This is a requested review for Chapter 1 of Wasteland 2087.
Part 1 of this review.
Please remember that this is an opinion and only you can truly know if the suggestions made are helpful in getting your story told or read.
I would like to start this review with a compliment. Your story is interesting, held my attention, and I truly enjoyed reading it.
I think the one-line summary that you use in the WDC presentation could be improved by starting out with- “In the Year 2087”, because it was not clear to me that I was reading something from that year which helps explain the story, until I had read a couple of paragraphs. If I were sending this for publication, I would make sure that was clear.
Because I wanted to be sure I completely understood the story I reread the chapter a second time before starting my review below.
This is a very engaging opening chapter, and it immediately pulled me into Myra’s world. The dream sequence is vivid and unsettling, creating a strong emotional hook right from the start. I also enjoyed the contrast between the intense dream and the grounded, almost humorous moment that follows with Veii. That balance of tension and everyday life works well and helps make the characters feel real. Myra and Veii’s relationship is especially appealing; their easy familiarity, loyalty, and humor give the story warmth and emotional depth.
The world building is intriguing too. The hints about the Shelter, the Order, people being “Walked,” and the possibility of leaving to explore the outside world all create a sense of mystery that makes the reader want to keep going. You introduce these elements naturally through conversation and memory rather than long explanations, which keeps the chapter moving.
One suggestion would be to smooth the flow in a few places where the narrative shifts quickly between thoughts, memories, and present action. Occasionally the reader has to pause to reorient themselves. A slightly clearer transition between those moments could help maintain the strong momentum you’ve created. Another small improvement might be tightening a few descriptive passages, so the most important details stand out more clearly.
Overall, this is a promising and compelling start. The characters feel alive, the setting raises fascinating questions, and the chapter leaves the reader curious about both Myra’s past and the world outside the Shelter. It’s a strong foundation for the story to build on.
Part 2 of this review. Keep in mind these are simply suggestions.
Your chapter is strong overall, but there are a few places where the reader may pause briefly to re-orient themselves. That doesn’t mean the writing is wrong; it just means the transitions between ideas, memories, or actions could be smoothed slightly. I’ll show you specific examples and explain why a reader might hesitate.
1. Transition from the dream to waking
Original section
As I finally close in on the distant figure, his features blurring with each step… He dissolves entirely into a cloud of smoke. The world around me shifts, and suddenly, I am back in my room. The memory of the dream lingers, clinging to the back of my mind like an ever-present burden that I am meant to bear.
Where readers pause
The shift from dream to waking happens very quickly. Some readers may momentarily wonder whether she actually woke up or if the dream simply changed scene.
Possible smoothing
You might add a physical sensation that clearly signals waking.
Example:
As I finally close in on the distant figure, his features blurring with each step, he dissolves into a cloud of smoke.
I jerk upright in bed. My room comes into focus around me, dim and familiar. The dream clings to the back of my mind like an ever-present burden I am meant to bear.
This anchors the reader immediately in reality.
2. The sudden vomiting moment
Original
But I am safe; back in my room! My sense of relief is eclipsed by the rising lump in my throat… I quickly lean over the side of my bed and vomit.
Where readers pause
The nausea appears suddenly, and while it later connects to her illness and drinking, the moment feels abrupt.
A tiny hint before the vomiting could help the flow.
Example:
My sense of relief is eclipsed by the rising lump in my throat. The room spins. I barely manage to lean over the side of the bed before I vomit.
This lets the reader follow the physical sequence more smoothly.
3. The shift from humor to heavy worldbuilding
Original
After the humorous puke scene, the narrative suddenly moves into this explanation:
Interest in the same sex gets you Walked out of the Shelter, according to the Order.
Where readers pause
This line introduces a major concept (“Walked”) without immediate explanation. The seriousness of it contrasts sharply with the comedic tone just before.
Readers may pause and think:
What does Walked mean?
Is it exile? Execution?
Why is it capitalized?
This is actually good intrigue, but a tiny contextual hint would help.
Example:
Interest in the same sex gets you Walked out of the Shelter, according to the Order.
Walked—marched up the stairs and forced into the wasteland outside.
Now the meaning lands clearly.
4. The ASMC / RESy explanation
Original
I am spending this year training for the ASMC.
The school offers a trainee program for Recon Exploration and Supply cadets—RESy, for short…
Where readers pause
This introduces several acronyms very quickly:
ASMC
Recon Exploration and Supply
RESy
Alliance military
Because the reader is still learning the world, the sudden information cluster can slow comprehension.
