\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://webx1.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/poetjmariah/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
118 Public Reviews Given
122 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am thorough when I review. I like to include my overall impression of or feel for the piece of writing. Then I like to go into details explaining why - what worked for me and what didn't. I may include my favourite and/or my least favourite elements of the writing. I am honest and encouraging. I do not write fluff reviews simply to boost the number of my reviews.
I'm good at...
Rhythm and rhyme (in poetry) and Grammar and punctuation are my forte.
Favorite Genres
Emotional, Romance/Love, Relationships, Nature, Philosophical, Paranormal, Fantasy, Erotic
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, Gothic, War, Political
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Prose, Short Stories, Flash Fiction
Least Favorite Item Types
lengthy book chapters, Essays
I will not review...
I will not review anything that fails to evoke some level of emotion or understanding in me. I will not review anything that is so littered with spelling or grammar mistakes that I have a difficult time reading through it. I will not review anything that is vulgar or gory.
Public Reviews
<   1  2  3  4   >
26
26
Review of Planting Hope  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


*Wave* Hi Lobelia, I have stopped by to review your poem.

My first impression of your poem is that it is very good. You did a good job of linking the planting of seeds with the planting of hope.

What works for me is that you used planting metaphors: planting bulb, pulling weeds, dirt in the nails. These are things that your readers can relate to, and thus understand the deeper meaning of your poem.

What doesn't work for me, well I didn't find anything really.

What stuck out for me was your mention of the dirt darkening your nails. I surely can relate to this, as I used to garden years ago in my younger days. I loved getting dirt under my nails! *Smile*

The best part of your poem for me is the hope. You started with "Planting hope" and ended with "Spring will come". And it is so true that every seed, every bulb is an object of hope.

Well done,

JMariah *Quill*
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
27
27
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


*Wave* Hi A.D.Davis, I stopped by to review your poem.

My first impression was a huge WOW! This poem is so very creative!

What works for me is all the descriptions you used, likening the coffin, grave and headstone to a house, pathway and stone overhead. This could be seen as a sad poem, but I don't see it that way. It is tender and full of love. The rhyme scheme totally fits this poem, in the way the rhymed lines linger over 8 lines (as opposed to the typical 2 or 4) like one would take their time at the grave of a loved one.

What doesn't work for me? Nothing. I couldn't find anything I would change. You did an excellent job crafting this poem. And you say it is a "brief poetic attempt I made while bored", I can hardly believe that *Smile*

My overall impression is that this is a simple concept (visiting a grave), written very creatively with descriptive imagery and impeccable sentence structure.

*Clap* Very well done!

JMariah *Quill*
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
28
28
Review of Waited to long  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


*Wave* Hi Cerpas, I stopped by to review your poem.

My first impression was of its sadness. How true it is that we are not guaranteed tomorrow.

What worked for me was the rhyme. The lines, for the most part, flowed well and each stanza spoke of one idea.

What didn't work for me was the different line lengths in the first stanza. This made reading it a little awkward. "no time for your voice..." is shorter than the other lines, so it sounds abrupt, cutting off the stanza. Also the word "things" in the third line is vague and sounds out of place. And the last two lines do not make a complete sentence. Another thing is the line "you cant squeeze back this time" in the last stanza, which for me doesn't seem to fit with the sense of this poem.

My suggestions for this poem are as follows:
What about this for the first stanza?

I waited too long to call you,
of course a matter of choice.
Totally consumed with myself,
I had no time for your voice...

And what about this for the second line of the last stanza?

I can't get back this time.

Overall, this is a well thought-out poem, well crafted and made me feel the sadness of leaving connections until it's too late.

*Clap* Well done!

JMariah *Quill*
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
29
29
Review of Commuter  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


*Wave* Hi Lobelia, I dropped by to review your poem.

My first impression of this poem was one of recognition. I remember driving home and being mesmerized by the setting sun and the colourful sky. So, I was immediately drawn into your poem.

What really worked for me was the alliteration used throughout, and the almost dreamy tone in each line.

The only thing that didn't work for me was the question mark in the last stanza. I'm not sure why this needed to be a question. I read it both ways, and the question confused me. But that's just me *Smile*

My favourite line - well there are so many excellent lines - my favourite would have to be "Upon horizon’s sill". What a magnificent description!

Overall, this poem moved me. I can relate to its message and it feels good to read it and to hear it. I read it 4 or 5 times (mostly out loud). I love it!

