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First off, I just want to let you know that there's a grammatical mistake in your item description. It should say 'its' fate (without the apostrophe) not it's fate. Bad grammar in the description might deter others from reading.
An interesting but sad poem. I like the way repetition is used and how the poem turns out in the end, even though it is a bit sad.
A couple pointers:
It Danced!
I was wondering why the 'd' is capitalized in Dance.
The shows they'd partake
I believe that there should be an 'in' right after 'partake'.
Hope this helps!
Thank you for your consideration, and please stop by our forum again!
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An interesting story you've got here! I enjoyed reading your piece.
I like the way it opened with immediate action - what a nice way to pull the reader into the story!
I did, however, have a few suggestions for improvement.
Firstly, please space between your paragraphs! It is very difficult to read a very long block of text; breaking it up will greatly facilitate any future readers.
His golden lochs
I believe "lochs" should be "locks".
I found your similes to be interesting and creative; however, I wasn't sure if they really worked in the context. "More wretched than a red sox homerun" might be humorous in a tale about two New Yorkers, but in your fantasy story it seems a bit out of place.
The word 'laugh' and its forms was used WAY too many times. I would go back and take some of the 'laugh's out so it isn't so repetitive.
Hope this helps!
Thank you for your consideration, and please stop by our forum again!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1307093 by Not Available.
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What a lovely, lovely piece! I really enjoyed reading this one. You have some beautiful descriptions.
The only suggestion I have for you is to consider not using so many dashes. I felt that many of them were unnecessary and actually stopped the flow in prose. You had around ten of those dashes, and I think you've used about five or six too many. Consider going back and taking out the unnecessary ones and putting in commas.
Keep up the great work!
Thank you for your consideration, and please stop by our forum again!
However, I have a few suggestions for improvement.
Try to stay away from passive verbs. You can make your piece so much stronger by eliminating wordiness from this piece. For instance:
Not that I was adopted, that I have always knewknown.
The same meaning is preserved without the wordy 'have'.
Try to stay away from forms of 'be' and 'have'. They generally just clog up your writing.
Example:
I have growngrew up knowing that I was thesomeone else's child of someone else, that you had givengave me away at birth.
Do you see how many unnecessary words are in this sentence? Making your prose tighter and more concise will afford you a greater sense of flow in your writing.
Just remember that these are just suggestions. None of your sentences are grammatically INCORRECT, they're just dense and wordy. I'm sort of picking on you because you have some great stuff here that can really shine with a little bit of work.
A really lovely bunch of poems that I had so much fun sifting through. You have some wonderful writing here, and I look forward to seeing this collection of inspiring poetry grow!
I like the way that you brought the poem to a hopeful message even though you started out with some pretty despairing words. Nicely done!
A few suggestions for improvement:
Consider stanzas! I think they might complement this poem nicely.
I felt that the poem left off a bit abruptly. Perhaps a period at the end of the last line would help...
All the rhyme (even the approximate ones) worked for me - except for love//distrust. Consider this change:
All I’ve ever longed for was [honesty and real love] real love and what was just
This way, the rhyme scheme would work out better! I think there's probably a better way to incorporate a perfect rhyme word in; mine was just an example.
Finally, a really little suggestion - consider centering this poem. I think it might look nice that way!
Another poem employing the use of repetition to get the message across - well done! I love the images you've selected to convey your own personal sense of beauty and you pulled off the meaning without becoming too sappy.
I've only got one really nitpicky suggestion for you.
Consider playing with capitalization and italics in this poem. I think if the repeating refrain of 'that's beauty' was set apart in some way through color or italics, the effect would be really cool!
Another lovely poem! I liked the use of repetition of the first line at the end of the the poem - it lent the piece a nice feel of a full circle.
I noticed you used a lot of approximate, not exact, rhyme in this poem. I felt that it worked in the most part; however, the very first rhyme, wind//end, didn't really work for me. Instead of:
Born to find freedom, and for the pain to end.
Consider:
Born to find freedom, and to leave the pain behind
A short poem with powerful images that make a big impact! I enjoyed reading this poem of yours.
