Prof Moriarty's (profmoriarty) Reviews

Prof Moriarty

Review Requests: ON

875 Public Reviews Given

920 Total Reviews Given

276

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3328285

Review of The Last Day

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

This could be a good title, but, since this is also the prompt, you run the risk of another writer using it as the name of her story. In your case, a title 'Death of a City' or 'The Last Days of..' could be good title. For the latter, you need to have a name for the city which should be inserted in the blank space at the end.

Brief description:

An electricity problem results in a huge fire which devastates an entire city.

The characters:

Here the main protagonist is an inanimate object which is 'The City.'I think you did a great job in creating a picture of the futuristic city. You included a lot of details, which is what this contest is all about. I will refer to them in the 'Kudos and Applause' section.

Kudos and Applause:

You have a unique storyline.

Great take on the prompt. Exactly what I sought.

The following details in your story impressed me
1. Vivid portrayal of the devastating fire, the screaming workers and the student's ghastly death.
2. The transport system created a fine image of a futuristic city. I am not quite clear what exactly you meant by pods, but on the whole your description created a solid impact.
3. You used an intelligent idea to bring into use the fire brigade and through that painted a picture of the unused roads,the potholes and the junk.
4. The crowded hospitals.
5. The riots.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The narrative style of your item could become boring for some readers. While it works well for this contest, it may not in other cases. Currently, your work reads like a methodical description and some readers may brand it as 'telling' instead of 'showing.' One way to beat this is by making the old man a part of the story. For example, he could say his student plunged to death or he was trapped in the pod or he fought with the doctor and so on.

I couldn't comprehend the significance of the government shutting down the city. What is meant by that? Were the people evacuated? Was the city cordoned off? Are you saying that all citizens died on that day?

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

All the while fires continued burning, trapping those who had already been working and forcing those who hadn’t onto the streets and into the confusion and uproar[,] It became the only place to go. All the while fires continued burning, trapping those who had already been working and forcing those who hadn’t onto the streets and into the confusion and uproar because that became the only place to go.

Overall Impression:

Vivid description of the death of a city.

Rating parameters

Storyline/Prompt: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 5/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 4/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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277

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14 days may be credited.

#3328282

Review of The day that everything went wrong

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (3.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

My issue with this title is that since it is the prompt many writers will use it. This is what has actually happened and your creation loses its distinctive identity.

Brief description:

A poem about a bad day.

The characters:

No characterization seen.

Kudos and Applause:

Prompt is followed.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I wish you would have included more detailing.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Not sure why is the 'c' capitalized in 'Cleaners.'

Overall Impression:

A short poem about a person who wakes up feeling sick.

Rating parameters

Storyline/Prompt: 3/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 2.5/5

Unputdownability: 2.5/5

Ending: 3/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 2.8/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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278

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3328259

Review of The Day Everything Went Wrong

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge for the "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

The title is interesting, but remember that it is also the prompt of the contest and there could be some other author using the same name. You should try and think of original titles. One suggestion is 'When Mom calls.'

Brief description:

A woman wakes up to discover that rain water has entered her house through a leakage in the roof.

The characters:

We do not have much on the central character, Louisa. The only detail is some information on her parents.

Kudos and Applause:

Fits the prompt well.

I am content with the details that you provide and I can recreate the image in my mind.

Good detailing:
i. fairy-like particles dancing in the dim light
ii. The deluge surged away from the disturbance of my feet, nudging the walls eagerly.
iii. The ghosts of poems being sapped from their homes in the pages of books, bleeding into the invading tide.
iv. When it did, it exposed the heavy beads of water weighing down each blade of spring grass that stood among the mud.

In general the flooding has been well-described.

The tentative steps she takes when she enters the muddy water are also 'shown' well.

The telephone call she receives is so poignant.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I read your story several times but couldn't 'see' the layout of the house. I only know that the bedroom is in the basement. However, I do not know where is the living room, where is the porch, what is the porch swing? In contrast to the flooding which has been shown so well, this was a bit of a letdown. Let me explain a bit more. I assumed that she is sleeping on a bedroom on the ground floor. She comes out from there wading through the water and reaches the stairs. She climbs up the stairs and settles down and sees the flooding. Now where is the living room located and what do you mean when you say it is above the threshold? Also, if the stairs lead to a porch, the same does not come out in the story.

You make an excessive use of adverbs.(completely,desolately, evenly, morosely, listlessly, sporadically,timidly, achingly, eerily and many more.) Just do a search of the word 'ly' in your story and they will all show up) This is not advised and I myself have been reprimanded severely for doing so. Use more of nouns and verbs, less of adjectives and adverbs.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

It started with the dripping[,] rhythmic like Chinese water torture on my forehead. It started with the dripping rhythmic like Chinese water torture on my forehead. (Comma is not requires as 'dripping' and 'rhythmic' are non-coordinate adjectives)

Your paragraphs are long which could be cumbersome to read. Break them into smaller paragraphs.

scuffled scuffed

Overall Impression:

A fantastic depiction of a day where everything went wrong. Great detailing.

Rating parameters

Storyline/Prompt: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best in the contest.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

** Image ID #1594064 Unavailable **

279

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3324600

Review of Bonner

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty

, do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item. I came across your story in the Editor's picks of the UENG Newsletter.

The title:

The title is unusual. I actually thought that you meant 'Boner.'

Brief description:

A businesswoman is frustrated by her loneliness in her hotel room.

The characters:

There is only one main character. Her emptiness and frustration is shown well.

Kudos and Applause:

Good Showing: The heavy messenger bag was sliding off my shoulder as I grappled with my purse, a water bottle, and my room key. The little "snick" of admittance was a blessed sound indeed.

I could identify with the protagonist's loneliness and her weakness for creating an imaginary character and pining for him.

It is difficult to write a story about yearning when the 'object of desire' is illusory. You do rather well.

