There is warning here for vandals; don't mess with what you don't understand! I enjoyed your story as the interest in the ring and the necklace built, but I felt the revenge part was a bit overdone. I get that Mr. Jennings's mind was distraught from the death of his wife and daughter, but to want to do what he ended up doing (no spoilers), went a bit too far maybe.
Clever how you showed the real intent!
In any case the story flowed well and was a good length. The lads sounded real and their language was appropriate. Well done!
That's a very nice, romantic chapter as Evelyn makes her feelings towards Chris a bit plainer. She seems to want a relationship, but she is holding back on being converted to Christianity. Maybe Chris doesn't want to convert anybody just now, just get himself better first. He says his faith is the most important thing in his life and that could be hard for Evelyn to accept, but she is curious. It will be interesting to see how events continue. That's the nice bit. The nasty bit is lurking in the background as Evelyn is worried that the two men who knocked at her door recently may be the same men who attacked Chris.
Let's see how that develops... Well done!
Hello and welcome to the community :) You sound young and that's a good thing, a very good thing because you are willing to learn and willing to participate. That's not easy sometimes for a young person to do especially in this world with all its technology. I am writing this from my point of view because I'm old so if you are not young, then I apologise and if I'm right, then good on you!
You are interested in other worlds and that's great too because the universe will be yours to play with. What do you like to read? That's a starting off point. Then, if you're finding it a bit difficult, try categorising your thoughts. For example, first find a place for your story to happen: write it down and as the days progress, elaborate. Then, find some characters to live in your 'place' or visit your place. Next, you could ask yourself some questions, like 'why are my characters here' or 'when did my characters get to this place?' There are only so many story lines you see :) Ask yourself who, why, where, what and when and you won't go far wrong.
Try writing a short piece using what I have suggested above and if you like it, make each paragraph a bit longer. Try using your senses, like what did my characters see when they got to this place? and what did they hear? Was it quiet or noisy? frightening or comforting? Was it hot or cold, watery or dry. Don't forget that your characters have an inner voice too. You can add their thoughts.... how did the new place make them feel? or if it's an old place, why are they trying to leave?
I think really you should have put your piece above in the community forum. You may get more responses there, but in any case, I saw it here, so it worked for me. I found your piece interesting.
Lastly, don't forget the real world. Go for a walk every day and get some fresh air. It's not good for you to be online all the time. Again, use your senses so when you come home, ask yourself - do I feel better now? Is my brain working better? were the colours clearer? what did I smell as I walked around. These are all the experiences that will help with your writing.
Chap 21 and it was lovely Loyd. There was so much care and love in that chapter in every corner. Chris and Evelyn are born to be kind, kind to everyone and kind to each other. Even in his own suffering, Chris wants to go and visit a recently widowed man, who he knows is finding it very hard to live without his wife. Just by visiting Dalton and listening to him, Chris lets Dalton know that he is loved and someone cares about how he is feeling, just like Jesus did when Lazarus died. Incidentally that was the first time I noticed that you reminded us of a story from the Bible where Jesus performs one of his miracles.
And now, ho ho! Evelyn has planted a cheeky kiss on Chris and now wonders if she should have done that because it sends a message, doesn't it. Poor Chris is suffering a lot physically, but he is being very brave and he feels loved too.
I noticed a naughty extra full stop in the second paragraph if you care to take it out?
Well done. A long, feel good chapter, which made me feel happy too.
Phew, that was a lot of tiredness in one piece! I noticed that you wrote it in 2016, which is ten years ago now, so I sincerely hope that things have improved since then? Can we have an update now? I'd love to know if any of that has got better.
Nothing wrong with the English, although I don't know what CFO stands for?
I agree with you on almost all of what you wrote, except that I am English so our politics differ, or does it? I am also tired of politicians who say one thing and do another.
A phrase that an old friend of mine once said has often come back into my mind when I feel like you did (do). She said 'I feel like a host plant, with everybody sucking the life out of me.' That stuck with me. Maybe it will make you smile too. Also my father in law once said 'Don't worry, it won't matter in ten years time.' and he was right on so many occasions. Now, I find myself saying the same thing to my children.
