I can definitely tell why this piece won! The emotion is fantastic and I love the flashbacks.
Of course, I do have a few suggestions for improvement...
Again, line break! It'll really help readers, I promise. Just having that space between paragraphs makes the piece so much more accessible.
A couple grammatical notes...
“Cancer, are you sure?” [,]he asked the oncologist desperately.
No comma necessary here!
“How long…to live.”
If not a period, you need some form of punctuation where I put the period.
“Okay, maybe thinking wasn’t so good.”
Same note. Careful with this dialogue punctuation! I know it's tricky, but with a little more carefulness it'll give your writing a more professional feeling.
Hope this helps!
Hope this helps!
Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!
Another fantastic piece! The use of writing mL complements the prose itself, and the narrative is strong and is full of your personal voice. The figurative language adds to the story without overwhelming it. Overall I enjoyed reading this piece immensely.
Just one note for improvement:
My search had come to a halt for weeks;[,] however, there was a woman that had a search of her own going on and it lead her to me.
A wonderful tribute and a wonderful piece about 9-11 that exalts and appreciates those that have given their lives while still expressing your own opinions. Very tactfully and beautifully done. I enjoyed reading this piece immensely.
Adorable, absolutely wonderful tale! I sincerely enjoyed this piece! It's very cute, and you did a great job telling the story. I love the description and the way you bring the cat to life.
I only have one nitpicking:
Black fur rimmed her eyes like kohl, and above those great green eyes which sat above a pink nose.
I just thought it flowed better this way...But it's entirely up to you, of course!
I hope this helps! Thank you for sharing this piece!
This is an interesting piece, and one that I enjoyed. I like the idea behind it and think that you have a good, strong narrative voice throughout.
Blake is developed well as the main character, and I liked Tevon, too.
I do, however, have a few suggestions for improvement, and they have to do mostly with tense shifts and other grammatical errors that really did hinder this piece. Consider the following sentences:
He was a seasoned veteran and very skilled with the spear, even if he hasthough he had never earned a promotion.
Watch that tense. This sentence starts with past tense; I would keep it in past tense.
Blake felt the energy within the earth aspect and decided to see what his new found weoponweaponiswas capable of.
Since the beginning on this sentence was in past tense, I would keep it so.
I also found a few more miscellaneous grammatical errors.
The excitement was almost overwhelming. After a full days journey they were finally closing in on their destination.
Run on. I would change it as so.
Legends stated that giants live in these woods, but every intelligent being with some sincesense about them knew they were nothing more than just that, legends.
Just be careful.
This trip useused to be undertaken alone as it is a personal matter, but the dwarves’ border was simply totoo close.
What a hilarious piece! I enjoyed reading this. I don't blame ya for getting all defensive about your kids...parents tend to do that!
The grammar was very, very good in this piece, and there isn't really much for me to suggest for improvements. But here I go to nitpick:
Please paragraph space. This is the biggie, I think. It'll help readers a lot if you space this piece.
I felt that parentheses were a bit overused, especially in the beginning. Five long parentheses phrases in the first half sort of overdoes it. I would cut those down to maybe two.
I also felt the dashes were used too much, too. This is mainly directed toward the third paragraph.
Ack! That's my only nitpickings. This is a really great piece. The narrative is strong and clear and you've chosen a subject matter many can relate to. Great job!
Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!
What a sad, sad, poem, but still a wonderful tribute to those poor workers. It's great that you're writing about something that really happened, getting the word out. The dedication is touching and the poem itself quite good, too.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Eek. This was hard. I would take the comma out after 'tank collapsing under'. I think it's inappropriate there.
A lovely poem and a pleasurable read, Sue. I sincerely enjoyed this piece. The presentation was nice and neat, and I like the use of writing mL and think it was a good choice. The stanzas make it easy to read and complement the words themselves. The rhythm was great, and though I spotted a few imperfect rhymes, overall you did a great job with them, too. I like the message behind this piece and think you did a great job with it!
Suggestions for Improvement:
Ooh...this was hard...
First stanza, second line: I would take out 'out'. I think it throws the piece off a bit.
The imagery was abundant and just absolutely beautiful in this piece. I love the descriptive phrases! The rhyme scheme and rhythm was also good, and I enjoyed reading through this poem. It's very reflective and has a soothing tone. Great job! The image at the end is great, too, by the way.
Suggestions for Improvement:
I would change 'hope and sadness' to 'hope, sadness'.
I think the punctuation is weird in the latter half of the second stanza. I wouldn't have a period on the third to last line in that stanza.
'silver threaded clouds' should be 'silver-threaded clouds' or 'silver, threaded clouds' depending on what you meant.
'those flying dreams' throws off the rhythm. I would make it just 'flying dreams.'
Final Notes:
A great poem. With a little tweaking, I think it will be even better! Best of luck in the contest!
