I really liked this piece. at first glance you think it is just lines stating what you are tired of. Even though that may be true, it was written with flow. I especially enjoyed that the rant seemed to somehow be 'placed togehtr' with some care.
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First happy anniversary!
I like the words a lot. In some places they seem to stick and also some words could be ommited IMO. I amnot a professional but am just offering my opinion and trying to help the best I can. Please understand my words are not to be hurtful.
first, maybe break this down into stanzas (I think that is what they are called...see, I know so little)
there seems to be places where if you have someone read it to you (believe me that helps see where my work sticks) you can see where some words are tricky.
overall, great words. just a bit editing needed. again, just my opinion. write on!
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to give you my opinion, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
The poem is of sadness and perhaps a little madness.
Suggestions:
I like a lot of the lines, but some of them didn't seem to fit (to me). In the first stanza, the mon is showing? is there a window there because you mention closed in walls. or perhaps you are feeling a different sort of walls closing in. it left me just a little confused.
the verses seem to contradict at times. I think if you edited a little more and didn't worry so much about rhyming (again my very humble opinion) it would turn out to be a great piece.
What I Iiked Most: "Like a nightmare coming alive
The pain and fear collide" Love it!
Summary: I think you show great talent and hope that you will work on this piece as it can be wonderful if just edited a bit.
How mneat it must be for you to look back on your first post and see where you have grown. Thank you for sharing this with us...me for the first time.
I like your style of writing, both poetry and essay form:)
My father always had older cars. he took such care of them that you thought you were riding in a limo. My favorite was the lincoln (year??1969?) with suicide doors. When i pulled up to my very snooty catholic school in that car, people stared. They always thought we had more money then we really did for the care that was taken with all our items, especially anything belonging solely to my father was perfectly maintained.
thank you for sharing this story. it brought back some memories for me as well.
and I know people who have little in their homes or apartments that drive cars that could buy a house, paid in full if they just downgraded those wheels:P
Second; I am unfamiliar with the different styles and types of poetry out there. I am truely a beginner. what a wonderful place to pick up some tips, help, and to learn more about the words I put down on paper.
Third; I understand you had to follow a certain pattern, it is unbelievable the beauty of your words do not show that you were counting anything as you wrote. I could picture a scene of a thunderstorm ready to let go of her fury!
Fourth: you inspire me to try my hand at this form! Thank you:)
This is quite beautiful. I can imagine the scene. I am not sure if it is my computer or yours that makes it look like there are extra space between your words, but it appears there are???
I love the way you were able to rhyme while keeping the flow.
I wanted to say happy WDC birthday and came to review your poem.
I lie the words you speak a lot. However, there needs to be some serious editing done. I am not a professional by any means, but spelling errors are very evident. also if you reread it, you might find some words need to be added or subtracted.
As I read this, I took it as being very personal. Almost like a too do list for letting go or a pep talk to yourself.
I did not check for grammar or spelling errors as this was not a poem (to me). I hope that writing down your feelings helped you and will help others learn to let go when they need to as well:)
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Again, happy anniversay!!!!
I loved the imagry, the words you spoke so well of being alone.
I had only a couple of comments and please remember these are only my thoughts and I am not a professional editor.
third stanza..
I have finally come to understand,
This is what it is,
To lose
are you conveying what it feels like??
again, the dots:P LOl I also put them in my poem a lot. I have been told, they are distracting. I am not sure if they are needed as they draw the eye away from the beautifully words you wrote.
I loved this. My only question is is there a need to end a lot of you lines with the dots..I am not sure what they are called in the 'writer's world' but they seem unneeded. BTW, I use them a lot as well. I think it is because I naturally stop and pause when I write and think.... see! there they are:) I am not sure the reader needs to pause though.
I thought the poem was cheerful and uplifting and a enjoyable read!
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