OVERVIEW: Nice use of the idea of a myth come to life, with the legend told by Nami before coming to pass, time being allowed to elapse so the reader could forget that it was mentioned. The blossoming love, possibly one-sided, makes the ending feel inevitable, but not the less hear-breaking. And the reader is left with the impression that Ethan could well have been lying, that Elise was just another victim. However, the driving away in a modern car – Audi – did make the ghost reveal feel wrong. The house, maybe it was his old house, preserved through ghostly magic, but a modern car? How would a long-dead person know about it, or even need it? It might be little, but it drew me out.
PROMPT: Horror-romance, definitely.
HORROR: The horror was muted. The situation and ending were certainly horrific, but the emotional impact felt diluted. For example, the ending, she cried as she cut. Where is the feeling of the skin opening, the cold steel going into flesh, the warmth of the blood flowing out, her breathing growing quicker, her heart rate becoming irregular, sweat, her far, her doubts? Don’t be afraid to really go for it with the internals of what your PoV character is going through. Make the reader wince as she performs the actions; drag the reader along into the horror.
TECHNICAL: A couple of missing commas, but that’s about it, really. Clean otherwise.
CONCLUSION: A decent story, and with 500 words to play with, one that cried out for a more visceral experience in the sensations of Elise.
4/5 |