Thank you for sharing,

JMariah *Quill*
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
30
30
Review of Petals of a Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi Raelshann,

I like your little poem that spoke to me of a love lost. It definitely touched me with a sadness, which is great. Poetry is meant to make us feel.

What really works for me is its brevity. You were able to say much in few words; no fluff and fillers.

What doesn't work for me are the last lines of the first two stanzas. Now, remember that this is just one person's opinion. I'm not an expert, and I can only tell you how the lines affected me. In the first stanza, something is "Slowly slipping from my mind", what is it? "The thought of you". The next line "I left behind" left me wondering what it is you left behind. How does this line fit with the idea of a thought slowly slipping from the mind? Or is it the "you" that was left behind? "I left behind" seems so final to the relationship, and yet in the third stanza you are desiring the "kisses of passion".

My suggestion would be to perhaps to change the first stanza to "The thought of us we left behind" (the idea of us that we walked away from). Then the second stanza to "The kisses of passion I still desire" (it's ok to miss and still desire the kisses).

My overall feeling toward your poem is that it can totally stand on its own as it is. My suggestion is such a minor one, just to get you thinking about how one person received the lines. I think it is brilliantly written. It made me think and feel, and that's what it is supposed to do.

Please, take whatever I say with a grain of salt. Like I said, I am not an expert, I can only tell you how I was moved by your poem.

*Clap* and it was nicely done!

JMariah *Quill*
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
31
31
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


*Smile*Hello Horsewoman,

My first impression of your poem is that it is absolutely beautiful in its simplicity. The love is so tenderly voiced with no fluff words of phrases. You said exactly what you wanted to say to portray your love and nothing more. Magnificent!

I read your poem twice, the second time soaking it in word by word. I love the last stanza, especially the last two lines. They put such a huge smile on my face *BigSmile* Then I made it a favourite. I will return to read more of your work.

Suggestions? None. I wouldn't change a single word of this poem!

Brilliantly crafted!
*Clap* Well done!

JMariah *Quill*
Invalid Review Open in New Window


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
32
32
Review of etchings  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hello LilacMist,

My first impression of your poem was WOW! this is beautiful! I like how you moved from general to specific and also how you compared the artist (who paints) to the artist (who writes).

Another comparison that really touched me was between the artist who "etches his soul onto white canvas" and you who desires to "pour all of myself onto the canvas of your soul". Such a deep and personal act!

You were very deliberate in your word choices when crafting this poem. And it is a masterpiece.

Suggestions? I found nothing in your poem that I would change.

*Clap* Well done!

JMariah *Quill*
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
33
33
Review of I Miss You Papa  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Naomi,

This is a beautiful poem, full of loving sentiments for your papa who has passed. I can definitely relate, as I lost my mother years ago.

It is inspiring that you discuss missing your papa with your mother. In conversation, you share the pain and make the hurt easier to bare. It is also inspiring that you thank your papa for everything (I assume, everything he did for all of you, everything he was to you).

A suggestion I would make would be to remove the words "you" and "remembering" from being on a separate line, in order to keep the acrostic lines. Like this:

P APA , life is never the same without you
A lways and forever thinking of you
P APA, Thank You for everything
A person so great we always keep remembering.

*Clap* Well done!

JMariah


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
34
34
Review of FAMILY  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Smile* Hi Naomi,

First of all, I would like to thank you for visiting my portfolio and reviewing some of my work. I thought I would do a return review.

This poem is very touching. You have described the family using such words as love, memories, warmth, embrace. You have focused on the positives of family life.

It is creatively written. I really like how you started with an acrostic.

My only concern is that it seems one-sided, painting the family as a perfect unit, forever providing love and support. Maybe that's how it should be in a perfect world, but that's not the way it is, necessarily, in real life.

Overall, I think this is a beautifully written poem. It is touching and relatable.

Well done *ThumbsUpGreen*

JMariah


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
35
35
Review of Interloper  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BurstY* Hi Zeke,

I love this poem. This definitely speaks to me. I love dandelions! In fact, I was called a dandelion once, as an insult. And I wrote about how this was actually not an insult to me, but an honour.

You use some beautiful descriptions. Some of those lines are:
"In exquisite tints"
"In dulcet tones of beauty"
"It forms a yellow blanket"
"With relentless animus"
"The dandelion / Is a grass interloper"

The only thing that didn't work for me, was the line "Its color is wrong". This line is a weak argument to why the dandelion has to be cut down. Oh wait, I rethink this. Perhaps you are eluding to one's race, the colour of a person's skin. Now, that would be on a different level altogether, making this brilliant! I change the rating from 4 to 5 stars.

