Hi there, I’m pleased to read that you’re not giving up even though this piece didn’t win the Writer’s Cramp Contest. We as writers must never give up, simply write for the joy of creating an item which wasn’t there before you penned the words.
This piece made me smile. I liked the idea of a talking cloud who wants to make the world a better place.
The format was so different to anything I’ve read previously. At first I didn’t grasp the rhythm and rhyme.
The first line A cloud of rain followed the crowd, to emerge through the sky,, endowed by the numerous sights of intelligence found on the ground. I found a little confusing. I think it was just the way it was phrased. I suggest you change the word endowed you could have said, enchanted, surprised, or amazed. I wasn’t sure what emotion you were going for.
The line: The situation may be splendid; it was very well attended. The choir blended very well when the speaking cloud had a render thought about how it tended to make someone feel cheerful, instead of being tearful I suggest to use another word to replace render
Perhaps random thought?
Thank you for sharing a very uplifting poem.
Sue.
Hi there, I see this is the first piece you have written for WdC. First of all let me welcome you and I hope you continue to write and publish here.
My first thought was how sad this piece is. Written by someone in a very lonely and self loathing place. Is this autobiographical? If so I’m so sorry your feelings are so dark. Maybe we all have thought we go through the world pretending to be something we’re not. It’s actually imperative sometimes to hide our true selves. We must go through life, if we’re to be accepted, following certain rules of life. Being polite, keeping our real thoughts to ourselves. I often think I’m pleased there aren’t such a thing as the thought police or we’d all get arrested!
You’re thinking you’re different to the rest of society but you’d probably be surprised at the number of the population who feel as you.
We seek to hide in our own homes, close the door behind us and just be ourselves. This was a difficult piece of writing to read and I’m sure for you to write. I hope you use this forum to get your thoughts out where they belong in the fresh air and out of your head.
Just one suggestion Re the font size to make it easier on old tired eyes to read please use a larger size. I think the default here is 3 but size 4 is much better.
Good luck in the future.
Cheers Sue
Hi, there, welcome to WdC. What a glorious user name, Sunshine Lollypops. You must be a really cheerful sort of person. Not that has anything to do with this cheeky little poem about cats. Of course being a dog person myself I totally agree with your cat outlook. That missing cat? It didn’t get stolen or lost. A cat never gets lost, let’s face it.
Well I’m here to give you my non-expert opinion on poetry, not wax lyrical about felines. I love poetry, you can say so much more in a poem, express an opinion using fewer words. I dislike being tied down to rules though and there are so many rules in the poetry genre. I prefer rhyming poems myself, I can never do free verse, I don’t know the rules. But having said that I love this free verse poem, it’s perfect for a cat poem. Freedom, that’s what all cats crave and maybe even though you’re a dog person you maybe more like a cat than you know.
A couple of suggestions if I may. I feel the rhythm may be improved by writing the word ‘the’ at the start of the line Love you had for that cat,
You already used the word ‘better’ in the line : Better to forget the cat, , perhaps find a different word in the line: A better place to deposit your care,
I’m so looking forward to reading more of your whimsical offerings. Well done, keep on writing.
Sue.
My word Carly, what a great story following an impossible prompt. Well for me certainly living so far away in Australia.
I sighed audibly at the end of the story as I thought how wonderful is the enthusiasm of youth. I wish you’d put the year and your ages at the time of this great adventure. I could almost touch your excitement and optimism, it’s hard to remember ever feeling like that and yet I know my hubby and I did too.
I’d love to turn over the page and find out what happened next. Did Rye ever get discovered?
I hope your story won the Writers Cramp Contest. It was surely a worthy winner.
Hi there. I’m reviewing this unique poem for 23 in 11.
I love this poem. It’s original, comedic and puzzling. It asks the question why is Mrs McDonald so pleased about the missing cows? I have a sneaking suspicion she has had a hand in their disappearance. But will we ever know? I loved the rhythm of the poem, it would make a great children’s book, but of course for the children the mystery will have to be solved.
Good luck for the month of September 23 in 11, plenty of chances for completion this month.
