a very short but efficient poem. You get straight to the point without mentioning all the things there are to mention. It's very short, and yet you know everything that happens or could happen. The sort of open ending is also very interesting. It leaves the reader's mind to wonder at all the possibilities.
Keep up the good work is all I would like to add here.
I liked this story very much. The first part is the best in my opinion, exploring all the thoughts that can cross someone's mind. Excellent!!
The last part is the saddest, because of the ending that the reader would like to have but doesn't get. But that's life, right? You cannot always get what your heart longs for.
A little suggestion, if I may. Double-space your sentences. It's much easier to read.
All in all a very convincing text. keep up the good work.
ah, fantasies...! I think that the transition between reality and dream/ fantasy is very well done in the beginning (though you only know it's a fantasy when having read your text), and the return to reality is excellent. I loved it when you said: "If I can ever muster up enough nerve to utter a hello". A lot of people, or maybe not that many, must feel like this.
All that to tell you that I enjoyed reading "Warm Vanilla Chocolate".
Keep up the good work.
this is a beautiful idea for a text, but the text is marred by a lot of errors in the verbal tenses and some typing errors. Furthermore, the beginning presents one inconsistency: "He knew that she wanted him". How can he know that she wants him if she doesn't show anything?
I think that with a little re-writing, your text would definitely be better.
I think your idea for this text is very original, and the setting is perfect. Your language is very poetic.
The only thing that bothers me a bit is the ending. It's too quick and somehow breaks the tension that has been acumulated. I would suggest an ending where the characters caress each other. The open ending is a very good idea, and doesn't need to be changed.
a very emotional poem about the loss of a loved one. I believe a lot of people can relate to that.
The only negative thing I would have to say it your puncuation. It's strange. I can understand it for the 4th stanza, but not for the 3rd one, because it's the transition. I loved the fact that you used inverted "gradations" for the second to fourth lines, but then the first stanza is not an inverted "gradation" which seems strange when you re-read your poem.
But the idea was very good, and the words are well chosen. Keep up the good work.
a very beautiul poem that goes through several stages. I like the fact that you stick to reality (the condom, the next day) without going in too much detail or mentioning the names directly, but instead giving definitions.
The only thing I would advise is spacing your poem, using stanzas for each stage.
the title was very promising, but the text somehow didn't speak of any seduction. Unless the seduction is intended for the man. But then she must be aware of him. Like this, it doesn't make much sense.
The text, without title, is strange. How can you make love to a chair? You have, I must say, a very vivid imagination. The description is very precise, maybe even a bit too precise, which takes the reader away from the purpose of the text.
The end is too short, in my opinion.
Keep on writing, though, you can only improve.
I like your poem, because it's unlike any other I have read so far. I think a lot of people can relate to wishing to be an instrument or obkect of their beloved. I did once...
I think that the opposition between on the one hand "frenetic" and "jerk" and on the other hand "croon" and duets, private, soulful, slow" is very interesting, but somehow, re-reading this poem for a second time, it seems too great an opposition.
Keep up the good work.
I love this poem because it's simple (and that is not meant negatively) and yet expresses a lot of feelings and doubt. I particularly loved this stanza:
"We lay together like old friends,
Something changes when we touch
This pull, electricity fire, you ignite me."
This is so often true. You can be friends with someone for a long time until one day you realize you love them. You have captured a lot in this poem and I thank you for sharing it with the community.
your poem is very sensuous and avoids all harshness to express something very beautiful: the act of making love for two people who love each other. I love the followoing sentence: "It was almost to much to handle, but I yearned for more."
There are a few typing errors, which accounts for the 4.5-star rating.
a very refreshing poem that takes you by surprise at the end. I don't know why, but when I think of vampires, they are all male for me. So this was a refreshing change of situation knowing that the woman is the hunter. Congratulations!
Moreover congratulations, because you have avoided the cliché of the vampire being cruel and ruthless. This poems descibes two people making love, people of which one happens to be a vampire.
what an extraordinary story. You managed to capture the essence of being different and still wanting someone badly. This love story is beautiful, and even the scenes between the wolf and the woman are not as harsh as they could be. It's almost poetic.
There are a few typing errors in your text, that's why it's not a 5-star rating.
