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Hi Ella Mae,
I found your item on the review page, and I had the opportunity to review it.
For disclaimer, click here.> 
| Please remember that these are only my suggestions, and not necessarily how you wish to express yourself. Take what works for you and disregard the rest. |
The very first lines in this asks a question. why did she hit the floor and was all sweaty? It is answered in the next sentence. That first line is a hook. You want that.
I didn't like the sentence> I had had my nightmare again.
It feels awkward with two of the same words in it. I know that people talk like this but it doesn't read well.
I would have said something like>
I had the same nightmare that I do every other night. (This serves two purposes, it shows this thing happened before many times, but also it's more concise, less wordy, less sentences. I don't know that I'd reveal what it was about but maybe show it slowly.
You don't want to say the emotion but show it.
I liked the dialogue in it, except it's not dialogue but a thought. Take quotes out and put italics in around it. so that it is a thought. Then don't repeat the same words.
Instead of saying, "I got up and untangled myself from the massive, constricting heap of fabric. " Make it more immediate and interesting.
After I untangled the constricting heap of fabric around me, I turned the door handle on the large oak door. My hands curled around the black wrought iron railing and sent a slight chill through me. (I wouldn't say it's cold. Readers want to know how cold. I also wouldn't put too many details in one area. It ends up being too wordy and feels like the writer is trying to impress the reader. We want to feel what the character is doing.
Let her move along and the descriptions will work there way in. )Is he barefoot? Maybe her feet sink into the carpeting (if there is any on the sprial stairwcase or is it all wood?)
You're doing a good job at describing but putting too much at once. Spread it out some. Show her doing something with it.
When she mentions Marie, identify her. Is she an older or younger sister? Is she a cousin? Is she an adopted sister? It says they live in a big victorian house. Why say "a" big victorian house? why not say "this" big victorian house. or lived here x amount of years or months or since they were born. This is borderline redundant. That means you are saying the obvious and it's already been said. The reader will remember. If you want to reveal for sure what it is, then find some other way of speaking of "big Victorian house" . Maybe she'd gotten a phone call with offers from a real estate person who had mentiond how a lovely Victorian home like theirs would make them wealthier.
Instead of saying her parents loved antiques, have her touch or look at something that one of them loved. Maybe it's the picture hanging over the mantle or that carved piece her dad loved. This makes it feel more real and is less generic.
She mentions the parents death, but I think it could have been worked into the story earlier, and maybe explained more now.
The part about her sister is also a repeated area. Try not to use the same words twice. Her hair might be silky but would she feel it? She might say long, silky, ebony mane of hair. The description is very detailed and this is what a boyfreind might notice, not a sister. I have several sisters and I never look that close into her eyes. I might notice her hair though or how firm she is from working out. Maybe be a little jealous because she can wear such cute clothes that fit her different than me.
 Please click here and read what I consider during a review.
| STORY/PROSE IDEA, NTRO/SETTING, FORMAT, PUNCTUATION/SENTENCE STRUCTURE, FLOW, BALANCE (between dialogue, narrative, and exposition), DIALOGUE, AND IMAGERY. |
This story would do well to have some dialogue in it near the beginning. If you don't let your characters come to life, then it's like puppets.
Details help make a story and characters feel real. For more about imagery, click here
Reading " The yellow and black Jeep across the street looked familiar." reveals more than "The car across the street looked familiar."
Showing what a character is doing or thinking also helps the reader know him or her. Maybe he or she sees or touches something, and it looks or feels a certain way. This conveys mood and shows his personality. |
Done well, dialogue advances the story and fleshes out the characters while providing a break from straight exposition. Click here for guidelines.
1) Remember to break up dialogue, with physical details.
2) Dialogue must have its own paragraph, but exposition can continue. Don't overdo dialogue tags such as he said/she said.
3) Avoid stereotypes, profanity, and slang as this can alienate your reader.
4) Punctuate correctly.
By using these guidelines, it is easy to fix any problems that someone might find in your item. |
The area where it talks about her sister snapping her attention doesn't make sense. I'm not sure what you mean. I think it needs rewording.
That one night Marie seemed to change and told me what to do after our parents died. (So much of this is told rather than showed. You really need to show these characters interacting. Use dialogue. Have Marie tell thsi girl what to do. which by the way, we still don't even know her name and should. Let Marie use it.)
Let her wait for her sister like she said. Rather than say "our Lamborgini" have her say..in "the Lamborghini" since we don't need to be told it's theirs.
I had screeched? not good. Try> I screeched. (also if she ws 12, would she really say> What the hell? Good grief now shes' driving a Ferrari? This is unlikely. And it's confusing ..first we hear about a very expensive car then we see two young girls meeting up, each with very fancy cars.
I like your choice of cars and I see how you are showing their wealth but this feels a bit too far fetched.
Dont' say anything about having a flashback, just transition it by line spacing twice, then show her touching something that brings her back to the present, maybe that railing, or her hand resting on the miniature statue or what ever. People often touch things when they walk about a room and talk.
I'm really confused about who's saying what here as the point of view changes but it seems as if the other person is the one that said "I have school today."
Again, you mention four years ago. You also mention the gold in the eyes. When you mention something the reader assumes it's important. I'd find another way to mention the gold. Maybe she looks in the mirror or into some water in the pond outside or heck I don't know. Then thinks to herself, just like her sister's. It' was the one thing that linked them besides their own blood.
Mom and Dad has ordered us to death. (what does this mean? Did they order their deaths? or did they dominate them?
SUGGESTIONS AND OTHER COMMENTS: YOu have a good story start here and it is rich in details, you just need to edit and revise it more, take out redundant parts and put in more details in other areas, and use dialogue for important areas.
I got the message that they must be vampires or at least something deadly. Maybe you should describe the feeling they get when they look at a human, and how they resist it.
I enjoyed reading this item, despite the errors in it. Everyone starts somewhere and the story parts are here but just need a little revision.
Continue on in rough draft and get your story idea down, then go back and edit /revise. but you can learn by fixing this first part too. I hope this review has been helpful and encouraging.
You are invited to a Dream Team event "Dreamer's Sanctuary" 
For your efforts using imagination and creative expression, tangerinedream has left a  rating level.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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| (3.5)
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