Jaye P. Marshall's (jayepmarshall) Reviews

Jaye P. Marshall

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7,061 Public Reviews Given

7,951 Total Reviews Given

551

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#3123046

Review of Getting It done

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Newbie Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very gripping story that grabbed my interest right away and carried it through to the last line.

Characters: You’ve done a very good job of creating your narrator and capturing the reader’s sympathy for her plight.

Dialog: There is very little dialog employed here.

Format: Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.

Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors and have only one suggestion.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ books that introduced her to much loved friends.’
Suggest: books that introduced her to much-loved friends.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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552

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14 days may be credited.

#3122985

Review of Pheobe's Story

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Newbie Listing and was intrigued by the description.

General Impressions: The is an interesting story that seems as if it should be the beginning of a longer piece.

Characters: Phoebe is essentially the only character shown. It would help the reader feel more sympathy for her if we were shown why she was searching for her own special place.

Dialog: No dialog is employed though this might be used to enhance the character’s personality.

Format: Some of the paragraphs here are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.

Grammar & Punctuation:

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘Pheobe had her mothers beauty,’
Suggest: Pheobe had her mother’s beauty,

In this phrase, ‘ curly hair and bright emerald green eyes.’
Suggest: curly hair and bright emerald-green eyes.

In this phrase, ‘diving down to get a drink before setting of again.’
Suggest: diving down to get a drink before setting off again.

In this phrase, ‘careful not to make and sudden movements.’
Suggest: careful not to make any sudden movements.

In this phrase, ‘ she had recieved from her father sent a bell ringing in her head.’
Suggest: she had received from her father set a bell ringing in her head.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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553

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#3122974

Review of Elder

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Newbie Listing and was intrigued by the description.

General Impressions: This is a very interesting story that seems as if it is the beginning of a longer piece. I did wonder if the body wouldn’t be frozen stiff and also to the floor after several days with no heat.

Characters: Both of the main characters are well defined and gain reader sympathy.

Dialog: The dialog assists in personalizing the characters and their relationship.

Grammar & Punctuation:

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘Society through the aberrant winter cold.’
Suggest: Is “aberrant” the right word here?

In this phrase, ‘ When he turned back Jasper had pulled’
Suggest: When he turned back, Jasper had pulled

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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554

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#3122936

Review of Fire in The Eyes Part II

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi again. I am reviewing this piece at your request.

General Impressions: This is another very interesting piece that is a nice continuation of the one I previously read. It is also, however, more told than shown.

Characters: The characters still could use some additional development which would make it easier for the reader to “step into their shoes” and feel the trauma right alongside them. Show the growing panic when the car won’t start and the fire is creeping closer; you did this somewhat with the shaking hands but it could be expanded.

Dialog: Dialog is also an excellent way of building a character – not only what they say but how they say it.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion as follows.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘Except from us and the car our whole world’
Suggest: Except for us and the car, our whole world

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

Jaye

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555

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14 days may be credited.

#3122204

Review of ‘Tears’

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very sad poem where the ending seems to be at least a contemplation of self-harm.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors other than the one possibility that follows.

Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ There is noone there to stretch a helping hand'
Suggest: There is no one there to stretch a helping hand

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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556

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14 days may be credited.

#3122170

Review of Ummmm...

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This tale sets up a scenario that parents simply don't want to even consider although it certainly does get a very emotional reaction.

Characters: You have done a good job of describing at least the sister physically, but we are shown very little more of who they really are or what they care about.

Dialog: What little dialog included seems natural.

Format: Some of the paragraphs here are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.

When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.

Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation: The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized. There is some confusion of using "their" when it should be "there". Use an apostrophe and "s" to indicate possession.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ "Bye honey!", your mom said'
Suggest: "Bye, honey!", your mom said

In this phrase, ‘ as you thought you wouldn't be ready to be by yourself.'
Suggest: as if she thought you wouldn't be ready to be by yourself.

In this phrase, ‘ It was about a mans life '
Suggest: It was about a man's life

In this phrase, ‘ you heard your sister usual sigh '
Suggest: you heard your sister's usual sigh

In this phrase, ‘ and then i will be back", she said.'
Suggest: and then I will be back", she said.

In this phrase, ‘ had dressed in a blue, short sleeve-top, with a white beach skirt.
Suggest: had dressed in a blue, short-sleeve top with a white beach skirt.

In this sentence, ‘ Their was almost a some seductiveness in her voice.'
Suggest: There was almost a tone of seductiveness in her voice.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making the piece even better. Keep writing!

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557

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#3122150

Review of Masterpiece: Seasons of Love

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a truly beautiful poem where you've chosen delightful words to express the ups and downs of a long-time relationship.

Grammar & Punctuation: Realizing that poetry can be very lax in requiring various rules of grammar or punctuation, I offer the following:

In this line, ‘ The fall leaves had crumbled and fell,'
Suggest: Technically it should be "fallen" with the "had".

