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Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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726
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Review of DREAMER!!  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Dear Longshadow,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Your poem reminds me of one I wrote, about a surgeon at work. I liked how the dreamer was addressed at the start of each verse. It really helps to read this one aloud, each time putting the desired tone in your voice as the dreamer is addressed. I do think the very first line is a little off, and as a result, I looked hard to find a way to dislike this poem. But the more I read, the more I liked it. *Smile* The problem with the first line is that it doesn't really make sense. Are you a harm? I fail tyo see how someone can be 'a harm'. Harmed yes, a harm? No. I tried looking up rhymes for Charm or harm, but had little luck (Alarm?). You could change the first line to say, "Are you a sham?" (Second Line)Do you really give a damn?" That would require changing the rating to 13+ of course, but still, it might work for you....




Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Dear Ironworker,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I love the idea behind this story, I found it to be a bit original and interesting. It seems your writing is a little choppy though, perhaps due to your word count limit for the contest. However, since the contest is now over, it's time for you to go back and give this a nice look-over and correct this minor problem. I will provide a few examples in the General Comments section.



Title:  I didn't know what to make of this when I first saw it, but it did draw me in. well done there!



Description:  This could be improved a bit without giving too much away. You have 90 characters, use them to help draw in readers!



Grammar:  There are areas that seem to be missing obvious words, again, I'll show you in examples. I saw that there are numerous misuses of capital words, as well as comma placement and usage.




My Favorite Part:  Finding out what was really going on.





General Comments:  

1. Hi, I'm David and I'll just use Welton for this story. Your character is David Welton, so I'm at a loss as to why you worded it this way. I would think something like this would be a little better. Hi, I'm David Welton, but all call me Welton. This is the story of an unusual day in my life.

2. Mornings had always been bad for me, and this one was louse. Louse should be lousy.

3. My GOD, I thought, did I go to a party or clubbing. Even though he's thinking this, it needs to be annotated in some way to show that. Singular quotation marks would do, or Italics. GOD should be God. 'My God', I thought, 'did I go to a party or clubbing.' There are several other places like this in your story.

4. There on a clock saying it was 7 AM. This is an incomplete sentence.

5. I sat down to take a dump which was fine till the action itself felt a bit strange and even sounded funny. I started to check myself when, A voice called up the stairs, First, you need a period after stairs. A voice should be a voice, and you should delete the comma after when.

6. “Hey babe you better hurry the boat will be here soon.” You need a comma after babe.



         There are numerous other minor problems like this throughout the story. It really needs a good read by a professional editor to help it out. At the least, you should look this over closely and see what you can find, maybe based on my comments.




Overall impressions:  A good story that needs a bit of editing TLC.



Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Dear Sailor Bill
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         I found your story to be very interesting. Being a retired Submariner (Nuclear Trained), I can relate well to stories about our military personnel. I was also an avid reader of WWII in high school, and wanted to be a SEAL when I joined the Navy. Life took me elsewhere, and it's all for the better.

         This is a lead-in to a much larger work, so we just start to know your characters in this story. The dialog between the characters was well written, you consistently used the lingo that sailors would use, though I don't recall reading any 4-letter words one associates with them. *Smile* Maybe those will pop up later on.

         in your story, you had a tendency to move between tenses. It seems the story is written in the past tense, yet there were several instances where you jumped to present tense as you wrote it. I will try to provide a few examples in general comments below.


Title:  Good for this story, but hard to tell if it will be appropriate for work once it is completed.



Description:  Very good, but it seems that escaped should be escapes.




General Comments:  

1. Some of your paragraphs are indented, some are not. Here's an example.

“Maggie is the Boss in?”
“Yes sir, Mr. Kirby. He was complaining about the heat, but seems to be in a good mood. I’ll tell him you are here.”

If you use the {indent} command in WritingML, it will indent the line for automatically.

         “Maggie is the Boss in?”

         “Yes sir, Mr. Kirby. He was complaining about the heat, but seems to be in a good mood. I’ll tell him you are here.”