This is a lovely poem with a good rhyme scheme and short phrases that do create a 'drop by drop' feel. The imagery was good and I like the presentation - neat and centered, with clear stanzas. There were no blatant spelling or grammatical errors, and I can tell you put some thought and time into this piece! Thank you! I sincerely enjoyed the images you used and think you have a great poem here.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Ack! That's hard. In the first stanza, spills//will is not a perfect rhyme. But it's just a nitpicky thing, really.
This piece is hilarious! The rhyme scheme is great, the rhythm is great, the subject matter is great. I sincerely enjoyed reading this and laughed out loud several times. I think this is a poem we could all relate to, and for once the grammatical errors actually work. I love the use of the word 'me'.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Because I don't know whether the errors were purposeful or not, I thought I'd mention them anyway.
I won't let me['] self fail I don't think the apostrophe is appropriate here. I get the effect you're going for; I just don't think it works. I would take it out.
There's views, and ports, and graphs here I'm not so sure if you meant to do it or not.
Final Notes:
Overall a fantastic poem. I really enjoyed it. Thank you!
This is a lovely tribute to your mother and to all those who suffer from the loss of a loved one. I love the format you've taken to convey your message; the couplets are nice and the rhyme scheme is almost perfect. You have great word choice and a poignant emotion behind the words themselves. I couldn't find any typos or blatant errors, proof that you've looked at this more than once. Great!
Suggestions for Improvement:
First line: I would add a comma after 'Mom'. I also think the first two stanzas might look nice italicized.
The last two lines don't rhyme perfectly. I would just change it to 'Heaven's shore' so it has a better feel.
Final Notes:
This is a great poem. I hope this review helps! Best of luck in the contest!
Wow! This poem is fantastic. The rhyme scheme was great, the stanzas were good, the layout was neat and organized. There were no typos or grammatical or spelling errors, and you definitely put some thought into this! I thoroughly enjoyed this piece.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Eek. This is really hard.
For me, the last stanza just didn't feel as 'polished' as the others. I might take out the word 'while'; this way, the two parts of the stanza are grammatically correct as sentences. I think that might flow better.
Final Notes:
A really awesome poem. I enjoyed reading this! Best of luck in the contest!
Awww...this was a very sad poem, and just loaded with emotion. The image of the paper crane on the grave is one that I will remember for a while. The presentation is neat and I couldn't find any typos or blatant errors - very good!
Suggestions for Improvement:
I kind of wanted that paper crane to mean a bit more. Is there any reason why it's a paper crane? Was that an inside joke? a hobby? Just wondering.
Consider not capitalizing the first letter of every line, and instead capitalizing as one would naturally in prose.
Final Notes:
This is a great poem. I enjoyed reading it! Best of luck in the contest.
I enjoyed this poem. I like the use of onomatopoeia, and the unique descriptive phrases throughout. The figurative language wasn't stale, and contributed to the piece instead of just 'being there' like figurative language often does. I like the repetition, and think that it sets a nice back-rhythm to the pulse of this poem.
The presentation of this piece is nice and neat, and again, writing mL is used well and without overdoing it.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Consider italicizing the repetition of 'thud, thud, thud'.
After the word 'change', I think a semicolon might be more appropriate.
Final Notes:
Another fantastic poem. Hope my review helps!
Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!
This is a lovely poem, with a beautiful rhyme scheme and rhythm. You've done a great job pouring out your emotions in a way that others can relate to and understand. The presentation of this poem is neat; writing mL is used thoughtfully and not overdone. The stanzas are carefully constructed to complement the rhyme scheme.
Suggestions for Improvement:
I'm not sure if referring to your child as 'it' is too good of an idea. Even if you're trying to convey the idea that the child could be a boy or girl, I think you should stick to 'him'.
Final Notes:
Really a wonderful poem. I enjoyed reading this!
Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!
Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.
So I'm back for the final review of a massive request!
I enjoyed this chapter, and I'm glad to see that you've broken up the chapters into shorter increments. I think that'll lead to easier reading. Good choice!
So here we continue with the Clerics of Kant...I saw that you have the sixth chapter posted up, and I couldn't help it! I checked to make sure Theminor was alive. Anyway, I'm glad to see the two stories intersect...because I think we can assume the guy the Clerics found is our favorite barbarian!
Notes:
“I just wanted to, uh…” he stammered, “Toto thank you for the great lesson you gave us today. I never thought that you would be the one to actually teach us the Song of the Trees."
Should be like that.
I'm not sure if all the recalling works. If really distracts from the main plot and leaves the narrative fragmented. Maybe you should limit yourself to just one memory: either The Forester's planting ceremony of Guelah's past, not both.
Unlike the majority of new acolytes, Guelah had not struggled at accepting Verdigris, which was? [;] unlike even some of the Voices.
Incorrect semicolon use.
Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!
I love poetry with a purpose, and I enjoyed this piece. It's a bit abstract, and took me a couple reads to get 'something' out of it.
