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SpookySilverMoon

Review Requests: ON

3,601 Public Reviews Given

4,178 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I look at the title, premise, overall structure first. Then I see how it makes me feel. After that, I might comment on little errors which are easily fixed.

I'm good at...

Hmm. Well you'd have to ask the one being reviewed what that be.

Favorite Genres

Paranormal, spy/detective, sci-fi, romantic suspense (hey I'm female and entitled). documentary, psychological and more.

Least Favorite Genres

Anything too gorey depending on how it's done. I don't need every little detail.

Favorite Item Types

First tell me what an item type is. haha

Least Favorite Item Types

An item has to make sense even if it uses fantasy ideas.

I will not review...

I don't like where some writer crammed six long chapters into one item area. I also don't like it if the paragraphs are so long you lose your place reading it. If you don't want me to lose interest and give up, break it up into sections and link it to the next exciting chapters. Nobody wants to sit through a detailed story for hours without a break.

Public Reviews

< ... 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 ... >

1126

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3523273

Review of Chapter 1: Intro Meet The Author

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi 4Wheels,
I found your item on your port after you asked for a review. Thanks for requesting.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Here are a few suggestions:
I would capitalize Cerebral Palsy (because it is a proper noun).

Instead of using the number 6 and 3 write it out as six and three. Write almost any number rather than using numerals.

You often use an instead of and, And is the correct form of the word.

my sweet sister, Tricia, the one I know and love... (needed a comma to set it off)

Also it gets confusing when you mention one sister and then another. I would mention the other sister in a different paragraph so we might figure out it is another sister or mention that she's older or younger than you or even how she looks.

shure is spelled sure.

There are some comma errors in this. Read your work out loud, and whereever you hear a pause, put in a comma.
Capitalize Star Trek and Trekkie.
si-fi should be Sci-Fi
Remember to capitalize any proper nouns. They are specific names.
I found several places where things are misspelled. You might want to run your spell checker to find any errors.

Tirers is spelled wrong. Tires.
Reget ..did you mean regret?
dose should be does
philippines should be Philippines
Usually god is written with a capital unless it's not a specific god.
Newby should be newbie I think.
Fallow ...did you mean follow?

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.

Done well, dialogue advances the story and fleshes out the characters while providing a break from straight exposition. Click here for guidelines.

1) Remember to break up dialogue, with physical details.
2) Dialogue must have its own paragraph, but exposition can continue. Don't overdo dialogue tags such as he said/she said.
3) Avoid stereotypes, profanity, and slang as this can alienate your reader.
4) Punctuate correctly.
By using these guidelines, it is easy to fix any problems that someone might find in your item.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: To be honest, I have never reviewed an autobiography, and I'm not sure how to critique it the correct way. I only noticed what didn't look right, but since this is not fiction, I wouldn't review it the same way as a regular story.
You might want to include little scenes in your story to show you interacting with others. It adds interest plus you can reveal what it's like wherever it is happening.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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1127

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3523253

Review of Crawdads, Catfish, Corn and Carp

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Whisper,
I found your item on your port after you posted the link. Thanks for doing that and also for askign for this review. I'm honored to do that.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Format; fairly good, except if a paragraph is too long it becomes more difficult to read. I have suggested a few things later on in this and that would correct this error.
Flow: good. There is a natural order of events.
Punctuation good. Although, I might have used I instead of me in that first line.
Descriptions: The imagery in this really enhances this story.
I felt like I was there when the brother chased her with the water snake.

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.

There is plenty of imagery in this. We almost feel as if we are there.

Done well, dialogue advances the story and fleshes out the characters while providing a break from straight exposition. Click here for guidelines.

1) Remember to break up dialogue, with physical details.
2) Dialogue must have its own paragraph, but exposition can continue. Don't overdo dialogue tags such as he said/she said.
3) Avoid stereotypes, profanity, and slang as this can alienate your reader.
4) Punctuate correctly.
By using these guidelines, it is easy to fix any problems that someone might find in your item.

