Well, you certainly have got my attention. This is an incredible story. I am definitely hooked. Right from the very first line, you draw the reader in. As they continue to read the mystery of Bill's whereabouts increases.
My only suggestion for this story would be to separate the lines of dialog from the rest of the story. It makes it much easier for us to read. Everything else in my opinion is perfect.
I have got to hand it to ya Goth, you have once sick mind! Stories such as these certainly get the readers attention. You even did it with a 69 word one. Bravo! For some reason the word "psycho" came to mind.
I didn't see one thing wrong with this. Keep up the gruesome work!
I think this guy got himself into a very bad predicament. I don't think Mary is coming home either. The poor guy really lost his marbles. I shouldn't make fun of the situation but I have a sick sense of twisted humor at times.
I didn't come across any technical issues with this story and there are no spelling errors. Good work.
I think that this is an adorably sweet and romantic poem. Love is certainly in the air in this one!
I don't see any issues with the form of this poem but I did find the meter slightly rough in a few places. Read over it and see if you can even out some of the longer lines.
All of the spelling is correct and there are no errors in punctuation. Nice work.
I truly belive that this poem has something to offer and has a great message attached to it, however, I found it very difficult to read. I wasn't sure how to put the words that are running down the page together. This is the first time I have come across a poem of this style.
On a lighter note, I didn't see any spelling errors in this poem.
I seem to be drawn to this genre lately and I thoroughly enjoyed this prologue. You have a solid storyline and your character, VanHelsing is quite believeable.
I did see a few issues with the composition of this story. I am going to make some suggestions I feel would improve the overall look and feel of this story.
First, you need to separate each of your paragraphs with a space. I see that you have them all starting when they should you just need to, in laymens terms, hit the spacebar to create a separation between them.
Secondly, all of the conversation, by any character, should be on a line of its own. This helps the reader determine who is speaking.
Thise are the only two things that stand out. There were no spelling errors and from what I can tell all of the proper punctuation is used. I look forward to reading more of this story. Please let me know when you have more posted.
If this short is a look into the type of work we can expect from you then we are all extremely lucky. I don't suppose it would have anything to do with that fact that you are a doctural student in Psychology now would it?...
Seriously though, I found this intro quite fascinating. You have a good grasp on who you are and what motivates you. I can see that your writing skills are already great, as this piece has no errors.
I look forward to reading more of your work and getting to know you.
Oh no! I just realized that it's too late..I am lost in the Hades of cerebral gluttony that is Writing.com. You are truly amazing and so is this short. I got such a kick out of reading it you can't even imagine.
This is a very deep and thought provoking poem. I sense you have a great deal to say but you aren't sure exactly how to articulate it. The overall poem looks at a person from the inside. I shows the reader that this person is feeling lost and alone.
Looking at the technical merits of this poem I have to say that I am not a huge fan of slang. The phrase "there ain't no," would read much better in proper english as "there isn't anyone," or something of that nature.
I do realize that this is your poem and only you can determine what is best for it but I thought I would share my thoughts with you.
If I didn't know any better, I could say that I wrote this about myself. I was in this situation more times than I care to remember. It's amazing how much women have in common when it comes to insecurities. This is a great story and it shows the reader that we are all vulnerable. If you man loves you, then trust in that love and be happy.
I must say that you paid great attention to detail for this story; there are no errors. Great job!
I personally would never work the graveyard shift anywhere, especially at a gas station. So many images came to mind as I read this story. I was worried about what was going to happen when the attendant put his hand on the gun. The suspense you built for that part was great.
The form for this piece could use a bit of tweaking. In its current form, it lacks structure. I looks more like a story than a poem. On a lighter note, there were no errors found. Good work Duke.
Self destruction; it seems that so many people these days are heading straight to it. The worst part about it is that they don't even know.
Your poem raises some great points that make the reader stop and think. The last stanza for me was the most powerful.
Overall, I felt that this was a great poem however, there are a few places where the meter is rough. In the grand scheme of things it isn't a big deal but i thought I would bring it to your attention in case you wanted to smooth it out.
What a wonderful revelation when one finally discovers who they are meant to be. I can easily relate to this because it happened to me not so long ago.
Looking at your poem as a whole; I feel it needs some work. The use of the lowercase 'i' in my opinion, needs to be corrected. It reminds me of someone who is careless and can't be bothered to care about their work. There is also a need for capitalization.
