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Review Requests: ON
2,335 Public Reviews Given
2,390 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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1
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Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read A Newbie.'

This is an interesting descriptive piece, looking at a hallway through a certain time and place. The words paint a vivid picture.

There is one thing I would say - this is not a short story. It is prose, yes, maybe a vignette, but a story has a beginning, middle and end. I would more call this a prose poem, emotion in words. As a prose poem, this works.

That might seem pedantic, but if you take your writing further, those little definitions can be quite important. Good luck going forward.


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2
2
Review of Apparently James  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

A sweet little tale of a lifelong friendship started, all because of an emergency grandma daycare session. The narrator came across as happy, maybe tired, but clearly adoring of her grandson; the grandson was a typical... I'm going to say 4 year old judging by my own kids. Even in flash, good characterisation. I liked that it focused on the people, not the cat as well.

Technically:
"a couple cartoons" -> missing an "of" or maybe change "a couple" to "some"
"We brought him home, her, he was a she." -> commas don't work, not really. I'd use em-deashes, ellipses, a semi-colon, something else. But that is very pedantic.

All up, a nice little tale. Good luck going forward.


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3
3
Review of Hide and Seek  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read A Newbie.'

Fun story, giving the impression of a horror story and a missing person, but becoming a children's game.

As a piece of flash fiction, it works very well. I do think the title gives away the ending, but apart from that, fine.

The biggest issue is that the verb tense changes throughout the story. Pick one and stick to it, past or present. Otherwise, it does not read well.

Still, fun story. Good luck going forward.


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4
4
Review of The Last Goodbye  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

This is a familiar trope; I have even sold a story based on this very concept. Having said that, I did not actually see the ending coming, so you did very well in keeping this shrouded, which is not easy. Nice description of the ending of Daniel, and Ethan's response. I think that really made the story work.

No suggestions for improvement; as a piece of flash is works very well. Good luck going forward.


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5
5
Review of Rooftop Whispers  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

This is such a pleasant poem, a story about greenery rising out of the urban blankness that cities too often become.

I read poetry out loud and the rhymes and constant syllable count made this a very easy poem to recite.

A couple of words felt they didn't quite fit in meaning, just in rhyme (e.g. plight), but most of the poem was well done. Good luck going forward.


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6
Review of Different Paths  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

I know this is an older piece, but it struck me as one of those little vignettes of life that rings very true. A chance meeting, a memory re-surfacing, an open ending. Will the narrator seek Doug out? Will it be just a single chance meeting? So much left unsaid, which is great for a reader.

Technically, I think "suck force" should be "such force." Otherwise nice and clean.

Good, strong piece of flash fiction. Good luck going forward.


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7
7
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

Nice job of looking at the times (I'm guessing) of your life, and putting it in with the Billy JHoel song. And, unlike the recent FOB cover, you have kept everything chronological, much as Joel did in the original. Good work!

However, it dies not scan with the song. The syllable count of the lines do not match the syllable count of the original song. I found a karaoke version of the original, and quite a bit of the verse structure did not scan.

To be honest, I think it would only take some tweaking to get the lyrics you have written to match the original you are mirroring. This would not need a wholesale re-write. And I think it could be worth it; the ideas here are very strong.

Good luck going forward.


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8
Review of Angel Feathers  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering the contest.

This was an intriguing set up - a mirror pulling people in and turning them into cats. There was a lot to play with there.

However, for a horror story, it lacked real horror. Things just happened. And the narrator becoming a cat, there was not a sense of terror there at him losing his humanity, he just accepted his lot in life. There was a hint of something bad going to happen, but the horror was really muted.

This is a strong story, but it does need more to be truly horrifying. Good luck going forward.


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9
9
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

A fun little piece of flash fiction. It took a little to work out who was who, but then I got it.

Story-wise, surely Beffin would have been a little off-put by Minna's rudeness when she said two pieces wasn't enough. And the growing thing was just accepted, not pushed harder. It felt like they were friends, not a trick-or-treater and householder.