For on line reading, it is considered to be more appropriate if you double space paragraphs. Each time a different character speaks, a new paragraph should be started, as I've shown above. It just makes a story a little easier to read on a computer screen.

2. Your Introduction seems a bit more detailed that necessary. You go into a lot of detail about a mission they are assigned, so it seems that would be better as a first chapter, with the section you label as 'The Story' being chapter two, a flashback of what led up to the Introduction.

3. He stopped , looked up at the blazing sun, and with a sweat rag, wiped the burning beads of moisture from his eyes. Geez it’s hot. Since Massoni is thinking 'Geez it's hot', you need to highlight this in some fashion. Perhaps in italics and single quotation marks as I've shown.

4. In June he deploys to Vietnam with his newly formed platoon of SEAL Team Two. Each weekend becomes more precious as the days keep rapidly moving toward deployment day, the 22nd. Running was a ritual that he took very seriously five, sometimes six days a week. He is concerned about his weight, and his 36th birthday last week didn’t make him feel any better. His previous years of tough assignments with the Underwater Demolition Teams, and later with the SEALs, are beginning to show on his ruddy face. This is one of the areas where you moved between present and past tense. The word 'deploys' is present tense. Until now, you've done a good job staying in the past tense, and that seems best for this story. Becomes is also present tense. yet 'was' is past tense. If I may offer a suggestion on wording....

         In June he will deploy to Vietnam with his newly formed platoon of SEAL Team Two. Running was a ritual that he took very seriously, spending two hours a day, five and sometimes six days a week to stay in shape. He was concerned about his weight, and his 36th birthday last week didn’t make him feel any better about his conditioning. His previous years of tough assignments with the Underwater Demolition Teams, and later with the SEALs, are beginning to show on his ruddy face.

         Notice that I removed the reference to the days moving towards deployment. The reason I did that, is that this is all about him running/conditioning, then returning to the office. The days moving rapidly would be more appropriate in a separate paragraph, where you describe his love for his family, and a natural desire to not leave them again. But I have no idea where you would put that in this part of the story.

5. His green shorts and T-shirt were soaked with sweat as he walked into the training Office. Massoni is the Assistant Training Officer for SEAL Team Two, and will be relieved in two weeks in order to spend full time with his platoon. 'Were' - past tense, 'is' - present tense, 'will' - present tense. Perhaps this would work for you.

His green shorts and T-shirt were soaked with sweat as he walked into the training Office. Massoni was the Assistant Training Officer for SEAL Team Two, and would be relieved in two weeks in order to spend full time with his platoon. There are more, but I have no desire to seemingly pick this apart.




Overall impressions:  A nice start to what seems to be a much longer story. You have captured my interest, making me want to read more.


Sum1

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Review of THE MIGHTY OAK  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Gene,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         I love poems about veterans, even more I love one more when nature is combined in the poem or story. I had the privilege of visiting a huge oak tree in Georgia, the oldest tree east of the Mississippi. I was in awe standing in its shade, its limbs spread wider than the wingspan of a 747's! I love the simile here of you as you're aging, and the oak, no long a young tree, knowing it too must soon perish. The only suggestion I'd have for you is to center this (and the title) on the page. I think it's more appealing to the eye when presented like that.




Sum1

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Review of A Stranger's Gift  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Dear Phydeaux,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         You tell your story very well in a poetry format. Your last verse caught me off guard, but made the overall story that much stronger. I love emotional poems and stories, this one is very good. I did not imagine this written by a ten year old, I was thinking of you as an adult, and that it was a true story. You hid her 'true age' well; as I said, that twist at the end was good. I do have two minor comments for you about it.

1. Center the poem on the page. It will appeal more to the eyes as someone reads it.

2. No pretty paper, nor ribbons, nor bows, It seems the second nor would be better as or, and the comma before it removed. No pretty paper, nor ribbons or bows,

         Very nicely done! Thank you for an enjoyable read.