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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558

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#3122108

Review of Fire in The Eyes

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very interesting piece that seems as if it should be part of a much longer story.

I feel that the reader would like to know more about the narrator's life before the fire. Help us to see her day-to-day life by showing us the farm/ranch before the danger of the fire. I would also like to know what happens after this piece ends. How horrifying is the mad rush to safety? Does the fire sweep over their place essentially wiping it out or does it change direction and their home is safe.

Characters: Characters need to be expanded upon so that the reader can actually see them and feel their fear and pain/relief at the outcome.

Dialog: Dialog, as well as actions, can help define the characters.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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559

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14 days may be credited.

#3121604

Review of The Prince

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Romance Newsletter dated July 16 and was intrigued by the description.

General Impressions: This is a fantastic tale where you’ve done a great job of presenting the “other perspective”.

Characters: You’ve done an excellent job of giving your main character a distinct personality through his thoughts and actions.

Dialog: No dialog is used in this narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘and with a heart warming half smile’
Suggest: and with a heart-warming half smile

In this phrase, ‘as I watched her rose stained lips part to speak with me.’
Suggest: as I watched her rose-stained lips.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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560

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#3121591

Review of The Orchid Bride

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Romance Newsletter dated July 16 and was intrigued by the description.

General Impressions: This is a delightful story of a young girl who faces the realities and accepts her life as a woman and wife.

Favorite Part: When she was crying in the surf and he came to her.

Characters: You have done an excellent job with both main characters, making both of them and their lives totally believable.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and natural.

Grammar & Punctuation:

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ She was now a first year student
Suggest: She was now a first-year student

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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561

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14 days may be credited.

#3121014

Review of The Apparition

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated July 16 and was intrigued by the title.

General Impressions: This is an intriguing story of a “potential” ghost which will always, I’m sure, be on the protagonist’s mind.

Characters: All of the characters appear to be real and natural – entirely believable.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and seems natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Specific Suggestions:

In this phrase, ‘newest battle of a never ending war.’
Suggest: newest battle of a never-ending war.

In this phrase, ‘ When situations arouse and got tough to deal with,
Suggest: When situations arose and got tough to deal with,

In this phrase, ‘Her mess was my make believe playhouse away from reality.’
Suggest: Her mess was my make-believe playhouse

In this sentence, ‘The sound proceeded to get louder and higher making me more annoyed then ever.’
Suggest: The sound proceeded to get louder and higher, making me more annoyed then ever.

In this phrase, ‘over to peak my head underneath.’
Suggest: over to peek my head underneath.

In this phrase, ‘ which was the gateway to enter the living room.’
Suggest: which were the gateway to enter the living room.

In this phrase, ‘Angel spoke of her story while 1 listened intently.’
Suggest: Angel spoke of her story while I listened intently.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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562

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#3120972

Review of CIVIL WAR GHOST OF HALLOWEEN

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated July 16 and was intrigued by the title.

General Impressions: This is a very chilling story of a ghost search that got a bit more than was bargained for.

Characters: You did a good job of portraying your characters as normal curious kids out to find out for themselves.

Dialog: The sparse dialog was entirely believable and natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors other than those mentioned below.

Specific Suggestions:

In this phrase, ‘ "Dead Man's Gulch," My pseudo cousin Ronny remarked,’
Suggest: "Dead Man's Gulch," my pseudo cousin Ronny remarked,

In this phrase, ‘Naturally Laura Sue, the 12 year old daughter was listening to this one sided conversation’
Suggest: Naturally, Laura Sue, the 12-year-old daughter was listening to this one-sided conversation

In this phrase, ‘Along about eleven thirty that evening we thought’
Suggest: Along about eleven-thirty that evening, we thought

In this phrase, ‘Plus, there was a quarter inch gap at the bottom of our door’
Suggest: Plus, there was a quarter-inch gap at the bottom

In this phrase, ‘bright light flooding beneath our bedroom doors.’
Suggest: beneath our bedroom door.

In this phrase, ‘crescent shaped indentation on the soul.’
Suggest: crescent-shaped indentation on the sole.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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563

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#3120756

Review of My Grandmother's Hands

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Authors Newsletter dated July 16 and was intrigued by the title.

General Impressions: . This is a beautiful tale to which I could relate as my late-mother also had perfect penmanship.

Favorite Part: I loved the part where you described recognizing the card you received by the writing in the address.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘and that slip twenty dollar bills into pockets’
Suggest: and that slip twenty-dollar bills;

In this phrase, ‘dinners were served on my their long dining room table.’
Suggest: served on my their long dining-room table.;

In this phrase, ‘you realize they just are susceptible to the world’
Suggest: you realize they are just as susceptible to the world;

In this phrase, ‘This time, Life used Thanksgiving’
Suggest: This time, life used Thanksgiving;

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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564

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#3120647

Review of The Goodbye Quilt

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Authors Newsletter dated July 16 and was intrigued by the title.

