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I am not an expert reviewer, but I have some small amount of talent in the field of writing. I will not edit your work, but typos, grammar mistakes, etc. will be pointed out if I see them. I will give you my impression of your work, encourage you, and do my best to review the work.
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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Happy WdC account anniversary!

Hello Ms_Write1968,
I've just read a beautiful story, Fort Worth: . . . In it, you tell us of some of your memories of Texas, of growing up in Fort Worth, of your Mom and Dad. It's a delight, for me, to read this type of story. Being from the mountains of Eastern Kentucky, I had no idea that when I was sliding, in a cardboard box, down the mountains in Kentucky, that in Fort Worth, someone was doing the same thing.

In your story, you tell us not only of your memories, but you tell us, of earlier memories, those of your Mom and Dad. . . . way to go, good writing.

I noticed one little thing in your story, it's probably a typo . . . In the second sentence of the second paragraph . . . you need to capitalize i.



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Regards, jackson
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152
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)


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         Congratulations on your WdC account anniversary.

         Hello ImaLukewarmPizza,

Your story, The Great Ignacio . . . is pretty good as an introduction for a future story.

My interpretation

         A man called Ignacio, exhausted after writing long into the night, can not wake up in the morning. He is aware, just in a deep sleep. He hears Patricia calling his name, others shaking him, and feels the warm sun upon his skin. Dreams fling themselves upon him, monsters shake him, impelling him to awaken. Still, he sleeps. He knows he is late . . . but for what?

Comments

         Many things can happen in the future story. It's well set up to be a fine story in whichever way you lead the words.

For the group signatures

I have a few suggestions on your punctuation; use them as you see fit, as they are only suggestions.

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My suggestions

Your first sentence: In the morning the sun hung like an evil eye . . .

In the morning, is an introductory phrase, a phrase telling us (when), then comes the rest of the sentence, telling us (what) the sun hung like an evil eye . . .

A comma needs to separate the (when) from the (what.)

In the morning, the sun hung like an evil eye . . .


The same as above, for this sentence: In his dream he heard the echoed calls of Patricia . . .

This sentence tells us (where), then tells us (what).

In his dream, he heard the echoed calls of Patricia . . .

Write on . . .

Regards, jackson


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153
153
Review of Merge Necklace  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


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         Hi Kooklis,

Some background for the readers of this review . . . This is the first entry of an interactive item. The interactive item itself, provides participants all the information necessary to make additions. A number of characters can be written about ; these characters can merge into other people in two ways, into the body only, or into the body and mind.

For the group signatures

          My rating for this part of the interactive is five stars. I will average this five with the first entry, Lucky You, for a final rating.

Lucky You


Suggestions

First sentence of Lucky You:

Walking home one day from school you notice a shining green necklace laying on the sidewalk.

You need to make some additions to the sentence to make it a good sentence.

Suggestions

Add (while) or (when) as the first word of the sentence.

You need a comma after (school) as the word completes one action in your sentence. Always separate two or more actions with a comma.

The rest of the sentence:

. . .you notice a shining green necklace laying on the sidewalk.

You need to change laying to lying because (laying) means, to place a thing or object down. Whereas, lying means, an object or thing already in position, such as, on the sidewalk.

Restuctured sentence


While walking home one day from school comma you notice a shining green necklace lying on the sidewalk.

The few other sentences of the entry demonstrate good punctuation. I like the question posed near the end, after they arrive home . . . Should you take a nap, or try out your new piece of jewelry? Good work . . .

Regards, jackson

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154
154
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)


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         Hi LilyMom,
         Congratulations on another year of membership at WdC.

Wow! It's hard to review on this Infinix 11 cellphone, but I do the best I can, typing in a two inch space with a finger that's bigger than the keys . . .

Your story, An Unexpected Meeting, is quite a good story; it possesses the ingredients native to the lines of a solid story. It's a well-written, naturally flowing stream of words which define a good story.

A good plot, opposition, flow, mystery, action and resolution reside in your lines, and at the appropriate times, each of these parts combine to make your story cohesive to the readers. I will have a few tiny suggestions later . . .

My interpretation

A woman buys a pearl bracelet at a yard sale . . . It's beauty is priceless, but she purchased it for only five dollars. She had felt it was calling her name. She's thrilled. It reminded her of her Aunt Lucy for some reason. She knows the first place she will wear it. Didn't it look so good, hugging her wrist? There was a thing at an art gallery about Andy Warhol, she'd wear it there.

