Perfect Desire

What push would you need to get what you want?

I see so many things from my room window. The concrete jungle outside almost makes this room be enough for my existence, the objects inside it the only things I need to live. A computer and a seat, it seems that’s all I need; and the World outside my window. Cars honk their horns and people walk by in crowds during rush hours, and I just sit here, seeing everything with bloodshot eyes, taking the occasional moment to look back at the bright screen that seems to shout at my back.

“What do you see, Robert?” eerily, the voice creeps from behind me, I don’t dare turn around.

“People” I answer as politely as I can, I’ve angered it once before and I haven’t been able to think right since. “People walking by, people with lives” I find myself rambling on as I inch closer and closer to the window, until my head is pressed on the crystal clear glass.

“Monotony, dear Robert” its dreadful hiss itched at the back of my neck, I could tell by his slow breath that he was smiling behind my back. I dared not turn around.

Slowly, I shifted my head to the right, hoping to get a quick glimpse of him before my fear overtook me again. I feared that he would explode my eyes from my green irises if he saw me, or strangle my neck with only his naked sight, or make my heart stop and kill me in seconds. So many ways he could kill me, yet he stands there talking to me. I turned my head, slower and slower, I couldn’t see anything; I kept turning my head to the side, slowly. I inched closer until I could see only the empty room behind me, I tensed up and turned quickly only to face myself; the large mirror at the end of the room stared back at me with frightened eyes. The man in it had short brown hair and his green eyes bled pure fear of what he could not see, his youth spoke by itself. Not unpretty, the man slowly shifted his eyesight to the bright screen peering out at him, he gulped deeply and sat down in the chair in front of it.

My fingers uneasily set themselves across the keyboard, I did my best to type quickly, but the typos choked my skill. The trembling in my fingers was too severe.

“Do you fear that the World is staring back at you, Robert?” in rapid milliseconds, my Notepad opened and typed words by itself; the keys didn’t move. Staring at the ghost in the machine’s creation, my jaw dropped and I looked at it agape, wondering what to do next. But, I knew I could only do one thing: answer.

“What if it is?” I typed slowly, never taking my eyes off his words.

“What does the World think of a young man cooped up in his apartment? A hermit?” the letters appeared quickly now, faster than any human being could ever learn to type. “What does the World feel towards you, Robert? Sadness? Pity? Anger? What do YOU feel when you look out that window?” the words stopped abruptly and I considered my guest’s question, but before I could answer him, he answered first. “WHO do you feel like, Robert?”

My mind clicked and my lips stretched into a smile, I do not know what beauty lays inside my mind, but it feeds me beauties, poems in hisses and psalms in computers. Two years ago, ever since I started to fear the World outside, he spoke to me. First, I feared for my own sanity, then I began talking back to my “friend”. He had never done me wrong, until the day I looked at him. His skin did not exist and his being was a shadow in the moon’s light, his eyes shone a bright jade green and he had more teeth than any human being. And he never stopped grinning.

“Do you feel like God, Robert?” my mind had wandered in thought and I had flat out forgotten about our conversation. Again, he answered for me. “Do you enjoy looking down upon people you KNOW are below you? Is it enticing? What do you feel when you see that blonde that walks by every morning at 8 o’ clock, Robert?”

“She’s a redhead” I spoke out aloud, for once, I wasn’t going to play by his tricks. I wanted to talk to him, not spend my days typing my life to him. “She’s not blonde, she’s a redhead” but, I feared for myself.

“Does she turn you on?” the slither of snakes behind me forced me to hold tight the edges of my seat and gasp, I still didn’t dare to turn around. His hissing breath danced behind me in wheezing gasps. “Does her flowing hair make your pants tight? Do her breasts force you to satisfy that tightness?” he began to prod me with his words, to tease me; just like friends do. “Do you want to rip off her skirt and take her into a dark alley?” I felt his tongue at the back of my neck, I had enough. I jumped out of my chair and did a quick 360 to only see the World outside my glass window and the people that made it twist and turn. Just like clockwork.

Sweat beads rushed down my forehead, but my focus quickly shifted to the chiming clock hanging from my cream colored wall: 8 o’ clock in the morning. I rushed to the window and pressed my face and hands against it, my eyes quickly darted back and fourth looking for a bright shade of red. I searched and searched, I spent a minute of loneliness and despair before I finally laid eyes on her. Her perfect figure was hidden behind a trenchcoat to shield her from the cold, but her hair moved in easy waves that soothed my insides. The visible skin on her legs told me of the short skirt that laid further up. If I could just…

“Rip it off and fuck her brains out!” he was behind me again, cackling like a maniac; every time he spoke his voice sounded more and more familiar. “You can’t deny your basic animal instinct, Robert. You ARE descended from a damn monkey, after all! Millions of years ago, if a man wanted something, he would just take it. Even if it was a woman, what has changed?”

“Civilization changed!” I yelled out, not daring to turn around, but letting my anger scream out at him from my back. “People became civilized, they got rights” regaining my composure, I forced myself to make more sense.

“Do you think they deserve them?” he spoke slowly now, I could hear his loud thumping footsteps walking towards me; almost beside me now. “What makes you so different from them, Robert? They’re trapped by the World itself, you’re trapped by yourself. If you free yourself, what would be holding you back?” suddenly, his words made an inkling of sense and my fear of facing him slowly dissipated.

“Nothing” I answered back, my eyes widening and my jaw falling agape yet again. “Nothing would be holding me back” I found myself saying words he would say, thinking thoughts a person only like him would think, I enjoyed myself more than I should.

A smell of sweet perfume intensified as I hurried closer to her, my lips are in a permanent grin and my mind floats with ideas of what I should do. The streets aren’t as filled as I expected, but that only works in my favor. Her wavy hair grows closer and closer until I’m a measly foot away from her; I never in my wildest dreams hoped I would be this close to her. There’s a long alleyway up ahead, I inch closer to her as we both walk and I know that she’s only going to be in front of the alleyway for a few seconds, I move fast. Before I know it, my right hand is pressing against her mouth and her scared eyes stab into mine, silently pleading with me, but my eyes are deaf. I close my eyes and let my nose engulf all the scents of her and let my tongue taste all that is her neck, as my left hand goes on all by itself between her warm thighs.

In a fit of shock, I pull back from the window and fall sitting down on my wooden floor. I can’t stop my lungs from breathing hard and the sweat beads rush down my forehead. Behind me, I hear him giggling and asking if I wanted more; to my ultimate shame, I did. I turn around to look at him, once and for all, I want to see what lies behind his shadow, his jade globes, his grinning pearly whites. As quick as I possibly can, I turn around; only to find the mirror behind me and the young man inside it. I sigh and look out the window, his words still ring in my ears and I still want her.

I stand up and look at the young man in the mirror again and reach for my dusty coat, I take another look at my computer and grin when I realize the brightness isn’t as blinding anymore. I run downstairs, I don’t bother to close my door, I know what I want and I don’t want to wait. I rush past people, looking for that perfect shade of red and my grin widens when I see it close to me. A sweet smell of perfume, an alleyway beside us, not many people around us; before I know it my right hand is pressing against her mouth. I lean in close to taste all that is her neck and I find myself letting out a familiar sound when my lips reach her ear. I hiss.