Technically, one drift into present tense ("...gives it to the..."). Otherwise clean.

I guess the biggest thing for me was the tone. There did not feel like there was a sense of terror. The language was just there. No build-up. Beffin was dead and the stomach was missing. That was it. Problem was, I think, there was nothing reacting to it, so it became all tell.

I think if taken away from the flash fiction restrictions, there could be a much more creepy story here. Good luck going forward.


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10
10
Review of Final Target  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was an interesting story with some nice build. The slow deterioration from home defender to someone who enjoys the kill was well done. I think it maybe could have been a little more subtle, but I do get you had a word count limit in this contest.

Which brings me to the final section. Whereas the rest has a bit about the narrator's feelings, the final section feels like it weas just a series of things that happened. We only get superficial emotions. This could have leant itself for so much more introspection, more physiology coming to the fore, especially when he thinks it his wife who has been shot by Spike, and then when he realises his wife thinks it's him who shot at her. Instead what we get is philosophy of losing it all for greed. While I do understand the Sin is what this was aiming for, it did leave the ending feeling, to me, a little flat.

So, that's the negatives. The narrator was a good character for most of the tale. We felt him feel proud of that first kill, then grow more complacent and happier with what he was doing. His initial confrontation with Frank felt like it lacked some tension, but, again, I get the word count limitations. It is the ending where the tension needs to build more, and we need to be more with Kevin.

The reveal of the wife as an agent (not an air stewardess - nice diversion) was good and was something I did not see coming, so well done there.

Technically, very clean. Nicely done!

I think after the contest is over, this could be worth revisiting and extending out to a 3k word story (which is in the sellable range for genre fiction) because the story is a strong one with some nice twists.

Good luck going forward.


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11
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

A sweet little story of things going wrong but turning out all right in the end. Common tale, but I don't think I've read it with a photographer and an ice-cream commercial before, so kudos for adding something different! I liked the way you used the different meanings of "commercial" to create confusion as well.

Technically, it was very clean, especially with the direct thoughts. I wish I saw more of this on WdC.

So a fun little tale, well written and easy to read. Good luck going forward.


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12
Review of The Song  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a charming little story... and one I could strangely relate to.

As a story, the set up was nice - though if Willie was having such a large concert, I am amazed that no-one else recognised him - and the conversation between the two at the coffee shop felt natural and, more importantly, realistic.

Very similar to a conversation I had, though the artist dismissed it as 'Popular' not just another song. And there are many artists I can imagine doing on stage what Willie did for Ian and Ray. Nothing about this felt forced or out of place.

I think my only "issue" is that the ending felt rushed. I would have built up the g=fact the song hadn't been played, Ray saying something along the lines of it's okay because at least they got to see him, a little tension sort of thing.

Technically, it does need a little edit, but I know you're looking at sharing not being perfect here.

So, I really enjoyed this tale. Nice work and good luck going forward.


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13
Review of Magic Carpets  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

This was a charming little poem about flying away on thew wings of imagination, although it was a carpet this time and not wings as such. The magic carpet does feel somehow more in keeping with a vivid imagination.

I read poetry out loud and the 8+/-1 syllable count made this an easy rhythm to get into, very sing-song.

This was a great little poem, and I think is the sort that would appeal to older childrten.

Nice job, and good luck going forward.


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14
Review of The Magic Shop  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

I admit, as soon as I read the description of the man, I knew how this was going to end. But it was still a fun ride to get there. The depiction of the witch as a "wise woman" is more in keeping with what we know of those women than all sorts of magic and spells, and it is always good to read about them in this light.

Technically it was very clean. Well done.

My only thing is sometimes the way the Cassandra and Andrea spoke did not feel natural, the way relatives this close would speak. A little stilted.

Still, a fun story and I enjoyed it. Good luck going forward.


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Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

Personification of the cursor is something I am sure a lot of us writers do at some time or another, especially when the words just won't come. Always good to blame something else and not our head!

An interesting piece, and one that's a bit of fun.

Technically, a missing apostrophe was all I saw (should be "Shit's"... for "Shit is...").