My only suggestion for improvement concerns the second-to-last line, which to me felt a little bit long compared to the other lines in the poem. Could it be shortened some how?
This poem is a bit darker than the other two I've read so far, but you managed to pull off despair with aplomb. Great use of rhyme scheme and strong words to create an impact in such a short poem.
A few suggestions for you:
First stanza, second line - this concerns those pesky syllable counts again! To make this line match all the others, I would take out the word
'with' because it is unnecessary and the same meaning can be conveyed without it.
“Please help me before I fall apart,”[,]
I believe the comma should go inside the quotation marks!
Another lovely poem! The first two stanzas are especially strong, and I was captivated by the flawless rhythm and flow. I enjoyed the way you built your piece through the use of rhetorical questions that are answered in a unique way! Keep up the great work.
Of course, I found a few things to nitpick at for you.
In the first stanza, third line, I felt the comma after 'transcended' was unnecessary because you don't use a comma after any of the other lines preceding the question.
Likewise, in the third stanza, third line, that period felt a bit jarring for me after the stanzas of such nice flow and balance. I think a dash or a comma might be more appropriate.
What a wonderful poem! I love the images and use of writing mL. It really complements the words.
I didn't see any problems with rhyme or rhythm, and your intent and meaning is easy to understand.
The only nitpicking I have for you are regarding the number of syllables per line. If you take, for example, the first stanza, all the lines are of comparable syllable count except for the last one, which has twelve syllables. You can make that line fourteen like all the others and preserve the rhythm by adding an adjective before 'eyes' like 'fearful' or some better word you could probably come up with!
This poem is already very good! A little tweaking will make it even better.
I thought I might just stop by and drop you a review...
Cute poem! I can definitely get the feel of the dance jitters, especially as one without a date. I'm not sure that's what you intended, but there's a nice feel of that uncertainty involved.
I've only got one suggestion for you. Consider italicizing the question 'yes or no'. I think that might make a nice contrast.
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Oh, what a sad, sad piece!
You tell it well. I didn't even realize that this was supposed to be a dream until the very end of the story.
I didn't have any problems understanding what was going on. My main nitpickings will be concerning grammar.
It was just like[,] the good old days.
No comma necessary here.
I said[,] to my sister.
Again, unnecessary comma.
We laughed so hard[,] - I had knots in my stomach, cramps in my cheeks and[,] tears streaming down my face[;] while she grabbed her mid-driftmidriff with one hand, arched her back, and held a lock of sandy blonde hair[,] straight up in the air[,] in her other hand.
Mostly punctuation issues. Just be careful - you're mostly overusing the comma. Mid-drift is in the middle of a tide. I think you want midriff.
I said.[,] I got up, grabbed the hand mirror and stuck it in front of her face.
You'll want to break up those sentences.
I wondered the same thing. "Don’t worry.[;] I’ll help you. ...
Missing a quotation mark. Okay, I took out that semicolon because you used them WAY too much in this piece. Fourteen times within a piece less than 10K long is about ten times too many. I would literally go back and take ten semicolons out. Focus on the unnecessary ones like the one I took out here and the ones you used incorrectly like the one I took out in the example above. The reason I think semicolons bog down your story is because you shouldn't just use them arbitrarily to replace periods. That's not their purpose. The more you overuse a 'special' punctuation mark, the cheaper it seems.
With a little more proofreading, this piece can really shine. I hope my review helps!
Here's another lovely poem, Davina. We don't have the problem of this poem being too prose-like. You have a nice sense of flow in the free-verse and I absolutely love your word choice in this piece.
I only have a few suggestions for improvement.
First stanza, second line - I don't know if that period is appropriate. I might just take out the period all together or put in a dash. The same goes for the third stanza, third line.
Conversely, in the first stanza, first line, I might use a period instead of a comma.
I think you could strengthen a few of your statements in this poem. For example, second stanza, first line, perhaps you could describe HOW you enjoyed those last moments. Did you feel the sun's heat on your closed eyelids? Did you allow the light to tickle your skin? etc.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1307093 by Not Available.