After walking down the stairs from her appartment, she notices the lobby is different than it had been earlier, like something straight from the sixties . . . Then, she sees her Aunt Lucy, looking just like she did twenty years ago. Was it the bracelet? Real magic for only five dollars?

Suggestions

In your sentence, There wasn't really a whole lot to buy but I did see a few undiscovered treasures . . . you need to add a comma before but because it connects two independent clauses.

In the third paragraph you write, It was the most beautiful pearl bracelet I had ever come in contact with.

This sentence describes a past event by the use of the word had. You need to change come to came.

Also in the third paragraph, If I remember correctly is an introductory phrase, it needs a comma after it before continuing the sentence.

In essence, you are relating something you thought, then continuing the sentence by telling something she did, the two actions need separation by a comma. In the same sentence, a comma needs to be put before
but because it joins two independent clauses.

Restructured sentence

If I remember correctly, she tried to make it as a fashion model, but things didn't turn out as she planned.

My final comments

You did a good job writing this story; I really enjoyed reading it. I hope my suggestions benefit your story.

Regards, jackson


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155
155
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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         Hi Tammy,
Happy WdC account anniversary.

One Day At A Time-I'll Be Just Fine has a pretty melody, which sometimes crawls across the page, and sometimes flies, the speed depending on what the reader sees in their mind as they read it. For me, it crawls across the page, delighting the reader with its simplicity. It's a statement from the heart of someone who has lost their sweet love, how they must persevere, never forgetting, but no longer clinging to their memories of that one. One Day At A Time . . . tells us of one person's survival of a loss such as this . . . breaking up after ten years.

First, the person draws out the memories, the sweet feelings of love. Then, one day at a time, they put the pictures away, praying to God to give help that he may.

Time crawls, the sound of a voice is still there, and the smile in the eyes.

And one day at a time, those memories you put in a box, until a new love speaks your name.

And the invisible box is the locked-away memories of the ten years they were yours. But you have a new life now . . . and your heart is just fine.

It's a beautiful poem, excerpts from the heart . . .

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Regards, jackson
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156
Review of Waiting  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


For the group signatures


Hello argo000,

I found an interesting tale in your port . . . Waiting. In it, a young boy, Jonah, who's afraid to sleep because of his thoughts, is waiting . . . Waiting for the spiders to come for him in the blackness of night. He is terrified . . . He wants to scream, to call out to his mother. But he does not, because his mother always tells him it's only his imagination. He waits, alone in the blackness . . . He waits for the evil which a young boy believes will come out or the darkness. He waits . . . his heartbeat erratic, his eyes watering.

Happy WdC anniversary.


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I noticed a few things which could improve your story; my recommendations are listed below.

Suggestions

In the fourth phrase of the first paragraph, if you change (clutching) to (clutched), and (curling) to (curled), the phrase will become a complete sentence. . . .

One pair of hands clutching at the bedsheets and curling them around one scared little head, leaving that one head's pair if eyes visible above the covers.

Restructured

One pair of hands clutched at the bedsheets and curled them around one scared little head, leaving that one head's pair of eyes visible above the covers.

pair if eyes, should be, pair of eyes.

The last sentence of the paragraph needs a period at the end, and restructuring . . .

Sentence: One that could not get to sleep

A boy who could not get to sleep.

You spelled connected, (conected) in the sentence directly above the final sentence of paragraph one.

Second paragraph:
(He wanted t call for his mother.), should be, He wanted to call for his mother.

Second paragraph again:

In these three sentences and phrases: She would tell him that there was nothing there. That it was just his imagination. To go back to sleep.

Combine the three parts into one sentence, then the two sentence fragments will disappear.

That it was just his imagination. and To go back to sleep. are sentence fragments.

Restructured

She would tell him that there was nothing there, that it was just his imagination, and to go back to sleep.

In the paragraph above the final line of the story, He lay down in the pillow and closed his eyes. In the pillow,should be, on the pillow.

I hope this helps, write on . . .
Regards, jackson


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157
157
Review of Humphrey  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)


A
For the group signatures review.


An Image #1585921 over display limit. -?- review.

