A Review for: A Case Against Nilisim Chapters 1 and 2.
In Chapter One, the reader meets “Hallel” a Guardian Angel assigned to Roger Durst when he was 5. While the meeting seems hopeful, its implied the assignment does not go well.
In Chapter Two, after 14 years have passed, the reader finds Hallel in Heaven, recovering from the assignment of his last charge, Roger.
First Impressions
Hallel seems like a well intentioned guardian angel who has had a difficult assignment and is potentially tasked with another challenging assignment.
My review will cover ‘editing’ points to consider regarding Chapter 1 and Chapter 2.
Editing Points
Hook: A hook is the opening sentence that is intended to grab the reader’s attention right away. The hook here is interesting: It was the summer of 1995 when I introduced myself to the charge I was to oversee, Roger Durst, but it could be stronger. Try to eliminate “was” verbs as they are signs of “telling” and not “showing.”
My suggestion: Roger took three of his mother’s cigarettes, snapped them in half, and mixed the tobacco with water, using it as a swamp for his action figures.
This is showing the reader something – Roger is young, he’s still playing with action figures, and he has an imagination. The reader learns his mother smokes cigarettes – a questionable decision. There is no “was” used in my suggestion and it piques the reader’s curiosity. Why is Roger playing with his mother’s cigarettes? The reader wants to keep reading.
Theme: A theme is that literary technique that ties a story together. Such themes might involve man vs. nature, man vs. man, good vs. evil, free will vs destiny, etc. A theme doesn’t have to appear right away, but a reader should have a sense of the theme that ties the story together. My general overall sense was the theme involved good vs. evil.
Plot. A plot is a structured sequence of events that drives the story with a beginning, middle, end. Here we’re dealing with the beginning. Chapter one reads more like a prologue, as the reader looks into an event that happened with Hallel in 1995. Then chapter two jumps forward to 2009 and Hallel is back in Heaven. The reader was expecting a story with Hallel and Roger and now Roger is gone and we have Hallel in Heaven, emotionally scared by his time with Roger. I might suggest just starting the story with Hallel in Heaven.
Characters: Hallel as a scared guardian angel is a character that I think would pique a reader’s interest. Roger also seems interesting.
Conflict – external conflict drives internal conflict. It’s the reason the main character is on the journey. Hallel appears to the main character. The external conflict is Roger, but we don’t know what he’s done to drive Hallel’s internal conflict.
Spelling/Punctuation/Grammar – I didn’t spot any spelling, punctuation or grammar mistakes.
Tense: The tense changes from the first person used in chapter one (Hallel’s ‘I’) to the third person and more of a limited viewpoint from Hallel’s perspective. I might use one or the other – either “I” or the 3rd person and be consistent.
Show vs Tell – Telling leads to a passive voice and readers will lose interest if they’re always told what the main character does as opposed to being shown. For example: Roger was five at the time and lived an already deplorable life.
My suggestion: Poor kid was using tobacco from his mother’s cigarettes as a swamp for his action figures. What had this kid seen? The casual pleasures of sex? Glass bottles getting thrown against the door? Hallel shuddered at the thought of the horrors Roger witnessed.
Voice: The voice of Hallel is very formal, which is fine, but a more formal tone can detach a reader from a story. Try to keep voice as conversational as possible.
Dialogue: Roger’s dialogue seems more mature for his age. I might suggest simplifying his responses.
In Chapter 2, we meet Hallel again, stewing in his misery from (I’m assuming) failing Roger. I might understand disappointment, but he’s a guardian angel. I think a depiction of an honest assessment of his performance might be best served so we can get to know him in a more positive light.
The Title is a curious one: A Case Against Nihilism. Nihilism means life without meaning. As a suggestion, I think A Case Against a life without meaning might be a little better title and allow readers to connect with it more.
Overall, as a rough draft, there’s a lot of potential. Hallel is the character on the journey. Decide on tense, 1st vs 3rd person, and work on showing the reader more of the story.
An Angel Army Review
 
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THE POEM
WHAT I LIKED 
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
Must slam that beastly little arrow-flinger, CUPID! 
WHAT I LIKED/AKA CUPID SLAM aka GOOD, BAD, or UGLY:
stalks the writer's blog
