Well, that was certainly suspenseful! You have a great feel for creating tension. I do think you could heighten it even more by eliminating some of the adverbs: cautiously, suddenly, etc.
How old is this girl? By "Mom," and having the wherewithal to call the police, I'm thinking adolescent, but not sure.
The murder happened rather quickly. Maybeyou could draw it out more, make her struggle, have the sounds of sirens coming up the street - that sort of thing. Which would make it even more tense!
Well done! I love people getting together; we are becoming so distant to even our own families. Just a few suggestions:
Give the bride-to-be a name. I had trouble with "rented apartment." This is a nit.
You are inside the old man's head, inside Paul's head, what about Barbara? You tell us something with her dialog. She must have gone through some agony. Did she still love Paul? Was there "the look?"
In short, you have drawn me in. This is an emotional experience for all of them. Let me know them better. Why is the old man so bitter? Why is Paul marrying "the rented apartment?" Build the tension.
This is a terrific story! Sue
This is poetry. "Chemicals, and dust, and assorted detritus made up its body, but it had a will; will enough to keep going forever and into the unknown." I have to think about that. It's very good; don't get me wrong. But I have to stop and think about that.
You appear to me to have an enormous gift for poetry. But when I'm reading a short story, I need to understand fairly quickly and move forward. With too much of this sort of thing, I bog down. I think, "Wow, that is beautiful! What is the author trying to say? Now, where was I?" I REALLY don't want to discourage you because I can't write like this! It's so deep. So moving. I've forgotten the story trying to figure out your meaning.
So please, please don't lose this gift. But maybe use a little less and move the story forward a little more? Meanwhile, I will expect to see you with the Nobel Prize for poetry in the next year. Sue
Wow. That was a wild ride. I'm thinking a dream within a dream? Where you know you are dreaming,then dream you wake up, but you're not quite there yet? Geez, I hope so.
Fore Shadow....and they are pulling up to a trailer like in the dream? Rented from the attendant? So maybe, if I were Kelton, I would have more to say than, "how bout a round of golf?"
"No way" comes to mind. Maybe pulling away to the sound of gunfire? Suggesting using his frequent flyer miles at the Holiday Inn Express? Great story! Sue
Cool! I really enjoyed this. I just took gun training was was fascinated by "the shield." It must deflect not only the bullet, but the impact. You might have him cough or something, just to show he's felt the bullets hit the near vicinity.
Also on a technical point, 3 bullets and he's worried about running out? The smallest Glock I worked with held 10 cartridges. And no smoke. But you could have a different gun, heaven knows.
Otherwise, I loved her "organic" come-on and the anti-poison in the molar - very original! I knew it was the future, but nicely put with the "back in 56." Fun read. Sue
This is an excellent piece. Your pacing and dialog is well-placed and I was glued to see what happened to precipitate the hospital stay in the beginning. I was also intrigued with the father. I have seen this too many times - parents who either want their kid to be like them or to be better than them. They don't appreciate what the kid is, period.
I only have a couple of comments. One is a 10-year old teaching himself the piano. There are those who can hear music and play without reading it. You might want to make Jonathon one such prodigy. Not to say it couldn't be done with books, but oh, the agony.
Also, you have built Jonathon to be a strong boy, a persevering boy, one who can kick his bigger brother where it hurts, one who can sometimes maniuplate his parents, one who can teach himself piano. I don't like him giving up; I don't like him seeing himself as Bumble-boy. Too easy an ending. Let him fight back! Sue
Very, very moving. You bring up all the "stuff" death brings, most of which revolves around "why?"
I like the narrator. She doesn't blame herself for her sister's death and is willing to move on. What a relief.
Your description of the mountain, etc is exceptional; I can see it all. You have one (to me) inconsistency: she is not buried in her favorite place. Makes me wonder why. Make me wonder if there is more to this than meets the eye. Or is there?
Well done; I got chills. We are such a forgetful society, so preoccupied, I am very pleased to see something so profound written when so many seem to have forgotten. I really like your “time for…” segments. It’s as if you are giving pause to think about what you have said. And political issues replacing tissues – great.
I’m having trouble thinking of something that will make it worth your while to give me all those gift points – for which I thank you. Here are my thoughts you may or may not want to include:
Remember the heros – the firemen, the policemen, the civilians
Remember not to forget we were attacked on our own soil
Remember the survivors who wonder why they survived
Remember our soldiers, whether you agree with what we are doing or not
This is very well written and you had me wondering what would go wrong the entire reading. The M&M concept is exceptional! And, of course, a child would think of that – good work! And “skip” on the DVD player; how many times have I wished for that. I also enjoyed the description of the detectives not knowing who to ask first.
A couple of continuity issues is all I have. You go from the detective to “That evening…” That threw me. What happened to the detectives? And why were the detectives showing up in the first place; the autopsy had been performed?
This guy is warped, no doubt, but I would like some more warping up front. I would like a hint of poorly aligned character in the beginning. I assumed the little blue pill was an antidepressant until you actually told me it was Viagra.
I was in great sympathy with the father for quite awhile. Sympathy is OK, but suggest you tweak the reader with something that tells us this guy is not quite right. For example, his affairs, his dreams of bikini clad women, a ticket for one slipping out of his coat pocket.
I say all this as wanting to leave your wife and move to the Carribbean just doesn’t seem like enough motive to kill your wife and especially your children. Gotta have a loose nut in there somewhere.
Lastly, Viagra kills? I know there are some issues with it, but I never thought it could kill a woman and children. Maybe so!
Anyway, very imaginative and well written short story.
Well, your reduced thumping is quite effective. Your pacing is good; I was anxious to see if he would get out of the pit. I laughed when he climbed out the wrong side. Of course, he was virtually dead, so maybe not so funny. I was hoping he would clot the thing on the head.
Lots of questions here; I suppose this is part of a larger story. His wife will come looking for him and no one knows the monster is there and they can’t figure out why he died? Well, lots of time for that. Just a few nits:
Recently amputated threw me. I figured he arrived without the leg; took me a bit to realize it was chomped off. He seems awfully active for a fellow recently losing a limb. You might consider giving him back his leg and having the monster devour his buddy before it comes after him. Make the fight more even, more exciting. He could have his wits more about him, provide some challenges to the monster before it has him for lunch.
Macklin cannot remember,….now struggles. You swerved into the present tense there.
Dreadfulness and dread in the last paragraph; you know better. What does dread FEEL like? Heart dropping, throat closing, palms sweating, adrenaline rushing. Also, does this monster make any noise? Screech like a banshee? Roar like ….whatever with foul breath. This is the stuff that will make MY heart pound.
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