Sum1

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Review of Inside of Me.  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Dear comfortablyMad,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Your poem is very beautiful, you express your love for your man well. I think the third verse worked best for me, it tied things together well. You do a good job in rhyming, though a couple are a bit of a reach. The same can be said for the rhythm, it moves from a low of 9 syllables in one line to a high of 15 in another. This tends to break up the read, throwing the reader off a bit. I do have a couple of comments for you on it.

1. Three of your lines start with the word Open. In a poem of only three verses, it really stands out. This is compounded by having two lines start with Open my, and the third starts with Open me. You can see how this affects the read. Additionally, the second verse uses the word 'open' three times alone.

2. As I mentioned, the rhythm varies a bit. I'm not one who believes that every line should have the same number of syllables, but it does need to be close. Here is a syllable count line by line for each verse.

13/15/10/12
11/13/14/13
9/12/10/13


I think you can see the variance in the rhythm, and how it would affect the flow while reading the poem.


         I think it's a good poem, a little editing TLC will help it achieve better scores in the future. *Smile*




Sum1

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Review of Bad Day at Work  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Dear Jellyfish,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I love playing with emoticons while writing. It's fun, makes the mind work a bit, and generally pleasant to both see and read. I love some of the images you paint in this poem, I too am fond of south sea islands and would live there if I could. You lost me with the 'dog and duck' line, but I'm assuming it's a Pub you frequent. The only comment I'd leave you, is to center this on the page. I think it would look a lot better that way.



Sum1

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Review of One Last Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Katrina,
         I thought I'd stop by to celebrate The StoryMistress Author Icon birthday one day early, and send you a review of this cute poem! You painted a picture in my mind of a mischievous little boy who does not want to go to bed. I loved the flow of this, your rhymes were natural, and the extra spacing between verses served to reinforce each one. The end with the "Mom I Love You" was precious, loved it! *Smile*



Sum1

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Review of 1951  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Dear Hippo
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow! I am so sorry for what you went through, I'm at a loss for words. You tell such a sad story here, but one that happens far too often. I have to admit that I forgot to read it as a critic, your words held me in a grip I couldn't escape. I am glad you have survived and done well, or as well as can be expected. I wish I could give you some great feedback and such, but I've never experienced anything close to this, and don't really know what to say. Well done, excellent writing, rhythm, and rhyme.



Sum1

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Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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Dear tHiNg
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         As I read this, I sit here watching a special on the History Channel about the events, I mean attack, of 9/11. This is stunning in some ways, especially since you wrote it from the perspective of someone who perished that fateful day. I cannot imagine being anywhere near the Twin Towers on 9/11, I've visited the site on several occasions; each time I'm left with a feeling of sadness. This left me feeling much the same way. All I can think, is 'What a waste of life.' I ask myself why, and realize it's due to a deep rooted hatred. It's something I've never experienced, and hope I never do. Thank you for the reminder of this day, everyone needs to be reminded, so we never forget.



Sum1

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Review of A Woman Scorned  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Dear Carlos,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         I love a good ghost story, this one did not let me down. You described Jason well, his age and how arthritis had taken hold of him. I loved the idea of Lily being a cat, even more I loved when she changed into human form. I could never do what Jason did, but I can understand how they could make a pact. The fact that Jason never kept his part of it is also understandable, and set the story up well. I do have a couple of comments on it for you.



Title:  Very good for this story.



Description:  Excellent, it's what caused me to read this.



General Comments:  

1. The moon was bright and full and shone its light through the pale clouds. Since you are using 'and' twice in close succession, it would read a little better if you added a comma after full. That would give a natural break to the line, helping the flow of it.

2. She could no longer remember why she waited for him, yet, she always expected him to show up anyway. You don't need the comma after 'yet'.




Overall impressions:  A good story of love, revenge, and death. It's a keeper for me, once I'll remember for a long time.


