A Blessing To Pass

All she needed was someone to tell her...

A Blessing To Pass

All she needed was someone to tell her... "It's okay, you don't have to fight anymore, you can go now."


         Jackie is a wonderful person (I say is because even though she passed away, I know she still lives on, watching over her husband, daughters, and the grandkids she lived life for. So I will continually speak of her as if she were here in the present). She has a heart of gold that is hard to find in people anymore, willing to help strangers out of kindness and nothing more.

         By the time I got to know Jackie, she was in her fifties and had already suffered a few heart attacks, but she never let them keep her down. If you meet her you would think she was younger and healthier. Her youngest daughter is close in age with me so not only did I find friendship with Jackie, I bonded with her daughter. Now I must clarify, we are friends, Jackie and I, but it wasn't a close friendship until the end. We share a common pastime, playing bingo, and that is how I found out she was in the hospital. Her best friend had stepped in to tell some of Jackie's other friends she was in the hospital. I know that if I had not gone to bingo that night, I never would have known she was sick and I never would have had the chance to say good bye to her.

         As soon as I got home that night I told my husband that she was at the hospital and I wanted to go see her. I didn't know exactly what was wrong with her and I honestly was not expecting anyone to tell me she was dying. By the time I got to the hospital it was past visiting hours, but luckily this hospital always seems lenient in their rules. Not only was it past hours, she was also in ICU, which means friends are not allowed. The nurse in charge of Jackie was very kind though and very saddened. Least to say she was happy to see a visitor for Jackie. The nurse told me Jackie had been alone all day. Not a single family member had been in to see her. My heart sank. I broke down right then and there without even knowing what was wrong with her. The nurse led me into Jackie's room and the moment my eyes looked upon her, my heart broke. 'This isn't Jackie,' was all I could think. The nurse still stood in the door way and I swear I saw tears in her eyes. Then she walked over to Jackie, held her hand and looked at me and said, "I'm so glad someone has finally come to be with her. She's not expected to make it through the next tweenty-four hours and I hated that she had been alone." I couldn't, I wouldn't ask what happened. This poor nurse was already so devastated, I decided my attention belonged to Jackie, not asking the nurse for details, as bad as I wanted to know. I held Jackie's hand, I talked to her, I asked her to wake up and talk to me. She was not in a comma but she was in so much pain, they dosed her up with medicine to knock her out. I was grateful for that, but I so wanted her to know someone was there.

         My tears couldn't stop flowing. I was angry, upset and confused. While I talked to her, my mind raced with so much anger towards her family. My God, she had so many family members nearby and it tore me apart that not a single one of them had stopped in even for a minute. I stayed for what only seemed like thirty minutes, but was actually three hours. I wanted to stay all night, not leaving her alone, not knowing when or if someone else would come and be with her. As I left, I stopped and thanked the nurse and asked her if any family member had even bothered to at least call. I knew the answer already, but God I wanted some kind of hope. Sadly she answered no.

         I sat in my car in the parking lot for a long time. I couldn't drive, I was so angry, so hurt, so scared I was trembling and my eyes were flooded with tears, I couldn't see. On the drive home a song came on the radio. Oh how it made me think of Jackie. I had to pull over to the side of the road and gather myself once more. This song played every time I went to see Jackie and played again as I drove home each night. Every time I had to stop the car and get control of myself. Even after she passed away it still effected me so much and still reminds me of her as I hear it now four years later.

My Inmortal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6cZZgwFBX4


         I told my husband about everything when I got home and I begged him to let me go back in the morning. He was as angry with her family as me and so he agreed. He wanted a chance to see her as well but he had to work later that day so decided he would go right after work, then come home and let me go again. We both didn't want her alone. She didn't deserve that, not after everything she did for us and so many others. As you can imagine, I couldn't sleep that night. I didn't sleep well for a long time after that night either.