A powerful last sentence, and yes, I want more of this story for sure.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

Erotica is low.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Somehow I'd lost my taste for anything that smacked of romance these days. Somehow[,]I'd lost my taste for anything that smacked of romance these days.

Overall Impression:

A story about yearning which evokes strong emotions.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 4/5

Final Rating: 4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

280

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14 days may be credited.

#3324585

Review of Heaven

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty

, do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Good title which makes even more sense at the end of the story.

Brief description:

A story of first love, early motherhood, sacrifice, struggle and eventual success. It all starts with a little romp in the meadows.

The characters:

You did a wonderful job with character building for such a short piece. The heroine is admirable for so many reasons. She is passionate, romantic, brave, spirited and so much more.

Kudos and Applause:

I enjoyed your story thoroughly. It has all the elements which I define as entertainment, erotic, romance, love, struggle and eventual success.

The erotica, though short, is extremely effective. The part where the woman savors the sweetness inside her is really hot.

I liked the struggle and success.

The end is sad, but memorable.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

There are several grammatical errors which I think is more out of sloppiness than anything else. I have tried and pointed out some of them in the Technical Section, but they are much more. These errors take away the pleasure of reading.

I didn't understand the significance of these names:Switchadiddy, Whatchamabobbit, Flipflop, Okeefenokee (Is there something I am missing? I did find these names jarring)

Eliminate these errors and this would be an enchanting read.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

descremated Perhaps what you meant is desecrated

turrist tourist

Low and behold Lo and behold

Andrews's Andrews'

Overall Impression:

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Final Rating: 4.3/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

281

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3314241

Review of It could be

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Nice title. It conjures images of longing.

Brief description:

A woman laments her relationship turning sour.

The characters:

Don't see the relevance for characterization in this piece.

Kudos and Applause:

I could feel the woman's pain and suffering.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I am not clear about why the relationship turned sour.

I am not clear about the 'missing cuff.'

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

ill I'll

im I'm (several instances)

its It's (several instances)

i've I've

Overall Impression:

A nice poem of yearning.

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

282

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3314238

Review of My eagle

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

It isn't a catchy title, though it's apt and appropriate. I would suggest you create some suspense with a title like 'My Unusual Pet.' Readers would be intrigued and once they start reading they would be hooked because it is a well-written story.

Brief description:

A six year old discovers an injured eagle in a garden. The child's mother comes to the rescue and together they nurture the bird.

The characters:

The child's portrayal is realistic. I grew fond of her and the parents as well. You have also painted a vivid image of the eagle. (Though you have not revealed the sex of the child, I assume it's a girl. Pardon me, If I got that wrong.)

Kudos and Applause:

You have written a touching story. I felt quite sad when the bird flew away in the end, though it is the best thing to have happened.

The girl's awe and curiosity is 'shown' well. I loved the entire 'happy family' setting complete with the dog.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

This looks like a real life story and it would be unfair to pass comments, but I was a bit surprised that there is no mention of a veterinary doctor.

An eagle, even though a baby, is an intimidating bird. It seemed unusual that the mother was so cool about it. Perhaps a sentence or two would help here where you could talk about her kind and brave nature or maybe even previous experience with animals.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

I came across an injured baby eagle lying in a ditch, carrying a wing at an odd angle, obviously very young in spite of it being the size of a medium sized crow I came across an injured baby eagle lying in a ditch, it's wing folded at an odd angle. Though it's size was that of a medium sized crow, it was obviously very young.

play at my house were a rare treat. play at our house were a rare treat. (technically nothing wrong. Just that 'my' sounds too self-centered.

)

‘til (I know it is correct but not something purists approve)

I would be there early in the morning at his side[ Early in the morning, I would be there early at his side.

It seemed to mostly consist of It seemed to consist of (Cut down adverbs. In this sentence even without 'mostly' your sentence conveys the same meaning.)

But it was never more than a few meters, and he came back home as usual to his warm and comfy trunk. My mother told me he was wild and would eventually fly away… that’s how he would be happiest. But I hoped he would stay forever. However, it was never more than a few meters, and he came back home as usual to his warm and comfy trunk. My mother told me he was wild and would eventually fly away… that’s how he would be happiest, but I hoped he would stay forever.( There are too many 'but' within a short space. Also, avoid starting sentences with a conjunction, though I know it is an acceptable practice these days)

I guess its better that way. I guess it's better that way

Overall Impression:

A story of compassion and caring for animals. A must read for all animal lovers.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Final Rating: 4.3/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

283

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3312735

Review of Where Evil Dwells

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. I mustered a lot of courage to review a Moderator. If I erred, feel free to admonish me as you would an errant child.

The title:

Excellent title.

Brief description:

A house with five eccentric women residing in it conceals a deadly secret.

The characters:

Polly and David are two instantly likable characters. The five eccentric women are cruel and despicable, but somehow this fact is not more told than shown. I will dwell upon this in my Suggestions section.

Kudos and Applause:

Smooth and lucid read. Good sentence construction.

This part is so sweet: 'This in mind, I brushed myself against Polly's leg and meowed in a way I hoped would send her the message that she was in trouble.'

Really enjoyed the part where the cat turns the table on the witches.

Thanks for the happy ending.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

It doesn't seem possible that the cat could pounce upon all the witches and pour the brew on them. This could be easily resolved by saying that only one of the witch carried the brew and the cat pounced upon her.

I think you could have saved the other two children as well. Killing them doesn't add anything to the story. We know already that the three women are bad news.

I have mentioned before that the cruelty of the witches is more told than shown. What is perhaps missing is the reason why they crave their special powers. Your story just mentions that they lose their powers for a year and they become weak. You could probably bring out how they benefit from those powers. It could be eternal beauty or permanent youth or some such thing.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

when she tilted her head to look at the sky, Her deep blue eyes mesmerized me. when she tilted her head to look at the sky, her deep blue eyes mesmerized me.

That worry was short-lived. That worry immediately materialized.

bound Polly hand and foot to the chair. bound Polly's hand and foot to the chair.