Sum1

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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Dear Bonnie
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         It's amazing what people will do in their cars, or anyplace they feel a little privacy. This is cute, I love watching people, and often wonder what's happened in their day so far. Now you've given me cause to think 'other thoughts' when I see strangers. *Smile* While the story is pretty good, you might want to draw us in a little more. Describe the conditions on the freeway. Was it hot out that day? Did the AC in her car work properly, or was she sweating a little bit, and a bit more as she couldn't help looking at the 'action' in the car next to her. Describe her surroundings to make it more show, less tell. I do have a few comments for you on it.


1. I do need to get home this millennium…she sighed. Since these are her thoughts, you might want to highlight them in some way. Either italics, or single quotation marks.

2. It was their turn to host the meet and greet for new neighbors, neither she nor Dan had meet them yet. The second meet should be met.

3. `Meet Ted and Samantha, as he stepped aside. She blinked. This could be worded better, plus it needs quotation marks since Dan is speaking. Perhaps something like this. As he stepped aside, Dan said, "Meet Ted and Samantha." She blinked for a moment, then realized it was the Lexus driver and his wife.


Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Dear Drache,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         You tell quite the story here, writing in a way I'm not accustomed to reading. What I mean is, you write as a truthsayer of old, telling a tale as they walk the town, or stand in the town square and tell their tale. I found it to be a bit wordy in places, but good just the same (Wordy because again, I haven't read much written in this style). I did see a couple of things you might want to look at in this.


Title:  You use a pretty abstract title here. It seems a better title would mention the drake, black night, and fairy prince/princess.



Description:  Use this to draw in readers. I'm betting you are 'far gone' from Mrs. Hook's English class, so describe this to us a little to draw in other readers.




General Comments:  

1. While the two stood, waiting for the obvious, a Prince searched his palace for his missing Princess. You don't need the coma after stood.

2. The fight went on, simply ignoring the pressence of the Unicorn and Prince. Pressence is spelled presence. It seems that fight should be fighters.

3. Mondschein, being a Unicorn, and made good time across the field, and thrust her golden horn into the drake's scaly hide. You can delete the word 'and' before made, it's not necessary, and makes this line read a bit off.

4. The Prince slid from her side, and knelt at the side of the dieing Knight. Dieing should be dying.




Overall impressions:  A good story of a mighty battle between a drake and a black knight, and a fairie Prince looking for his princess.


Sum1

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Review of Sum1 Special  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear WalkinBird,
         Wow, how cool! I've never written a Pantoum, but now may have to give it a try. I think this is a bit abstract for me, but that's how I am about poetry. Thank you for this poem, it does describe how my day's been in a small way. Great job!



Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Winnie Kay,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         You know, I'm always a sucker for stories like this, and I love it. I'm always touched by simple things or acts, and Buster's act here is one of those. You did well in describing how he woke Becky and saved the family, and I loved how you portrayed both Buster and Paddy, at least from his point of view. I couldn't help but smile at his disdain for the feline. *Smile* In some ways, I wanted to hear Paddy's defense of it all, see what a cat might have said. But it was told from Buster's point of view, so that would have been difficult it seems. Still, I have to wonder....



Sum1

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Review of Wedding Proposal  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Dear Anastasia,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         Over the years, I've come to really dislike people like your main character, Erica. You managed to make me loathe her in these 300 words! She seems to be someone who really thinks the world revolves around her, that no one else should be thought about. I loved the ending, even if I could see it coming. You hid it nicely, but I could just tell that Stanford knew something she didn't. For flash fiction, this is well done! Glad you earned Honorable Mention with it. *Smile*




Sum1

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Review of Myths and Legends  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Dragonline,
         I saw a review of this on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         Very impressive! You tell a short story, each line starting with a different letter of the alphabet. Other than the first and last line, each line contained the name of a dragon. I know how hard that can be, yet you managed to tell a short story that makes sense, and keeps the reader interested. I did the same with a poem, except every word in each line would start with the necessary letter of the alphabet. Kudos to you for this though, I loved it! But you couldn't find a dragon name that started with 'a', or 'z'? I had to Google things just to find out, and was surprised at all the names! Abrasax sounds very interesting, but I know fitting the name into your story is easier said than done, and maybe you wanted an opening and closing line, which is fine too. I also found 'Zu, a famous dragon from Sumerian mythology. But again, fit those in your story. *Smile* Thanks for the informative read, I really enjoyed the story.



