Imagery wise, I really like this poem. It sent chills through me thinking about the pictures your words painted. There was a sense of dread throughout.
It's hard to tell if this was supposed to be free verse or not. In some stanzas you used a rhyming couplet. Others didn't rhyme at all. That's okay by itself.
There were lines of this poem that were significantly shorter. This occurred every other stanza and I found it made things difficult to read. The choices for where to end or begin a stanza seems random leading to a feeling of chaos in the reading. Not sure you meant to make your poem feel this way.
I think this could have easily been written as a first person story and been better that way. Still this is just my opinion and you are the artist.
It's a poem about candy! That's what drew me to this. The words were light and wonderful. I like what I'm assuming was a clever play on words with 'twixt. I'm pretty sure this is the best poem about a vice I've read recently.
I'm found your work through the "Noticing Newbies" portion of the site. It seems sniffing through your portfolio may be in order as the work mentioned in the description for this story isn't one I've heard of.
By its self, this is a deeply immersive and subtle romance. I wish I had read the other work before finding this short piece. You have a gift for description that I find myself envious of. The setting and characters aren't that hard to imagine as I'm reading. Hope to see more excellent work from you in the future!
Interesting take on the prompt. I'm not sure which contest this was written for but it's definitely terrifying. I like how the man/monster keeps changing his name every so many centuries.
I have one tiny suggestion. The sentence "You should've listened to your, now dead, mother." Would read better as "You should've listened to your now dead mother." It might have sounded more natural as "You should have listened to your late mother." (Late as in recently deceased, not as in late for work.) Just my opinion.
I get the feeling 1467 and 1620 are dates. While I feel it's okay to stay with almost modern English, abbreviations as we know them weren't used until the late 1800s or early 1900s. It kind of broke the immersion to read words like "haven't" in dialogue that should sound like it's from the 17th century or earlier.
Other than that I found this a gripping read. Good luck in the contest!
I joined this activity for the cats. That said, in all seriousness, I look at this activity as a way to broaden my horizons. It looks like participants in 26 paychecks can expect to be pushed outside their normal activities on WDC. Thats probably a good thing.
The layout is simple and the forum is easy to use. My one suggestion is inserting a link/button that takes participants directly to the posts. Actually never mind I just realized you already have that covered. I'm glad you didn't give up! The formatting for the page is great!
I'm impressed, I'm a fan of Big Bang Theory and I didn't recognize all the names. You've done a very thorough job in making this puzzle. Thanks for sharing it so I could monkey around with it!
On the whole I thought this story was sweet. The female protagonist and ghost butler seem to have become quite friendly with one another over time. There were lots of touching moments and some really good laughs.
I'm not sure why you used hashtags to break up the scenes but it works just as well as asterisks.
My feedback is that in some places there were out of place quotation marks, some WML errors and a missing preposition. Nothing a good proofreading won't fix.
This really is a good story. Thanks for sharing it.
I am reviewing this for I Write. It's interesting the way the themes of the verses sort of meld yet are still distinct. The poem works fine but I'd like to focus more on the even verses since those are the ones you wrote.
I loved the use of sky and weather imagery in the poem. I found the lines linking colors of the rainbow to elements especially wonderful. It's great that you mention that one's outlook can affect what one focuses on. I like the contrast between soft raindrops and thunder.
One suggestion I do have is that the repetitive use of the word "us" in the fourth verse kind of made it a little hard for me to read. I'm not sure it's something that needs to be fixed.
Overall, I really enjoyed this collaborative poem.
Sad and beautiful yet shocking. I had to read to the end. You've got great imagery here and it captures a wide range of feelings. I almost drowned in Kelly's nostalgia in a good way.
I didn't expect the ending either. A very different take on attachment than I'm used to. Thank you for sharing this with us at WDC.
I am reviewing "The Journey To Alaska" for the I Write activity. This was a short piece but you managed to use the prompt well. While I did care about what the main character I really didn't get much of a sense of who she was. I get that she was a mother who cared for her daughter but why did she feel the need to sneak off before her husband woke up? Does he not love their daughter, did he give up, did he not want his wife to do something dangerous? I don't understand what motivated his actions.