Looks pretty good. Just be sure and keep each person's dialogue seperate from the other and also give it a paragraph by itself. Keep the actions of the character speaking with his dialogue or even the crowd shouting.

On places like this: My older brother Greg
It should be: My older brother, Greg,

I totally liked how you used short sentences when you needed action. That really made it stand out from the rest. You could almost feel the excitement when something was being caught.

I also liked how you showed thoughts.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I felt that after you wrote the setting part, there was a bit more telling rather than showing. I wanted to actually be in the scene by watching these people interact.

One other thing I might suggest is to seperate each event by way of transition points. When you change location or indicate time passing, line space more than once then write the rest. You could even use subtitles or dates or months to suggest any change or just do it with your wording.

Overall, you did a good job on this and those little things can be fixed easily. I enjoyed reading it and I almost wished I was there to feel the water and sunshine but also the fun times. Thanks for the read. I hope this review has been helpful. Let me know if you want me to look at it again at any time.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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1128

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3523243

Review of Reputation

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi tanyasen,
I found your item on your port, after a request from you. Thank you for asking. I am honored to review your item.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Format: good
Imagery: good
Flow: The story has a natural rhythm so that things happen in a way that seems real.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I liked that you built tension by showing three steps, then two, then one. So that we would see what happens after that. The other character seems vane or arrogant, as if the person is a prize of some sort.
At the mention of twin, I stuttered a little because I wasn't sure why that was there.

I also thought it was a policewoman.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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1129

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3521532

Review of The Dead Letter

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Laim,
I found another one.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Format: good
Flow: good
Sentence structure and rhythm: fine.

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.

I think this could use more imagery. We got some but this could be enhanced even more by use of it. Maybe it could show who Mr. Ferguson is instead of telling us. TRy to create a scene where maybe during mail delivery, someone speaks to him even briefly. You can also have him catch sight of his own reflection along the way. Maybe his uniform is blue and his hat is unique (if he has one) but what tells us who he is might be the patch on his clothing. I forget what mailmen have on their clothing.

Done well, dialogue advances the story and fleshes out the characters while providing a break from straight exposition. Click here for guidelines.

1) Remember to break up dialogue, with physical details.
2) Dialogue must have its own paragraph, but exposition can continue. Don't overdo dialogue tags such as he said/she said.
3) Avoid stereotypes, profanity, and slang as this can alienate your reader.
4) Punctuate correctly.
By using these guidelines, it is easy to fix any problems that someone might find in your item.
I'd make use of some dialogue to reveal who this person is. It is far better to show than to tell us.

As you know, I love dialogue, and this has some in it.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I liked the idea about this late letter. I had this idea once and wasn't sure where I wanted it to go. This raises a question as to what the letter might be about and how it came to this point in time and how it changes the person's life who recieves it. It also has potential to reveal what happened to the person who sent it. Id' enlarge on this idea.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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1130

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14 days may be credited.

#3521521

Review of The Mask of Sanity

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Darkness,
I found another of your items.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Instead of saying a lone woman, I'd use her name. You gave him one.

Format: I would break this up into more paragraphs. You have a place to do that in transition where "twenty five minutes have passed". I'd use that to begin a new paragraph.
Further on you have "after several hours". I'd use that for the start of another paragraph.

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.

I liked how you used the jewelry to show how the interact together. The scene later on is tension filled and sets the mood..terror.

She took his deep interest and attention to detail as profound and deep emotion. Although later on we see why he pays attention. It is so he knows his victim well.

I would leave out the part about how could he hurt her. It's revealing too much at this point. You want to hold the reader in anticipation. You might say that she could trust him with her life. Okay, maybe not that. Hmm.

Done well, dialogue advances the story and fleshes out the characters while providing a break from straight exposition. Click here for guidelines.

1) Remember to break up dialogue, with physical details.
2) Dialogue must have its own paragraph, but exposition can continue. Don't overdo dialogue tags such as he said/she said.
3) Avoid stereotypes, profanity, and slang as this can alienate your reader.
4) Punctuate correctly.
By using these guidelines, it is easy to fix any problems that someone might find in your item.