The other day I was feeling a bit down and what I felt was...'I wanted my mum and I wanted her to give me a hug.' As mums we are truly very lucky, don't you think, because our children want us when they really need us and that makes us really special, even when we are feeling like you did in this piece.
I hope you are well and happy today. Cling on to the little things that make you happy and the bigger things will fall into place eventually.
Hello Loyd, So here we are at chapter 20 already! Evelyn's feelings for Chris are developing nicely, but since they are born of such tragic occurrences, I don't know if that is a good basis for a relationship? Maybe the Counsellor can help them with those thoughts. It obviously bothers Evelyn that her feelings for Chris are getting stronger and the death of John Toland, a good friend, have also driven her emotions to a height that she can barely cope with.
Things are hotting up for Evelyn because now she is in danger herself. There is definitely something threatening about the Leyla situation and I think we need to know soon what that is?
A totally absorbing story with a moral. well done. I enjoyed reading it very much. Yes, a good moral - don't let your practical jokes get out of hand. It's lucky that Fiona's mobile phone was so near at hand so that she could ring the emergency service when she realised that Cadence was hurt, but sad that it was too late.
Hello Mo, I’ve read your story and found it interesting and very well written. Ah ha, rites of passage, peer group pressure, learning to fit in and find one’s place in the hierarchy. It’s all there and nicely put. I love the older brother’s reaction and how he dealt with it. Poor lad! It’s hard for young men. It always has been and now it’s worse because women compete on every level.
What a lovely end to your story. Payback time.
Well done.
Lovely story with a very happy ending. Thank you for writing it. I had a very similar experience myself last year, but only after I’d searched all over my supermarket car park with a flashlight, first!
That was very scary and absorbing! It could happen to anyone, which makes the situation all the more frightening. Your story is well written and flows at the right pace. For a while I thought hubbie would come home and find they had succumbed to the weather, which would just awful, wouldn’t it! I’m glad that didn’t happen.
Well done,
Hello Emberley :). I love the last line of this piece. ‘Dying for the taste of real coffee’ indeed… sci fi isn’t my thing at all, but I did follow your story with interest. I wonder hoe grandma spent the years of her new life. That would make a good follow up.
You made me think about transitions and your story gave hope. It would be rather nice to get another chance at life on this Earth, wouldn’t it! Well done.
Another good chapter Loyd. We get to see Evelyn feeling a little impatient with her housemate, as we would all be after a day at work, perhaps. Loved this line ""I don't know all of your friends." The sad thing was that she probably did." It's hard to define just what a friend is, sometimes, because we are so often let down or sucked into thinking that someone is our friend, when they really aren't. They are just working on us because they want or need something. Some people are really good at that, aren't they.
I really like the idea of Chris finding some peace and quiet in which to do his praying and thinking. Don't we all just need that badly these days. Then, it is all destroyed and once more, Chris finds himself up against something awful.
Funny how I keep typing Christ when I mean Chris. Is that significant, I wonder?
I would like to see something good happening to Evelyn and Chris soon?
Nothing wrong with the writing, English or punctuation - at least not what I could see.
I did find some things in the previous chapter, when I read it the first time, but when I read it through again in order to do the review, Lo and Behold!!! they had disappeared, so you must have seen them for yourself. I thought I might even have to give you 4 1/2 stars, but you foiled me again.
So, well done again.
What is going on with that Rachel? I love this line: "You don't talk to Rachel. Rachel talks to you." She smiled. I've known people like that as I'm sure you have.
Claire, like so many older people, didn't want the visitors to leave, but leave they must eventually and I'm not sure they are all that much wiser, except to acknowledge that Rachel did get close to Claire. Perhaps they had something in common?
I also liked your observation about Evelyn not quite getting how to pray with others. When you are brought up in the church, it becomes second nature, but otherwise, no, it wouldn't be expected. Nice little bits and pieces like that make the story more interesting than it would have been without. So, good character observation. Well done.