A slightly slower introduction helps.
Example:
That’s part of the reason I’m training for the ASMC—the Alliance Service Military Corps.
Their academy runs a trainee program for Recon Exploration and Supply cadets, or RESy for short.
Now the reader absorbs each concept step by step.
5. Transition into the father memory
Original
The mental image of him walking the shelter in a bra and tiny coat brings a smile to the corner of my mouth.
…
My mind drifts to a memory of my father, smiling at me the way he always did.
Where readers pause
The narrative jumps from a humorous thought about Veii to a serious memory of her father very quickly.
Readers may briefly wonder what triggered the memory.
A small emotional bridge would help.
Example:
The mental image of him walking the shelter in a bra and tiny coat brings a smile to my lips.
The smile fades almost as quickly as it appears. Dad used to laugh at things like that…
My mind drifts to a memory of him, smiling the way he always did.
Now the emotional shift feels natural.
6. Entering the father’s room
Original
Leading Veii out across the hall, I realize it’s the first time I’ve touched Dad’s door since he was Walked.
Where readers pause
The emotional significance is strong, but the scene moves forward very quickly afterward. Readers may want to linger there a moment longer.
A small beat helps deepen the moment.
Example:
Leading Veii across the hall, I stop at Dad’s door.
I realize it’s the first time I’ve touched the handle since he was Walked.
That extra pause mirrors Myra’s hesitation.
7. The final pill moment
Original
I lift the pillbox, hearing a slight rattle as it flips open. There is only one tablet left.
Where readers pause
This moment is important (medicine clearly matters), but the significance isn’t yet clear. Some readers may pause wondering:
Is this medication essential?
What happens if she runs out?
You might hint at stakes.
Example:
I lift the pillbox. It rattles when it opens.
Only one tablet left.
That’s not good.
Just a small emotional reaction clarifies importance.
Overall impression
None of these pauses are major problems. In fact, they often happen because the story is interesting and layered. The reader simply wants clearer emotional or physical transitions as the narrative moves between:
dream → waking
humor → worldbuilding
present → memory
action → reflection
With a few extra grounding details, the flow will feel even smoother.
My other suggestion is mostly about reducing extra wording so the strongest images stand out more clearly. Your descriptions are imaginative, but sometimes several ideas are packed together in a way that slightly slows the reader. Tightening them does not mean removing the atmosphere, it simply means letting the most important detail carry the scene.
Here are a few detailed examples from the chapter.
Example 1: The opening dream scene
Original
Bright flashes pop to either side of me. The blinding lights are sharp and instant, fading as quickly as they come. I feel myself flinch, and though the pain I anticipate never comes, that’s not what bothers me. It’s the sound that unsettles me most; as if my ears are out of synch with the world, each slow and muffled crack is mismatched to the bursts of light. My body is numb, and my senses dull.
Where tightening helps
There are several descriptions saying nearly the same thing: flashes, blinding lights, sharp and instant, fading quickly. The reader understands the image quickly, so repeating similar phrases slightly slows the pace.
Tightened example
Bright flashes burst on either side of me. I flinch, expecting pain that never comes. What unsettles me most is the sound. Each slow, muffled crack reaches my ears out of sync with the bursts of light. My body feels numb, my senses dull.
This keeps the same atmosphere but lets the key sensations stand out: the flashes, the delayed sound, the numbness.
Example 2: Veii’s physical description
Original
Veii is a perfect male specimen, for want of a better description. Thanks to his daily workouts, there is not an ounce of body fat on him. He has the most gorgeous brown eyes, short-cropped black hair, a perfect chiselled jaw line, and a smile which simply melts the hearts of most girls.
Where tightening helps
This description lists several traits but repeats similar praise (perfect, gorgeous, perfect again). Reducing repetition keeps the image strong and natural.
Tightened example
Veii is what most people would call the perfect specimen. Daily workouts have carved every line of muscle. He has warm brown eyes, short black hair, a chiselled jaw, and the kind of smile that melts most girls instantly.
The description is still clear but moves faster and feels more natural in the narration.
Example 3: Description of the outside world
Original
They’ve been outside the shelter. They’ve seen the Sun; the Earth; the Moon. They have felt fresh breezes, and rain falling—however contaminated it is. It all sounds like a fantasy to me; things we’ve only read about in books or heard in stories.