Sum1

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Dear Rhyssa,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         This is such a heart breaking story. I felt the pain with every word I read, and even though I wanted Caleb to survive, I sensed that wouldn't be the case. You wrote this well, despite it being such a short time all this happened. It flowed well, the dialog was very realistic, you brought their emotions to life in a pretty short story. You made me feel, and I loved that. I did see a couple of things you may want to look at in this.


1. We headed home—where I watched my niece and nephew and Mom and Dad disappeared into the timeless eternity of the hospital. You use the word 'and' quite a bit in this sentence. You might want to look at changing one, or more. Here's a small suggestion. We headed home, where I watched my niece and nephew while Mom and Dad disappeared into the timeless eternity of the hospital.

2. But life without ever him leaves a gaping hole that we never knew needed filling before our short time with him. I'm not sure what you meant here with the word ever, it looks like it should be deleted.



         As sad as it is, this is a beautiful, heart-warming story. It brings home family values, family love, and reminds me of what life is really all about.



Sum1

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear YellowRose,
         Sometimes the truth hurts, but your poem is absolutely true. At least as far as I know the truth to be. There's not enough word that could be said about what she did. Should we forgive? I guess that depends on your outlook. For many, the Vietnam War is in the distant past, and many have forgotten what she did. Was she ignorant about things? Probably. Was she against the war? Most definitely. But you are correct, you don't consort with the enemy just because you don't believe in what your country is doing. If you really feel that strongly against it, then you shouldn't live here anymore, so I agree with your assessment in this. Thank you for writing it. But, I wouldn't classify it a poem because of it's nature, I'd call it an article or essay. Just my opinion.



Sum1

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Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Dear Vincent,
         I found your port on the "Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window. page and thought I'd drop in to visit you. Your story is pretty good, but in some ways, disjointed. What I mean is, it jumps quite a bit, but then I know you know that. The first paragraph sets up the story in some ways, but is it really necessary? That's hard for me as a reader to say since this is a work in progress, but right now, it doesn't fit for me. Maybe once you get more of the story written, it will fit in, but right now, it seems a little like window dressing to me. There are a few things you might want to look at in this.



Title:  There isn't one right now, and I know you're still working on things, but this should have some kind of working title.



Description:  I would remove the "702 wc as of 061813." A description should be used to entice the WDC readership in to read this. There's little here to draw one in really. As it is right now, it just warns readers that it's essentially a work in progress, but nothing else. That might scare them away, when they could read it in its infancy and possibly provide you good feedback to help you.




General Comments:  

1. Bethany plays with her hair whenever she’s nervous and Violet Harris was always someone who made her nervous. At this point, your main character is Wendy Harris, but suddenly you mention Violet Harris. At this point, it's not clear, but I'm guessing she's Wendy's mother. You might want to make that a bit clearer.

2. “Oh come on, Beth, don’t be that way. What do you think? Tell me. Please? I’ll be your best friend.” Earlier you mention that Bethany is her oldest friend, which sort of implies 'best friend.' Her saying "I'll be your best friend here doesn't fit, even if they aren't quite best friends.

3. The second part about the man in the bunker (I'm assuming he's her father that she's never met) doesn't make sense, at least at this point. Again, being a WIP, it might make sense later. But it doesn't seem like there would be such fury due to a simple alarm. It seems the alarm was caused by his computer receiving an e-mail, most likely from Wendy. I can't recall the last time I heard an alarm go off when I received an E-mail. Was I notified? Yes of course, but alarm? No. The man seems to have dual personalities, but you really jump in to this with no prelude at all. That makes a big jump for a reader.