Cheers Sue
This whole sorry story reminded me of my husbands youth. His parents were reasonably affluent but were very tight with money. My husband, he was my boyfriend at the time, desperately wanted a leather jacket and motorcycle riding boots. He’d bought the bike himself. It had taken two years of doing a menial job at weekends scrubbing the floor of a local business. When he was eighteen he asked his parents for a jacket, but in the end he bought himself a cheap plastic black jacket and a pair of Wellington boots with the top rolled over! At least he had the Fonzie hair and the inevitable comb, which helped a little for the image.
Hi, ~TwistedPretzels~ your item on how to screw up a character came to my attention and when I looked at your bio I was pretty stunned to realise you were fourteen at the time of writing. This fascinated me. I’d love to know what you’re up to now 13 years later. The article itself was really good with great advice. I hope you’ve been successful in your writing and are some famous writer who has made a fortune from the craft.
Cheers Sue
Hi again Amy, it seems we’re playing tag.😂
You’re very good at expressing yourself in forty words. I really liked this entry. I think sometimes we become invisible, unseen as we get older especially. We do still matter even if we’re not young, beautiful or someone in the news.
Thanks for sharing.
Cheers Sue
Hi, Amy, I’m reading your Sweet 40 words for the Twenty three in Eleven
Challenge.
And very sweet they were too. You’re absolutely right, there is nothing like a strawberry freshly picked from the garden. Especially if it is one you have planted and nurtured yourself. It really is the taste of summer.
You filled the brief of expressing yourself in forty words, not a mean feat in itself. Summer has many pleasures but as you state a fresh still warm strawberry is one of them.
Thanks for sharing.
Hi, Carly, I'm reviewing this item for the Twenty Three in Eleven Challenge.
Your poem discusses the topic of using watercolours for the whole of World Watercolour Month.
I'd never heard of such a thing either. It seems there is a day or a month for almost everything these days.
What I liked about your poem was a sense of delight as you imagine using all the colours available. All having their own special meaning, to someone. With watercolours, if one is clever enough, one can mix different hues until that perfect one is achieved. its a little similar to writing in that respect, isn't it?
Well done. Thank you for sharing.
Cheers Sue.
Hi, I had to smile when I read your most embarrassing time of your life. I must say you’re lucky as far as embarrassing moments go, I thought yours was just a tale of a little girl getting words mixed up. Not really embarrassing but kind of sweet.
I once asked my much older brother‘What’s a lulu?’ He seemed puzzled and asked me what I meant. So I sang a line from this song ‘On a lulu or Siam’ He couldn’t stop laughing when he explained the words were: Honolulu or Siam!
I should imagine that most people don’t hear or sing the correct words when they sing a song. Anyway I loved your story. Thank you for sharing.
Hello Rick, I thought I’d repay the favour and visit your portfolio.
The first item I saw was this story or observation piece about drought and the detrimental effects of long dry spells. I myself wrote a story for the contest in ‘The Writer’s Cramp,’ today. The title tells it all, doesn’t it?
Living in Australia, we are used to long months of no rain, but it is the rural districts which usually suffer the most.
Your descriptive words paint a picture, personifying the earth as a being who is desperate for the relief that the life giving rain will bring.
I throughly enjoyed reading your words.
Cheers Sue
Hi, Yaksha,
Wow, this is a powerfully written story. The beginning lulled the reader into believing the story was going to be a sweet tale. How wrong could this reader have been?
You built up the tension subtly with just the right amount of tension. I could sense things were ‘off’ with Mr Hawk when he offered to show Maria more butterflies. I could feel the confusion and fear as Maria began to realise she’d been led astray, away from the safety of home.
Your description of the attack was clearly demonstrated leaving no doubt as to what was happening to the sweet child as she lost both her innocence and her life. So sad.
Please let me welcome you to WdC and if is the beginning of your offerings then your followers are in for an interesting experience.
I wish you success in your writing journey.
Sue.
Hi Jim, I’ve been led to your haunted house because I’m to be the next victim in the 23 in 11 contest.
This story made me smile because it has become a precious memory of yours from so long ago. The reader knows for sure, you could envision the scenario and picture those wonderful kids as they were 35 years ago. As a parent of children the same age now as yours must be, I know that even though they are adults, you still look at them sometimes and see those beautiful little kids. You certainly wrote in detail about all those grisly tricks you guys had fixed up for the children on base. Priceless!
