I enjoyed reading your poem. You have used wonderful rhthym and rhyme to make this read as excellent prose. I haven't read one as good in quite awhile. It is an age old story but uniquely brought to life. I wouldn't change a thing. Sorry such things have a need to be written and hope this wasn't something that happened to you.
Keep it up!
Khaynne
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I enjoyed reading your bio. It must be very gratifying to have published your first book. I am sorry you feel it is a curse. I find it to be the most wonderful way to get away for a while. And, I can even make things right atleast on paper. Congrats on the book and hope it will become more fun for you in the future. Good work!
This is the third in a series of 4 reviews of your port. I hope my comments are of help.
What I liked
Your honestly and clear realism in this piece is a great tool in setting the mood for this piece. I think the 'moisture from the eyes' phrase really says alot for the mood here. For a man to admit to crying is great stuff in itself. This evoked the right amount of sadness without being pathetic.
What I Might Change
I guess I would have to have you explain brilliantly relaxed.
Grammar and Spelling
Again, you have shown respect for your own work by presenting it clean with no gramatical errors and no typos. Good work!
Because I am a romantic at heart I truly enjoyed this.
I found this piece very moving, with such realism it even brought memories back to me as well. Very nice. You may want to do a proof read. this is a good habit to get into. I found the rhyme to be good but the rhthym lacking.
Keep it up!
Khaynne
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This was real cute and I enjoyed reading it. In a very few words you have told a very cute story. Word useage is fine although I think you should either bring the entire thing together and not have a break in the middle or find it some where else.
This was well written. I happened to be unemployed at the time of this horror and so I set and watched the news while I filled out aps and waited for call backs. Your word useage is good and you understand rhyme and rhthym. It all seems to work well.
Thank you for sharing this wonder of our pathetic modern world. We can text message but can we keep our animal species going-No! I am glad people like you chose to make these experieces available to such as myself. Your writing is fine. You untilize all the basic writing elements. Thank you for sharing!
Keep it up!
Khaynne
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I did find your piece to be interesting. It had some very good points and delivered some very nicely written passages. You have a good eye for the written word. Nicely done!
I really enjoyed reading your poem. It has very nice rhthym and rhyme. It evoked the sweet nystolgic feelings of pure friendship and all the goodness that goes with it. Nicely done. I wouldn't change a thing.
Keep it up!
Khaynne
My review has been submitted for consideration in
"Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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I thoroughly enjoyed reading your short story. It's beginning compelled me to read on. You told a very poignant and exciting tale. You described the events very well and though I think you could use a few more descriptive words you still have done a good job.
I guess I am voting as much on the outcome as on the question itself. Freedom of religion? Since when? We can't pray in the schools anymore. We have little or no rights if we don't go along with the over baring religion. True freedom ,of religion or anything else,
is a joke. Sad thing is, no one is laughing.
I wish you knew the very flare this poem has. Your word choice and imagery is wonderful. I have one thing that I felt did not set right with me. Your ending to the fourth stanza seems to let it down. A dogs woof after these other strong phrases. Just my opinion.
I enjoyed reading your poem. Though plane it says alot. I think you could use a little more discription in the first two lines. Part of the delight in writing, I find, is finding that perfect word to help the reader see exactly what your trying to put across. What type of stream is it? Beautiful? Exciting? What? Bring it to life!
I enjoyed your chapter alot. The intro compelled me to read on. I really feel that this is professional work. You have utilized all the basic elements of writing crisp, fine fiction. I would do a reread and edit because I did find some typing errors. You should be proud of a very nice start.
Your story caught my eye because I had just had a conversation recently about just that. This evoked feelings of family and ofcourse, love. You have a very nice style and you use all the elements nicely. I would not change anything. It is too charming just the way it is.
Very affective and interesting opening to your story. Nicely spaced, good word useage and conversation that keeps the story moving. All the elements for a very good stort story. I enjoyed reading your piece very much and I wouldn't change a thing.
You have a good use of the basics. I think the opening could be more engaging. Conversation moves the story along. Pretty basic word useage. Are the characters living this story or are you just telling the story? You might want to think about that. These are just my ideas.
I truly enjoyed the way you choice to treat this. The rhthym is a bit off but I think it works well. You use very simple language and it does all you want it to do. It evokes a tender feeling of warmth. I wouldn't change a thing.
What is life if not to spend time with and learn from those we love? I have some of those little ones around myself and they are precious. They drive me crazy some times but what is the alternative? We make our sacrafices and look at the reward? Enjoy!
You have written an outstanding piece with truth, realism and stength. "Because there is not a darkness."
This is how we learn the really important lessons of life.
We live. We feel. We write. We fight. I would not change a word of your piece. I wish you well in your coming years.
I enjoyed reading your poem very much. Like a breath of fresh air. It had rhyme and a good rhythm. Very nicely done. It had all the elements of a professionally written piece. The idea was nicely handled as well.
This was a good read. I enjoyed the information inparted here. Word useage, structure and form all worked well, Conversation moved the story along. I wouldn't change anything. Good work!
Keep it up!
Khaynne
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