General Impressions: This is a moving, and sometimes very sad, story that brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat.

Favorite Part: I loved the scene of the tickling session.

Characters: You did a beautiful job of showing the characters, especially Grandma and the type of person she was.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and seems natural

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors in spelling or grammar.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ I should probably tell you shouldn’t I? ‘
Suggest: I should probably tell you, shouldn’t I? ;

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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565

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#3120174

Review of "Look Not my Way..."

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Drama Newsletter dated July 15 and was intrigued by the description.

General Impressions: This is an interesting story that I feel would be improved by giving the old man a name and limiting the repetitive “the old man”.

Characters: The characterization of the main character seems rather shallow. Nothing is known of him except he lives alone and has a fascination with the sun until nearly the end.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘The late day sun danced’
Suggest: The late-day sun danced;

In this phrase, ‘a fate in which he accepted,’
Suggest: a fate which he accepted,;

In this phrase, ‘ watch his neighbor's lives unfold.
Suggest: watch his neighbors’ lives unfold.

In this phrase, ‘he was watching a film, "Dinner and a movie" the old man would whisper to himself with a smirk.
Suggest: he was watching a film. "Dinner and a movie," the old man;

In this phrase, ‘a rail thin man sitting with his hefty wife’
Suggest: a rail-thin man sitting with his hefty wife;

In this phrase, ‘nor shield their personal life from his prying eyes.’
Suggest: nor shield their personal lives from his prying eyes.;

In this phrase, ‘They also told the officer that was bothered them most,’
Suggest: officer that was what bothered them most,;

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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#3120134

Review of The Fictional Homeless Society

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Drama Newsletter dated July 15 and was intrigued by the title.

General Impressions: This is quite a unique story where you’ve done a good job of peopling it with half-forgotten characters.

Favorite Part: I loved this phrase, ‘worried my brain like a tongue working a strand of chicken stuck between two teeth.’. It is so descriptive.

I also liked very much liked this, ‘Writers like to be stroked. They're not dissimilar to cats.’.

Characters: All of the characters seem to play well the roles they were created to play.

Dialog: Dialog is natural and believable

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Suggest a thorough proofread.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘like a fine grade sand paper.’
Suggest: like a fine grade sandpaper.;

In this phrase, ‘name tag pinned to his leaft breast pocket:’
Suggest: name tag pinned to his leaf breast pocket: ;

In this sentence, ‘ I was expecting a low key affair.
Suggest: I was expecting a low-key affair.;

In this phrase, ‘Resting on the table were two stick like contraptions’
Suggest: were two stick-like contraptions;

In this sentence, ‘I first put pen to paper twenty years hence.’
Suggest: I first put pen to paper twenty years thence.;

In this phrase, ‘like sand sifting southwards in an hour glass.’
Suggest: like sand sifting southwards in an hourglass;

In this sentence, ‘Becasue of this I didn't see Joey's fist closing in on my face.’
Suggest: Because of this I didn't see Joey's fist.;

In this phrase, ‘but the rest remained annymous for now.'
Suggest: but the rest remained anonymous for now.; and,

In this phrase, ‘narrowly missing missing the occupants of the table nearest me.’
Suggest: narrowly missing the occupants of the table nearest me.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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#3119632

Review of Vittles: A Squirrel's Tale

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Short Story Newsletter dated July 8 and was intrigued by the excerpt.

General Impressions: This is a really cute story of a young squirrel’s adventures.

Favorite Part: I really enjoyed the part where he fell through the dining room ceiling.

Characters: You’ve done a good job of personifying “Vittles”.

Dialog: Dialog seems realistic.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘Scrambling up an tree next to the big house,’
Suggest: Scrambling up a tree;

In this phrase, ‘he saw people scrambling to get ouot of the way.’
Suggest: to get out of the way.;

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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#3119623

Review of The Fable of the Sparrow and the Rose

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Short Story Newsletter dated July 8 and was intrigued by the titlre

General Impressions: This is a really cute story that children should enjoy.

Characters: You’ve done a good job of assigning personalities to the various animals.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic.

Format: Some of the paragraphs here are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.

When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have its own paragraph.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors in grammar and few in punctuation.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘“Look for the beauty around you sparrow”,
Suggest: around you, sparrow,”;

In this phrase, ‘they opened them as gazed for a moment
Suggest: they opened them and gazed;

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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#3119593

Review of Rinku is Thirsty.

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Short Story Newsletter dated July 8 and was intrigued by the excerpt

General Impressions: This is a really cute little story told through a mother’s reminiscences.

Characters: You’ve done a good job of giving each of the main characters a personality of her own.