         When I got to her room the next morning, again she was alone and she looked even worse than the night before. Her body was swollen, bruised and her chest was sunk in. I wanted to climb in that bed and take her place. My heart ached. God she didn't deserve this. Unlike the night before though, she was some what awake. Not able to talk, but she opened her eyes and moaned every once in awhile. She was definitely in pain and I did my best to try and comfort her. I really don't know if i ever did though. Finally, after an hour, family showed up, her husband and youngest daughter. I wanted to scream and yell at them, I wanted to lash out and smack sense into them, but I didn't. I couldn't, for Jackie's sake. Instead I smiled and filled them in on the night before and what had happened since I had been there. They thanked me for coming and her daughter pulled me aside and I finally found out what happened. My God, I was mortified!

         The day she came into the hospital she had been very ill; vomiting, feverish, clammy, all the symptoms of the flu. The doctor gave her an injection of medicine that would calm her vomiting at least and that is when everything took a turn for the worse. She was allergic to the medicine they had given her and the damage began immediately. It infected her liver, then spread from there causing her kidneys to fail, then other internal organs began to slowly shut down. Then it traveled to her heart, causing her to have yet another heart attack. Her body was slowly dying. There was nothing the doctors could do to stop it. All they could do was ease her pain and wait for her to pass.

         Hell no I wasn't accepting this! No way on earth would this woman give up! Jackie loved her grandkids too much to give up without a fight, and fight she did. She struggled so hard that she made it through those twenty-four hours and in another twenty-four she was awake, able to talk, comprehend, and even joke about wanting to go outside and have a cigarette as well as go to bingo. My hope rose with every word she spoke, there was no doubt in my mind she was going to pull through, even though her husband kept telling me there was no chance she was going to recover. 'How blind is this man?' I wondered.

         That same night they moved Jackie to a private room because more family from out of state was expected. Finally, she would never be left alone. The next day I met her older sister, brother, another daughter, and an aunt and uncle. Me and her older sister connected immediately, just like Jackie and I had. I learned a lot about Jackie and her family through her sister and I still cherish the time I spent talking to her. I feel blessed to have met her. She had agreed with my frustration to the rest of the family which made me comfortable enough to express my thoughts about her recovering and she held hope as well. It seemed we were the only two that did.

         Jackie was still coherent and excited that all the family was around. She joked more, talked more, recognized who was there and who wasn't. I swear to you, she was almost her normal healthy self. 'Damn why couldn't everyone else see it? Why were they still moping around and telling everyone it was just a matter of time?' I was so angry with them all, except her sister.

         That hope diminished on the sixth day. For three days she had seemed to be getting better, then the sixth night, after the crowd of family had gone, she took a turn for the worse. It was as if those three days didn't even happen. I cried, I cried so hard and every single person in her family couldn't believe I was crying. Once again they reminded me that all along I was told, 'she was never going to recover. Why did I get my hopes up? The damage was too severe for anyone to survive even a fighter like Jackie. It was just a waiting game. (Those words, damn those words, like she wasn't human!) The doctors were simply easing her pain while her body finally shut down completely.' Her body had swollen back up, her skin was chapped every where, and she was black and blue from head to toe.

         That very same day, her family from out of state, had to leave. None of them wanted to, but all of them had jobs to return to, lives they had to get back to. Before they left they talked Jackie's husband into taking her off the IV's and medicines and to take her home to let her pass. I knew that's what she wanted, to be with family and with the others leaving, at least she wouldn't ever be alone if she was at home.


         So the plan was set up, if she made it through another night, she would go home. With being off the IV's and medications, her body went back to it's normal size and she didn't look so bruised. The only thing they continued to give her was pain medicine she received through a patch. I don't think it helped much as she went back to moaning, but now it was constant, low moans. She never opened her eyes either.

         She did make it through that night, although now I wish she hadn't, and she was sent home. A nurse was sent out to visit her regularly and her husband and daughter where given instructions on how to make her as comfortable as possible. I was welcomed to come and be with her and gladly accepted, although I was sure with her being at home, there was no chance she was going to be left alone. I was mistaken.