Remember that a comma goes before the last quotation marks in dialogue. Also, do not combine two character's dialogue in one paragraph. Treat each character's dialogue as a paragraph and give a line space between each.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: Wow. This gave me the creeps. The innocent woman got sucked into thinking this man was all that he was not. The man's whole persona changed it seems to the victim, yet is part of his real self. We're not sure what drives him yet or why he chose her.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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1131

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14 days may be credited.

#3521506

Review of Pulse

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi again Darkness,
I another item of yours.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Formatting: good
Imagery:
Idea/theme: good.
Nice balance between narrative and exposition and dialogue.

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.

Done well, dialogue advances the story and fleshes out the characters while providing a break from straight exposition. Click here for guidelines.

1) Remember to break up dialogue, with physical details.
2) Dialogue must have its own paragraph, but exposition can continue. Don't overdo dialogue tags such as he said/she said.
3) Avoid stereotypes, profanity, and slang as this can alienate your reader.
4) Punctuate correctly.
By using these guidelines, it is easy to fix any problems that someone might find in your item.

The dialogue here seems to be for the most part ..okay.
Although, I see a change of point of view from one person to another. We can't see into hers if we are already in his.

You can do this though by way of smooth transition. When you wish to change POV, just add an extra line space and then go ahead with dialogue, thoughts, or exposition.

Keep his actions and thoughts separate from hers. Put it with his dialogue if anything or give it its own paragraph.

A bit of confusion here>
He kissed the tips of his fingers and placed them over her heart. (did you mean her fingertips?)

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: He has gone through some kind of transformation, yet it is vague. He desires her and she him, yet they "can't be together". It leaves a question unanswsered. I am not sure why he struggles to stop rather than go forward. He does say, "I belong in this world but you don't." (by the way, there is a few places that need commas. Use them wherever you pause. Try reading your work out loud.)
I'm not sure what "this world" means unless he is in another place such as another realm.

This is so very sad that they reconnected on several levels, and yet won't be together for some reason. The conflict and tension make this story feel more real. I wanted to see more action...even if someone has an outburst. I wanted a reaction, and then an eventual an epiphany (self discovery) near the end. This is your story and so whatever way you wish to reveal it, is how it should be. These are only my ideas about it.

I must have watched way too much of Smallville, because this makes me think of Superman, who has many desirable qualities, plus he's strong physically and mentally, yet his weakness and strength is his love for Lois Lane. He is torn between what seems to be conflicting --his love for Lois lane, and his desire to rescue the whole world.

Lois on the other hand feels selfish, and although her love for him is deep, true, and everlasting, she believes she must let him go. It is a great sacrifice, but she wishes to not hold him back, thinking it allows him to fulfill his dreams and be all that he is meant to be.

For this also, he cherishes her even more. Recognizing her as his strength and his reason for being, he won't let her, and so he also saves their mutual love.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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1132

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14 days may be credited.

#3521490

Review of Today

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Liam,
I found your item after browsing through your port, and I'm glad I did. I plan on spending more time in it but for now I wanted to comment on this item.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.
Although, there isn't a lot of imagery in this, we know what this piece of prose is saying. It is expressed simply without using the actual noun.

Done well, dialogue advances the story and fleshes out the characters while providing a break from straight exposition. Click here for guidelines.

1) Remember to break up dialogue, with physical details.
2) Dialogue must have its own paragraph, but exposition can continue. Don't overdo dialogue tags such as he said/she said.
3) Avoid stereotypes, profanity, and slang as this can alienate your reader.
4) Punctuate correctly.
By using these guidelines, it is easy to fix any problems that someone might find in your item.
(NOT APPLICABLE)

Form: unique as in shape, plus the item is not crowded together.
Flow: good
Idea/theme: interesting and to the point.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I don't know much about Cinquin but this looks like it is correct considering the way the words are used. Cleverly done and worded.

Thanks for the read.

P.S. I read your profile. Thanks for this also> AND MAY THE ROAD HOME BE DOWNHILL ALL THE WAY TO YOUR DOOR! My car is on the blink now for several months so I am trekking along pavement and carrying packages, so this downhill wish literally eases my pathway.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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1133

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14 days may be credited.