"NO!" "No!"

a wicked grin coming to her lips as she said a wicked grin forming on her lips as she said

Overall Impression:

A horror story with a moral that if one is determined anything is possible. This work of a published writer is a must read.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Final Rating: 4.3/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

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284

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14 days may be credited.

#3311930

Review of The Black Swan

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. I mustered a lot of courage to review a Moderator. If I erred, feel free to admonish me as you would an errant child.

The title:

A catchy title.

Brief description:

A woman who finds success in her professional life is struggling on the personal front. When she discovers that she is pregnant, her mind is torn by the painful decision she decides to take. Her boyfriend also earns my sympathies, though he should not. I have touched upon this part later on in my review.

The characters:

Sharon is a complex character, but you do well to surface the turmoil in her mind while she is torn between the desire for her boyfriend and the demands of the workplace.

Kudos and Applause:

A story affects a reader in various and sometimes unexpected ways. I have always been an ardent advocate of women being employed and financially independent. I have seen talented and qualified women around me crumble to nothingness because they did not pursue professional careers and weren't financially dependent. Sharon, though she suffers a painful act, endears herself to me because she chose to not throw away her career even when faced with such a poignant situation. Motherhood, perhaps is the greatest feeling for a woman and it takes a lot to urge this natural instinct and get on with your life. I am not sure you wrote your story to mean all this.

Sharon is so determined about her purpose. Her heart wants to meet him and at a moment when she would be emotionally vulnerable she manages to withstand the call of her heart and refuses to meet her boyfriend. I think that was a great moment in the story,albeit a sad one.

The last paragraph will be etched in my memories for a long time. It is like reading a piece of haunting poetry. Knowing that there are some autobiographical memories linked with this story make it even more heart-rending.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

For me, Cynthia had no impact on the story. If you were using her just to 'show' us the turmoil of her imminent abortion, there are other ways to do without creating an additional filler character. You could just show us the medical report or give us a flashback of her conversation with the boyfriend the previous night, which anyway you have touched upon.

The only thing which didn't work for me is how could a practical minded girl fall from a guy who is a loafer? A bit of background would have helped here. We know that she is human and is liable to have her weaknesses, but what made their relationship click. She still seems to have a lot of feelings for him and struggles to obliterate him from her mind.

I also did feel sorry for the boyfriend, in spite of the fact that he doesn't have money (nothing wrong about it) and is a loafer (which I mind).However, the guys seems to be well-meaning and kind and the story could have been slightly kind to him.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Her secretary in the front office had left her light on, having already one. (I didn't get this sentence, especially the part after the comma.)

jumped into a bubble bath in the tub. (Does anyone jump into a bath or should it be step into the tub or get into the tub.)

playing n it playing on it

She was runnnig a course She was running a course

She recalled watching "Love With The Proper Stranger”as a rerun just last week She recalled watching "Love With The Proper Stranger” at a rerun just last week

Overall Impression:

A sad tale of the consequences of unplanned pregnancies. A woman's turmoil is explained through poignant images. A must read for all readers of women's issues.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3/5(I found some sentence structuring issues)

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Final Rating: 4.2 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

** Image ID #1669212 Unavailable **

285

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3311638

Review of Why I Quit My Dream Job

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. I mustered a lot of courage to review a Moderator. If I erred, feel free to admonish me as you would an errant child.

The title:

Great title!

Brief description:

A well-meaning conscientious person joins an institute housing residents with special needs, but is soon disillusioned with the state of affairs.

The characters:

There isn't much of a characterization here, but that doesn't detract from your story in any way. You say that this is a true story and since you write in the first person I assume that this is written from your own experience. Your altruistic nature comes across strongly. You are also not scared to stand up for your principles.

Kudos and Applause:

You raise a topic which is seldom discussed but is of immense significance. It brings to limelight the sorry plight of special need residents in institutions where we all think that they are being well tended to.

I was touched when you and the Associate Director volunteer to work a continuous second shift.

It was distressing to read about residents falling off their beds and being left there as a form of punishment. The physical altercation bit was also shocking.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

After all, I would only take care of someone in the manner I would want to be taken care of. (This sentence doesn't work for me because we are talking about people with special needs and how could you identify with them because their requirements would be quite different from yours.)

This is a real life story and it would be unfair to comment. However, allow me to make a suggestion even at the risk of sounding melodramatic. The best chance of changing a system is by remaining inside rather than quitting. This though is easier said than done.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

learned learnt (Technically, there is nothing wrong with learned as it is quite an accepted practice these days. However, purists would recommend 'learnt' and reserve 'learned' as an adjective, meaning wise.)

and everyone of higher working status knew and all the higher-ups in the organization knew ('Higher working status' doesn't sound right.)

happened time and time again. happened time and again.

We were in pure shock. We were shocked.

director came into work director came to work

Overall Impression:

A shocking tale about the maltreatment of residents in a special needs institute.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/ 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/ 5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 3.5/5

Final Rating: 4.1/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

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#3311566

Review of Phobia

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. I mustered a lot of courage to review a Moderator. If I erred, feel free to admonish me as you would an errant child.

The title:

Good title and en excellent Brief Description.

The Story in brief:

A widow stays alone in an area she is not comfortable with even after staying there for many years. Her children have also moved on with their lives and she is left to fend for herself with her morbid fears.

The characters:

Good description of Anna, her family, her fears and her loneliness. The description of the onset of arthritis was well-done.

Kudos and Applause:

A The second para where you describe how absorbed she is in the book is done using simple words, but is effective.

You 'show' well the protagonist's fears.

Vivid portrayal of the clouds and the rains.

Good description of the weather of Nebraska and Colorado and the contrast is brought out well.

Without harping too much on Anna's loneliness, you still make the reader feel for her loneliness. In fact, I was quite upset with the children for leaving their mom alone knowing that she suffers from the morbid phobia. Maybe this was unintended, but I couldn't help thinking on that line.