I don't know why I picked this particular story to read a couple of days ago. Then, to my surprise, you popped along and asked me to review it. How did you know? The story is very well written and touching. I felt really sorry for the protagonist who was isolated in the manor house due to his long-term condition. The story had a lovely ending, although you cleverly called it 'the beginning"
As I don't come from the wealthy end of society myself, I'm not sure if you made any mistakes in your descriptions along the way. What I would say is that there is and always has been a big divide in society over here with regards to class. I think in America, it's different - more money based. Over here one has to be born into the higher class to truly belong to it. One can become very rich, but it will be very noticeable to those who are born to it, that one is not.
There are lots of English touches, e.g. the Harris Tweed coat, tea-time etc. and I wish that some of them were still applicable. In our modern world and in an endeavour to become one of the crowd, leisure clothing has become more the norm, rather than the beautiful formal attire that was prevalent, even in my youth. My father always wore Harris Tweed and he had several lovely outfits of it in different colours depending on the time of the year.
You mentioned a link and I would be very interested to hear more about that. I have researched quite a few family histories over the years. They are always fascinating.
One thing that did stand out to me and I could be wrong here is the part about the 'freshly baked biscuits'. Over here biscuits are called scones. What you call cookies, we call biscuits. Incidentally, what you call fries, we call chips and what you call chips, we call crisps. Separated by a common language, huh!
The story moved along at a good pace and kept me interested all the way through. I had to stop and look up Proteus Syndrome because I didn't know what that was, although I sort of guessed, after your excellent description.
The house and surroundings were well described. I could easily picture what it looked like.
The characters were well drawn and believable.
I would like to recommend that you watch "Downton Abbey" if you haven't already seen it. I think you would find it very interesting.
Well done.
A nicely detailed chapter again Loyd. Chris and Evelyn are getting closer, which is nice. They will be able to see each other through traumas to come. I wonder what grandma Wilkins will have to say about Josey and her family? Nothing amiss here that I can see. The story moves on, almost in real time, which is interesting and I am trying to guess where it goes next. I hope Evelyn will cope well with the funeral. Well done.
Hello Josh and thank you for posting your story today :) I think you are a romantic and how lovely is that. I wish there were more of them. Now to your story: I enjoyed your story, but I noticed a few things you might want to adjust. It's up to you - your story, just my opinion.
At the start you mentioned that the bells of the church were ringing, it was 10.30. Did you mean at night? I doubt if the church bells would be ringing so late in the night. If so, I think the neighbours would have something to say about it. If it was 10.30 in the morning, then the church bells would be ringing but you wouldn't be able to see the stars?
Be careful about the falling in the ditch scene. When I first read it, I thought the girl had fallen into the ditch, in which case it would be almost impossible to find her or see her, in the dark, on a street with no lights. A flashlight would be needed? Then I realised that she hadn't fallen in the ditch, but just near to the ditch so he must have almost tripped over her. I'm surprised he could tell that she had brown hair, in the dark.
So we are left to presume that these are soul mates, drawn together through pure chance. That's romantic. You could perhaps have included the girl at the beginning of the story so that we had an inkling of what might be going to happen. Maybe they saw each other in church. He saw her, she saw him, the sun shone through the church window onto her brown hair? That sort of thing. Would they meet again? We don't know yet. He looks for her during his holiday, but he never sees her again, until ..... maybe a quick glimpse of her leaving the pub. He chases but again he misses her. That way you build up the tension and the reader is wishing him on to find her again.
You could also use the senses more - a whiff of her perfume as she passes by, the sound of the church bells reminding him of her, that sort of thing.
You have used 'And then' twice in the last few sentences. It might be better to try a different way, other wish the story becomes 'and then, and then I did this and then I did that' sort of thing.
Lots of promise in your story, but I think you could improve it a bit.
For the longest time during your poem, I thought it was a train…. Until you mentioned the sea! Then I had to wonder :)
Well done. I enjoyed your poem riddle very much.