Where tightening helps
The list format slows the rhythm slightly. Combining ideas makes the thought flow more naturally.
Tightened example
They’ve been outside the shelter. They’ve seen the sun and the moon, felt fresh breezes and rain falling, even if the water is contaminated. To me it all sounds like fantasy, something from books and old stories.
The idea stays the same, but the sentence moves more smoothly.
Example 4: The apartment description
Original
Small dwellings like this were assigned to one-child households. I was fourteen when my father was Walked; typically, I would have been fostered into another family, but my other best friend Quentin’s family had volunteered to watch over me. My dad and Quentin’s mum were friends, and the apartment wasn’t needed for housing since it was already quite small.
Where tightening helps
Several sentences repeat the same information: why she stayed and why the apartment remained hers.
Tightened example
Small dwellings like this were assigned to one-child households. I was fourteen when my father was Walked. Normally I would have been fostered into another family, but Quentin’s parents volunteered to watch over me, so the apartment remained mine.
The information becomes clearer and easier to follow.
Why tightening helps
Tightening descriptive passages improves three things:
Pacing
The reader moves through scenes smoothly without getting slowed by repeated ideas.
Clarity
The strongest details stand out and are easier to visualize.
Emotional impact
When fewer words carry the description, the important moments feel sharper and more memorable.
Overall, your descriptions already have strong imagery and atmosphere. The goal isn’t to remove detail but to let the most vivid details carry the scene so the reader experiences them immediately. Some other descriptions in your story are strong and perfect. Don’t change them.
Part 3 Minor Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation Notes
Overall the writing is quite clean, but there are a handful of small grammar, spelling, punctuation, and style issues, none of them are major problems, but noting them might be helpful. I list them clearly with explanations and suggested corrections.
Minor Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation Notes
1.
“out of synch”
Original
as if my ears are out of synch with the world
Issue:
The standard spelling is “sync.”
Suggested correction
as if my ears are out of sync with the world
Dash Usage (appears several times)
The manuscript uses double hyphens (–) instead of proper em dashes (—).
Example
The faster I run, the farther he seems–like I’m running through quicksand.
Standard publishing style
The faster I run, the farther he seems—like I’m running through quicksand.
You may want to use em dashes consistently instead of double hyphens. (this could be caused by programing with what ever word processor you use as it pastes into WDC)
Semicolon That Should Be a Comma
Original
My body is numb, and my senses dull.
Not technically wrong, but stylistically uneven with the sentence rhythm.
Better flow:
My body is numb and my senses dull.
This is a style suggestion rather than a strict error.
Possible Comma Splice
Original
I spot the small white container and reach for it, “Ah! Gotcha!”
This should technically be separated.
Suggested correction
I spot the small white container and reach for it. “Ah! Gotcha!”
Dialogue Attribution Punctuation
Original
“You got me alright,” Veii concedes as he returns
This is grammatically correct, but “alright” is often avoided in formal writing.
Preferred spelling in many style guides:
“You got me all right,” Veii concedes as he returns.
Not required, but commonly recommended.
Number Formatting
Original
Veii is a six-four broad-shouldered mesomorph, and I’m a five-three petite hourglass.
Hyphenated number descriptions are awkward here.
More natural:
Veii is six-foot-four and broad-shouldered, and I’m a five-foot-three petite hourglass.
or
Veii is six foot four and broad-shouldered, and I’m five foot three.
Capitalization Consistency
Original
The alliance military is often viewed as just the strong arm of the Order
If this is the formal name, it should likely be capitalized.
Suggested
The Alliance military is often viewed as just the strong arm of the Order.
Minor Word Choice
Original
a perfect chiselled jaw line
Two issues here:
• “jaw line” → “jawline”
• “chiselled” is fine (UK spelling), but the rest of the text mixes styles slightly.
Suggested
a perfectly chiselled jawline
or
a chiseled jawline
Sentence Clarity Issue
Original
I understand half of their ridiculous rules just well enough to hate everything they stand for
Grammatically fine but slightly clunky.
Possible tightening:
I understand enough of their ridiculous rules to hate everything they stand for.
Again, this is style improvement rather than an error.
Dialogue Tag Punctuation
Original
“You know what I mean.” I do, of course.
Correct, but smoother as:
“You know what I mean.”
I do, of course.
This is formatting rather than grammar.