You cause controversy with the last stanza. You say that it is true, that if beauty doesn't fit, it must be gone (removed, destroyed). This makes me want to disagree and fight for the right for beauty to stand. This is brilliant. You stirred action in me. And if in fact you are referring to race in the previous stanza, then this word "true" moves me to anger. Either way, you have made me feel.

I love this poem
Well done *ThumbsUpGreen*


JMariah


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
36
36
Review of Frustration  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hello Zeke,

First of all, thank you for commenting on so many of my poems. I thought I would do a return review.

Your poem touched me, as I've been in this position before. So I could relate to what you wrote about. I particularly like the second stanza. Every line is meaningful. You can feel sorry for a person going through a difficult time, and they don't want your help and even get angry with you, so you feel powerless to help. This concept is well described.

The last two stanzas nicely wrap up the concern, by offering a solution. This is a great way to end the poem.

Corrections I would suggest are in the first stanza. You have written each line as if they are all complete sentences, but they are not. Line 1 can be a sentence by itself, but then it is completed by line 2 (which cannot stand alone). So the question mark should come at the end of line 2 (not after line 1). The same goes for lines 3 and 4.

Overall, I think you did a good job getting your idea across in this poem.
Well done *ThumbsUpGreen*

JMariah


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
37
37
Review of First Frost  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi Jo,

*Snow2* This is a beautiful poem. You chose words very well to paint the picture of frost. I could totally relate to the view you described. The power of this poem is also in its brevity. You described exactly what you wanted in as few and succinct words as possible. The last two lines really drove the poem home, giving this poem a very powerful ending. I couldn't find anything that I would write differently.

*ThumbsUpGreen* Well done,

JMariah


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
38
38
Review of I want to go back  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Lila Renee *Ha*

I found your poem in the "Browse By Type" section. It is a very heart-felt poem.

The Message: The message of this poem is one I can relate to. For me, it was my son who changed, till I no longer recognised him. Your poem spoke the words that my heart felt for him.

Confusing part: One part that I thought was a bit confusing was in the last stanza. The first line states that the change is so final, then the last line says
"...praying you find the real you again". How can he find his real self again, if the change is final?

There's Hope: But take heart, I know the change doesn't have to be final. My son today, has changed his life around and living respectably. He has found his real self again. It can happen for your nephew, too. Keep praying for him, if that's what you believe. And never give up on him.

Thank you for posting this poem, written from your heart.
I wish you all the best.

JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
39
39
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Rhyssa *Delight*

I found your poem in the "Read and Review" section. Wow! What a dynamic poem you wrote!

*AsteriskG* From the very first 2 lines,

they trapped me
in copper and iron,

I was drawn into your poem. I love how the theme of cogs, clockworks, dials, gears, ticking, rhythm and pistons ran through the whole poem. You not only made me hear the Zeppelin but feel it as well.

*AsteriskO* And you ask Can you hear it? and Can you feel it? Well, I went to YouTube to search for a video where I could hear the sound, and after I returned to your poem and read it again and again, yes, I could hear it, I could feel it.

*AsteriskB* My favourite lines:

dials and gears
grinding their teeth,

ticking time out of existence,

attacking the universe
with the turn of a dial.

*Asterisk* Wow! This is such a powerful poem full of sharp imagery. Excellent word choices!
Well done! *ThumbsUp*


JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
40
40
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Bodhisattwa Parekh *Delight*

I totally agree with your little article. Although the word "Revamping" is usually used for doing a makeover of a building or a room, to renovate, redecorate in order to improve the appearance of a structure, I do understand what you are talking about here. You are talking about "Editing".

Yes, editing is extremely important before publishing. I have been reading a lot of novels lately, and have been quite disappointed with grammatical errors, type-o's, spelling mistakes and punctuation errors I've found. It's appalling! It's as if the writers don't care so much about producing something with excellence as much as producing something they can quickly sell to make money.

You made some valid points about what should be edited in writing:
boring pockets
unnecessary additions
approximate readability

I'm glad you mentioned that there are others things to look for, as there are so many others (as I mentioned a few).

I thought, as this is posted as an article, that you could have elaborated more on the points you did cover, or even briefly mention others. I say this because when people read an article, they want to come away from it with something significantly substantial, as opposed to simply reading the obvious. Articles are a great place to expand on points, give examples, even show some editing techniques.


