RUINED

how can I love the woman who created me but wish I could hate her

I’m ruined
Completely utterly ruined
he told me he would never make me do something I was uncomfortable with
And I joked it was a turn on
Before I cried

But I cried because I can't remember
I can't remember the moment my choice got taken
I can't remember what my own mother did to me
And yet I can remember before
I can remember the happy memories

Before she left
before she took my body
Before she gave up on me
It makes me wonder if the bad even happened
How can I know it happened, but I can't remember

Its as if the memory is locked away
And that somehow makes it hurt worse
Because if I could remember it
I could hate her
I wouldn't miss her

Im ruined
Completely utterly ruined
I wish I could remember what she did
Instead of simply feeling it
All I want is to hate her
I don't want to miss my mom anymore

With Love,_____