4. The ending is good, it does let the reader know there's another personality there, but it is still a big jump. This part just needs a little more buildup and development is all.




Overall impressions:  Overall, a good start to a larger effort, but it needs a bit of smoothing in areas.


Sum1

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear SoCalScribe,
         I think your job is one many of us would love to be involved in. But I don't count me in that group. Not that I wouldn't like to be a part of a movie on at least one occasion, or have something I've started become a screenplay. But for me, movies are 'special', an escape from everyday life. If I was involved in the filming of a movie, and saw what really happens on the set vs. what we see on the screen, I'd be so disappointed! *Smile* That's why I never watch the 'how they did this special effect' TV Show. I like to think in my mind that Luke Skywalker really does have a light saber, even if I know they don't exist.

         But this article here gives an author insight on how to build a story line, how to start the process of character development, what is needed to keep a reader interested, etc. I learned an awful lot reading this, and know that I am far from writing what I'd consider a true novel, one that could actually sell in bookstores. As for a screenplay? I can't even consider it, even though I have long longed for my 'Jester' poems to be converted to a longer story that would sell. Those poems are a good story, but I see I'd need quite a bit of development in subplots and such to make it a success.

         I thought you laid this out well, providing a step by step guide to creating a 50,000 word storyline, or screenplay. What was best of course, was the depth you went to in explaining each step, as well as the examples provided from Shrek and Matrix. I did see one thing you might want to look at in this. It's the second sentence after you started explaining Subplots.

1. Most novels don't work without a least a couple subplots, that that's because, for one, subplots take up space.




Sum1

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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Dear Maidy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say, you had me here. I had another thought entirely about why her desk was cleaned out, and was far off where you went. I thought she might have been promoted, and they were moving her things for her. But her co-workers not looking at her as they exited the auditorium didn't jibe with that, so I knew something else was afoot. Well done in hiding the true twist! I did see a couple of things you might want to look at in this.


Title:  Perfect for this story.



Description:  Excellent for the story also.



Grammar:  You have a tendency to mix up tenses in telling the story. I've tried to show you in comments below.




My Favorite Part:  I think it was when she was afraid to look at the memo in the boardroom everyone had been meeting in.





General Comments:  

1. Any other time it wouldn’t have caused issue in my mind; however, when I came into work and saw all my personal belongings in a box on my desk, those 4 minutes seems like the proverbial nail in my coffin. It seems the word 'an' is missing, between caused, and issue.

2. What kind of cowards did I work for if they are getting rid of me and don’t have the guts to tell me? In a way, you give away the twist a little, but I didn't notice it her. Did is past tense, and I know she thinks she's being fired, but I think 'do' would work well here too.

3. Shocked circulated throughout my being. Shocked should be shock.

4. I mean, my god, she was just here last Friday. I'm not very religious, but I think God is always capitalized.

5. One of my co-workers walked by me outwardly shivered. Again, a word seems to be missing here. You need 'and' between me, and outwardly.




Overall impressions:  A very good story of a woman who thinks she's being fired. But there's a twist that this reader wasn't ready for.


Sum1

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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Dear Jenni
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         You lay everything on the line in this poem of love to one you are not with. You pour your heart out, and it' all about him. But it's not necessarily to him, it's about him, and your need to be with him. I can only say that if this is true, nine years have passed since you wrote this, has anything changed? For your sake, I really hope so, and hope all is well with the reunion. The poem is free verse, but at the same time, it has some rhyme to it. With a little editing TLC, you could make this much stronger by having each line close to the same length syllable-wise. Centering it on the page would give it a more aesthetic look, and using shorter verses, or verses that contain the same number of lines would also improve its look and read.