Then, formating your article into paragraphs, with like sentences together, improves the readability of the article.

Good start *ThumbsUp*


JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
41
41
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Keven *Delight*

I came across your poem in the "Read and Review" Section. It is really quite funny and read like a children's fairytale.

What worked for me: I really enjoyed the rhythm of the poem. It was very easy to read and very cleverly pulled off. On a technical note, the first lines of most of the stanzas have 7 beats, switching between 2 and 3 feet per line (mostly 3). This gave the rhythm a bit of variety without interrupting the overall flow. Well done! The rhyme scheme was brilliant, except for a couple of lines. This poem has a "sing-song" appeal and reminded me somewhat of "The Owl and the Pussy Cat". Of course, the story itself worked for me, too. It was funny and entertaining. I especially liked the sound words in the line:

Then crickety crack from the sack on Jack's back,

*Turtle1*

What didn't work for me: The rhyme scheme changed from the first stanza to the second (having only two feet in the first line and 6 beats). This didn't interrupt my reading the first time through, but on consecutive reads, this stanza's rhythm didn't fit with the rest of the poem. The first stanza has an internal rhyme, all the rest have an internal rhyme and an end rhyme. Then when it was switched back in the second to last stanza, it was jarring. The switch was much more noticeable then and sounded clumsy to me. Also, in line 13:

Said Mary to Reg I must quickly lay eggs to ensure there's a new generation.

I felt this line needed the word "a" in there, as the line seemed to drop off abruptly toward the end. This is a very minor point, but one that stood out significantly enough for me that it was noticeable. BTW, in the 6th stanza, did you mean for the first line to stand alone, or was that a type-o? The first time I read your poem, I read this line as if it was a bridge between two separate parts. For the following readings, I read it as simply a type-o.

*Turtle2*

Overall: I found your poem to be brilliantly written, technically sound, and most of it, rhythmically pleasing to the ear. I found it funny and entertaining.

Very well done! *ThumbsUpGreen*

JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
42
42
Review of Cells  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Fyn, *Delight*

I found your poem in the "Browse By Type" section and really enjoyed what you did with the word "Cells"

*Pencil* What worked for me: I enjoyed the creative way you moved through the changing meanings of the word "cells". The poem also has a nice rhythm, making it easy to read, moving from one line to another.

*Pencil* What didn't work for me: I found you over-told your points, leaving nothing for the reader to uncover or discover. There was no "Ah ha!" moment, as you laid everything down in wordy explanations.

*Pencil* My suggestion: Instead of telling your readers what you are about to tell them, then telling them. How about skipping the first 4 lines altogether. Your poem could start with you just laying out the 3 meanings of the word "Cells" and allow your readers to finish with "Oh wow! I never saw it like that before!" Especially, when you leave them with the lines
"trapped
within their screens"
as if they are in cells of their own making. This is a profound idea to end with.

The title already lets your readers know what you are writing about. You could do something like this:

First, minute bit of life
which when combined with others
becomes something more.

Then, a jail space meant to confine
a body (of cells) when incarcerated.

Now, a cellular phone.

Oh, how the people (those bodies of cells)
spend their time,
whether walking or sitting
staring at their cells
trapped
within their screens.

In this way, you allow the reader to do the thinking, without you laying everything out for them. In a story or an article, this would be expected. But in poetry, readers are looking for that discovery.

Realize that this is just my opinion, just to get you thinking about the overall presentation of your poem. I do love the idea you wrote about. As I mean to inspire and encourage you, I hope I've been of some help.


JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
43
43
Review of Control  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Sphere Writer *Delight*

I found your poem in the "Browse By Type" section. I found it intriguing, but confusing at the same time. I'll tell you why.

*Shock2* The Message: I think what you are saying in your poem is that you are a mixture of many emotions, and that the writer part of your personality is in control. I could be wrong, but that's what I got from the read.

*FacePalm* Confusing Lines:
And yet I'm patient. This line doesn't seem to transition well after the first two lines, because it doesn't seem to related to them.
My heart's on fire.
Boiling like water.
These two lines are confusing as you are relating them both to your heart, yet using opposing elements to do it - fire and water.
Yet I show no signs. I don't know what this line is supposed to mean. Signs of what?

*Smile* The Ending: The rest of the poem, I really like. That's the part that actually spoke to me. I can identify with the cage you have built for yourself and the emotions that are your companions. The fact that the writer part of you is in control, speaks to me of writing you own story. And that is an awesome point to leave your readers with at the end of your poem. And if I hadn't read past the difficult lines at the beginning, I would have missed the powerful ending. These last lines are powerful; the tone is one of strength for yourself, and giving your readers the hope that they can achieve the same for themselves.