There are a few typos and missing words you might like to proofread, however they didn’t detract from what is a great story.
Cheers Sue
Hello, Leo, what a beautiful, honest piece of yourself you gave us to read. You are very lucky, not because you have opportunities not available to the majority, but you have a very wise mother. I Am 78 years old and reading your writing before I turn out the light in a few minutes I will think of your mother’s wise words. And do you know I may choose the yellow happy face icon too.
All the very best in your life no matter what you choose to do with it.
I’m wondering what it was in this poem which changed the person you write about so completely. Could it have been some therapy which opened up a door in her mind. It reads as if she had an epiphany when the fog cleared and she saw a new future, a new way of proceeding through life.
Sometimes after a trauma of some kind, it can change a person so much they become unrecognisable, not only to others but to themselves. That’s what the last line, so beautifully written, meant to me.
Anyway if I’m completely wrong it doesn’t matter. With poetry, people take what they want from it.
Well done. I really loved it.
Sue
Hello, I feel your pain. Forms and documents of all persuasion are made to torment, and ensure the victim attempting to fulfill all requirements gradually pulls out what little hair they have left.
Obviously English is not your first language? If so I commend this piece of writing expressing your confusion and exasperation.
Hi, Amy what a great story/poem which followed the prompt to perfection. It included both genres of comedy and travel. I loved it.
My husband hates our GPS. He swears it steers him wrong by taking the most convoluted way and he reckons he could have got there in half the time! Of course the old joke is when someone asks for directions and the answer is, “I wouldn’t start from here!”
You have a wonderful ability to write original poems and stories, following the most obscure prompts and rules.
Well done. Keep on writing and entertaining your fans.
Hi, Carly, this poem certainly takes me to some places I have visited.
Sometimes having a vacation such as you describe is good for the mind and body. After being on a back packing holiday through Thailand for seven weeks when we were in our sixties, just to stop walking miles in the heat, sightseeing and searching for budget accommodation, a break was needed. We craved a hammock on the beach and someone to serve us drinks. Sightseeing is tiring but a mixture of looking at temples and then just closing your eyes on a beach under a palm tree is sublime.
The best of both worlds.
Hi Jeff, this is an intriguing couple of sentences intended to hook a reader into continuing to read a story.
I think you succeeded in following the prompts image of a hand emerging from, or disappearing into the lake. It forces the reader to wonder if something supernatural is occurring.
Does the phenomenon occur often? Is it a murder victim attempting to point to his killer, refusing to accept death?
Anyway one would have to continue to read on to find the answers to the inevitable questions.
Well done.
Well done with this poem. I loved the rhythm, it flowed easily, smoothly, when being read aloud. There’s nothing quite like a good zombie invasion to make people sit up and take notice. Of all the scary thoughts, the one that frightens people the most is the thought of not only being dead, but worse. Not really being dead!
Hello, Happy Anniversary. This little story of procrastination rings true. We always can find something more pressing to do, especially if it includes another cup of tea. A lovely vignette of life. Thank you for sharing.
My name’s Sue, living in Australia for fifty plus years but in my heat England is still my home. Where in the UK do you live?
Hoping you can participate more this year. Just enter the flash fiction if that is what you obviously love to write. There’s a chance to gain gift points and people her on WdC will begin to notice your name. You’re a great writer, please share more.
Cheers Sue
I’m reviewing your poem for Twenty-three in Eleven.
I found this contest very interesting but challenging. The two words you invented were both really clever and your use of them in the poem seemed quite natural. I think a feathain would be a useful tool to have, especially as a writer, because nothing is more frustrating than a pen running out of ink when inspiration is flowing.
Well done on attempting a difficult prompt.
Hi, Amy-Jo, I’m reviewing this poem for Twenty-three in Eleven.
For such a short poem it says a lot. Written from the view of someone, either male or female who has been hurt in love. They are begging their lover not to leave them.
This form of poetry is a new one to me too. You followed the rules perfectly and the finished item is a joy to read. Well done.
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