The Sound of Silence (DND)

Inanis can’t sleep

‼️Inanis is not mine. He belongs to my good friend bftcbeefy.bsky.social. Posted with permission‼️

‼️CW: depression, body dysphoria, implied suicidal thoughts, insomnia, identity and self-esteem issues, homesickness, repression‼️

The night was moonless.

Clouds drifted along the dark skies and shielded the world from the moon’s brilliant light. The waters were still. No rushing waves, no swooshing, no bubbling. Only the silent splash of the boat as it seamlessly cut through the endless seas. A strange eerie calm hung in the ocean air. All had retreated to their beds for the night. All but one.

Inanis couldn’t sleep. Granted, his unique anatomy as a man of oil meant sleep wasn’t necessary. But after everything that had transpired over the last few months, the crew encouraged him to give it a try. Many nights would fly by as Inanis entered dreamland. And he liked it. Alone time. A much-needed escape from thoughts of a lost lifetime and the questions of identity.

But tonight, sleep would elude him. Inanis stared up at the roof of the cabin as his crew slept soundly around him. Silent. Dark. Anxiety churning his stomach. It seemed the starry skies that he abandoned called out to him. The stars were like little lanterns guiding him back to them.

He crept by Zenya and Raguel and walked out onto the wooden surface of the boat, hearing the creak of the boards. He would find himself alone among the stars. He wanted to be alone. Write away the woes of his inky heart in his journal. Silence all around him. And tonight, his soul ached like hell.

It would hit him sometimes. Hard. The existential implications of this despised life that fate unrelentingly sent upon him. What was he if not a mistake? A creature not meant to exist, to live. Trapped in a body he didn’t ask for, one so unfit, strange, and wrong.

Inanis sighed and laid his journal down on the flat surface of a barrel. Then rested his head atop his hands along the guard rail of the boat. His mind was a storm. He let his arm hang down over the edge. Staring down in the ripples of the dark, monstrous ocean. Yet trying to mask the darkness inside that tempted him to lose control. How worth it was life if he didn’t even desire to live it?

“Hey, big guy! You’re gonna be froze out here tonight!” A voice grounded Inanis in reality.

Inanis didn’t look for the voice. Only staring across the water. He wanted to facepalm. Not alone anymore. Silence, disturbed. The voice made its way over to Inanis. Now just inches from his space on the boat.

“Inanis? Inaniy, can you hear me?”

Unfortunately so. Not right now. Could they talk in the morning? Inanis slightly turned toward his visitor whose arms were now crossed comfortably along the edge of the boat. Zenya stood there, looking at Inanis. Then she turned back, taking in the same sight as him. Zenya only continued to talk.

“What you doing out here all by yourself? No fun when you’re alone. Far~ too quiet for me. It is very pretty out here though.”

“I couldn’t sleep…”

Inanis grunted. Too quiet for her, now? It was perfect until just a minute ago. Inanis buried his head in his last remaining arm. Shouldn't she be in bed right now, anyway? Zenya continued with a chuckle as if reading Inanis’ mind.

“Me neither,” she breathed. “Been feeling a little down.”

At that, Inanis perked up in surprise. Zenya? Unable to sleep? Feeling down? This wasn’t like her. The two hadn’t known each other for very long. But one thing Inanis noticed about Zenya was her consistent uplifting attitude and empowerment. He lifted his head and glanced toward the girl. She was smiling sadly.

“It’s my boy’s birthday today. Can’t believe he’s turning seven. It still feels so strange to be away from my son.”

Inanis was listening intently now. Zenya rarely ever spoke about her home and family. Until now, Inanis never knew of her son. Only of her husband. The crew knew of her predicament in her hometown, and Anastasia had vowed to help her take it back. But other than that, she was always the same fun-loving Bard the crew had grown to appreciate. Inanis had never seen her let herself become vulnerable.

But neither had Inanis let himself be vulnerable.

“Every year that passes, it only gets harder and harder to be away. But, that’s enough about me, I talk too much anyway,” Zenya laughed. “My apologies, friend. So, are you okay?”

Vulnerable. The two were silent for a moment. A breeze blew through the air. The silence Inanis originally longed for returning. But he didn’t feel…calm. Inanis wanted to be vulnerable. He could trust the half-elf beside him, he knew that. But the lock in his heart that held his deepest sorrows would not allow itself to release from inside. Only able to be set free through the pages of his journal. Perhaps, another night.

“I’m fine…”

“Alright,” Zenya yawned. “I’m gonna go give sleep another go. Take care of yourself.”

But at the moment, Inanis felt something new. A need he never knew he wanted till now. Inanis turned away from the water as Zenya began to walk away and spoke.

“Zenya?”

“Um?”

“…stay? Please?”