The end was both chilling and heart-rending.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

In this sentence 'She just picked up her book and tried to read in the darkened room' I am unclear about why she can't switch on the lights. Is there an electricity failure? It is not mentioned anywhere.

Though there is a shock element in the ending, I was troubled by the ambiguity. I assume that the tornado broke the doors and lifted her body and hurled it somewhere. If the surprise element was intended, I'm sorry to say that it appeared contrived. You could clarify that the next day's newspapers carried columns about the missing persons which the tornado had swept away and that many unrecognized bodies were discovered all around. Just an idea!

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

quietly reading her book ( The word 'quietly' is redundant. I have been scolded several times for my overuse of adverbs)

she had been occupying for hours she had occupied for hours

Her babies had since moved on to their own lives Her children had since moved on to their own lives ('babies' sounds off in the context of this sentence)

She couldn’t bring herself to move knowing she would seldom see her children if she did. She couldn’t bring herself to move[,] knowing she would seldom see her children if she did.

sister in law sister-in-law

but she couldn’t be sure because it had been so dark (even on dark nights you can make put whether there are clouds are not by searching for stars. If you cannot see a star, it means the sky is cloudy

Overall Impression:

A gripping tale of loneliness and fear.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5 / 5

Ending: 3/5

Final Rating: 4.1/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

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#3310163

Review of A Circuitous Route

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I understand and appreciate the time and effort that would have gone into creating this item.

The title:

An excellent title.

Brief description:

A man leaves the shores of America in search of a treasure map, spends a harrowing seven years in Britain before he returns shattered to his homeland. There he makes a surprising discovery.

The characters:

A bit more on the characters would have helped. You've done the right thing by limiting the story to only two protagonists which should have given you sufficient opportunity to build on them without hitting the ceiling of word count. You mention that Alex had three passions in life, but little is known about Marc. Tell us a bit about their families and the beginning of their friendship.

Kudos and Applause:

You begin with a murder scene which hooks your reader.

I read your story with rapt, wide-eyed attention. You've a talent for churning out thrillers and should do more of this.

It made me sentimental as it reminded me of my childhood. I had read a story in the Tin Tin series called Red Rackham's Treasure which has a similar storyline.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing:

There are some areas which weren't believable. For example, finding the parchment in a New Orleans brothel. Coming to think of it, if you would have done away with this scene altogether, I don't think your story would have suffered in any way.

Marc declares to a full courtroom about the maps. Isn't it surprising that no gangster has chased him?

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

If, God forbid, himself or Alex should be taken and questioned If, God forbid, he or Alex should be taken and questioned

Overall Impression:

A thrilling story about the hunt for King Solomon's mines.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4.5 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4 / 5

Unputdownability: 4.5 / 5

Ending: 4.5 / 5

Final Rating: 4.4 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

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#3309949

Review of Fairy Flu

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I understand and appreciate the time and effort that would have gone into creating this item.

The title:

Good title.

Brief description:

A fairy comes down with flue with disastrous results for her human neighbors.

The characters:

Sarah is perfect. So is Trish. The worried parents and the angry neighbor were all done well. It's a considerable feat to build characters within such a short space. Well done.

Kudos and Applause:

It's a beautiful story with an unique plot. I look forward to narrating it to my seven year old son who I'm sure will really enjoy it.

I liked the chicken soup idea. It's nothing extraordinary but so simple and pristine. You have a creative mind because it isn't easy to come up with such clear solutions.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing:

Consider this part:Sarah climbed down the stairs and into the kitchen for breakfast. Her parents seemed quite upset that morning. (You're telling here and not showing.)Sarah climbed down the stairs and into the kitchen for breakfast, when she heard angry voices. (After this you can leave the next part unchanged which is 'Her mother was running...In this way, you do not have to tell the reader that her parents are upset. They will see it for themselves.

)

I think you should build up a series with the two adorable heroines, Sarah and Tish.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Birds chirped loudly outside, waking seven year old Sarah. She loved the sounds of the birds melodies because it indicated another beautiful spring day. Birds chirped outside, waking up seven year old Sarah. She loved the melody of the birds because it indicated another beautiful spring day.

the leaves were a very bright pink. the leaves were a bright pink. ( Very is redundant.)

She was pretty sure it was a girl, because she had long hair and a tiny pink dress. She was sure it was a girl, because she had long hair and a tiny pink dress.(Eliminate adverbs to the extent possible.)

“I thought fairies were pretend,” said Sarah. “I thought fairies were not real,” said Sarah.

Neighbours yelling and screaming went on for several days. The yelling and screaming of the neighbors went on for several days.

He would aslo threaten to chop it down. He would also threaten to chop it down.

Sarah hoped she got better soon Sarah hoped she would get better soon

Sarah hoped she got better soon. She didn't like when everyone fought. She also didn't want Joe to chop the tree down. Sarah was having chicken noodle soup for lunch, that's when she got a brilliant idea. Sarah hoped she would get better soon. She neither liked it when people fought nor did she want Joe to chop down the tree. It was while having chicken soup for lunch one day that she got a brilliant idea.

Overall Impression:

A sweet fairytale based in modern times. A must read!

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3.5 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4 / 5

Unputdownability: 4.5 / 5

Ending: 5 / 5

Final Rating: 4.4 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

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#3309856

Review of By Way Of An Angel

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I understand and appreciate the time and effort that would have gone into creating this item.

The title:

I couldn't find much relevance of this title to the story. You could think of 'The Evil Baron and the Young Boy.'

Brief description: :

Dorian loses his mother at an young age and has to struggle with an evil Baron to retrieve her body for the burial.

The characters:

There are too many characters and too many scenes for such a short piece which is confusing and jarring. You do succeed partly in bringing to life Dorian's grief, but the other characters really do not reach anywhere.

