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The place to be for positive reinforcements! |
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Hello My Sunny Pals, Welcome back to Shellyville.... 
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| Hello my sunny pals, I wonder how long I can keep my true feelings hidden. I wonder how long I can go living on this limited budget. I have to make some serious changes. Speaking of changes my kids are here this week and I am always amazed at how much abuse moms can take. Savanna is always saying I am annoying and touchy-feeling. Jackson is just mad that I am here and actually telling him NO! Being consistent with two households is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have so much guilt about the divorce now. Esp sense Jackson is so mad at me. I have pain now that I see I am not giving my kids what they are used too. However, I am not going to beat myself up. I am not going to allow the changes to influence how I am. I do parent with my feelings. I do love my kids. I do love myself. I am taking it one day at a time. That is the best I have to offer! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, It has been seven years that my sweet town has hosted the Smokin Jazz festival. I can't believe how time can go so fast. I love how this festival has grown! I took the kids last night but it started to rain so we went home but we could still hear the music. I love how sound travels. It's going on all day so after we get our chores done we are going to spend the day uptown. Both kids are still in bed. I think this back to school stuff is kickin in. They need to sleep. High school is so darn early and Jax likes to get up early so he can spend time on his computer before school. I love it. All is well in my world. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Okay so I am not really an artist but someday I might be one! Maybe if I would have spent more time painting and not just thinking about painting I would have more to show for myself. I love to paint but never spent much time at it. I think a true artist is someone who really works on their craft every day. I would say I am a writer. I write every day. I would love to get back to being a poet but I have to let my emotions direct me. I will always be under the influence of my moods to write good poetry. I tried several times to ignore this fact but it just doesn't work. I have to be inspired. I love my life! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I went out late last night and spent some time under the stars. I am always amazed at the art in the sky. Stars have always interested me and I think I even seen one fall. I wish I knew more about the constellations but I have my favorites and know a few. It seems as those never change. How funny that the stars are placed exactly were they are suppose to be. I think I am finally figuring out were I am suppose to be as well. I get to play star tonight and I am very excited about my new opportunity to shine. I am my own star! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunshine! I have decided to let go of my expectations. I have decided to just go with the flow of my passion and let it bring me what I need. I can't always question the motives of others. Sometimes I have to just trust the process of life. Ever changing and evolving. I learn something new every day and I am learning what it is like to live single. On most days I love it. On other days I just want to get through the hours. I find true balance in being open to all my emotions. When I don't panic or worry I am open to new experiences and can find the pleasure in my simple life. Today will be a long day and I will fill it with simple joys and painting. I am finding my true heart in painting. I know I will improve and get better the more I practice. I do need to pick up some art books. I might go out this afternoon and see what I can find at some resale shops. I am so happy today! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you have kiddies getting on the big yellow bus today? I do and I am not even there to hold their hand and watch them go. They have finally out-grown momma. They are little independents and I am so proud of them! I love summer but know that the school year is good for my kids. They need the structure and their friends. I need the peace during the day to concentrate on my career. I am a very lucky women because things always work out for me. I might have to struggle and I might have to cry and be sad but over-all things always find a way to get better. I made it through my hardest month. I survived. It wasn't easy and it sure ended poorly but now I can move on. I am getting closer to what I need and want. Every day brings me so much more hope and wonder. It's a great day! Love, Michelle |
| Hello sunshine, I guess it is true, what goes around comes around. I am feeling the effects of my wayward heart. I knew the timing was wrong. I knew something wasn't settled but my heart loved anyway. My heart did not plan ahead. My heart did not plan ahead for the day when we would need to take a break and step away. I don't know if it is over but it feels like it. It might as well be with how I feel. I don't know if I can take a break. If I can continue to date other guys and not think of him. How can I pretend? How can I be fake? I am one hell of an actress. I will find something to keep me focused so my heart continues to beat. It's such a sad day when we are scared to love. It's such a sad day when we don't give in to our basic needs. I hope he finds the time he needs to figure it out. I can't do it for him. I will be here loving him. I will be here living my life to the best of my ability. I will be here missing him. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Today is my dad's birthday. I no longer celebrate it. I just remember it. The pain has eased over the last ten years and I don't feel so bad anymore when this day comes. I know I am still loved. I know that in heaven my dad still has a connection with me. In his own kind and loving way he still guides me and is looking out for me. I feel his pride. I am sure he is a little stunned by some of my behavior but over all I know I have his support and even his understanding. He was for many years the only man in my life. My best friend and my everything. I will always be a daddy's girl and I will always look to men for answers. I will always seek the one relationship that reminds me the most like my father. I don't know why but I just am going to be honest about it. It's who I am. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, If you love sports than you have to love being downtown Detroit! I mean all the cool sports stadiums are next to each other. In every direction I looked I seen something amazing. I love the big city! I love being outside on a warm summer night and seeing so many happy people enjoying the Detroit Tigers!! Of course, I am a little spoiled. I did get into the game for free! I was my girl friends date and I have to Thank the University of Phoenix Alumni for hosting such a fun event. They provided a great meal and great seats!! Plus, my girl friend got awarded for all her community work. It was so cool to see Stefanie get the recognition she deserves. I love hanging out with her. It so funny because she is at least 20 years younger then me and I always tease her that people think I am her mom. She laughs and says no I am more like her big sister but that she is the mature one! She is! I don't know if am ever going to grow up! I don't think I have too!! Have a wonderful day! Love, Michelle ps...It's the start of the college football season GO MICHIGAN!! |
| Hello Sunshine, Happy Weekend! I hope you have great plans for a fun and exciting weekend. Enjoy the HOT weather! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sweet friends, I feel like I need a little Sparkle in my life. I need to let go of some of the darkness and let my inner light shine. I need to increase my confidence and have a little fun! I know how I am going to do that...By exploring my creativity! By letting my personality and my love of people and art shine. I have an interview tonight for a part time job that I am so excited about. It's a good day! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I have to get back to the simple things in life. I have to get back to the basics. I see things spinning out of control right now and it scares me. I don't want to live in a world were I fear my emotions. I don't want to live with people that can not support me or understand my issues. I am so upset with my ex I can barely think. I don't understand how he can be so clueless about his own child. I don't get what he was honestly thinking. I am angry and hurt. I want my kids to feel secure and loved. I want them to know that I am doing the best to support them and help them out. One good week out of a hundred is not enough. I need to see some positive changes. I know they start with me. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I live with many moods but the one that scares me the most is anger. I grew up with a family that was very explosive. I was often afraid that I would get hurt. I couldn't escape the danger. Now I see my sweet and loving daughter feeling the same way. I have no words of comfort for her. I am not always here to protect her. I was gone for 15 minutes to pick up a movie for her and her girl friend and Jackson went crazy. He was angry that she had a friend over. He was angry that I wasn't home. He was angry that he has two houses. I missed the entire explosion but when Savanna called me I rushed home to find my house almost destroyed. Things knocked over and two sweet little girls scared and crying. It was a horrible scene and Jackson was screaming at me. For my own protection I grabbed a wooden spoon. I was in fight mode but something washed over me and I sat down to talk to Jackson. I think it was if all the fight left my body and I was just sad. So sad to see my son in such a horrible mental spot. He did calm down and we talked. He told me this was the first time he felt scared of himself. He was worried that he could have really hurt the girls. He cried. He told me he hates being bipolar. He told me he hates that he can't control his moods. He hates being angry. I hate that as much as I want to change this I feel helpless. I have to find some way to help us all!! Love Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I have no idea what normal is anymore but I get a lot closer to it when my kids are home! It feels right to have them here. I love being a mom. I love the exchange of laughter and conversations. I love cooking meals and being close. It is the simple things in life that bring me the greatest joy. It also helps me keep grounded because the rest of the world around me can spin out of control in one phone call. I got a call last night that honestly I should not have answered but it was a local number and I felt I had to answer it. I could have let it go to voice mail and I would have saved myself some sleep. I often wonder why God is testing me. I often wonder why I am a therapist and if I have the strength to take on and help strangers. I think I do it because I know I don't have to fix anything I only have to help the client find a way to fix their own problems. I do it because I care about people. I do it because it makes me feel good. I also do it because I need an income. I do it because it is a career that picked me. I love it but it sure is challenging. It is going to rock the core of my beliefs and values. It is going to test my own sanity. It is incredible how much I keep learning about myself. I love it!! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny friends, Have you ever been to Hell? In Michigan we have this little town called Hell and let me tell ya it's a fun little place! I got to visit with a new friend I met Thursday night. I told ya that paint party was a good time! I met Joey and he owns a motorcycle and I told him I wanted to go for a ride. So he offered and took me to Hell! I haven't been a passenger on a bike in over 30 years. I was 17 the last time I had the experience. I felt so young and free! It was a very hot day so the trip to Hell seemed appropriate! I actually had a great time being a biker chick and meeting new people and hanging out. I loved every second of the day. I felt relaxed and totally myself. I can't remember the last time I felt so good being out on a date. I guess because this didn't feel like your typical date. It was just a friend taking me on an adventure. It was a day of no expectations and only fun. I need a lot more fun in my life and I am thinking I might even need to go back to Hell! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Louise, I finally figured out what I have been freaking out about. Security. I want it and need it. I need to feel safe from harm and risks. I need to feel protected from myself. I want freedom from being scared. From having high anxiety and worry. I am looking for someone to protect me. I wish this wasn't true. I wish I could feel secure on my own. I do in so many ways. I have my career and my bills all under control. I have my safe house and my loving friends and family. I have adventures and new goals. What I don't have is the security of my father or a husband. I don't have that one man that kept me grounded. I have never been on my own. I went from my dad's house to Brian's. I never lived alone. I love living alone. I love my freedom and I love my time that I have when the kids are not here. I am also a freaking basket case this week because the kids are on vacation and have not talked to me. Even when my kids are not here with me they are close by and they communicate with me. I can see them when I want and can. Not having them around this week has really reminded me how lonely life can be. I need my kids. They are the security that I am not crazy. I need to know that I am connected to something bigger and greater than myself. Maybe someday I will meet a man that will bring me more security but until then I have to find it in myself. I have to believe in my choices. I have to believe that I am safe from harm and risks. I am taking care of my needs. I am in charge of what happens in my life. I have everything I will ever need to feel secure inside. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am an artist! I always seem to find myself in the right place at the right time. I knew my creativity had been needing a boost so when I got an email last week about a Paint and Pour party event at the art studio in town I knew I needed to sign up! I talked some girlfriends into joining me and last night we painted. It was an experience I won't soon forget. Brenda had never painted before in her life. It was like watching a kid in a candy store! All of the energy in the room was positive and fun! It was art class for adults and it was something my soul had been aching for. Our picture last night was Van Gogh's starry night over Monet's water lilies and the bridge over the mill pond in Brighton. It turned out pretty cool and with 20 different artist in the room all the pictures were the same but different. It was very original. It was the reminder I needed to start living again. I can let go of some of my stress and be happy. I am very happy today! Love, Michelle |
Hello my sunny pals, I just wrote this wonderful blog about snakes and sex and then my computer crashed and I lost it. I get so mad when that happens! My morning ritual is to write my blog and figure out my moods. To make sense of my thoughts and to put my day in perspective. I am in this strange place of feeling tested. I know God loves me! I know that I am on the right path and that my recovery is happening. I also wonder why so many temptations keep popping up. Why must I question life? Why can't I just accept that things are strange and they don't always make sense? I want and need to be content. I need to find peace in my soul. I am falling in love with a man that continues to test my boundaries of sanity. I never expected this. I never knew I could be so scared and excited at the same time. I want to trust the process of life and live in the moment. I also want to fast forward and get past this little spot of uncertainty. I don't want to get hurt but I know I have no control over that. I am opening my heart for every possibility and that scares the crap out of me! I never thought I would be truly ready to love again but I am. I told my girlfriend Tea that I didn't think he would be ready for me and her response was "Shelly, would any man ever be ready for you?" I don't think so! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you ever make mistakes with your words? Do you ever get caught up in the moment and say something you probably shouldn't have? A few days ago I called Brian an Idiot in front of the kids. In fact I told them exactly that. I was upset that he purchased a play station for Jax. I didn't think he needed the gaming unit for no reason esp sense his birthday is coming up in October! In my own struggling mind I forgot that it's not nice to call your ex-husband an idiot. I was thinking even if we were married I would have said that out loud. I do use my words. I am expressive. I can't hold anything inside. I have lost my sensor that connects my brain to my words. I let my emotions rule and I get myself in trouble. Not all the time but sometimes my words have come back to haunt me. Jackson tells Brian every single thing that I do and say. He reports back to him the smallest detail. I am sure Brian is thrilled with knowing so much about his ex! I find it kind of funny until Brian calls me out on it. He has no trouble with confrontation now that we are divorced. He would have never said anything to me while we were married. He would have let it all slide. I even got called out for something that someone else said. However I got the answer I was wondering about. I told you recently that someone keeps telling me that Brian and I are going to get back together. Well...It got back to Brian that I said that we were getting back together and let me tell you he was PISSED! First of all I never told anyone that. Jackson's friend over heard me talking to his mom and came to his own conclusion on that and of course shared it with my son who couldn't wait to tell his dad! Oh man the look on Brian's face was priceless. He had this look of horror and OMG she is CRAZY! I almost felt sorry for him. I am laughing now but at the time it wasn't really that funny. I felt bad that he was mad at me. I felt bad that he thinks I am crazy and I felt bad that this is how our relationship is always going to be. Strange! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Do you like fish? Do you like to go fishing? I can honestly say I am not a huge fan but will on occasion get talked into fishing with my gal pal Brenda. In fact she loves to take me! Last night we went on Whitmore Lake with her paddle boat and I caught a Bass! Mind you I did not touch the fish or bait the hook with those slimy green worms. No...I fish but with limited skills. I just sat back and drank my beer while Brenda does all the work. I don't know how she can do it but she loves touching the fish, unhooking them and then setting them free. I meanwhile enjoyed the scenery and the company. I love the simple things in life. I love the stillness of a lake at sunset. I love the smell of fresh water and I love salt in my beer. I love my life! Love, Michelle |
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