You had some excellent word choices that showed what was going on. You also managed to make the pharmacy seem warm and welcoming.
There are a few suggestions I'd like to make. The sentence "Hiring someone was too expensive to do." Could've been shortened to "Hiring someone was too expensive." While it's not really a problem, I noticed you used sentence fragments several times. "Frozen. " and "Good." Could be attached to the sentences before them.
However, I think you do have a good start. It could be fleshed out a little but this is good.
It's an interesting take on the prompt. A hybrid of two species, aliens and dragons is the protagonist. I like the idea of fighting for equal rights. It seems to be an important issue to Daisy.
I feel like although the narrative was clear, I didn't feel immersed in it. I didn't get a clear picture of Daisy's world or emotions. Is she angry, relieved or happy? What are the aliens like? Were the dragons always there?
You've got a good start, but I think that this could be expanded into a much longer story.
I am reviewing this for I write. When I first read your poem, I laughed so hard. The way you used the prompt to make a play on words is excellent.
I enjoyed the rhymes in this poem. They were simple but not obvious. However I did find myself stumbling a little trying to read this out loud. That could have more to do with me and less with the poem though.
On the whole this is great work. I found the couple's dilemma relatable. It's always a lot of work to get ready for guests. Loved the silly solution the husband came up with!
I love this narrative poem! Wonderful take on the prompt. The husband's solutions to the bed problem actually made me laugh out loud. Good luck in the contest!
I had a hard time reading this. I read the entire thing and I'm sorry for your loss and your pain.
While there wasn't much in the way of spelling errors I do have some feedback. The following sentence seemed awkward. "It was time in my life that it had to be okay for me to not be okay." I understand the sentiment but I think writing the first part as "It was a time in my life" would help the sentence make more sense.
I read the accounts of what your father did to you. While they weren't too graphic, I feel like this needs to be rated ASR or 13+. But I could be wrong. It could just be my mind getting triggered by the imagery.
Sometimes things got a little redundant. Maybe thats not a problem but I would suggest finding synonyms for Broken. Also I'm not sure your mother or you were broken. I find that word in this context to be somewhat pejorative. You were definitely abused and scared. I still don't understand how his spouse—your other parent—was broken. It may be better to omit that sentence about how broken you and his spouse were.
I do like your point of view on forgiveness. It shows real strength to forgive someone. Thank you for sharing this with us at I Write.
This seems to be about a place you really like. It's not bad, rhyming couplets alternated with "To ___ upon Squantz Pond." Your love of this place comes through clearly in the imagery and word choice.
While the poem reads well as a whole, there are some minor things I noticed. The names of seasons like autumn, spring, etc. don't need to be capitalized. Also there is a strange bit of formatting.
Most of your rhymed couplets are separated from the refrain by two spaces. There were a couple of times where you must've hit the return or enter key an extra time. It probably doesn't detract from the piece for most readers though. You can leave it or fix it.
This poem says a lot in very few words. It appears to look at the potential a second holds. It is simple, easy to read and thought provoking. I liked how the last stanza echoed the first.
Hi, I stumbled on your writing in the noticing newbies. You have an intriguing story idea here. A parasite that eats its host and takes over the body is terrifying!
There was one grammar mistake I found in your writing. "I'm sure that their not infected" should be "I'm sure that they're not infected." There are online and paper based handbooks for grammar and spelling if you need to, you can reference one of these.
Also I think you could've used more different words to describe the creature. You talk about how it looks like slime covered in slime and blood. A suggestion would be to instead say it was gooey, covered in slime and blood. Again there are online resources to find words that are similar but not the same. Also printed thesauruses are useful for locating synonyms of words you've already written.
Anyways, after thats been said, I think you've got a good story idea. Whether the protagonist survives or succumbs to disease, I think you should keep working on this story.
This has potential. You built the swamp into its own character almost. I really liked that. This was a very suspenseful story and you used an extensive vocabulary.
I do have some remarks. You had a bad habit of writing sentence fragments and making single sentences into paragraphs when they shouldn't have been. I feel as though you may have done this to build tension but after the first dozen or so instances of orphan sentences, I found it detracted from the story.