         Good morning, TaeBelle,

Comments

It's a sweet story. Here, in the pages, we have Humphrey. He's just waking up. He smells Ellie on the sheets, but he is the only occupant of the bed. His heart misses her . . . longs for her.

He can hear her in the kitchen, probably making coffee, probably crying again. He didn't like her tears; it was his duty to ease their pain. Her tears of loss . . . her mourning for the loss of her companion. He gets up and rushes to the kitchen There, yes, Ellie is crying, crying for her love. He sits beside her, saying nothing, just being there. She hugs him.

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Futher comments

I really like the final two lines: 'After all, what's a dog supposed to do but bring joy to their human. I am Humphry and Ellie is my human.'

Suggestions

In the first sentence, I would change (but) to except, and add a comma. In the final sentence, you misspelled Humphrey.

Restructured sentences

After all, what's a dog supposed to do, except bring joy to their human. I am Humphrey and Ellie is my human.

Hey there, TaeBelle, you did a great job disguising the fact that Humphrey was a dog; I was two thirds through the story before a suspicion came to me.

Regards, jackson
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Review of To love  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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         Hi Hank,
The anniversary of your Writing.Com account is this month, have a good one. I can understand where you are coming from in this piece. It's hard to lose someone, especially the one you thought was the love of your life. But as you say in your item, you must eventually move on.

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Comments

Grab life with your heart and hold on, move on, love another, live . . . Concentrate on the things in your life which you can control. The things which you can not control will happen, regardless of your effort; but these things are intruders, temporary residents in your life. Their impact is of no lasting consequence . . . Our hearts, no matter how much we might wish for it, are not permanently tied to someone, until that one ties her heart to us.

I noticed no punctuation errors in your work, good job.

Regards, jackson

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159
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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         Hi D.B.

Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-


Another year here for you. Happy WdC account anniversary.

After the Snowstorm . . . You got it just right, describing the lay of the land after a snowstorm. The quiet, the serene feeling of white covering the land, the sounds of icicles as they hang from the roofs all about.

I enjoy the line below; it sticks out and grabs me,

'roofs seem glad
to hold the winter weight'

The lines you wrote, tell us of the beauty we behold when looking about us as the snow settles in comfortably. The trees coated with snow, the stiffly frozen ice on the windows and the night glow of the snow live in your lines.

My favorite part is:

'It is coldly silent
except for the rare crunch
of tires or footsteps on the street.'

It's got good rhythm and sounds good when read aloud.

Regards, jackson
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160
Review of Like Candy Sweet  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

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Hi MD Maurice,

Anniversary Reviews email siggie


         Your item, Like Candy Sweet . . . it's great. Your brief description tells me of something lost, something that was real at the time . . . but became overbearing.

. . . something you left behind.

The lines of the item itself are filled with, should I say regret? No, they show strength, determination, disgust and rejection of something which could have been, but never was.

The item is well-written with great punctuation and grammar. It speaks to the heart just as it is . . . with a strong determined voice.

Favorite lines/Comments

A quote from your story: 'I wanted to think about you today. I wanted to find a quiet corner and sit. I wanted to pull the memories of you from the back of my mind and savor them,
roll them around slowly like sweet candy over my tongue.'

From this point, the sweet thoughts above . . . the following lines of bitterness flow into the sweetness, making them null and void. Great work . . .

Happy Writing.Com membership anniversary. I hope this review is helpful in some way. So you will know your work is admired, I send you this review.

Regards, jackson

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Review of Rotting  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)


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Hi Stacy Matthews,

Jackson here, sending you a few words about your item, Rotting. Happy WdC account anniversary, may you have many more.

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My interpretation

It's a story of death, the thoughts of the dead as the body slips away from a once perfect creation into the dust of the earth. Somehow, death has not arrived completely, although the body is dead, the invisible heart that makes up the breath of life still lingers . . . This heart, this existence, this soul, if you will, sees the death of its body, sees itself being broken down into the elements used to create it. In the end, it is neither happy, nor sad, but has a gradual accepting of the peace it acquires when even its thoughts have at last perished.

Before this last act begins, the perishing, a feeling of regret makes its way into the almost faded thoughts, but time deals this regret a fatal blow . . . It's over, dust is all that remains.

It's a great story, with original thinking and putting together of all the words which it is composed of.

Recommendations

In the fifth paragraph up from the bottom, this sentence has an error . . . Will they remember ny compositions? It should be, Will they remember my compositions?

