> not only becoming, but breathtakingly beautiful to me.

OTHER COMMENTS: This isn't bad. You are expressing your feelings and that's important. You can always edit and revise this more. Let me know if you do.

For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.

** Image ID #1703786 Unavailable **

1223

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#3405787

Review of Disillusion

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Just me flying by to give you a review or my version of a mini-port raid.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

CONTENT:
This poem has a nice rhyme to it. The last stanza is rough, but it also doesn't make sense, How can someone be false and true.

[c:plum}SUGGESTIONS: I can see that you are trying, but I think you could do much better. I am not sure what you are trying to do here, unless you mean it's a facade...this out look on life. the cold blue eyes ..he's seen them cry, yet further on no storm which ever could break through. There are a lot of conflicting things in this item so for me it is not making enough sense.

OTHER COMMENTS: Let me know if you edit and revise this and I can give it a nother look.
For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.

1224

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#3405780

Review of Note to Self: I miss you terribly.

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Just me flying by to give you a review.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

TITLE: Appropriate

CONTENT: This item is lacking, yet this might be the author's purpose. We get lead into an environment where we see the storm and its effects on the character/person.

We are right there with the character as he observes the storm outside his window. The use of the word grandeur suggests that the character enjoys the storms, yet he wants to close the window because of the sound of the crash. I would think he'd welcome it.

It mentions that he can't place this place home. Those feel like they are opposites. If not, then why does he feel this way?

Imagery: There is some nice and vivid images going on here.
Sentence Structure: fine
Punctuation: Fine
There is at least one comma errro.

For as long as I can remember, ...

Thre is a sharp transition from his room to his driving around. There needs to be a blank space to indicate a change of time or place.

There is no dialogue.

SUGGESTIONS: Where it says> As everyone else was falligng asleep, I spent an hour driving down some obscure highway. (notice the comma and the period).

I would indicate a time Here is an example like maybe> Just a half an hour ago, while everyone was falling asleep, I spent an hour driving...

Every minute I spent watching the beads rund own the sides of my car, brought...
It is a bizarre state of mind. I finally turned toward the door and felt more introverted and inspired than I have in quite some time. (notice how I split this sentence up, and leave out as).

shielded my eyes doesn't sound right. I would change that to shield my eyes.

The way this sounds as if the person suffers from ADD or is extremely tired or distracted by something or for some other reason.

Teh one good thing is we see a change which builds tension as the person gets inspired, yet he is not able to retain it long enough to use it. I would give the person a real reason why he isn't recalling it.

This item doesn't feel complete.

OTHER COMMENTS: This already has its components for a short story, yet it needs a little editing and revising to make it more complete.

Let me know if you do edit and revise and I can take another look.
For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.

1225

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#3405320

Review of Seeking Love in All of the Wrong Places

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Just me flying by to give you a review or my version of a mini-port raid.

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

CONTENT: I like the scripture at the beginning. From the begining we see the person in an unusual place and wonder why.

Much of this is symbolic and more complex and at first I had a hard to following it, but after a while I saw it change into a real life situation.

This place described in the dark might be scary to most, until they sat in the quiet and realized there was nothing there to worry about. It was a safe place. It starts feeling like a surreal place, but later becomes more real.

There is also the meeting with Him, which is interesting in hypothetical content. It is a reality of faith in the flesh, yet not. It encompasses all those lovely things having to do with love, faith, trust etc. She'd been violated and so moving forward is a big step for her, yet she hesitates, she follows through and bravely confronts whatever is beyond the door.

I like how there were several words used as the names of the other "members". I also liked seeing a change from the predictable to the more unpredictable, plus as the character nears the area where he or she might leave, the tension increases. Just on the other side she experiences all the wonderful things she'd longed for. In real life, she was at the mercy of adults taking advantage of her, plus those others not believeing in her. It seems to be the way things happen and so this piece feels real.

The spacing on this really takes a way from the piece and it needs to be revised so there is less line spacing . Also there is too much story on this one item. It needs to be split up in maybe 1-2 chapters each, then at the bottom, provide a link to the next sections.

It is an interesting way of writing and the visuals stimulate the mind as we try to figure out this puzzle. This was an enjoyable segment and psychological, yet written in words almost anyone could understand.

SUGGESTIONS:Further on we get into the real issue about the ...okay I won't say it here so that they might read it and figure it out. This piece didn't really have dialogue nor did we get into the character thoughts, and I felt that it would enhance this piece ir she draws near.

OTHER COMMENTS: The part about the uncle and cousins doing those things seems so real. I can imagine it, and I realize these types of things are rather delicate to talk about, yet you have bravely done so.

Family members often do not speak up and avoid the truth but then that causes lifelong damage to the victim (sorry couldn't think of another name). Trust has been broken, yet even if this person rationalizes things, it still ends up rearing it's ugly head again, when you least expect it. And it's odd how even if you end up shoving it down, sooner or later it rises, and then those that can't ignore it any longer, either start understanding or have preconcieved ideas about it all, and the child/woman feels this subconciously, and it effects everything that she is involved with, in one way or another. It seems that it attaches itself even when you have forgotten it, or wish you could alienate yourself from it. This is how people cope. They fear and reject things they don't understand, and once they do recognize and understand what they fear, it tends to lose its strength.

For something brought to you in a different way, and offering a understanding about certain human conditions, I would recommend this item. There are some descriptions that are more candid than what someone might want to read, but it's very clear what happened.

It needs a little editing/revising and clarifying in some areas, but that's the way most items are after we first write it and even edit it a few times. I would love to give this a 4.5 or even a 5, but I feel it needs a little further edit/revise. Thanks for sharing.

For for your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a rating level.