Nice job. Good luck going forward.


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Review of A Favorite Book  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

Oh, that more parents/ caregivers would do this!

Because of her work, my ex did this every night with the kids so she had some time with them.

You have encapsulated the idea of those early times, before complete understanding well in so few words. The importance is implied and yet obvious.

Really well done. Good luck going forward.


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17
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Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

This is a sweet little story, a conundrum/ quandary for Ken, and yet it all coming out all right in the end. As a story, it follows the romance short story tropes well and doesn't play into anything too cliched, with a funny little ending.

Technically - you typed "frist" instead of "first" at one point, otherwise very clean.

I do think this could be easily converted into a dialogue-only piece, and so could well be used for one of those contests here at WdC. it might even make it a little more personal.

Still, good piece. Good luck going forward.


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Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

The differences between our two countries are so completely encapsulated in these 12 lines. Not one line of this poem applies to us here; two countries separated by a similar language and a totally different culture.

I read poetry out loud. As a free verse poem, it was easy to read, although I found myself wanting to rush the April line. Maybe a smidge long.

Otherwise, this was an interesting look at a world completely removed from our own.

Thanks for that, and good luck going forward.


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19
19
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

Auto-correct; they always blame auto-correct! This was a fun story, although I had to look up where La Paz was...

Technically it was very clean, and it was a fun little story. I enjoyed this one, and can imagine it in real life.

Good luck going forward.


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Review of The Bribe  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

This is one of those stories where I guessed what was going to happen from about the first fifth of the tale. The story of a reluctant former sports star is one that has been around for a long time.

Story-wise, pretending he could not play to start with then being put in the mid-field felt like it did not make sense. The fact he couldn't be bothered at the start made him feel like not a nice man, then he went full-in almost showing off. Just because his wife knew his past? It did not feel realistic.

Technically, in direct speech, someone being addressed is separated by a comma, even if that is a pet-name or title.

The story itself was fine, and description of the game mechanics was well-done; I just felt the story lacked something.

Good luck going forward.


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Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read A Newbie.'

You make being an only child seem very depressing. I spent a lot of my life wishing I was an only child, but maybe you have made it seem like that would not have been a good idea.

You have outlined how it felt to grow up and how it still permeates your life today, making it feel like a burden that is almost unbearable.

Technically, very clean. Format-wise, paragraph separation should be more consistent, as it gives emphasis to things that do not need it.

Still, a well-written piece. Good luck going forward.


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Review of Wire Walker  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up in 'Read & Review.'

This is almost a sweet little piece about someone achieving their dream. There did not seem to be a lot of conflict beyond a little bit of self-doubt at the start, but it was there. Still, this felt more like a character study, and for that it was fine.

I did find I wanted more of what was going through his mind. Or if - like me when I had my second wrestling match - he went into autopilot mode. I think I wanted something internal.

Still, nice little piece. Good luck going forward.


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Review of Mr Talknicely  Open in new Window.
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

I think we've all met a Mr Talknicely in our time, either as friend or partner. This was exactly how it went down with the couple I knew back in early university.

As a poem, it was easy to read, even though it had an odd rhyme scheme and the last stanza was a little different in structure. But I read poetry out loud, so if it works there, all good.

Thanks for sharing; good luck going forward.


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Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

The poetry form you were given to work with was quite a challenging one and you handled it very well. The reverse of lines did not affect the story told, and it was an affecting little tale of a day at the zoo.

I read poetry out loud, and this was easy to read. A couple of lines felt a little short, but it still worked, and none of the rhymes felt forced.

Nice job and good luck going forward.


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25
25
Review by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review.'

This is an interesting concept, almost like a portal-based version of the book Long Earth. It sets up what happened, there is a conflict, and it is all resolved.

And it is all tell and no show. We have nothing about anything any character is feeling, no sense of awe or wonder. This is just a series of things that happened. It feels like an outline for a longer work.

The idea is strong; the delivery just needs more oomph, in my opinion.

Good luck going forward.


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