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The place to be for positive reinforcements! |
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Hello My Sunny Pals, Welcome back to Shellyville.... 
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| Hello my sunny pals, What is the Something you are looking for? Is a touch or a feeling? Is it in another person or is it the pull inside your heart? When you have it you know. You celebrate it and you smile. Your heart rejoices and you are ready to feel pain. I am here in this place of wonder. I have arrived. Uncertain but determined to find all my joy. I wasn't looking this time. I wasn't out searching and begging for it. It happened when I had my guard down. It happened on a warm summer night and it keeps happening over and over again. I could be a hundred percent wrong but my soul is telling me I am not. My heart is telling me I am safe and my body is filled with excitement. There is something here and I am loving it! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, What makes the color of blue so magical? What makes the sky and the water connect in a perfect combination? I was able to spend the entire day on the water yesterday and it was magic. It was everything I needed. I was with my two best friends and a huge body of water. It was like floating on the sky. I don't get to do that very often so it really is a treat. It was so peaceful and fun. People who own boats are some of the luckiest people on the planet. It is an escape like none other. It is a unique feeling to be at the mercy of Mother's Natures greatest gift. Water! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am halfway done with this month. I didn't even come close to following my goals. I blew it on the first weekend and have been sliding down hill ever sense. I guess the goals were set out for me to learn something...Yes, don't set unrealistic goals. Don't pretend to be someone you are not! I am who I am. I will make mistakes but I also learn from then. I am trying something new and like everything else it takes time to figure it out and get it right. I am happy with me and I am happy with the choices I make. I feel a little guilt over today but I will let it slide. I got asked to go boating with Sebi and he wanted me to bring the kids but they don't want to go so Brian is going to hang out with them. I am so lucky he is cool with doing that. I mean he could have said no! Recently someone said that I was going to get back with Brian. I have actually heard that from a number of sources and it actually makes me feel sad when I hear that. I think it's so funny that just because we have remained friends and we still love each other doesn't make us a good couple. I don't think we would have ever gone this far to split up and end our marriage if there was ever any hope of us getting back together. I do wonder why people think they can say that to me. I have to wonder if people really understand what divorce means. Even I have to admit I never knew what it was until now. I think you have to have gone through a divorce before you have any idea on how it will feel. And even then it is such a personal thing. Each marriage and divorce is unique sure it resembles a lot of the same emotions of loss and failure but also new beginnings and second chances. I am learning from my mistakes and taking all my second changes and new beginnings with an open heart and soul. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sweet sunshine, Do you have a special talent? I have many... I have the talent to ignore the bs in my life. I have the talent to forgive myself. I have the talent to walk away from something that is not good for me. I have the talent to accept life on life's terms. I have the amazing talent of raising two wonderful and creative kids. Savanna and Jackson have amazing creative eyes and have recently taken up photography. Savanna saved all her babysitting money and purchased a very expensive camera. I am so proud of her. She is constantly taking random pictures and they turn out really cool. She wants to put some of her pictures on canvas. I told her that would be a great idea and now we have to find some kind of company that will do that. I want my kids to explore the arts and to see beyond the regular randomness of today. I want to fill my life up with creativity and joy. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I have to wonder about the pattern of things sometimes. How people can say things to me and I am suppose to absorb the meaning and make sense of it. Sometimes I am very sharp and I get it. Other times I struggle with my own definition of what it means. One of the things I have learned as a therapist that it is not my job to do anything but my job to be there and listen. Having good listening skills is a talent I never expected to have. Half the time when I was growing up I blocked out the voices around me. I was always day dreaming and not paying attention to authority. In many ways I am still like that. I am very much inside my own head. I think that is why I love being a therapist. I finally get to get outside of myself. I can take on so much more if I am not self absorbed. I love being with my clients. I love the whole exchange and I know someday my practice will be full. I will have the income to live comfortable and not worry like I am right now. Maybe someday I will move and give my kids what they want. Jackson wants more space and a yard and Savanna wants her own bedroom. I want a laundry room and a patio. I don't need anything more then what I have right now. I am very happy were I am at. I guess it never hurts to think ahead and dream big. Sometimes it hurts that I am not giving the kids everything that Brian does. He has the house and the income. He has the stable career and his own hobbies. It sucks that my kids have to divide their life up. I think we are adjusting the best we can and I do my best to make sense of it. I find it funny that the one thing that bothers Jackson the most is my job. Maybe when he goes back to school it won't be such a big issue any more. When school starts we will have far more issues to worry about then my job! Yikes. I am not ready!! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Louise, I could use some positive reinforcements. I could use some refreshment course on how to live on a reduced budget with kids. It's so hard being the cool mom with limited funds. I don't think I am the only one with this problem. I am just feeling the crunch now that we are getting close to back to school and the needs for "stuff" is starting to increase. I will find a way to do it. My parents always managed and I will as well. I know that I can do it. I have the talent and the means. Plus, it's kind of fun telling my kids no. I don't think I do that nearly enough. I am learning. It's a great day being me! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I have a short fuse this week. I am not sure why my temper keeps flaring but Jackson is setting me off. I know it's normal for kids to be grumpy and tired. I know it's normal for kids to act out in frustration. I just wish I could stop myself from playing along. I can normally keep my cool but yesterday I was not able too and as a result Jackson and I got into a horrible fight. I feel horrible about it but he has already moved on. His ability to let go of his anger is amazing. It burns white hot but then it's gone. Mine will stay long after the flames have burned. I am the white coals at the bottom of the grille. I am working on understanding my anger. I know it comes from fear and that Jackson treats me with disrespect. I get that I am tired and grumpy too. I have to control my reactions. I have to remember I am the parent and I am acting out in Jackson's best interest. I can parent better. I will forgive myself and move on. It's what I do best. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you have to learn your lessons the hard way? It seems that some of my best lessons in life came with a grain of salt and pain. I tried to give Jackson the benefit of doubt and let him spend the night at a friends house. I know that he doesn't sleep well there and it's not a good idea but Jax can be persuasive. Being the "good mom" I let him go but at 3am the phone rang and it was Jax. "Please come get me...I can't sleep!" So I get up and he tells me "don't forget to put some pants on"...WHAT? Honestly, that boy of mine is very funny. He is worried how I am dressed in the middle of the night? I go pick him up and he has this huge look of relief on his face. We get in the car and I just look at him and say that some of our best lessons have to be learned the hard way and he couldn't agree more. Now he is sleeping in and in his own bed. It's a wonderful thing. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Today is a day of beauty. I finally see the sunshine and I am well rested. I will walk to church this morning and count my blessings. I am going to be okay. I know today is special and I will always love this day and all the wonderful things that used to happen. I do miss some parts of being married. I miss the partnership. I miss someone to hold me when I cry. I miss someone to hold my hand during a movie. I miss someone being home to help unload the groceries. I miss making dinner and eating as a family. I miss my laundry room. I don't miss my old house and I don't miss Brian as much as I thought I would. I do miss parts of him. I miss the good times in our early marriage. I miss the dreams. I miss the fun. I know that I have been blessed with years of good memories. I have been given a chance to have a new and happier life and I am doing just that. One sweet day at a time I am making sense of it. I never thought I wanted to get remarried but I do want to live with a man. I do because I love having someone to come home too. I love having someone to share my thoughts with. I love being part of a partnership. I hope someday I will get a second chance to have that. To build new dreams and have new memories. Today will always be a day of beauty. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I have always been sensitive to moods. I can pick up moods from strangers and carry them as my own. I am not exactly sure why I do that and how it happens but I can. Most of the time I am aware it is happening and can change my thought pattern but sometimes I can't. I let the negative power erode my positive thinking. I let the moods of others wrap around me and bring me down. I can read negative energy and get a false perception of it. I did last night and it is still haunting me. It is not helping that I am cold and tired. It is not helping that the sky is gray and I miss the sunshine. Lucky I do have some fun plans for this afternoon and my mood will improve. I will let the shift of time erase my mind and move on. I am not responsible for the moods of others. I am only responsible for mine! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, What to do when you crave change but can't stand it when it happens? You worry more about the event happening then once the event has started? Worry can rob the mind of so much enjoyment! Both my kids are excited and very nervous about the new school year. My sweet girl is heading off to high school and she feels she is going to get be eaten alive. I don't think she is that shy but she feels overwhelmed by all the changes and being with so many older students. I personally think she is going to love every second of it. I am sure she will blossom even more. Jax is finally returning to the same school building. I find that so funny after 6 years he is finally in the same school. I know he is more worried about what teachers he will have and if he can control his mouth. I am hoping he can!! I have to get both kids on the school bus this year but other then that it should be a smooth adjustment. The hardest adjustment Jax's is having is my career. He has never had anything come before him and he knows it. He knows that I would stop the world to help him but finally he see's me having other priorities. I am sure it is good for him but also very hard for him to swallow. I have to work. I love it and need it. I also know that this break is good for us and his dad can step up and help him when I can't. Maybe that is the biggest adjustment of all. Having to count on someone else and not me. I will always be his number one and we both know it. I just have to have a small break. I will always be flexible and in town. I will always be the one he sits and talks too. I will be the one he yells at and gives me a hard time. I am mom and nothing is going to get in the way of that! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you like the sound of rain? I love to hear and smell rain and this morning we are having a gentle shower and I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay under my covers and sleep all day. I want the rain to wash away my sins. I want to the rain to restore my heart. I want the rain to clean my wounds. I went to see a movie last night with Brenda and I don't know what to think about it. She told me it was going to be funny but it wasn't as funny as it could have been. In fact it was damn depressing and too much like real life. It's the movie called Spring Hope. It's about a couple that have no intimacy after several years of marriage. They act the part but are walking dead. I have lived it. I get it. It did have a happy ending and that is all I am going to say but sometimes life doesn't have the happy ending you want. You have to create your own happy ending and your own meaning to life. I love the sound of rain and knowing that earth is renewing herself right now. Mother Nature is a wonderful healer. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, What is more important in life love or passion? Being understood and wanted or dripping with lust and desire? Life for me is a funny at the moment while I am being torn between my emotions and my body. I have to listen to my heart and she is confused with desire and wants. She is not looking past the reality of today. She is caught up in the dream. The physical dream. The hurt that she felt is worth the risk. My heart wants him and only him. I am a fool to think I can ever have it all, but I can have most of it. I can have the dream if I am careful and I can have the passion I need if I create it inside. I don't have to go looking for other people to complete me. I already am. I have everything I need inside. I can live this dream one day at a time! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Louise, Do you ever feel your mind is control over you body or do you feel your body rules your mind? If you suffer from pain you know exactly what I am talking about. I am learning more about pain disorder and trying to figure out the mind body connection. I want to be able to give the help that is needed but realize this is an area I am not familiar with. I know for myself the more at peace I am in my mind the better my body feels. I know about mental disease and I know about physical disease but when you combine both you are dealing with a much bigger problem. How do I get someone to see the connection? I am always amazed at how we can ignore our own signs. How our gut has lost it's influence. I am a true believer that my gut knows exactly what is going on. If I am still and listen I have every answer given to me. Listen to your body and trust your mind. That is my mini lesson for the day! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sweet friends, I am in an odd mood. I didn't get much sleep last night. I was caught in a dream of romance and adventure. I was tossed between two worlds and trying to find my footing. I might never wake from this dream and I can't decide if it's a nightmare of just a cosmic joke. The heart loves in so many directions. I never thought I could be more wrong or confused about love. It's not a simple emotion. If it's even an emotion at all. I used to think I was an expert on love but I don't feel that way anymore. Now, I am just a confused woman. Grateful to have loved and been loved. Love, Michelle |
| Hello sunshine, If my mind is in the middle of my heart and soul...who wins? If they battle for peace and love...who wins? If I can't let go of the past and move on I stay hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to move on and be happy. Why can't I allow that? I deserve happiness and love. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be true to my heart and soul. I deserve to be at peace. I deserve it and I own it. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself and I have had enough of being monkey in the middle. I am making some hard decisions this month to live authentic and do the right thing. It is not easy and it makes me sad. Do you ever have to get mad at yourself before you make a change? I do. I have to get so sick and angry with myself that I can't take it anymore. I am so hard on myself but I have to be. No one else knows what it is like to live inside my head and my heart. I need a break so I am taking it. I am going to do the right thing for me. I need to let go and move on. I need to ask myself why I even want to be in a relationship and why I want to feel rejected. I may never get the answers I want but I will get the answers I need. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you ever dream of the ocean? Do you ever find yourself on vacation in your dreams and wake up feeling refreshed? I am feeling pretty close to it right now but realize it's time for a vacation. I need to find that place in my dreams. It was a clear ocean. It was smooth crystal clear blue water. It was a sandy beach and tropical fish. It was pure peace and I need to go find it. Now my question is how do I find it when I don't live near the ocean? I don't honestly have the funds for an airplane ticket and running away by myself seems risky. Still, I think it might be worth the risk for me to find some peace. I have to come up with some kind of vacation idea this month. I need to bring my emotions in balance. I would be happy if I could find the peace and live in my own dreams... Love, Michelle |
| Hello Louise, I have to say that I am not comfortable playing monkey in the middle but realize that being a good friend can put me in places I am not always happy to be. I love my friends and I am a good friend. I care deeply for the well being of my friends but also realize that I am not always in the best state of mind to give my friends what they need. Like good boundaries. I could never charge for my skills but wonder at times if I should. I never could do it. I have to remain a friend and never play professional therapist with my friends. I can not afford to ever jeopardize my license. I know better. I also know that I have to put some distance between my professional life and home life. I walk that line pretty tight. I need to get off the high wire and have solid footing. I am still learning what I need for my own sanity. I might be a risk taker but not with my career. I am and will always be so very proud of my accomplishment and knowledge. I will always be a professional and I will always be crazy me. It's a good thing! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Louise, This is going to be a long month! I love August and have many reasons to celebrate this last month of summer! I also know that this is going to be a very emotional and difficult month for me. August is the month of my engagement, my marriage, and my divorce. It is the month that the circle is complete. It is the month of the Blue moon. It is the month of romance and broken dreams. I am taking a full months break from romance. I am making a personal goal that I must accomplish. I have to allow myself every single day this month to heal. I am going to go on a vacation by myself. I am going to get comfortable being me. I am going to spend time in reflection and time looking and planning forward. I am so excited to be me and to continue my love affair with August. Love, Michelle |
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