P.S. You might want to update your bio block. Your daughter should be 19 by now, *Smile* that or she joined when she was one! (Hers could be updated too, lol)


Sum1

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Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear MysteryAuthor,
         I found your poem to be a bit moving as you describe your loneliness and losing one you loved (for whatever reason). This is good, but it's very raw. What I mean by that is, I your talent in this, but it needs a little editing TLC as I call it. First, it seems this 'wants to rhyme', yet at the same time, it's a free verse poem. The beauty of free verse is that it's just that, free verse. As such, it doesn't have to follow a format. Format in that lines are all close to the same syllable count, or an ABAB (or AABB) rhyme scheme, etc. If you choose to keep this free verse, I would state that at the start, or in the description. Here's what I mean. Your current description is this, This poem was inspired by other people's work, but all of it is mine. Well heck, that statement is true for everything we write if you ask me. So tell the readership of WDC what caused you to write this. Perhaps something like, A lost love, like the leaves that fall to the ground each autumn. (By the way, that's pretty corny if you ask me, but hopefully you get the idea.) A description should be used to pull people in to read your work. So tell the membership of WDC why they would want to read this. You have 90 characters to do it, so watch your words. *Smile*

         Now about this rhyming. You could do it easily, and some is already done (cry/lie, him/grim, fall/all, etc) If I may be so bold, here's a small sample of what you could do to improve this a little.

Gone

Every night, I still cry.
In my bed, there I lie.
When I think about him,
I'm very happy, but grim.
Our love was like leaves in the fall,
So bright, before they lose it all.
And every night, I dream.
He is there,or so it seems.
And in the morn when I awake,
I see near me no smiling face.
So here I lie, all alone.
Much like him, when he left home.


Notice I centered it on the page using WritingML (The toolbar at the top of your form has the same buttons on it that MicrosoftWord has). Secondly, I added a couple of words, cut a couple of words, and combined a line here or there, and included the title in the body of the poem. Like I said, minor editing TLC. *Smile* It's a start, see what you can write for us next time. *Bigsmile*


Sum1

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Dear Rachael,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         I found your thesis very interesting to read. At first it bounced around quite a bit, yet I could see it's focus still. What I mean that, is that at first you discussed good vs. evil in the first paragraph (along with lack of control by man), then moved to unanswered questions by many scholars, to today's world and the killing that is occurring at an alarming rate in the next three paragraphs. After that you went to the story of Adam and Eve in the Qur'an and how they were 'contaminated' by Satan. This led back to the good vs. evil idea in the first paragraph. I think you might have been better served to start it with the thought of today's world, then backtrack (if you will), to how we got there, and why. This way it's a natural, and logical flow of thought to your thesis. I did see a couple of small things you may want to look at.

1. I believe, we, each and every human being, are but extenssions of Adam and Eve. First, there's too many commas at the start of this sentence. This can easily be corrected by deleting the words 'we', and 'each', and 'and'. It would then read, I believe, every human being is but an extension of Adam and Eve. Notice the minor wording change, and the correction of a minor spelling issue.

2. Thousands if not millions of years, have passed since the beginning of that story, during which we, human beings, were supposed to have learned only one thing, the difference between Good and Evil, but we forgot the purpose of our presence in this realm, when we focused on making our stay here more pleasant and comfortable. If you are a student of the Qur'an, Bible, or any religious material, then you would not say 'millions' of years. If I'm not mistaken, the Bible (I've not read the Qur'an at all, and am not a Bible scholar) would tell us that it's just a few thousand years since Adam and Eve appeared on Earth. But the real thing with this line, is that it's long and wordy. You might try breaking it into at least two, if not three sentences.

3. Not all of your paragraphs are double spaced from the previous one. Here's one example.

We evolved from the state of total ignorance of a child about his surroundings, to our present day mastery of science and technology, but very few in fact, have evolved inwardly.
We have created space shuttles, hydrogen, and nuclear bombs, we have cloned animals, and are about to start manufacturing human-like beings, but are still ignorant of the very purpose for which we are here.

         Overall, a very interesting read, one that caused me to stop and ponder things a little. Overall, I agree with your assessment of mankind. I too think we've forgotten our true purpose in the world, and all too often push our own views on others in an attempt to dominate them.



Sum1

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