#3521478

Review of Walk Tall

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Darkness,
I found your item while surfing WDC for items to review.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Formatting: okay, except I might have combined a few of these.
Flow: good.
Idea/Theme: interesting and something almost anyone can relate to or at least understand.

I liked that we get a brief overview of what has happened, but also that the person has basically picked himself up and dusted himself off as best he can. It's not an easy thing to do and takes a lot of strength to keep on when things tend to fall apart.

Obviously, she is a source of moral support. She notices these things about him, that maybe he doesn't recognize or think about, and obviously cares deeply for him and quite possibly is in love. And so he is inspired even though they aren't united physically, but maybe in thought and feeling-wise.

The word survive stands out for me. This man is surviving, but also holding all that she reflects in his heart. It gives him hope and something to believe in, something consistant. And so she is also his strength.

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: This item expresses deep emotion and partly a personal epiphany. And he accepts this reality.

Good job on this.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Image ID #1753702 Unavailable **
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1134

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14 days may be credited.

#3517500

Review of Pretend

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi strcuckoo,
I'm happy to review your item.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

I liked the use of "mind's cinema".

I also liked the last lines>
I rewind the film
Not seeing the end
That happiness lost
So, I must pretend.

Losing someone is truly heartbreaking, whether it be in death, distance, divorce, or simply estrangement of any kind.

What remains is the love within and no matter how busy we keep ourselves or how we try to deny it, it's always there, but so are those memories, which are hauntingly beautiful. They are a part of us and to deny that would make us become unreal.
This piece effectively shows that. I like how you said so much in so few words, yet meaningful ones. This item is perfect just the way it is, so I wouldn't change one thing about it.
Thanks for sharing.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS:

Would you mind reading my item that I created for Mother's Day? Here is the link> "Love, Mom" [ASR]

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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1135

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3516338

Review of Shame!

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Chandler Harp,
I found your item while surfing for items to read on WDC, and I'm glad I did.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

I'd read this item before but didn't have some time to review it, but here I am now.
I liked reading your item, because it reveals a scolding for those not appreciating their own mother. This same mother who probably held them in her arms, nursed them back to health, saw them through difficult times and shared their life with them, maybe doing without just so they might do something wonderful to make their child's life happier.

The item looks well on the page, with adequate spacing.
There was no misspelled words or anything that stood out in a negative way. It was easy to read and understand, and the words used indicated the mood.
SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I know of someone who is like this. His mother would give him her last breath if she could have, yet he did nothing, even up to her death, but cause her grief and was disrespectful and did nothing for her gentle heart. It disgusts me to think about it.
All I can say is: what comes around goes around or is it the other way around. Anyway you know what I mean. What you give is what you get back sooner or later, maybe not in the way you expect though. It's more like a naturally occuring consequence. I can only hope that the person can wake up, if they are able to feel any remorse and love in their heart.

Good read.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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1136

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14 days may be credited.

#3516333

Review of How Can I Get Back Together With My Ex

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi malagion,
I found your item while surfing the newbie list.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

The title makes the reader curious and causes them to take a peek.
You gave some examples of how to do that, plus you brought up questions about why a person might want their ex back.

Is it because they feel as if life without them would be one without love, their love, and impossibly lackluster, or is it because their ego has been shattered and can't stand the thought that their ex is out of the relationship, leaving the other person wondering what the heck just happened. It's a very good question and one of the first things a person ought to consider before persuing the idea more.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS:Let's face it. Relationships are a lot of work and unless two people want to work things out, then it's just not going to happen. Communication is key though, whatever way it turns out.
Even when other people get involved, what's more important is to keep the line of communication open. If it goes haywire that creates hurdles, which seem impossible to get passed or through to interact in a positive way.

I especially liked this part:
Find out what caused the arguments, of which of her needs weren't being met, and work on rectifying those issues.

(this could apply to either person).

Thanks for the read.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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1137

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14 days may be credited.