This almost had a Gothic vibe to it. Like "Murders in the Rue Morgue". There was an overall sense of dread. You mention a monster that was "indescribable" that some cult had chased this man. Then at the end you have a vile deranged man almost kill your protagonist. It left me wondering if the monster was the man or if you changed your mind about what was chasing the protagonist.
Another very minor pointer about WML and formating. On this website there is a way to make one of these — by typing {emdash}. It looks nicer on the screen than --.(In my opinion.)
Anyways, this is not the end all of reviews. Just one person's opinion. Liked your story! Welcome to WDC.
You worked the prompt in at the end. It's impressive that you could write a Santa Claus story with that line.
I kind of felt bad for Jeremy. It's a bit of a head scratcher on how playing a mall Santa is for a good cause. Still the aunt was mostly trying to pressure Jeremy. I'm not clear on her motivation but I guess in flash fiction it's harder to show that kind of thing.
This is hilarious! I like the way you worked in the prompt to the song lyrics. I can imagine this happening on a televised singing competition. The stove pipe hats were a great way of foreshadowing the Gettysburg address quote the end of the story.
I am reviewing Happily Ever After for I Write 2025.
This poem was sweet. The inclusion of the "sitting in a tree" line took me right back to grade school.
I liked the poem's story. I think it's great that you took the time to really show this couple ended up getting married all because of the spread of a rumor. It's a very interesting concept that I don't think I've seen before.
I am amazed at how brave you are. This letter shows a lot of yourself and what you've been going through this last year. Your words paint a clear picture of someone who has been through a lot.
Thank you for including the video for the song that inspired the title of this item. It really added to the already uplifting tone of your work.
I don't think I have any suggestions for improvement. You did a good job of making sure your letter was easily readable by choosing the font and letter size that you did. Your use of WML enhanced the emotions that were present. Your word choice was clear and easy to understand. Good luck in this year and this contest!
You make some interesting points in your writing. While mostly fine grammatically, there were some errors. Mostly rhetorically and one spelling that I picked up on.
In your writing you declare that Jesus is a real person and say there is evidence. Yet you do not expound or offer any examples from archeology or historical records. If you're going to state something like this, it needs facts for you to back it up.
I'd also like to say that Mohamed is also a real person who lived near present day Mecca around the sixth century common era. He didn't inspire the Qur'an —which you also misspelled—the words which he received as what he felt were revelations from God—Allah as Islam calls Him. The Qur'an is the record of those revelations.
Also you say that Mohammed was trying to save Arabs from "Immortality." Immortality is eternal life. I think you mean immorality. Just an idea but always make sure your auto correct is off or make sure you're using the right words by using a dictionary.
Just a personal feeling but the term Arab is a bit dated and kind of racist. Please research the Middle East and find a different term. And no I don't mean spout off what NBC CNN or FOX news has said about the area. Real facts about the place Islam originated.
Islam was founded in the city of Mecca. Mohammed was trying to get people to worship who he believed was God. At the time in the city Mecca, the Kaaba was a black cubic temple built for the idol worship of gods like Baal, Ishtar and Inana. Mohammed wanted to find the true God so he prayed.
Regardless of your beliefs, I think it behoves you to research a little more about the beliefs of other religions. It would greatly improve the quality of this piece. You don't have to convert, but this needs a rewrite.
I am reviewing Sumojo's December 7th entry for I Write.
The topic for the prompt was controversial. I think that what you wrote was both tasteful and tactful. I had no idea that the UK and Australia had done away with the death penalty. Your rhetorical questions really swayed me over.
I used to think that as long as it was carried out humanely, and the person was guilty, the capital punishment was justifiable. However, the questions made me think about it. I changed my mind. Your writing convinced me to switch to your point of view.
I'm impressed with the way you worked the prompt into your blog entry. It made an excellent hook to keep me reading.
I cannot find any writing, grammar or spelling errors. The piece is short and to the point.
I hope this doesn't come across as patronizing, but I really feel like this is a well put together piece. It would probably make good reading for a philosophy class. Possibly on a collegiate or at least secondary education level. Good job, thanks for allowing me to review your entry.
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