I didn't see any spelling errors and all of the punctuation that you have included is correct but there is a need for more. When you read a sentence and have a natural pause; this is where something is needed.
I hope that you find my comments and suggestions helpful.
Oh you bad boy! I can't believe you gave this little girl such a hard time; shame on you. I have to admit this story is pretty funny. I mean, if you really think about it, what little boy doesn't like to cause trouble for little girls.
The overall composition of this story in my opinion is great. It contains all of the necessary elements to make a good story. I didn't see any errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation. Awesome Writing!
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I am amazed with your ability to create such wild imagery in your writing. This poem is fantastic! I can see these wicked little creatures all over the place. The stanza you have higlighted in red is the best. The only bad part about it is how true it is.
I didn't see any technical issues with this poem and all of the speling and punctuation are perfect.
*The opinions and suggestions expressed in this review are meant to assist the writer in editing their work. They are in no way meant to be disrespectful to the writer. Only the writer can choose what is in their best interest as far as their work is concerned.
You go girl! I really like the strong, self reliant personality you have built for this character. She is truly an independent woman.
Your spin on the classic fairy tale fits well with modern culture. It's fresh, hip and the kind of thing many young women should read.
The form of this poem doesn't need any work because it is well written and has good meter. It does need punctuation though. It would spruce this up and make it even better.
Okay, now that you have royally creeped me out I have to say that this is an awesome freakin story!!! It is amazing. You have put SO much life into this. The imagery, the mystery about the box, the suspense of what is going to happen next..WOW! Your surely have story telling down to an art.
This story is fabulous and there aren't any errors at all. Way to go!
You paint a vivid and colorful picture for your readers in this lovely poem. The way in which you describe the process of the leaves falling is mesmerizing.
The overall form of this poem is great and it has strong meter. I didn't find any spelling errors or technical issues.
I agree with you whole heartedly on some of the subjects you address in this brief look at your life. Mostly where you speak of dealing with respect. I find that the younger generation doesn't even know what the word means. They know they want it but have no clue how to attain it. That really burns my butt.
It would be very interesting to see how things turn out in the future. The way the world is now the picture might be very grim.
Looking at your story from a technical standpoint, I feel it needs some editing. It need to be broken down into smaller paragraphs and more space between them is needed. I didn't see any other type of error as I read through this. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
It's a shame to think that all we have left of love is a memory. Love is something that should last a lifetime and it can be found in the smallest of things. Never give up on love.
I found this poem to be very heart felt and personal. It tells the reader a story. Nice work.
I didn't find any issues with this poem and there are no errors.
I am glad that this piece is a drama because I would have been very worried otherwise. I was in a situation like this just over a year ago and if it weren't for my partner I may not have made it.
It's truly a shame that many women feel that this is the only way out. Support and faith is what gets you through the rough times.
Overall, I didn't see any glaring issues here. I think it could be separated into one two more more small paragraphs so it dodn't look so blocky. Keep up the good work.
I could feel your deep seeded sadness as I read this poem. No mother should feel abandoned by her children. You have expressed yourself well in this poem. Everything you said was tasteful when it could have easily been an angry rant.
I saw some issues with the rhyme pattern you have in this poem. It starts out strong and steady in the first two stanzas but then it is lost. I would chose to go one way or the other; keep it even throughout the entire poem or don't have one.
There is also a question of the use of ellipses. I don't feel they are necessary when writing. You can acheive the same effect with proper punctuation.
I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful.
I am in no way a sports fan but the mention of the Ouija board reeled me in. This is truly a fascinating story. I am sure there are the non believers out there who think this is as far fetched as a Ouiija board itself, but for me, I believe you 100%.
I always had a curiosity for Ouija boards however I never got to try one. Some of my friends did and they had some pretty wild stories to tell. Yours was great. It contained all of the elements need to keep the reader interested.
It's well written, easy to read and I didn't find any errors. Nice work.
I feel you have a good start to this story but the prologue doesn't give any indication to what the Silent Killer is. I also found this to be too short. The content is good but you need to expand on it. If you do that, I would consider breaking this piece up into smaller paragraphs. I hope my suggestions help.
Write On!
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Stories such as these certainly get the readers attention. You even did it with a 69 word one. Bravo! For some reason the word "psycho" came to mind.