Your personal voice shines through the words, and reading this poem made me feel like I was actually hearing from you, perhaps in an intimate conversation setting.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Consider not capitalizing the first letter of every line, and instead playing around with it. I think that could lead to a few interesting results...
I'm not sure if bolding text within the poem works. I think it's just a bit too blatant. I would stick to just italics.
That's news in blaze
Missing an apostrophe here.
And he chuckedchuckled...
I think that's the word you meant.
Final Notes:
A poem that could benefit from a little more proofreading. You have some great material, here, though. If you ever go back and look over it once more, feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to change the rating.
What a lovely poem! I love the descriptive phrases and the longing that runs throughout this piece. I think you did a very nice job transporting the reader back to the days of classroom waiting, and this was definitely a pleasure to read.
The presentation is neat and error-free - I like how this poem is centered. I couldn't find any grammatical or spelling mistakes - you definitely proofread this over once or twice more!
Suggestions for Improvement:
Consider not capitalizing the first letter of every line, just to play with the visual presentation.
I don't understand how one would be looking at the moon if this is during the day in school. I think a rhyme with the word 'noon' might be interesting...
Final Notes:
A great pleasure to read, and a lovely poem! I enjoyed reading this. Best of luck in the contest!
Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.
This is an interesting piece, and kept me entertained the entire time. You have a good dose of wry humor (birthing a laptop, ha ha...) that's not so overly sarcastic it overwhelms the piece.
A few suggestions:
With the amount of cursing in this piece, I would make this 18+, just to be on the safe side.
When you change speakers in dialogue, you'll need to put a line of space between the changes.
I wish my laptop werewas lighter . . .
Should be 'was'.
I would italicize thoughts in this piece, because it does get a bit confusing at times.
Ok, so the body...[,]”
The body?
“...Has been in there for six months. . . .
I would format it as shown.
“Sir, is that your bag?[,]” she says while pointing to my carry-on.
Question mark instead of comma.
Hope this helps!
Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!
Thank you for requesting a review on "Invalid Item" .
What an interesting and lovely poem about what it means to love someone! I can tell you put some thought into this, and I like the different ways you show how to love someone.
I do, however, have some suggestions for improvement.
1. Consider not capitalizing the first letter of every line. Especially in free verse, I think playing with capitalization is a great way for additional reference. If you just capitalize the first letter of every line, that potential is gone.
2.Unless you're using incorrect grammar to purposely make a point, I think this poem should still try to make sense.
Until you are drenchdrenched in him
And only himhe
The next word is 'is', and no one says 'him is'.
Breath existexists
Till the fear is extinguishextinguished
3. I think this poem would look nice centered. That's just something to consider.
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What I Liked:
Wow! What a descriptive and lovely poem. I love the descriptive phrases in this poem! I can definitely see the backgrounds in reading poetry out loud: the words just float off my tong - er...mind!
Definitely some verbal candy here. I love the progression of the time. It's beautiful.
Suggestions for Improvement:
But of course, we have to have a couple of these....
Consider the capitalization, and not capitalizing the first letter of every line.
I also felt there was way too much punctuation here. If there wouldn't be a punctuation mark there naturally in prose, I wouldn't stick it in.
First stanza, second line: I would take out the semicolon, and put in a comma or a dash.
Third stanza, third line: I would replace the semicolon with a dash.
Second stanza, first line: I would substitute the semicolon for a comma.
Final Notes:
This is a wonderful poem! Thank you for sharing it!
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What I Liked:
The repetition with 'clickety-clack'. The onomatopoeia is great!
I love the description of the view. That stanza was quite nice.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Consider not capitalizing the first letter of every line.
Also, I don't think you should use semicolons if they would be grammatically incorrect in prose. A couple spots:
A screech; we slide,
I would actually just put a period in there instead of a semicolon.
Where some folks alight;
I would take out the semicolon altogether and not use any punctuation.
Also, here's a note about push and pull techniques. Consider these lines:
Stereos blare –
It must be loud
With sound so high,
Right in your ears.
Now consider this version.
Stereos
blare - it must be
loud with sound so
high rich in your
ears.
I'm not saying the other version is better, but do you see how this one has a different rhythm - a different 'pull' to the next line? Experiment with different types of pull. In this poem you use just the conventional caesuras and stops, and I would encourage you to play around with it and see how you can use rhythm to also emulate a train.
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What I Liked:
What a cute poem! I think it really captured a baby's first steps, and the description was amusing.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Consider not capitalizing the first letter of every line. Also, I felt that the punctuation was a bit overwhelming at times. I think the colon was a bit overused, especially in such a short poem.
Final Notes:
A poem with real potential. I look forward to seeing your other pieces of writing.
All the best,
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The emotion is fantastic and I love the flashbacks. 
I enjoyed reading this. I don't blame ya for getting all defensive about your kids...parents tend to do that! 
Suggestions for Improvement:
Final Notes:
In the first stanza, spills//will is not a perfect rhyme. But it's just a nitpicky thing, really.