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Mike, you still have a pretty good piece here! I find that your prose is clear and easy to understand. I love the way you can pour out your emotions in a touching way without turning sappy. I enjoyed reading your piece.
Of course, I have a few suggestions for improvement. Today's nitpicking is too many commas.
The sound of people laughing as a result of my natural gift[,] is a temporary desensitization of the pain[,] and emptiness I feel inside.
Two unnecessary commas here.
Love is so hard for me to deal with[,] outside of my family circle.
Another unnecessary comma.
It is sad that being alone has become comfortable[,] and acceptable.
If you've just got two words connected by 'and', you don't need that comma.
Hope this helps!
Thank you for your consideration, and please stop by our forum again!
I love the use of shorter phrases and line breaks to convey your message. I didn't see any problems with grammar. That's always a good thing.
Of course, I have a few suggestions for improvement.
I like the fact that the first letter of each line isn't just capitalized for the heck of it, but I don't understand why you do something like 'CiViLiAn' because in my opinion it looks a bit childish and silly. You capitalize a lot of words in this poem. Just keep in mind the more times you put a word into caps, the less meaning it has. Frequency means less significance.
Now rally to this;
my noble cause?
Not sure why there's a question mark or a semicolon. I think a dash - is more appropriate for the semicolon. The question mark might be appropriate but I don't understand the context.
The three exclamation marks at the very end of the piece gives it a childish feel, which is a shame because it's such a mature piece otherwise. Just remember, if you can't express your additional exclamatory emotion in words, don't try to make up for it in punctuation. It looks silly.
A sad poem with a lot of emotion packed into it. I like the repetition in the syntactical form.
A few suggestions for improvement:
I encourage to play with punctuation. Consider not capitalizing the first letter of each line arbitrarily and instead not capitalizing some lines - it'll lead to some more interesting dynamic within this piece.
Also, I don't think the comma after the single word at the beginning of each stanza is necessary. There isn't any need for it and in my humble opinion it looks a bit awkward. I think it might look interesting if that word was italicized instead.
'Rebegin' isn't a word, and in this context I don't think making up your own word carries much weight because you haven't used a variety of word types within this piece. 'Begin again' or 'are reborn' in my opinion is a better way to end this instead of leaving the reader wondering if you just don't know the English language.
I wondered upon this piece by chance - and my goodness, what a beautiful piece of fiction. I enjoyed it immensely, and have no suggestions for improvement. You've done a great job with this.
I am guessing the man at the very end is McCartney - it might have been nice to have him explicitly referred to, although I don't think that's absolutely necessary.
Again, what a wonderful piece! Thank you so much for sharing it.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1307093 by Not Available.
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Cute poem and definitely appropriate for children. I enjoyed the animal characters and the conflict that many kids can relate to. The moral at the end was good, too.
A couple notes for improvement:
First off, this isn't a sonnet. A traditional sonnet has 14 lines of four quatrains + a couplet, all written in iambic pentameter. This poem is good as a poem, but as a sonnet it's lacking in many ways. So I would stop categorizing it as such.
A couple notes regarding dialogue punctuation:
"Come play!"[,] cried the robin as she flapped her wings
Only one punctuation mark is required. That comma is inappropriate.
And Wilbert said, "By the way, What's you're name?"
The seagull said, "Howdy, my name is Guide."
Then Wilbert said, "Let's go, I'm ready to ride!"
"See you later," they said as they sailed away.
Missing a bunch of commas here.
And his sister came out and laughingly said,
"No,spacenot like that! Draw it this way instead."
A few typos.
I hope this helps!
Thank you for your consideration, and please stop by our forum again!
A very sad poem, and definitely one that you told well. Great word choice and nice use of the flow of poetry to evoke emotion.
A couple suggestions -
Because the lines are so short and choppy in this piece, I don't know if any punctuation or capitalization is necessary at all. I think having none would look quite nice and complement the piece well.
Hope my suggestions help!
--Emerin
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