*Ha* Well done, with the last half of this poem. It is brilliant! I hope you can use some of what I've said about the opening to make this piece really come together.


JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
44
44
Review of Chasing Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Lizzie *Delight*

I came across your poem in the "Browse By Type" section. The title intrigued me, so I thought I'd give it a read.

*ButtonB* The Message: I think the message of your poem is that people tried to warn you about not having lofty dreams when looking for love, but that you wouldn't listen. This comes across well, until the last line
And now my heart, it glistens
Until then you talk about being broken, about bruises and mistakes, then your heart now glistens. This is confusing for me, unless you mean that by not listening to the people, you found love, that the people were wrong. But this doesn't come across in the poem. Also, in the line
Too many bruises, hidden from the sun
the phrase "hidden from the sun", doesn't seem to fit the sense of the poem, but seems to have been put in to rhyme with the next line.

*ButtonG* The Rhythm and Rhyme: I found that your poem had a solid rhythm. The lines flow very well from one to the other. The rhyme scheme also works well for this poem. I like that the last line is shorter than the rest; it seems to punctuate the final point.

*ButtonP* Overall: I think you have done well in writing this poem. It is worth doing some tweaking.

Good job


JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
45
45
Review of Peace  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi RJSimonson,*Delight*

I came across your poem in the "Browse by Type" section and thought I would take some time to send you a review.

*WaterDrop* Tone: I read you poem several times, I have to admit that the tone is one of peace. The short lines and some of your word choices help bring out this tone (tranquility, calm, slowly, swaying, serene, peace).

*WaterDrop* Rhythm: Your poem flows very easily from line to line, and I found myself reading it in a very peaceful voice as if soft music was playing in the background. The words definitely had that effect.

*WaterDrop* Meaning: Where I struggled the most was in the meaning of several lines you use to support the message of peace. For instance:
Everything is within its rhyme.
I'm not sure what this line means. Does everything (living and non-living) have a rhyme? Its own personal rhyme? This was confusing to me.
The spirit gleams in the calm balance of
acceptance and happiness.
Here you mention the spirit (not one of the three parts of the self previously mentioned). But, again, I don't know what these lines are supposed to mean. Are you saying that the spirit gleams (shines, reflects light from) the balance between acceptance and happiness? Why must there be a balance between acceptance and happiness for the spirit to gleam? Are they opposing forces? Acceptance comes from outside, unless you mean self-acceptance, which shouldn't affect the spirit if one is to have peace. And what is calm balance, as opposed to rough or turbulent balance?
These lines, and others, caused me to stop and ask, "What does that line mean?" and "How is that line related to the next?"

*WaterDrop* Overall: I think you have created a peaceful sounding poem, tranquil in its tone and the short lines really support the tone. I think this poem is worth revising. It isn't easy to describe a concept like peace or happiness. Keep going. Remember that this is just one person's opinion, one person's perspective of your poem, neither right nor wrong. Others reading it may see something totally different. I hope some of what I put down is helpful to you.

I wish you well,
JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
46
46
Review of Indifference  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Sally,

I came across your poem in the "Browse By Type" Section. I chose to review it, because I found it quite interesting.

Theme: The poem is entitled "Indifference" and you definitely portrayed the right tone, perfectly well, I might add.

Rhyme and rhythm: Your rhythm and rhyme worked very well for this poem. I thought the second to last line could be written without the "&" sign at the beginning, as it didn't need the extra syllable for fit into the rhythm.

Short lines: I feel the short lines really work well for the tone of "indifference".

Last lines: I didn't feel that the second to last line worked well for the poem, it feels a little vague, not bad, just a little weaker than all the rest. The last line was brilliant. I got the feeling that the character was shrugging his shoulders in defeat while saying it.

You captured the sense of indifference so very well in this poem.

Well done!*ThumbsUp*
Keep up the good work,

JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
47
47
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Rishi,

First let me say Welcome to WdC!*Party*
I found your poem in the "Read a Newbie" section. The original form is so beautiful and looks like graceful art.

First impression: I read your poem twice. At the end of both readings, my reaction was "WOW!" Your poem hit me in such a profound way.

Word choices: You told your message succinctly. And I can imagine that meanings can get lost in translations, when searching for a word with the exact meaning you are reaching for. But you managed to write a powerful poem in spite of that challenge.