Missing Comma
Original
The constant throb in my head reminds me of my tablet and I lift the pillbox
Two independent actions.
Better punctuation:
The constant throb in my head reminds me of my tablet, and I lift the pillbox
Summary
The chapter is quite clean technically, and the issues are minor. The main things worth pointing out are:
“synch” → “sync”
Replace double hyphens (–) with em dashes (—)
Fix the comma splice after “reach for it”
Adjust number phrasing (six-four → six-foot-four)
Possibly capitalize Alliance
Minor punctuation smoothing in a few sentences
None of these are serious errors, and overall the grammar is strong.
Part 4 You have overcome
This chapter actually does several things very well that many opening chapters struggle with. Here are three specific strengths, with examples from the text.
1. The Opening Immediately Creates Tension and Curiosity
The chapter begins with a very vivid and disorienting scene, which is an effective way to hook the reader. The flashes of light, mismatched sounds, and the desperate need to reach the mysterious man create immediate tension.
Example:
Bright flashes pop to either side of me. The blinding lights are sharp and instant, fading as quickly as they come… each slow and muffled crack is mismatched to the bursts of light.
This opening works well because it drops the reader directly into action and emotion rather than starting with exposition. Many stories struggle with slow openings, but this one immediately raises questions:
What is happening?
Why is she running?
Who is the man she needs to reach?
That sense of mystery encourages the reader to keep going.
2. The Character Relationship Feels Natural and Genuine
The interaction between Myra and Veii is one of the strongest parts of the chapter. Their friendship feels believable and comfortable, with humor, familiarity, and emotional depth.
Example:
“What the actual hell, Myra!”
The voice unmistakably belongs to Veii—my closest friend since childhood…
The scene where she accidentally vomits on him is especially effective because it does several things at once:
It breaks the tension from the dream with humor.
It shows their relationship dynamic rather than simply describing it.
It makes both characters feel human and relatable.
Later moments, like when Veii comforts her after the memory of her father, deepen that relationship:
Veii ignores my babbling and pulls me into a warm embrace; after my dad, Veii’s cuddles felt the most like home.
This balance between humor and emotional support helps make their bond feel authentic.
3. The Worldbuilding Is Introduced Gradually Instead of Through Large Exposition
Another strong aspect is how the story introduces pieces of the world naturally through the character’s thoughts and experiences rather than stopping the story to explain everything.
For example:
Interest in the same sex gets you Walked out of the Shelter, according to the Order.
and
RESies get to actually leave the shelter with Recon teams… They’ve seen the Sun; the Earth; the Moon.
These lines introduce major elements of the world:
The oppressive authority of the Order
The concept of being “Walked”
The mysterious outside world beyond the shelter
Instead of delivering long explanations, you drop hints that create intrigue. Readers learn about the world while staying inside the character’s perspective, which keeps the story moving.
Overall Strength
The chapter succeeds because it combines three key elements of a strong opening:
A dramatic and intriguing hook
Engaging character relationships
Natural, curiosity-driven worldbuilding
Together these make the chapter feel lively and immersive, and they encourage the reader to keep turning the pages to learn more about Myra, the Shelter, and the world outside.
Part 5 The closing sentence.
The final paragraph transitions nicely from Myra’s private space into the larger world of the Shelter. I especially liked the contrast between the “serene chaos” of her apartment and the crowded environment of Allied Shelter 801 D-Wing. One small suggestion might be to give the final line a slightly stronger sense of anticipation or tension, so it pulls the reader even more firmly into the next chapter.
My suggestions would be One of these—
Five minutes later I’m dressed for school, holobook in one hand and water bottle in the other. I step out of my quiet little apartment and into the chaos of Allied Shelter 801 D-Wing—where nothing ever stays quiet for long.
or
Five minutes later I’m dressed for school and heading into the dense chaos of Allied Shelter 801 D-Wing, hoping today will be normal.
It never is.
Part 6 Thanks
I appreciate the opportunity and the review request. I can answer your question of is this a chapter that grabs the attention of the reader. My answer is YES!
That balance of tension and everyday life works well and helps make the characters feel real. Myra and Veii’s relationship is especially appealing; their easy familiarity, loyalty, and humor give the story warmth and emotional depth. Emotion and the response to it are easily engaging.
Again, thank you for the opportunity to review your chapter. I hope I have given you some good suggestions. Also, thank you for the points.
Kind wishes,
Tee
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