Kudos and Applause:

You begin well and do win the reader's sympathies for Dorian and his hapless mother.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

Look at this setnence: Sarah was not aware of what went on around her. The error here is a sudden shift to Sarah's POV.

There are too many characters and I really don't know what they do. What did the Bum achieve or for that matter Ian? Even if you remove these two your story will remain the same and you would release words to build on Dorian, his mother and the Baron.

I didn't understand the four guards outside the hut. Are they angels? Whay and how did they come? Too many questions are left unanswered.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Dorian, son of Ian and Sarah Pippin[;] laid in his straw bed in a loft his father built for him.Dorian, son of Ian and Sarah Pippin lay in his straw bed in a loft his father had built for him.

“Mother Mother!” “Mother[!] Mother!”

Shaking her, he got no reply and silence filled the hut. Dorian hit the floor as his sobs broke the silence in the room. He felt torn away from the world and alone in a world he did not understand. He shook her, but got no reply.Dorian collapsed to the floor as his sobs broke the silence of the room. He felt alone in a world he did not understand.

Why did his mother have to die[,] it was all the Barons fault. Why did his mother have to die[?] it was all the Barons fault.

came out of te Bum’s mouth came out of the Bum’s mouth

he was to unsteady to pick them uphe was too unsteady to pick them up

Dorian reach out his arms to balance the Bum, he coughed right in Dorian’s face. Dorian reached out his arms to balance the Bum who coughed right into his face.

How could he know he would be all right, but something, deep down, inside Dorian made him believe this old Bum?How could he know that he would be all right, but something, deep down, inside him made him believe this old Bum.

Poking his head out of the doorway to look at Dorian, the moonlight enhanced the devilish features of the Baron, Lucifer Beelzebub. Framed in the doorway of the hut was Baron Lucifer Beelzebub, the monnlight enhancing his devlish features.

Dorian screamed with rage[!] Dorian screamed with rage[.]

Boy your father stole those six bushels of corn form me Boy your father stole those six bushels of corn from me

Dorian kicked and punched trying to free himself from the boney talons of the Baron. The Baron had his collar pulled up around his neck so tight it was choking him. Dorian thought he was going to pass out. Dorian kicked and punched trying to free himself from the boney talons of the Baron which clutched his neck so tight that he feared he would choke and pass out.(I'm not too happy with the suggestion. This is just an idea as the way it currently is in your story is choppy.)

Overall Impression:

A sad story about a young boy who loses his mother. More work is required.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 3 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 2.5 / 5

Unputdownability: 2.5 / 5

Ending: 2.5 / 5

Final Rating: 2.7 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

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#3309605

Review of The Sidelines

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I understand and appreciate the time and effort that would have gone into creating this item.

The title:

It is dificult to suggest a title based on one small chapter, but as per your request I'll try and suggest something. What do you think of 'The Blundering Novelist?'

Brief description:

A schoolgirl who loves to write faces a disastrous day at her school where circumstances seemed to have conspired against her.

The characters:

Ellen comes across as a bumbling helpless schoolgirl. I don't know if that is what you want for her because it may not endear her to the readers.

Kudos and Applause:

You certainly thought of all situations which could go wrong in the school. You do have a vivid imagination, which is the hallmark of a great writer.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing:

This paragraph in your story needs some work: She'd completely missed her first period class, Pre-Algebra (not that she minded), and had to make up the work during her free study period, which she usually used to write the novel she was working on (and that she minded.). By the time she tumbled into her third period class, Biology, she had been squished by AV Jocks, tripped by the cheerleaders, reprimanded by her gym teacher for running in the halls, given a citation by the hall monitor for jogging, and detention for being in the halls at all after the late bell by the teacher whose class she had just accidentally barged into. Here you have narrated a lot of events in an uninteresting fashion. You should try and describe those incidents more to hold the reader's attention. In other words 'show more and tell less.' I would suggest you cut out the 'tripped by the cheerleader' part because she again trips outside the Biology class and repetitive acts will not achieve you anything more.

The 'shrouded, mysterious figure' has to be referred to once more for it to register in the reader's mind. This person will obviously play an important role in the later chapters and you would do well for him / her to register in the reader's mind.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

"Thank you, Miss Bosley, for deigning to bless us with your presence this fine afternoon[.]" the teacher, Mr. Reede called. "Thank you, Miss Bosley, for deigning to bless us with your presence this fine afternoon[,]" the teacher, Mr. Reede called. (Replace period with comma. There are several such instances in your story.)

principals principal's

Overall Impression:

A good beginning for a novel, but needs more work.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 3.5 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3.5 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4 / 5

Unputdownability: 4 / 5

Ending: 4 / 5

Final Rating: 3.8 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

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#3309375

Review of Strange Tree

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I understand and appreciate the time and effort that would have gone into creating this item.

The title :

The title is not interesting enough. You could try 'Strange Neighbor.'

Brief description:

A couple retires to a house in a quiet place, but they are unable to settle down to a comfortable life because of some mysterious incidents that occur.

The characters:

You do not do much of a character development. The issue is that if you want the reader to 'experience' your story, you need to focus on building your characters so that the reader can 'feel and touch' them. The trap that you have fallen into is creating so many characters in such a short piece which precludes you from doing justice to anyone of them.

Kudos and Applause:

Your story was interesting, though the end was weak.

I did feel eerie with the description of the old man outside their window in the middle of the night.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing:

In a horror story the setting is important. You should describe the house in some detail and create a picture in the readers' mind about its surroundings. This will make the 'horror' element much higher. You could also make them discover some things in the house which would make them feel restless. It could be paper cuttings of the theft or some pictures.

The story is in need of a thorough edit. I have pointed out some mistakes but by no means are they exhaustive.