Contrasts: Your poem is filled with very distinct contrasts, between: hope and despair; disbelief and faith; insults and honor; love and lust; silence and noise; humans and humanity. You talk about bridges of disbelief and tight ropes of faith, as if the disbelief is an easier path to take than that of faith.

My favourite lines: The last stanza.
The truth ultimately seems to be,
That in this world crowded with humans;
There seems to be an emptiness of humanity.

These lines are so powerful and perfect to end the poem with.

Title: You chose the perfect title for this poem.

Overall: I love this poem. It speaks volumes to me. It was easy to read; lines flowed well together. The sense was not obscured by fluff. You said exactly what you wanted to say to get your point across. I found no spelling mistakes or grammatical errors.


Thank you for posting. I can't wait to read more of your work.
JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
48
48
Review of Youth  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Cian. Welcome to WdC! *Party*

This is a very interesting story you wrote on the pain of aging, entitling it Youth. I suppose you can classify it as a story: it has a beginning, a middle and an end.

You wake up. - This is as good a place as any to start your story
You find that 20 years have been lost behind you. - lost, used up, gone - I have 3x 20 behind me! *Laugh*
You remember youth. - then, young adulthood, then midlife...etc.
You remember the good times. - and the bad
But it is too late to go back. - it's not too late, you can't go back
You are older now. - everyone is older now

That's life! You simply wrote about aging, or the passing of time, not the pain of aging and definitely not Youth. Different stories altogether!

Thanks for sharing. It was fun looking at this philosophically. *ThumbsUp*
Cheers,
JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
49
49
Review of This is my love  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hello Serpentman. Welcome to WdC!

Here at WdC, we write and post our own words, read and review others' words. Everybody who reads your work will have their own perspective on what you have written. Each review you receive is just one person's opinion. I'm going to give you some tips, before I review what you have written - you'll see why.

Tips:
I applaud you for wanting to write a poem about your love, a poem expressing your "devotion to the one who brought joy into your life". What is it about this love interest that makes you want to shower this person with your devotion? Maybe make a list. What wonderful things can you say about this person (who they are, what they do, how much they mean to you?) Maybe make a list. How does this person make you feel when you're together? When you're apart? Make a list. When you have examples of what you want to say about this person, take your points and turn them into a poem about your love.

Review:
Now, let's look at what you wrote.
"Some words of wisdom don’t shine - is this positive or negative?
Sweets don’t turn brine" - is this positive or negative?
This is the beginning of your love poem to your love interest, that says nothing of your love for or devotion to the person. What is it that these two lines are saying about your love? That her words don't shine? Or she's not sweet enough? I'm sure that's not what you want to say about this person who brought joy into your life. Now, is it possible to reword or rewrite those lines to say what you really want to say?

"I adore you morning till evening" - lovely sentiment!
Want to worship your shrine - Ok, so I see here you are writing in the positive. Good for you. This is what someone wants to have written about them. Now, can you think of a way to make the whole poem positive like this?

If you are willing to do a rewrite and send it to me. I will go over it and update the rating on this poem. Of course it's totally up to you. I'm simply offering you a little help, if you want it. Afterall, that's what we're all here for.

Best wishes with your writing,
JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
50
50
Review of Whisk Me Away  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Mapsy. Welcome to WdC! *Party*

I came across your piece of writing under the "Read a Newbie" section, and was quite moved by it.

I really enjoyed the images you were able to conjure up in my mind as I read through your encounter on the beach. You totally drew me into your surroundings, which is what writing is supposed to do. Well done.

I also enjoyed the correlation between leaving the beach and having sorrow come flooding back, then the use of the word flail (as if drowning). Very well done. The use of the phrase direction less is awkward and not grammatically correct. But I love how you end the piece with the memory of the beach that beckons you back.

What didn't work so well for me is the tone in the wording when you described leaving the beach. At the beach, you used such powerful imagery to make me what you were portraying. Then when you wrote of the sadness upon leaving the beach, the tone was more one of telling, not showing; being mechanical, not emotional. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say here. On the beach you reached my heart *Heart* with your descriptions. Leaving, you appealed to my head *Brain* with mere words. Maybe that makes more sense.

You have this listed as a draft. Well, whatever form you decide for the final piece (poetry, prose, part of a short story), I believe it's worth working on. Writing should make your readers feel. And you did this for me with this piece of writing.

*Clap* Good for you,
JMariah *Quill*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
80 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 4 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://webx1.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/poetjmariah/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2