An interesting chapter Loyd. I enjoyed it although I feel sorry for Evelyn because now we learn that her relationship with her mother is another trial in Evelyn's life. The paragraphs are full and descriptive so we feel immersed in the story as if we were there, going through it all with Evelyn. It might be a good idea for Evelyn to mention the situation with her mother next time she visits the counsellor. Well done.
Hello Loyd, I liked this chapter. It has a lot more description in it so I can visualise the settings a lot better. I particularly liked the descriptions surrounding the church and its visitors.
That granny is hard work, isn't she. I'm wondering what her backstory is? She seems to have it in for Evelyn, doesn't she.
I'm beginning to wonder if this story is going to be about Evelyn or Leyla or Leyla's mum? From the title of your book, it feels like Evelyn is the main protagonist so maybe we're done with the Leyla story for now and other stories are coming along to emphasize the journey that Evelyn is on?
So, lots to think about in this chapter. I enjoyed it. Thank you.
I suppose you have to stand back a little and not get too involved if you are a counsellor of some sort. I've seen lots of programmes where this sort of scenario is played out and is rarely successful. You explained it well in this chapter and if I've got it right, Evelyn is not getting much satisfaction out of talking to the counsellor. However, it's early days yet, but in the meantime, life goes on and one week's leave is not enough to get over something as traumatic as what happened to Evelyn and John. I'm now wondering what the grandma is going to do next with the Leyla part of this story.
That’s a very polished chapter, which I enjoyed reading. I’m glad John Toland’s name is being added to the wall. Yes, I think Chris is right to visit grandma’s church. There is knowledge there waiting to be found. The mystery surrounding Leyla is intriguing.
I like the sentence ‘Evelyn went to the office from which…..’ it was well constructed. Often I see that ‘from’ right at the end in other people’s work and it doesn’t sit right there.
Well done!
It was nice to see Leyla being brought back into the story Loyd. In the first chapter I thought we were going to see/hear a lot more about Leyla's back story. Now the emphasis is on Evelyn's wonderings about God and his place in all of this, which may prove to be the main emphasis of the whole novel, given the title. I love how she is drawn back to Chris Leighton at the end.
John Toland has died and I'm asking myself why he needed to be taken out of the story so soon?
I really like the 'Why am I making this about myself' question. There are so many people who make things about themselves, when really they are just a small part of the whole.
Evelyn is learning a lot about life through her job and also her home situation, which isn't great. Maybe now is the time to hear a bit of her backstory. We'll see what's in the next chapter...
Nothing wrong with the grammar etc. that I could see. The story flows well and is easy to absorb. Well done.
Shirley
Good morning :) This chapter started with a nice little bit of camaraderie between Evelyn and Toland. It's always good to have a bit of comedy, especially in a story like this one, which is intense. This chapter came as a surprise to me. It takes us away from the Leyla story and puts us into another scenario entirely, although I suppose that is almost typical for the police service in this day and age, sadly. Also it was nicely led - Evelyn wanting to check out the neighbourhood where Leyla lives. Having persuaded us that Toland is a really good guy, now we have to come to terms with the fact that he has been shot. Oh 'caramba', what a horrid thing to happen to him. No, our heros can't die! He must be injured, but will that endear him to Evelyn even more. We'll have to wait and see. The pace moves along in its usual steadiness, which I like. The conversations are easy (nice) (well constructed). I didn't find anything in the grammar to comment on and I look forward to the next chapter.
Hello Loyd :) Well here comes the next exciting chapter, all the more exciting because the previous one was quieter. Two scenes to devour here. Firstly the court scene and the surprise of Josey's postponed plea. Yes, that was a good idea - postpone the judgement and increase the tension and secondly, Chris's fearful moment right at the end, cliffhanger. I wasn't quite sure where the store was, meaning, does Chris work there or is he doing a sort of out of hours community service. Please clarify, is that part of his job as pastor or is it his day job out of hours?
The lighter addition of Evelyn's return home to her flat to find that Beth, her housemate, had eaten Evelyn's supper, was a welcome diversion from the heaviness of the other situations.
An excellent chapter, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Well done.
Shirley :)
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