You should use dialogues in your story. Consider this part of your story: She whispered that there was a knock on the window. He said she must have been in a dream. But when he listened carefully, there, on the window was really a knock. And it was becoming stronger and louder. Feeling cold, they both shook. Mrs. Wood was the first who spoke, getting calmer, she said it must have been the tree making that noise. Just before Mr. Wood tried to tell his wife he had cut down the branches and so it was impossible for them reach the window, she had already pulled back the curtains. Now consider the part below

"Someone knocked," she whispered, staring at the window.

"You must be dreaming, honey," he grumbled, but the next moment he sat up with a fright as thee knock became stronger and louder.

Both of them felt cold and scared.

"Maybe, it's the branches." she suggested.

It's impossible. I cut them today, he wanted to say, but his wife had already got down from the bed and pulled back the curtain.

The bedroom seems to be on the first storey. The old man would have to be floating in the air outside the house for them to be able to see him outside the window. This part has not been explained well and would add to the horror element.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

(c:red}However, at the middle of the night, his wife's prodding woke him. However, in the middle of the night, his wife's prodding woke him.

They looked each other, and before saying even a word, they heard a knock on the door. They looked at each other and before they even spoke a word, someone knocked on their door.

Overall Impression:

This is a horror story which definitely has potential.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 2.5/ 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3.5 / 5

Unputdownability: 4.5 / 5

Ending: 3 / 5

Final Rating: 3.6 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

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#3308851

Review of The Door

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. I mustered great courage to review a moderator and if I erred in any way, please feel free to admonish me as you would an errant child.

The title :

It's a simple title but a good hook. It did entice me to this piece because the name itself conjures up images of hidden secrets.

Brief description:

Three cousins visit their Grandma during their summer holidays and make a strange discovery.

The characters :

The eagerness and curiosity of kids was well portrayed. I could feel their excitement and sense their tension.

Kudos and Applause:

You use plenty of dialogues to move your story forward.

I was feeling restless to know what lay behind the Door. I could actually feel an eerie sensation when you described the guitar shaped white sack.

This sentence was so vivid: 'Jimmy knelt on the bed and awaited our discovery.'

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing:

It is difficult to believe that the kinds would not have heard at all of Uncle Bill(until much later as you mention in the end). His mother is obsessed with his memories and that makes it all the more improbable that she would not mention him more frequently. Also why would the parents of the kids be so cagey about Bill? I thought that Bill was a shady character and the parents didn't want their kids to known about him, but since the poor guy was a normal soul, I didn't see the point in concealing the truth about him.

The beginning of the story makes us believe that the children have been to their granny's house on previous occasions, but the way they ask about the door made it appear as of it was their first visit to her house.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

We could hardly wait for the morning so[,] long after the house was silent, we lay whispering about what we might find. We could hardly wait for the morning[,] so long after the house was silent, we lay whispering about what we might find.

Overall Impression:

A suspenseful story about the secrets of a closed door which a bunch of kids explore in their granny's house during their summer hols.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings):4.5 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4 / 5

Unputdownability: 4.5 / 5

Ending: 3 / 5

Final Rating: 4.1 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

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#3308353

Review of The Introductory Creative Writing Class

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I understand and appreciate the time and effort that would have gone into creating this item. I found your story on the "Please Review" [E]

The title :

It isn't a title which will entice your reader. I almost didn't read your story thinking that it was an article. You may consider "The Eager Student's Dreams.'

Brief description:

A lonely woman takes up creative writing classes because she is convinced about her talent.

The characters :

I thought you did a fair job with Hyacinth. She is unhappy about her life and looks for a window of hope which is what this writing class promised to be. You show her expectations well through well-placed responses. For example her annoyance when she remembers that she had left behind her best piece at home or when she cannot hide her disappointment when the teacher refused to read any of the stories written.

I was also impressed with Betty and I think she lived up to her celebrity status with elan. She skirted all uncomfortable questions, total freed herself from the burden of reading assignments and is prompt and smart with all her replies.

Kudos and Applause:

You used an unique theme.

I do not have much idea about the progress of Black Britishers versus African-Americans, but it certainly gave me some food for thought.

You make a good attempt to describe the atmosphere inside the classroom, how the people she wants to interact with ignore her, how the familiar faces don't want to talk to each other, the newcomer who sits next to Hyacinth and the woman who gets worried because she hasn't brought paper to write upon.

The way Hyacinth looks around the class and concludes that she is one of the more accomplished students of the class is a mart articulation of normal human tendency.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing:

There were certain things which were quite unnecessary in your story. One was the scene where she goes shopping. The other was the guy making an election pitch. I would seriously suggest that you cut them out. Your story becomes concise and sharp instead of meandering the way it currently is. These incidents actually takes the reader's focus away from the main issues, which are Hyacinth's dreams.

Give us some conversation between the students before Betty arrives. It would be a nice way to know about contemporary issues facing the black community of UK today.

Was the car skidding in the end a metaphor? I missed it.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Besides the small typo below, I found nothing glaring.

she rashly deducted that only a handful had a real reason to be there. she rashly deduced that only a handful had a real reason to be there.

Overall Impression :

An interesting story about an aspiring writer's desire to break free from the shackles of her monotonous existence.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4 / 5

Unputdownability: 3 / 5

Ending: 3 / 5

Final Rating: 3.6 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

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294

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#3307652

Review of Blood Red Rose

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I understand and appreciate the time and effort that would have gone into creating this item.

The title :

It isn't an interesting title. You could consider 'The Monster's Missing Heart.'

Brief description:

A bloodthirsty monster is smitten by a woman of the human race.

The characters :

You do give a lot of description of the two characters, but it is more 'telling' and less 'showing.'

Kudos and Applause:

It was an unique idea to pierce the monster's heart with the steam of a rose.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing:

Your story was like a descriptive monologue. You tell most of it and show very little. I couldn't see Rose's beauty nor could I feel the monster's passion for her. Just by repeating several times that 'She is beautiful' or 'I love her' doesn't help the reader to experience their passion or admire her loveliness. The idea is not to write a doctoral thesis on her beauty

but to seduce the reader with bits and pieces and leave the rest to her imagination. You could see how the tendrils of her golden tresses scattered over her eyes or how her porcelain skin was so delicate that he was afraid to touch lest she wither away or how when she smiles her pearly white teeth lights up the world...