I like your story that deals with the discovery of what love is in a very emotional way. I liked the following sentence: "I could feel - what, I couldn’t understand". That's what we all feel the first time we fall in love, but it's only clear to us much later. You have caputred this moment very acurately, and the end "he's given me the ideal for the perfect man, and I'm grateful for that" is perfect. But somehow, there is something odd about your story, but I'm afraid I can't name it precisely. Maybe the fact that the persona still thinks about her first love...Why didn't she get him back later, when she was an adult?
I have always tired to convey this feeling in my writing too, but never really managed it. You expressed it perfectly well. You have a good sense of observation and honestly, keep on writing like you did here. It can only hit more minds and perhaps change their perception of how life is truly like today: shallow. Well done!!!
There are a few typing errors, that's why it's not a 5-star rating.
I like your second stanza very much, especially that the reason why the person cries is not revealed. Sometimes you need nature to show her stregth to make you strong in return. I feel like that too. I go out to the sea when I'm sad or don't know what to do, and then my ideas are clear. Very good poem. Very well written. Free verse is definitely your thing.
Keep up the good work.
very good start to a novel or novella. There is enough real-life background to make the story credible, and the open ending of your chapter creates a sort of suspense that is only making the reader want to know what will happen next. I like your style,and the fact that Susan has a brother. Most of the time, the main characters are only children, which is getting annoying. Being an only child can have advantages, but also many drawbacks (that's my opinion of course, and you don't have to share it). But the brother will come in handy when things get too weird. As the friend. All in all a very good start. I'm impatient to read the rest.
Oh, before I forget, the fact that you revealed the cat's thoughts is excellent!! Bravo.
after having had a look at your portfolio, I must say I'm impressed. What made you change from writing in French to writing in English? I never managed to write in French, nor German, my mother tongues, but English worked out for me. So it's incredible, in my opinion, to be able to change the language you're writing in. Whatever the reason, I would like you to know that the result is very natural. There are no stilted sentences, everything's flowing. Very good text. Keep up the good job!!
if only other people's dreams could come true too... you've captured very convincingly and accurately the change a friendship undergoes when it becomes a relationship between lovers (though only for 2 sentences at the end). The graphism of the scene does not bother the reader (me) because there are no unpleasant and harsh sexual words which would have destroyed the atmosphere. Well done!!
I like your story. It's very innocent in tone, as it's seen through the eyes of a young teenager. I like the last sentences. It's true that society almost forces us women to alwasy wear a bra. But what if we don't want to? You see women who don't but society always looks badly at them. The only thing I don't quite understand in your story is what the trees have to do there? Just setting? I always thought that in a short story, everything should be kept ot the bare minimum. Maybe I'm wrong...
people usually don't read titles, and that is what happened to me. So you don't know what will happen in the end. But then having looked at the title, I found it somehow anounced what was to come. Maybe that is only my impression because I've read the story before the title. The transition between the reality (a man sitting in front of the computer) and the virtuality is very well rendered. Congratulations!
Keep on writing.
if this story is inspired by your life, then congratulations. It must be really hard to do what everyone expects you to do. I can completely understand the feeling you are expressing here. I live for dancing, and if I could do that all day, I would be in heaven.
And if this is not inspired by your life, then congratulations too, because it's very well written and expresses what a lot of people, who are passionate about something that other people don't deem important, feel.
I liked your story, because of its simpleness (and that's not meant negatively). I like the dialogue which is far from stilted and the most natural thing I've seen in a long time. I like the fact that you did not say who said what, which makes the dialogue far more interesting, because either of them could have said what the other said.
I liked this story because of its simpleness (and that's not meant negatively). The complete lack of direct speech doesn't make it strange or unpleasant to read, on the contrary. I think that dialogue would have killed the atmosphere you have created here.
I like this poem, but could unfortunately not appreciate it to its full extent for several reasons. First, the typing is full of errors and it takes more time to think about what you intended to write than on what you have written. Secondly, rhymes are very beautiful, but if this is your first poem, it's probably (and I want to underline probably) better if you try free verse. That does not make your poem sound less beautiful, but your thoughts can flow without thinking about the form. That's very convenient. I don't want to put you off rhymes, by no means, because you put a lot of effort into them. For my part, I still cannot do that, though I love writing poetry and have been for two years.
And before I forget, I loved (and I want to underline love) the fact that you adopted the guy's point of view and not your own. That's interesting!!
Keep up the good work!
Jéssica
Printed from https://webx1.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/soft_whispers/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 3:12pm on Aug 27, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