#3514914

Review of Some days but not today

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Word,
I've read this item before and was at a loss as to what to say that might make a difference.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

I can say this. That it seems as if when someone or a family is dealing with this experience or another similar one, many people distance themself. It's like they don't want to talk about the obvious things since they don't want to upset the person or maybe even themselves, if they are that close to whatever is going on. Sometimes it is good to just talk about it, cry about it too, and give yourself permission to feel.

The thing is when we are hurting, grieving, it might be the hardest thing to feel those things for long. Maybe that's when we give ourselves to have moments when we let ourselves. I can remember when certain things upset me..you know the kind that don't go away, and I was wanting to be frozen so I wouldn't feel anything.

Now I will share my own experience in this. I know that this isn't going to change anything for you and your family.

I'm having prolonged grieving, and the only way I can deal with it is to not dwell on it. That probably sounds callous and Im not saying for you to do this either. In my case, I'm not having much of a choice so in order for me to survive, I have to do something for me.

I have two sons.
One has siezures and could die anytime that happens. It's a survive or die type thing.
My other son has cancer. The bad part is we've lost touch, by chis choice. I hate this because I feel this is the time that he needs me and I want to be there for him, yet I feel that maybe he doesn't want me there because he thinks it would hurt me more.

If feels as if I lost my son, when he's alive and on the planet somewhere, yet it's like he isn't because I'm not part of his life now. As a mom, this hurts deeply, yet I try to push those feelings aside and think about the fact that he must be okay, and not laying in some hospital bed feeling sad or unloved.

No news is good news. Still, I worry. It saddens me. My time will come and there is no way I can prepare myself, and I'll have to face it.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: This is a personal piece, so I am unsure about how to review it . It could use some line spacing by breaking it up into more paragraphs.

Take care and realize you are stronger than you think. You are giving your child the best you can while your own heart feels as if it is breaking. Take one day at a time.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3513054

Review of My Life

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi strlcuckoo,
How's it going? I happened to see your item on the review request page and thought I'd take another peek into your port. Found this one.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

The first thing I noticed was how it might need some line spacing. I'd separate it about halfway through or even divide it up into thirds, where one thought ends and another starts up. This would greatly improve the format of it and also make it easier to read.

The item reveals life's choices and how things flow for the person, and what feelings he had or is now going through.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: This poetry has a rhyme to it, which is a bit unusual for me. I believe that was the author's purpose and so I'm not sure I'd change it. He effectively revealed his life and also what holds meaning to him.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3513045

Review of Perfect

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi TA,
I noticed your item while reviewing and want to review it.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

The words and ideas used in this item is easy to understand.
I saw no problem with spelling.
The rhyme seems correct too.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I would create a line space just before where it says> I can't be perfect...
This makes the format more appealing.
The only other thing is that maybe it needs a period where there is a complete thought.
Good read and expression of emotions.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3513034

Review of For you...

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Big Josh,
I found your item while surfing through WDC, and I'm glad I did.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Lets face it. Break ups are a real downer. The pain can be so great, that it feels as if our life will never be the same again, not without our loved one. That being said, lets get on with the review.

Good format.
Good flow.
Expressive emotion in this piece.

Nice rhythm and rhyme in this as we see the person's perspective.

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.

My favorite part:
Running my fingers through your hair
massaging away your every care

For me, this reveals a very endearing move on the person's part. Although, his own heart is broken, he still wants to soothe her, and heal and shield her with his love, and yet she won't let him.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I didn't see any glaring errors in this piece and everything looked good.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3513024

Review of For You, My Friend

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Allyssa,
I found your item while surfing WDC for items to review, and I'm glad I did.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

I like how it's formatted on the page.

I liked the rhym and rhyme in this, but also that you didn't mention the addiction so much. We knew right away at the mention of the needle in the arm.

I can count on one hand the amount of items that often have errors that need to be looked at, but rarely do I find anything which doesn't need a few things edited or revised.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I'm happy to say that this one is just right the way it is.
We see one friend wanting to be there to help another one with his or her addictions.
It's a very loving thing to do on your part, and very hard to for a caring freind to watch someone go down this road.