There was some confusion on the identity of the monster. Is he a vampire or some other macabre creature of the night? The ending was melodramatic and not so effective.

This part was unbelievable: She stiffened slightly, but did not turn. “It is a beautiful night, is it not?” Her voice was different than I expected; lower, but undeniably feminine. I found it nearly as heady as her scent. How can a woman be so unconcerned when she feels a presence behind her? Is she a modern day version of Joan of Arc?

The whole initial setting is unreal. A gentleman walks in on a pretty woman who is admiring roses in the night in the midst of a forest.

You say she is betrothed. There was no need as this plays no role in your story and you do not even mention a breakup. It is conveniently forgotten and there is no mention later on of this hapless individual in your story.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

I was dressed, as ever, in the guise of a gentlemen, and it was as a gentlemen that I greeted her. Dressed in the guise of a gentleman I greeted her as one. (You'll notice that the suggested sentence is concise, but conveys the same meaning. Meaningless wordiness attains little and your story does suffer from this.Also typo on gentlemen as you use the plural)

Despite my deep reaction to her, my poise never slipped. My poise never slipped even in the face of her immense pulchritude. (I thought your sentence structuring was contrived. There are many such examples in your story)

Overall Impression :

An attempt at a love story between a human woman and a creature of the night. Needs work.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 3 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 2.5/ 5

Unputdownability: 3 / 5

Ending: 2.5 / 5

Final Rating: 2.8 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

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14 days may be credited.

#3306986

Review of The Shifting Sand

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. I mustered a lot of courage to review a Moderator. If I err, feel free to admonish me as you would an errant child.

The title :

It is an appropriate title, but not catcgy enough. You could consider 'The Glass Cage' or the 'The Prisoner of Glass.'

Brief description:

A science fiction story based on certain occurences on a moon of Saturn.

The characters :

Jack, the Spacer is the only character in this story and the entire narration is from his own POV. We have no characterization and the story is a mere desciption of some happenings.

Kudos and Applause:

The idea of getting sucked in a whirlpool of sand and getting encased in glass is unique.I've never read anything liken that before. I liked the description when the ship sinks into the sand and then emerges inside a glass cage.

The moon's atmosphere containing oxygen was also a surprise.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The whole thing is like reading a single drowning scene which made it for me a dry read. I could not feel being in space and on a moon of Saturn. For all that I know this story could well have been set in the Sahara desert. Probably, before crashing you could take us on a joy ride where we get to see some fascinating glimpses of space and other planets.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

The flow is not smooth. You start with Jack trapped in the whirlpool and suddenly shift to a flashback. The transition is not clear. I suggest the use of some form of separation using asterisk or more space to distinguish the two periods. Other then this no other anomaly noted.

Overall Impression :

An interesting theme involving space, sand whirlpools and moons of Saturn, but greater imagery is called for.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 3.5 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism:3.5 / 5

Unputdownability: 3.5 / 5

Ending:4.5 / 5

Final Rating: 3.8 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

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296

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14 days may be credited.

#3306530

Review of Venom's Kiss

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. Being a fellow writer myself, I appreciate the time and effort that would have gone into creating this item.

The title :

Long titles can work at times, but it helps to have your titles catchy and concise. For your story you may consider ‘The Kiss of Venom.’

Brief description:

A man is bitten by a venomous spider.

The characters :

There is hardly any characterization.

Kudos and Applause:

Graphic description of the effects of the bite.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The style of the story is incorrect. It is narrated in the first person and the narrator dies. How then did he write the story? This is a fairly common mistake among writers. If you want the protagonist to die, you should write in the third person.

A black widow’s venom is lethal, but the quantity it injects when it bites is insignificant to kill a human. This is another myth, which makes your story scientifically incorrect. The bite can lead to nausea and temporary illness, but nothing more.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

The chilling feeling of the monsters The chilling feel of the monsters (Feeling is also correct but sounds odd as it rhymes with chilling)

while a single black widow made it's way up my right arm while a black widow made its way up my right arm

looking for a vein to puncture with it's deadly fangs, dripping with venom. looking for a vein to puncture with its venomous fangs.

If only I were so lucky If only I was so lucky

Overall Impression :

A story of a macabre death.
.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 2.5 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3/ 5

Unputdownability: 3 / 5

Ending: 2.5 / 5

Final Rating: 2.8 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

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297

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14 days may be credited.

#3305469

Review of The Sound of Consequences

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. Being a fellow writer myself, I appreciate the time and effort that would have gone into creating this item.

The title :

It's a catchy title for sure, but I couldn't figure out its relevance to the story. The links appear tenuous. You could think of ‘The Deaf who Heard’ or the ‘The Curse of Sound.’

Brief description:

A deaf man turns berserk with his new found gift of hearing and meets with disastrous consequences.

The characters :

All characters were well done, but I thought the bit about Ricky’s father was not necessary.

Kudos and Applause:

An innovative plot.

I found two outstanding examples of detailing or you could say ‘showing’ versus ‘telling’. One was the description of the events when the intruder breaks into the house. The second one was when Ricky went berserk.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The ending was abrupt. I’m not sure, but perhaps you hit the ceiling of word limit. I think you could omit the encounter with the intruder at the station and the hunting incident. For me, that part didn't add to the story and could free up valuable space for your story.

I have an issue with believability. I do not have any experience of the deaf and their interpretation of sign language, but when Sebastian narrates his discovery and Wendy translates using sign language, Ricky understands everything. I read this portion again and thought it was a bit complex to explain by sign language. However, I’d stress that I’ve no experience of such people and I’ll not allow this observation to influence my rating.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

{c:}any god could do about it. any God could do about it.