         Her first day home I had gone over twice and both times found her alone. They had set her bed up in the office, the room closest to the front door. I was heart broken to know the door was always closed and everyone went on with their lives as if she was already gone. On the first visit, her daughter had told me that the nurse informed her it was best that she not give Jackie food if she asked for it. It would only prolong her passing. My mouth dropped to the floor. 'How could anyone suggest such an inhumane thing and how in the hell could her family ignore her final wishes?' Obviously I couldn't stay very long. At least in the hospital, I could walk the hallways and get away to calm down. Here in her house there was no escape except to leave, but I promised to return later and I did just that.

         I went home and vented and cried to my husband, calmed down for awhile, played with my kids, and went back. Again she was alone. I sat there beside her, holding her hand, brushing her hair and reading to her. At one point her husband passed by, as I left the door open when I was there, looked in, smiled at me and asked if there were any changes. I told him that her breathing was very shallow and he told me it was expected, then he walked away. An hour later, her daughter popped her head in, looked at me and what came out of her mouth stunned me, angered me, and hurt. "Just checking to see if she's still breathing," and just like that she walked away. Neither of them came back to the room the rest of the time I was there. As I left, I said my good-bye to Jackie as I had always done and promised I would be back. Her husband followed me out to my car, asking me why I still felt the need to cry. I swear I have never met people more insensitive than her husband and daughter.

         I went home and vented again, then sat down and wrote Jackie a poem. I am so angry at myself for not making a copy of it, I know they didn't keep it like I had hoped they would. The next day I told myself I wouldn't leave because I got angry. I had things I needed to say to her and call me selfish, but I wanted her to open her eyes just once and see I was there. I read my poem to her over and over until I couldn't talk anymore. I found myself wanting to beat on her chest to try and get her to open her eyes. Of course I didn't. I just begged and begged and begged some more while standing over her.

         Jackie's breathing was more shallow than ever and I knew it wouldn't be long, or at least I was hoping. I was so tired of seeing her suffer through the pain as well as the loneliness she had to have felt. I took a deep breath, bent over to her ear, read my poem to her one last time and whispered, "It's okay. You don't have to fight anymore. I'm not even asking you to open your eyes. It's okay, you can go now." I sat down and stared at her till the darkness crept into her room. It was time for me to go. I once again said my good-byes and promised to return. I walked out of her room, closed her door behind me, looked at her husband and told him I'd be back the next day, but that I didn't think it was going to be long now. He looked at me, looked at her door, looked back at me and said, "alright."

         As I walked to my car, traffic was flowing by and neighbors were out enjoying the beautiful weather, but all I could hear was the sound of the fan running that was placed in the window of the room she was in.

         An hour later, her husband knocked on my door and told me she was gone. She had passed about twenty minutes after I left. He thanked me for being there for her all along and asked me not to be a stranger to her family just because she was gone. I nodded my head, but I knew in my heart this was the last time I would ever face him, and it was.

         I later found out through her best friend that she was indeed alone in her room when she passed. I pray it's the way she wanted it, because it kills me to know that all those people where there in the same house and yet no one took the time to sit with her and tell her what it was she needed to hear.

         Don't get me wrong, I know everyone grieves in their own way, but damn to ignore Jackie completely was selfish not grieving, especially after everything else hurtful and disrespectful they had said and did. All she wanted was to know she could stop her pain and everyone would be okay. I've never spoken to anyone in her family since, although I regret not keeping in touch with her sister. Jackie is a great person, she deserved and deserves better and I will never let her die.

My message to anyone who finds themselves in a situation like this is- Grieve for your loved one, but don't beg them to hang on longer. Let them know you don't want them to suffer, that you'll be alright with them gone and know in your heart of hearts, they will always be with you and one day you will meet again. Give them your blessing to end their pain and join their soul to Heaven.