Good job on this one.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3511911

Review of WAITING

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Itchy Water,
I found your item on the review request page , and I'm glad I did.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.

Although this is prose, there is much imagery in this as we see the person experiencing a day.
I didn't see any big problems with this piece. Spelling and punctuation seemed fine.
although, outback probably should be out back.

People often don't think about this much, but the more I read this, the more I realized that I too "wait", and even that is putting things mildly. I decided a long time ago to ignore this "waiting" because it was making me miserable, so I got busy concentrating on my family, work, projects, and creating. That was okay for a while, but then the feeling came back again. I wake up with anxiety, often with the same awful thoughts as the other mornings. Then I turn over and go back to sleep, hoping it will just go away. If I wake up again, and the sun is shining, it seems to help and I'm able to get moving--although rather slowly.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: The odd thing is that although we wait, then soon time has flown by and we might still be waiting. Someone once said to me: The hours go by slowly, but the years go by fast. (or maybe it was The days go by slowly and the years go by fast. Ever notice that. It's especially noticeable after you turn 40. LOL

The odd thing is that when everything is going well, the time flies by fast. Too fast, and those moments are gone, leaving memories in its place.

Anyway, I liked this piece because it does cause a person to stop and think about what they are doing.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3509144

Review of Valentines pause

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi wordvomit,
I found your item while surfing for items to review.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Since this is an experience, I will look only at certain aspects. Often I go with how the piece makes me feel or if it makes sense. I did find some misspelled words and typos, or areas that might be reworded in order to become more clear.
You wrote:
classis pony tail >I think you meant classic pony tail.
commas needed> than usual, not too much, but enough to...
I would reword this next sentence, because jeans is used too often: I put on tight jeans and black heels. Jeans, not a skirt or a dress but jeans cause I know you like them better.

Maybe like this> I put on tight jeans and black heels; not a skirt or a dress, but jeans, because I know you like them better.

Through the crowd, I see...
Out of the corner of my eye, ...

You wrote: Your right there
Maybe you meant: You're right there (a form of you are)
4 year old should be four year old

I might have used dialogue for the part where you ask, "Do you want me to come cuddle?"
then let him respond.
"Do whatever is most comfortable."
Personal Note: Maybe you sigh inwardly over his reaction. It still feels like there isn't enough communication. It could be he wants you to be the aggressive one or even get a reaction out of you, while you would like him to make some moves and let you know you are desired not just a sex object but someone he is proud of. I'd let him know and maybe work something out where you both get what you want.

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.

We saw how you got ready for your day in public with your man. We saw you walked alongside him proudly, as you went by other people, who do look your way. They noticed.

I also liked the instances where you did things to get your husband's attention. This wife misses passion in her life, and she wants it from her husband. She wants him to make some moves rather than leaving it up to her. At least, that's what I think I am seeing.

I liked that you mentioned at the very end of this piece that it doesn't lessen your love one bit as you await for that blissful moment when he indeed notices and makes you more than aware of it.
That's a very good thing to realize. It's also good that you can express yourself in this item.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: This happens to many couples after having children and taking on the responsibilities of parenthood and adulthood, and yet it's kind of scary when it does. The best thing you can do is verbalize this need and let him know because although it seems obvious to you, he might not realize how much this means to you. Possibly he feels as if something is amiss but can't quite figure it out or isn't sure what to do.

There are many things I could comment on about the other comments made near the end of the piece, where you say I am nothing special, not beautiful or unique. The truth is you are unique. There is nobody else exactly like you. I am sure that your husband knows this too.

It's hard to say why a man doesn't react a certain way, even when coaxed toward that end.

Anyway, the feelings in this are vivid and you gave some good examples. Thanks for the read.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3508419

Review of Country Life

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Jamie,
I found your item on the review request page, and I'm glad I did. I read your item and here are my thoughts on it.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

My first thought was that Jonathan needed a last name.

