Oh my oh my oh my... Another new member... I LOVE reviewing new members!!!
First of all welcome to WDC Shimon!!! I hope you enjoy your time here in the community, and I trust that in the days to come you will find this site to be not only a great community of great people, but also a very helpful resource for developing yourself as a writer. Let me first commend you for finding the courage in yourself to place your works here on this site. Though it sounds easy... you never really know what goes through the heads of people nowadays right?
Anyway.... ON TO THE REVIEW!!!
I'd like you first to note that this is just my own opinion and will most certainly differ from what others my have. I hope you find this review helpful and encouraging, and if I seem blunt at times, believe me it is not at all my intention.
Generally I review as I read, but due to the short length, I didn't have to this time.
The Pros:
This was remarkably enjoyable reading to say the least. I couldn't quite place if it was supposed to be whimsical or dark, or perhaps both. That sort of writing is interesting to me, since I do enjoy a good dark humor.
I like the simplicity in your work, it's not mundane, but its not so gaudy that I get disconnected. You have strong wording in a mild tone which is a hard thing to do if you truly want to avoid making your writing too wordy.
I love the point of view of this piece, it's straight and to the point, but it has plenty of comparisons and metaphors that give it a complexity of its own.
The last line was great. A perfect ending to this short work, and in today's society, it is a good solid reference to your descriptions.
I noticed no spelling errors in this piece and for that I applaud you.
The Cons:
Though there's not too many here, but I do have to bring them up so bare with me.
I'm no grammar guru, but I do believe I noticed some comma splices (commas connecting to complete thoughts with no conjunction.) For example:
My fingers are numb, my toes are freezing.
Should be written as:
My fingers are numb. My toes are freezing. OR My fingers are numb, and my toes are freezing.
I think you get the meaning of that. It's minor details in punctuation. Though to me, it's not at all that distracting, but to some it can be awful. I don't mean to knit pick, but I would suggest polishing up the grammatical errors like these.
My best advice to you for this sort of stuff is to read the story out loud to yourself and find where the flow can be interrupted by the incorrect punctuation. Otherwise spend a lifetime trying to understand the science behind punctuation (something I tried, and to be honest I still don't get all of it)
Your first line to me as a reader was somewhat odd... I don't know if it is a good thing or bad thing, but unfortunately it ended up down here with the cons. Not because I don't like things to be out of the ordinary, but because of my biggest pet peeve when I'm reading. The First Line!!!
It's the most important line of your story; it's the line that says "Hey read this and you'll want to keep reading" That is what I look for in the introduction to a story. If it doesn't keep me interested, there's really no reason for me to read the rest of it. However, as I said, it was odd and offbeat which counteracted the negatives and kept me interested. Play with it a little and see if you can tweak it up a bit.
OVERALL:
It's short, sweet, and to the point. A quick, well developed point of view by a nameless protagonist or simply an idea. I like that about this particular piece. I'm not getting lost in description or translation. And I'm not being disconnected due to incoherent development. It's well thought out, and well written.
With some fixes to the grammar, you will have an excellent little story here. Enjoyable enough in some way or another, for anyone to enjoy.
Again, thanks for posting this work, and thanks for the read.
Don't get discouraged if you get some somewhat shrewd reviews or comments. Just like yours truly, those that do normally don't intend it. We are all trying to be honest and as helpful as possible and a push in any direction forward or backward is still a push in some direction of creativity. Good luck to you Shimon and enjoy your time here at WDC!!! WRITE ON!!!
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