Regards, jackson

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162
162
Review of The Attic  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)

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         Happy WdC anniversary.

         Hello penshadow,
. . .liked your handle, and the title of this item, The Attic, so . . .

My interpretation

The Attic . . .a good concept, likening an attic to the mind, describing a real attic, but also portraying the description of said attic to the cobwebs, memories, self-images and all the things which dwell in your mind.
. . . great writing. Write on.

Regards, jackson

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Review of Hurt  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


For the group signatures


         Here I am, staring at ten little words . . . do these ten words mean anything to me? Are they a message from heaven or hell? Are they ugly? Are they beautiful? These questions ask themselves of me as I think, How will I review ten little words? There is no answer coming to me as I sit here . . .

Hello Wild Moon,
Happy WdC account anniversary.


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Your item, Hurt stands there on this page, looking at me, daring me to review it . . . I think, Maybe, a cup of coffee will bring me the words. I get up, go down to the kitchen and make myself one. Then, here I am again, waiting for the words to speak. But, these words have no vocal cords, and in an audible voice, they are speechless. I look at them from the right and from the left, turn them upside down and peer into them . . . Maybe, if I wrote them out myself?

         The one
         Who
         Hurt her
         The most
         Was
         Always herself

Now, I am beginning to see . . . these words hold truth, wisdom, and many other things which words can grab onto and hold. And as I sit here, they open up their mouth and tell me they are beautiful . . . and I know it is true.
Beautiful


Regards, jackson
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164
Review of Rose Lips  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Hi Maribel is a Dancing Poet,
Happy WdC anniversary. Another year . . .

The rose fascinates me, smells so good. I like your poem about the rose. It has just the right words as a gift to the rose. It tinkles across the page, trailing its scent of rhymes . . . A sweet poem, made sweeter by each petal.
Good work!

Regards, jackson

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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)


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For the group signatures

Hello Sanveda,

It's a lovely story I just finished reading . . . And She Disappeared. It's about the loss of friend, the hurt, the surprise, the disbelief. Yes, it really hurts our hearts when one we have given our friendship to becomes a ghost.

In your story, you meet a little girl at the park. She's vivid in your memory, you can call up a photograph of her in your mind. After a while you became best friends, chatting, visiting and enjoying your companionship. You shared your secrets with her.

But the day came, that day of realization . . . It was like any other day at first, but when you went to the park to meet her, she wasn't there. You waited and waited, but she never came. She never came again . . .

You still feel the hurt of the heart, a heart which longs for someone.

It's a good story. Keep on writing.

Suggestions

One thing I wll pass on to you concerns the conjunction but. When you use but in a sentence, and it is joining two independent clauses, two clauses which on their own could be a complete sentence because they contain a subject, a verb and an action, you need to put a comma before but.

Regards, jackson


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166
166
Review of Lost Without You  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


Hi Sum1's Home,

Beautiful poetry . . .

For the group signatures
My interpretation


Lost Without You. In the sand, a few words sketched. Now, his fret has quieted. His countenance is at peace. His love told of, his anxiety quilted, he walks tall again.

Not righteous, but God-fearing, a man pleads. Whether heard or ignored, his words carry within them the thoughts of his heart. He is confident again, for he has talked to God.

Comments

Mixed with the sand in which it was written, a sweet rhythm flows in these words of, Lost Without You. The heart of true love is written in the sand; in time, the words may wash away, but words, once written will never fade.

Great poem . . . the man knows he can once more write. The words behind him in the sand is his evidence.

Suggestions

No suggestions necessary . . .


Regards, jackson

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167
167
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)


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         Good morning, Princess Megan Rose,

What a wonderful story, The Kitten Who Wanted a Home, is.

My interpretation

It's lovely, in it, you write of Tigger, a young kitten whose desire is to have a little girl of her own. Tigger, although her heart is torn, leaves her mother to wander through the forest in search of the wish of her heart.

Along the way, she has several misadventures with a dog, a squirrel and an adult mother cat. In the end, little Tigger finds the hope of her heart. A little girl to love and cherish her. And granted on top of that, the little girl has fourteen like-minded friends and four nuns who will cherish Tigger at the Angel Guardian Orphanage where she now lives.

On another day, Tigger's mother is also found and brought to the orphanage. Tigger and her mother are estatic . . .