Dialog: Dialog sounds natural and realistic for a child.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors in grammar and only a couple of punctuation suggestions.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘Singapore on a two year posting’
Suggest: two-year posting;

In this phrase, ‘There was familiar the thump-thump’
Suggest: was the familiar;

In this phrase, ‘before striking at unwarychildren.’
Suggest: at unwary children; and,

In this sentence, ‘Behind every well brought up little girl is a plush rabbit.
Suggest: every well-brought-up little girl.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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#3119572

Review of Inside the Darkness

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Romance Newsletter dated July 8 and was intrigued by Title/Description/Excerpt

General Impressions: This is a beautiful story that is not your usual vampire story, but a well-rounded tale of several interacting characters.

Favorite Part: I just loved the part where the old man related his fantastic story.

Characters: All of the characters are individuals with their own personalities and motivations.

Dialog: Dialog is natural and seems realistic.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors in grammar or punctuation.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘mixed love and hate relationship with rest of the area.’
Suggest: relationship with the rest of the area.;

In this sentence, ‘“I’ll help you. I don’t how, but I will.’
Suggest: I don’t know how, but I will.;

In this phrase, ‘We need you close your eyes’
Suggest: We need you to close your eyes;

In this phrase, ‘when we flicked the lights open.’
Suggest: when we flicked the lights on.;

In this phrase, ‘Why had Iain gone into all that trouble’
Suggest: gone to all that trouble;

In this phrase, ‘as if they would bulb out of their sockets.’
Suggest: they would bulge out;

In this sentence, ‘“I want Deanna clarify a few things.” ‘
Suggest: Deanna to clarify a few things;

In this phrase, ‘he waited until he used her to the greatest extend,’
Suggest: to the greatest extent.;

In this phrase, ‘in the dark and cloudy the sky,’
Suggest: in the dark and cloudy sky,;

In this phrase, ‘“Iain, come of it,” ‘
Suggest: “Iain, come off it,”;

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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#3119317

Review of The beginning. Chapters 1 & 2.

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: I’m not sure these beginning chapters would generate enough reader interest to entice them to read a novel-length story.

This piece would be improved with more showing of the individual scenes and less telling of what is going on.

Characters: It really isn’t clear who is to be the “main character” here. The first person introduced is Bishop Stanley, followed by Willie in the first chapter while Jess and Carol take over Chapter 2.

Dialog: This piece contains very little back and forth dialog.

Format: Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

When a quotation extends to two or more paragraphs, use a quotation mark at the beginning of each paragraph but not at the end if the same person continues talking.

Suggest a thorough proofread and edit.

Specific Suggestions:
In your title on Page 1, ‘Group up Christian - - - or not!
Suggest: Grow or Growing

In this phrase, ‘on a hill over looking the village of Stanleyville,’
Suggest: hill overlooking the village

In this phrase, ‘It was a two hour drive to the valley’
Suggest: a two-hour drive

In this phrase, ‘dim light, of unknown origin, shinning out.’
Suggest: unknown origin, shining out.

In this phrase, ‘Reverend Bishop, Albert Stanley." "Just in case’
Suggest: Removing the extra quotation marks as this is still one person speaking, i.e., “Albert Stanley. Just in case”.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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572

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3119269

Review of The Canine's Howling At The Moon

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

This is a beautiful poem that made me, while I was reading, able to hear that mournful wail. It always gives me the shivers.

In this line, 'today its purpose in unrecognized, hidden meaning lies.' should it be "is unrecognized"?

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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573

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14 days may be credited.

#3119264

Review of The Day My Father Died

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

This is such a very sad poem to which I can totally relate. You've painted a beautiful picture here so that I can just visualize that sad day.

I found no errors in spelling or grammar

These comments are only my personal opinion. Keep writing!

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574

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14 days may be credited.

#3118983

Review of The Music Critic

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Mystery Newsletter dated July 8 and was intrigued by the description.

General Impressions: This is a very strange story of a very strange man who seems to have a confused psyche.

Characters: Darryl’s actions and reactions are well described so that he comes across as a rounded character.

Dialog: Very little dialog is included, but what there is sounds natural enough for the character.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.

Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘So arrangements were made, the event was paid for, and Darryl waited, anticipated the day.’
Suggest: Darryl waited, anticipating the day.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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575

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14 days may be credited.

#3118927

Review of The Dungeon

Review by Jaye P. Marshall

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated July 8 and was intrigued by the description.

General Impressions: This piece contains some excellent description. It doesn’t, however, seem like a complete story but is more of a scene.

Characters: Characters aren’t really defined so that the reader can relate to them.

Dialog: No dialog is employed.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found only one error in spelling, but none is grammar or punctuation.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘waiting on some unsuspecting, curuios, and dirty child.’
Suggest: unsuspecting, curious, and dirty child..

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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