Hi Cassandra Roberts,
I happened to view your port and found this.
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| Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest. |
 Please click here and read what I consider during a review.
| Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery. |
Format: You used a lot of white space on this and for the most part, it works to your advantage, but too much of it takes away from the work. I'd lessen some of the line spacing between the paragraphs.
Sentence structure: good.
Balance: We get some exposition in this, and some dialogue. The dialogue really brings action into this piece.
You wrote: No one had ever seen a great beast like this before.
There is nothing wrong with this sentence, but it feels much like telling rather than showing.Maybe one of the knights or soldiers could say something indicating this unusual event.
I think you could have heightened the suspense more if you didn't say what it was yet. It continues to raise tension if you hold off at least up to here.
And then>
The great beast, was taller than the trees, and with its bat-like wings, thrashed up and down, creating small tornados thoughout the kingdom. Its powerful, scaly, muscular body swooped down on the knights. Bravely they fought. Their blades clashed against the mighty beast, and one by one broke. Not one of them punctured the belly of the beast.
In one swift moment, the beast grasped onto one of the knights, flew high above Kohtalo, and circled around before departing into the sunrise.
Flow: Things happen in a logical way, yet this could use some revision in order to make it more concise.
Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here
Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality. |
There is some good imagery in this but it could use a bit more. I want to see what its like in the throne room. Maybe it's the gleam of his crown or the rich color or his robes. We aren't even sure what he looks like. Does he have a kind face? is it tired looking? Is the curve of his mouth gentle or ?
Done well, dialogue advances the story and fleshes out the characters while providing a break from straight exposition. Click here for guidelines.
1) Remember to break up dialogue, with physical details.
2) Dialogue must have its own paragraph, but exposition can continue. Don't overdo dialogue tags such as he said/she said.
3) Avoid stereotypes, profanity, and slang as this can alienate your reader.
4) Punctuate correctly.
By using these guidelines, it is easy to fix any problems that someone might find in your item. |
The dialogue in this enhances the story and reveals to the reader what the characters are like. When the knights address the king, they did not address him properly..my liege or Your Majesty.
The brown haired woman did though and it felt more real.
“What is the damage?” King Elroy asked, as he sat upon his throne. (no need for "his knights. its presumed) Actually this would be better showing him on the throne rather than using as he sat. What about:
King Elroy's hand curled around the arm of his chair. "What is the damage?"
A knight with curly blond hair stepped forward, bowed his head and said, "The lower town is still in flames, sire.
"Good, and ?"
"We managed to smother the flames in the upper town.” (dont forget to put the proper punctuation. You forgot the period.)
“If we don't destroy this beast soon, the whole kingdom could burn to the ground.”
(To close this part of the scene, I would have the king call for a meeting, then the knight/s respond with something like, "As you wish, Sire." (whichever salutation you prefer)
More:
The knights bowed their heads in respect and backed away. A shadow appeared near the entrance and stepped forward. A young woman, with long brown hair, swept past the knights, as they left the throne room. Her hair tumbled over the edge of her cape and around her. The light tapping of her boots as she walked, made her presence more obvious.
The king looked up. "Who goes there?"
(when she responds, I'd let her speak, but then pause and have him look at her curiously. Then let her continue.
Also put her actions with her dialogue. And put his actions with his. Not combined.
Remember:
action
response
and also possibly internalizing. (What do these characters think and feel? Can we see at least someone's point of view?)
You have told us that the king will do anything to be rid of the beast, but still that is telling. We already know that , but he could say something or even think it. No. maybe it's not a good idea to get into his head unless this is his story.) I can't tell whos point of view we are in. I wanted to know these main characters more. WE do see that she's brave, and obviously good with a sword but we still don't know that much about her otherwise.
Add some details..like when the children peek through the windows. Are there noses pressed against the glass? Are they shoving each other aside to get a better look? The people dining is generalized. I want to see our characters pick something up, a drink or food or untensil or how they eat. Anything. It places them more firmly in the scene.
Soon we see Saphira removing her cape. You start to get into his POV when you mention that he never saw anything like her armour. We wouldn't know that here if we aren't in his POV. BUT then you say that she noticed. Have her look but if we're not in her POV don't have her process it in her mind. You might fix the change of POV problem by merely adding as if he never saw anything like it. That would then be her assuming it.
You've used many dialogue tags and it's not necessary. During a dialogue scene, you usually only have to use a dialogue tag once or twice even. Then if you need to show who's talking, show it with an action. let the character do something, touch, smell, hear, look. Otherwise the tags detracts from this piece. Saying something was expressed just doesn't read write.
to sit on isn't necessary. If he pulls out a chair we know what thats for. and then we see her sit down.
Reader knows they've never seen her before and so do they. Just let them look at her suspiciously, and someone can inquire why she is there.
typo : “The king has accepted her help in ridding Kohtalo of the beast. The beast is in fact a dragon. We would not have known what it was if it wasn’t for her,” Gwilym answered. (next the knight apologizes etc. put his actions on a seperate paragraph by itself.)
After they eat, or even during, let these two characters chat some. Give us a hint ...just a glimmer of how these two will interact, And when the beast reappears, show at least one of them tensing up. (remember the senses) People react, and then fight or flight.
A natural reaction to the answer to his question would be "what good would that do?"
Then she answers that they can now find the dragon's lair etc.
I don't think the knight would beg. He might say, "I'm going with you."
She might balk at least a little, but then give in. What she does says seems a bit haughty. Yet I see where you're going for. I can't think of a better way either.
About this tail, wouldn't it be bloody? Would it be warm or cold? Does she have gloves on? Maybe it's in a burlap bag so she doesn't actually touch it. The spinning makes me think of a board game or spin the bottle. Maybe it vibrates or glows?
use the word weapon and then sword so it doesn't sound repetition.
You use the word "as" a lot. You might want to revise some of those sentences.
If the slime paralyzes, can they somehow use that to their advantage during pursuit of the dragon?
This could use more tension, so someone could almost get hurt yet this slime could temporarily paralyze the dragon.
and this allows him to save her life, and she would want to return the favor or feel indebted to him.
SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I enjoyed reading this tale and you were able to use dialogue, and interaction. With a bit of editing this will be even better. I hope this review has helped a little. Thanks for the read. And please drop by our review room (link provided on the image) should you ever need help with this or anything else.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"  .
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