Comments

It's a sweet story, well-written, full of compassion and the grit and determination of Tigger, the kitten who wanted a home.

For the group signatures

Regards, jackson
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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)



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          Congrats on being a member of WdC another year. Enjoy your time here.

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         In this review, I will edit the first eight lines of your story, The Taste of Revenge. I hope this helps . . .

It's a good story, but it needs to be edited more meticulously. Take your time . . .

Image #2230701 over display limit. -?-

Second line: Usually, is introducing what will happen next. It needs a comma after it, then proceed to say what happened. Delete the second usually in the same sentence.

Third sentence: I sighed got out of bed . . .

I sighed, and got out of bed are two separate actions. Separate them by adding a comma after, I sighed

Fourth sentence: . . . my dads car, needs to show possession, add apostrophe, my dad's car.

Fifth sentence: Why is it so quiet in the house I thought to myself.

Put these words in italics and add a question mark, Why is it so quiet in the house? Delete I thought to myself because the italics tells the reader you are thinking.

Seventh sentence: Well it is raining I reminded myself . . .

Well is an introductory word for the whole sentence. A comma needs to come after it.

It is raining and I reminded myself, are two actions, they need to be separated by a comma after it is raining.

Well, it is raining, I reminded myself.

Eighth sentence: Well what about my sister my thoughts continued......why didn't I hear her about?

Add a comma after well. Add a comma after sister. Delete ......my thoughts continued.


The sentence should look like this: written in italics.

Well, what about my sister, why didn't I hear her about?

Edit along these examples, and the story will shine. I hope this helps.

Regards, jackson


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169
169
Review of My Ghost Town  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)


         Hello Kirsty McCall,

I'm jackson, stopping by to review your poetry. Congratulations on another year here at WdC.

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I agree with you, it's somewhat of a dark nature, but a light will shine for you one day. Hang in there, we all have moments of darkness. One light that maybe you haven't noticed, is the shine of your words on paper.

Suggestion

In the third line . . . This town I've lived for many years, the line is better if you say, In this town I've lived for many years. Just a suggestion.

The other lines dance across the eyes in a fine manner, carrying along with them, rhythm, gloom, determination and will. Good work. My favorite lines are: Like guardians of the gloom and Or with my soul I'll pay.

Regards, jackson

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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

It's the anniversary of the month you first joined WdC.

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Happy account anniversary.

         Hello I dunno,

I know it's an idea for a future story, and I encourage you to go ahead with it, it's great. Laying out the background and introducing the main character, as you have, is a positive.

For those who read this review, the story is about a boy. Well, he used to be boy. Some evil doctor experimented on him and now he's a monster.

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My suggestions

I'll look over the entire piece and make suggestions one by one.

In the fourth sentence, which is: One day in the past he had seen a monster, and it captivated him. It needs to be: One day in the past, he had seen a monster, and it captivated him. You need a comma after, One day in the past, because it's an introduction to the rest of the sentence . . . an introductory phrase which introduces the main part of the sentence.

Hey, it looks like I have only the one suggestion, great work . . . Write on.

Regards, jackson

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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Hello Adore 21 Yrs Jan 8th lol,

Happy WdC anniversary. Twenty one years is a long time. Your puzzle, South Dakota girl, is great. Although, it's still puzzling me . . . I used to do a few crossword puzzles in the newspaper, about a hundred years ago, lol.

As usual, I picked out a few words right away, then your skill at hiding the words stumped me . . . But, I'll be back!

You have put together a great puzzle. It's bright and easy to see on the page. I enjoyed playing around with it.

Again, happy account anniversary.

Regards, jackson

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172
172
Review of Sawdust Parker  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (2.5)


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Hello toganknight,
In this review, since you asked for any kind of help, I will focus on puncuation, structure and grammar. I will try to pinpoint what you need . . .

First of all, it's a good story. I enjoy reading western stories.

         Punctuation and spelling

In the first paragraph, you need a space between the quotation marks and the word he. In the last sentence of the paragraph, the sentence needs to be terminated with a period.

In the second paragraph, the sentence, The bartender glanced Hal up and down.

Glanced means, a quick look, an unobserving look.

The sentence should be, The bartender looked Hal up and down. In the same paragraph, The Thin man's face . . . Thin does not need to begin with a capital letter.