Also I felt 20 should have been written out as twenty. I liked that we got a bit of information in this first paragraph. We know where Jonathan is and where he is at, but also we're getting a feeling, but we're not sure why yet. This reaises a question and so we want to read on. That's good.

One thing that you need to do is lessen the line space between paragraphs unless time has passed or we are in a different place now. Then it's just an additional line space instead of one.

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.

I liked that we saw a grey car, which might indicate a mood ..kind of a hint at it, yet I wasn't sure if the car was important. Usually more detailed descriptions indicate something of importance. If you had written car alone, I might not have thought of it.

When you mention the amount of people in town, I'd also put the word in >population. I know of places like this. I had an ex in Indiana and most of those people never lived anywhere but their hometown and wouldn't think of leaving the state. They are happy and content with it, and when someone does leave, they often return to it again. You know, home sweet home.

Done well, dialogue advances the story and fleshes out the characters while providing a break from straight exposition. Click here for guidelines.

1) Remember to break up dialogue, with physical details.
2) Dialogue must have its own paragraph, but exposition can continue. Don't overdo dialogue tags such as he said/she said.
3) Avoid stereotypes, profanity, and slang as this can alienate your reader.
4) Punctuate correctly.
By using these guidelines, it is easy to fix any problems that someone might find in your item.
There was very little dialogue in this. In fact, it was thoughts about what someone might have said. I might have shown how this character interacts with others, which could indicate what it was like for him, rather than you simply telling the reader.

This is okay in a rough draft as you have the main idea down. But when you are ready to edit/revise, show not tell.

I see several areas where you might create a scene showing what his parents are doing in the pub or how they react when someone moves away from their town or anticipates a move from it.

I see you try to provide and ending when the grey car passes and mention the cousin's name. It didn't quite feel right though. Maybe if Jonathan has a chat with Beth, it might help him establish his confusion about how he feels and how he wants to explore his options and discover what makes his life more exciting. Maybe Beth could have some experience she could share with him, yet he knows that in order for him to learn that he will have to leave at least temporarily and learn what it's like to not have the security and predictability of his present life, and either move toward a new type of security or return to this life with a new perspective and appreciation.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: To be honest, I wasn't sure what ute meant. I never use that word. Is it a model of a car? If so, capitalize it. Maybe even mention something about it which tells us what it might be. Please let me know if you edit/revise this and I can take a second or even a third look. Trust me. Each of us have to edit/revise our work in order to make it more concise and exciting.

I hope this review was helpful. I have just edited and revised one of my items and would like you to take a look when or if you can. Thanks. "Love Lost and Found" [18+]

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3503714

Review of Long Gone Love

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi silverknight,
I found your item while doing some reviews , and I'm glad I did.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.

I liked that even though this is poetry that we got some nice imagery in it.

This piece has some nice rhyming going on as we learn more about the person's lost love and how they came to be apart.
I didn't notice any spelling or any other kinds of errors in this piece.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: Good job on this.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3500842

Review of Trick or Tweet

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Tom Buck,
I found your item while reviewing, and I'm glad I did.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

The story idea in this item is unique and I, at first, didn't get it. Because there was a big intro into it as we see the couple interact and then join up. I wasn't sure what the numbers were about and why they might be important but I could soon see that it was showing how technology was becoming part of the couples life even before they became a couple.

Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here

Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality.

We see the characters in different places but it's lacking visuals. I'd enhance this story with whatever is surrounding the character. Maybe he gazes into the mirror behind the bar and notices the two females approaching him. It could be anything from sight, sound, scents, or touch. Maybe he hears the bartender as he fills his glass with ice. clunk clunk. These things are what make a place feel more real.

Done well, dialogue advances the story and fleshes out the characters while providing a break from straight exposition. Click here for guidelines.

1) Remember to break up dialogue, with physical details.
2) Dialogue must have its own paragraph, but exposition can continue. Don't overdo dialogue tags such as he said/she said.
3) Avoid stereotypes, profanity, and slang as this can alienate your reader.
4) Punctuate correctly.
By using these guidelines, it is easy to fix any problems that someone might find in your item.

