Inconsistency

Poem written when I felt far from God and unsure of His direction for my life.

Every thought, every word
is held back, tainted
by doubt, by fear.
I know Your strong, unfailing arms
are always ready to catch me...
but what if I won't let you?
I wish that I could leap into the sky
with the confidence of a bird,
unintimidated by the distance of the ground below,
and that I could see (clearly)
Your love,
Your plan and how I am supposed to fit into it.
But instead,
I'm kneeling in the dirt,
squinting into the sky
and trying to find You.
Where are You, God?
Where am I supposed to look?
Frustration and dissatisfaction
plague my fading life.
I want to know so much more,
to do something with my life...
to make it worthy of Your sacrifice.
But I've been turning in circles,
forever distant from You.
The same doubts, the same weaknesses
find me
and the same Kim as yesterday, last fall and a year ago...
is reaching out to You,
once again.
Should I thus be comforted in the consistency
of my inconsistency?