She would never say so, but he knew he wasn’t good enough, not whole enough. He wasn’t cut out for college, either. His grades were low; he lost his funding, and had to move off campus. She let him move into her apartment, out of pity. Now he hid his feelings and accepted her friendship along with everything else he couldn’t change. In that spirit, he mustered a smile and signed, “I’m sure I’ll like him (The issue here is head-hopping. The POV shifts from Ricky to Wendy and back to Ricky again within a few sentences.)

A pungent, metallic smell hit him in the face when he spun and met the rifle’s smoking barrel, and his father’s anger. (Here it reads that Ricky spun, but for him to meet the rifle’s smoking barrel, his father will have to spin toward him)

Damn IT! Damn it!

Sebatian shifted to the edge of the couch. Sebastian shifted to the edge of the couch.

Overall Impression :

A thrilling story about a deaf man whose hearing is restored by a miracle.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4.5 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3.5 / 5

Unputdownability: 4.5 / 5

Ending: 3.5 / 5

Final Rating: 4.1 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

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298

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14 days may be credited.

#3304470

Review of Broken Bird

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. Being a fellow writer myself, I appreciate the time and effort that would have gone into creating this item.

The title :

I didn't find the title appropriate. It actually confused me. I was also not convinced about the genre in which you classified this story. This tale read macabre and ghastly.

Brief description:

A young woman’s will is broken by her community and she is forced to sacrifice her dreams and ideals.

The characters :

The story dwells a lot on the protagonists pain and suffering and does little to explain her stance and ideals. I would definitely wish to know more about her.

Kudos and Applause:

You have a gift with words and your writing paints vivid imagery through your dynamic use of the language.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I'm not sure that you had any word constraints here but you do not do sufficient enough to clarify the background of the story. What are the ideals the heroine was fighting for? What are the corrupt influences which are community wants to foster?

The story does not have any positive message for its readers. It impacts the mind but only negatively.

There is a certain obsession to create esoteric and complex images. Are you trying to challenge the reader's understand and intellect? It is like some piece of abstract painting which the viewers don’t understand and because they don’t, they think it is a masterpiece. You have a rare gift and I think your stories would do better to be simple and lucid rather than an exercise in mental gymnastics.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling

Nothing spotted.

Overall Impression :

A sad story of a woman who stands up forher ideals but eventually succumbs to the will of the majority.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 3 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3 / 5

Unputdownability: 3 / 5

Ending: 3 / 5

Final Rating: 3.4 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

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299

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14 days may be credited.

#3303802

Review of Martha's Last Day

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I appreciate the time and effort that would have gone into creating this item.

The title :

I liked your title, though it is straight and simple. At first, I was confused that maybe she dies. Then I read the brief description and the context cleared.

Brief description:

Martha has been sacked from office. On her way home she meets someone unexpected.

The characters :

I liked Martha's characterization, especially the way she refuses to read the signals of her looming dismissal. Joe was uncertain and confusing. I also wasn't clear about what went wrong in their relationship.

Kudos and Applause:

You have chosen a relevant topic in these days of recession. It is something which threatens all of us.

I could feel Martha’s frustration and misery. Clearly, she loves the company she worked for and had been employed with them for a long time. It makes her situation all the more heart rending.

The coffee mug though not necessary was a nice touch and added to the realism of the situation.

I like the implicit meaning behind the word ‘power.’

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The scene at the bus stop was unbelievable. Why would Martha miss her bus for someone with whom she has such an unpleasant history?
The conversations in the coffee shop didn't hold my attention much and they fell slightly short of believability. Also, I thought Joe was rude when he wants to leave midway when the waitress is about to serve the coffee.

In the last line you introduce more new characters. Bill and the kids? It's confusing.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

There’s a lot of head hopping in the coffee shop. Such rapid changes of POV makes the story a jarring read. Consider the following examples.
She thought she could read his mind right then. He didn’t want a rehash of their failed marriage, but neither did she.

Joe sat back down, looking at her for a long time in silence. (Just a couple of sentences after this you have the following)

Sooner or later, I will be, she thought, and she walked out the door into the cold

Overall Impression :

A story about retrenchment and a failed marriage, both very relevant topics our time.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 3.5 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4.5 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4 / 5

Unputdownability: 3 / 5

Ending: 4.5 / 5

Final Rating: 3.9 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards.

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

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300

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14 days may be credited.

#3300529

Review of A New Dawn

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. Being a fellow writer myself, I appreciate the time and effort that would have gone into creating this item.

The title :

Good title.

Brief description:

A young woman walks the dark alleys of London paranoid about a secret enemy who finally catches up with her. What happens next?

The characters :

There are too many characters for such a short work which confused me. We have the Solomon, Simmons, Jonathan and of course the heroine and her lover. I am somewhat disappointed with the character development.

Kudos and Applause:

I liked your idea. It's innovative and exciting.'

An interesting reference to the special gifts of the unborn child.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

As I have mentioned above, you should not try to dwell upon so many characters in such a short piece. I'm quite confused about their identities except for Solomon and his henchman.

You've to delineate clearly the fantasy elements in your story to make it sound real. Yes, even fantasy can read believable.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

My heart pounding with my fear, finding it’s own rhythm. My heart began to pound with fear and it continued to beat fast for the rest of the night. (Couple of mistakes here. First it should be íts'and not ít's., if you stick to your version. Second is 'finding its own rhythm' is a positive dialogue which is a misfit in the context of this story. Third, no need to say 'my` fear.

I sheltered in a doorway, slowing my breath, steadying my shaking legs. I sheltered in a doorway, slowed my breath and steadied my shaking legs.

I began to become aware of inevitable danger. I smelled inevitable danger. ( Since she is a lady with special powers, the word `smelt' would enhance the appeal of this sentence.)

Overall Impression :

An exciting story with an original idea.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings):3.5 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3.5 / 5

Unputdownability: 4 / 5

Ending:4.5 / 5

Final Rating: 4 / 5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards
Moriarty

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