The dialogue was done correctly and seemed right for each character.
The flow was good and the sentence rhythm was varied enough to keep it interesting. I am not sure but maybe some of this could be left out and wouldn't be missed. On the other hand, maybe it is all necessary (the beginning where they are all together and talking about Facebook and Twitter.

Personally, I think much of the internet visiting is overdone, but to each his own. Some people spend their whole lives on there it seems. It just feels out of balance to me. It seems like face to face interaction is becoming even more rare.

I didn't see any glaring errors in this. It was easy to understand and it seemed to flow much better and became more exciting as we saw things happen to the couple and their family. It is a rather sad ending yet it makes sense too.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: Good job on this overall. With a few added touches this will be perfect. Thanks for sharing.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3500821

Review of A Lover Held Back

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi dark angel,
I found your item while doing some reviews, and I'm glad I did.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Since this is prose, many of the things above not apply.
I like the subject of love and it's interesting to see how each person reveals their experience in it or at least visualizes it.

The love seems strong as it lasts although they both act as if they don't care, and through the mark (which I'm not sure what that means).
I did see a typo where it says> Even in the fircest gale. (I think you meant fiercest).

I liked how you use opposing elements gale/desert.

The line spacing makes each line stand out more.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: It does seem to raise the question as to why the love is forbidden.

Nice job on this. Thanks for sharing.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3500817

Review of Icy blue eyes

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi karma,
I found your item while doing some reviews, and I'm glad I did.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

From what I could gather, this is about a girl wishing the other person would just leave. It also reveals much pain as the person has the want to do to the other what she felt was done to her.

WOW. There is much emotion in this piece. I feeling of revenge, which was building to the point that their relationship is ruined, and now just wants freedom.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS:
As much hate as this girl has for the one with blue eyes, she has as much love too, otherwise it wouldn't cause so much distress. Strong feelings and disappointment that it is over and yet she feels this is how it has to be.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3500809

Review of Flight of the Fallen Sparrow

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi eskay,
I found your item while reviewing, and I'm glad I did.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

This piece had a little story about a sparrow and what happens after she flits about and explores her world. Sometimes she is hurt and disabled for a bit, but she picks herself up and tries yet again, and then fails once more. And she again heals up and flies once more. The last time though she doesn't seem to make it.

I thought this part was especially interesting and a turning point. For me it seemed to indicate that although the sparrow didn't survive physically this time, her spirit lived on in another realm.:
That was not to be – not in this world
A sudden gust around her swirled
Carrying her off in one fell swoop
Set her free from this earthly coop

Nice symbolism in this good. I liked the imagery in it as we see her swoop and swirling through the air on guest of wind.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I have no suggestions for this. Good job. Thanks for the read.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3500801

Review of TABLE FOR ONE

Review by SpookySilverMoon

In affiliation with Dream Team HQ

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Countrymom,
How's things going? I found your item while reviewing, and I'm glad I did.

For disclaimer, click here.>

Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.

Please click here and read what I consider during a review.

Story/Prose Idea, Intro/Setting, Format, Punctuation, Sentence structure, Flow, Balance (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), Dialogue, and Imagery.

Since this is prose, many of the things above is not applicable. I will comment on those that are.
I liked the content of this item. We see a woman visiting a restaurant and she has a lovely view, watching the waves come into shore.

You've set the mood and shown emotions as she longs for him, knowing he has to complete his service while she awaits him. This place either could be where they'd been before, or just a place that she enjoys and wishes they could be together.

Lovely portrayal of sentiment and love revealed here.

SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: I remember a place like this. It overlooks the boat dock, but beyond that the Golden Gate Bridge shines, and beyond that is Alcatraz Island. It's a very nice restaurant and one I have visited with my loved ones--older children and friends.

Yet even in the quiet moments, while watching the sun go down and the golden light shining across the water, I too, felt this same thing. I longed for my special someone and thought how special it would be to share this moment with him. Because it became painful for me, knowing that wasn't going to happen, I decided to squelch those thoughts and just enjoy the moment anyway.

Good read. Thanks for sharing.

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