In the fourth paragraph . . . filled with Cigar smoke, needs to be, filled with cigar smoke. Also, there games, needs to be, their games.

In the fifth paragraph, this sentence . . . "You can always turn back son." It needs to be . . . "You can always turn back, son."

In the seventh paragraph, Cheyenne is misspelled; you spelled it, Cheyanne.

In the eighth paragraph, piano does not need to be capitalized;
it's a common word.

In the eleventh paragraph, The burly iron left off howling fiery blast . . . needs to be, The burly iron left off a howling fiery blast . . . Personally, I would replace the word left, with set. The burly iron set off a howling fiery blast . . .

In the final paragraph, West does not need to begin with a capital letter. Where his rode would take him, needs to be, where his road would take him.

         Structure

Each line of the story needs to be filled with words, it is not customary to have only one or two words on a line of text, unless you are beginning a new paragraph. One or two words of a sentence should not be on one line, with the rest of the line blank, then continuing the sentence on the next line.

I hope this helps; keep on writing, it will come to you.

Regards, jackson

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173
Review of By the Roadside  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)



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Hi Northern Lights,

'Scattered memories along the roadside,' I like your choice of words in the brief description of your item, By the Roadside.

I see it's the month you opened your WdC account, enjoy your time here, and write some more as good as By the Roadside.

In your work, By the Roadside, you tell the tale of a mother's sorrow, her desperation, her love which will always cling to her dead son, and finally, her realization.

My interpretation


She stops the car beside the white cross along the roadside. Not wanting to get out, she sits there. Hesitantly, she steps out of the car, her sorrow and anguish overcame for these few steps. A thought might have creeped into her mind, This is where my son died, why am I searching for him here? But she moves forward, with hope in her heart. Her eyes focus on a few scattered objects, one by one, she picks them up.

. . . a photo, dyed by the sun, her son's face still visible. Another, still untouched, with a girl, holding hands. She touches the wilted flowers fastened to the cross, and smells the fresh ones.

Now, she realizes her search is over. She has found he son. If there is a place where her son lingers, she knows she has stood upon it today, and will stand upon it many times in the future.

It's a good story . . . the only suggestion I have is: It would be great if you incorporated some of her thoughts into this, but it's also great as it it.

Regards, jackson

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174
174
Review of Crossing Over  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)


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         Hello Dave,

Plot

You set the story up well, by having the corpse of a woman found by a man walking his dog. Readers are pulled into the scene, wondering what's going to happen as the story develops.

Body of story

Nine months later, the husband of the deceased, hears a knock on his door. When he opens the door, his dead wife is standing there. She has crossed over from the other side. After some back and forth trading of barbs, he is informed that the crossed-over woman plans on taking him with her when she returns. She kills him . . . Knowing he had killed her, she dealt out apt punishment, if you ask me.

Comments

It's a fine story, with the interaction beween the spirit and her once husband supplying horror, suspense and action.

Punctuation

I noticed one little error in punctuation; in the third paragraph from the bottom, you have a quote within a quote. 'Til death do us part,' You used double quotation marks at the beginning of the quote, and a single quotation mark at the end. It needs single quotation marks . . . write on.

Regards, jackson
175
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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)



Hey Patrick,
It's the anniversary month of your becoming a member of WdC. Have a good day. I noticed your story and decided to send you a review. It's a good story, I enjoyed reading it. Any suggestions I make in this review are mean to be helpful.

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                   Punctuation

In your third paragraph, "Hello" I said. needs to be, "Hello," I said.

In the fifth paragraph, the sentence beginning, Went to each others houses . . . lacks a subject, or the one who is doing the action. It needs to be, We went to each others houses . . .

In one sentence you capitalized Coffee in the middle of a sentence. In the middle of a sentence, coffee should use lowercase letters, unless it's a brand named coffee.

He lit one of the firecrackers and tossed it to the side and yelled "watch out" should be, Her lit one of the firecrackers, tossed it to the side and yelled, "Watch out!"

                   Comments

The errors above are all I noticed down to this point, but there are more below this point.

                   Suggestions

The method I use when writing is this: I write a paragraph, then check it for any errors, correct them, write another paragraph and repeat the process. I find this method eliminates 99.9% of errors. Try it . . .

Overall, it's a good story, with editing, it would be much better.

Regards, jackson

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