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484 Public Reviews Given
501 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
If you're really desperate for a review, feel free to email me. Just don't expect a very quick turnaround. NB: I'm happy to review novels. I tend to review from the point of view of a reader rather than an editor. I 'nitpick' on anything that interrupts my reading flow. If you want me to go all out with nitpicking in general, ask me to do a line-by-line. Quite happy to do so - as a copied static or email.
I'm good at...
Getting into the story from the reader's perspective.
Favorite Genres
M/M, romance, horror, western
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Hi LightinMind Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Great opening line, and the rest of the paragraph clearly explains what we are seeing there. Fabulousness! And then we suddenly get the mention that Annie was way better, and that says a lot before we even get better introduced to her. I liked that, at the end of the two paragraphs describing her, we get she had learned…, telling us that this wasn’t just some magic of birth. There was work and lessons learned behind how she stood and acted now.

Next minute – what the heck, screaming? We were suddenly thrown into a ‘shit, what’s happening?’ mode, and I couldn’t read fast enough to try to find out. And yet, I also felt like Annie – rooted to the spot. I’ve often wondered how I’d been in such a situation and I still can’t figure it out. I hope I never have to! (TBH, we should have known something was coming with Platform 13!!

It is easy to imagine Annie being insulted by her father’s words about beauty fading. It’s such a classic thing, right, how everyone falls for beauty and then shuns that person or thing when it’s no longer beautiful. Of course, beauty is also in the eye of the beholder… but that gets pushed aside. It would certainly be true that a person who was defined by their beauty, and used it as a suit of armour, would suffer if that beauty was gone. For Annie, it’s two-fold—she has to live with the attack, the memories of the attack, and the actual wound. She’s gotten so used to her beauty, it’s hard to get past the scar. The ‘ugly’ that she sees plagues her mind and she is self-conscious and this ends up weakening her foundations, which leads to the second thing—growing failures at work. It doesn’t seem like anyone is actually bothered by the scar (mostly) but they are reacting her because she is failing herself. And, of course, the more she doubts whether anyone believed in her or if it was all just her beauty makes everything worse.

It’s a downward spiral, and heartbreaking because Annie can see it. She just doesn’t know how to sort it out, how to fight. I liked that she still has the sense to approach her father though, that she wanted to fight. That’s strong (and gives the reader hope that things will start being okay).

The conversation between father and daughter is great. He knows how to pull his punches but still get the truth across (a truth he tried to tell Annie a long time ago) – beauty is skin deep, strength is within. His analogy of the story is perfect, and it’s true. We write our own stories, we own them. We don’t need ghost writers or fanfic writers.

It’s nice to see their relationship strengthen (while getting a little bit of a view of what was probably a difficult divorce). I feel like her father has had to take a backseat for ages, hurting from the sidelines, but still backing her and ready to do it openly when she finally returned to him. I liked how they could be serious but also still joke about the scar. Pirate queen indeed!!

We leave Annie in a much better space, her most difficult journey coming to an end and hope a new (hard but exciting) one about to begin. The destination reached in terms of her relationship with her father is settling into comfort, and she has the whole horizon to head for now. I, for one, would love to see a sequel – honestly, I’d like to see her in a rival company to the one that ‘restructure’ her, kicking ass against her former boss and workmates!


Things to Work On
I did feel like the M-dash started to take centre stage where maybe a semi-colon could have worked better, but that’s just one reader’s opinion.

The only real thing that made me go ‘huh?’ was … tilted her chin just slightly—just enough.. I don’t think ‘just enough’ was needed at all, but it also didn’t quite make sense. Just enough for what?


Closing Comments
A tough physical and mental journey brought about by an out-of-the-blue event. It makes you think about living life to the full every day because you don’t know what tomorrow (or even the next hour) will be like. We ought to take stock of our lives and how we live them (work, play, love) and not take things for granted.

It was heartwarming to see Annie go from an ice queen to broken to getting stronger, (re)learning about herself along the way and accepting she is the writer of her own story. In a beautiful, hugging red sheath dress with her blonde hair back in a pony tail and her chin tilted slightly to show off (rather than hide) a scar over her cheek, I feel that Annie would be fierce!


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of The last walk  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Hi Sumojo Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Ah well, the opening paragraph told me all I needed to know when reading this story. I was going to cry. I did; I’m not good with animals in pain but I also have a soon-to-be-seventeen cat who I’ve had since she was three months old. She is well but obviously starting to have the ‘old’ issues. She may live til she’s twenty but I’ll be doing the hard yards dreading that time. It is the most difficult walk to path for a pet owner, so I feel you nailed the prompt rather well.

Obviously aside from my own emotional connection I thought you portrayed the hope and grief really well, with Dorothy being strong for her soon and trying to ensure he remembered the good times while still ensuring that they both knew Benjie was still alive. That may sound a bit odd but I think when the time is near, we can slip into a black-hole. Acknowledging that death is coming must be done but it’s as Dorothy says – make the most of the time you have before then. I’ve imagined Nerys passing (she had some big troubles last year) and it guts me every time, and it’s a hard cycle to break. So, I must remember to take Dorothy’s advice too (and maybe not be so crabby when she throws up grass on the carpet!!)

It was comforting to see that they had a decent couple of seasons still together and got out and did the things they could, and remembered good times. Good to have it shown that Benjie himself, while slowing down, was not giving up.

I liked the smattering of location descriptions. When I’ve travelled to Oz I’ve mostly been on the East side (my sister is in Melbourne) but I had an aunt and uncle who lived in Perth on the West and loved it. I can imagine how important rain is and I liked the idea of the bush breathing again with that life-giving water. It is a cycle of life that you’re writing here, in many forms. (I looked up the Donkey Orchid; that is too cute!!!)

They do say that animals will tell you when it’s their time, though some will just wander off and pass away on their own. I liked that Dorothy got the sense of Benjie’s time coming to a close and took the opportunity to make it a nice time for everyone. Even Benjie perked up in sections – renewing his acquaintance with the bush and showing his tendencies to find possums. Even though Sam’s only young, he is also attuned into what Benjie is about on this final walk – that final destination which obviously created a memory in the dog’s mind as well as the boy’s.

I liked how Dorothy immediately goes into soothing mode although it’s distressing that she has faced this before when her husband died. She originally feels for her son losing a dog and a friend he’s known his whole life but you can see how much she needed Benjie too. I think she would have sat there on the rock with Benjie had her son not spoken up, and it was comforting to see her give into her son’s wish to reach the den he’d made.

Overall, it was a really nice and peaceful ending and Benjie would know he was loved and surrounded with people he loved. It must have been hard for Dorothy and Sam to wait but also peaceful for them too – just being there, and being surrounded in beautiful bush. Just as your final sentence states. It was good conclusion to the story.


Things I Noticed
I really only found one thing that I thought needed something. A comma between ‘something’ and ‘old’ in the sentence “Smell something old boy?...

Nothing else stood out to disrupt my flow; just my tears.


Closing Comments
Obviously I found this story had great connection to the contest’s prompt but was also just fine in its own right. I feel there might have been personal experience in here and I know I read it with personal experience (past and future). It clearly showed the difficulty of losing a pet but also had physical difficult – Benjie’s own physical slowing down and Dorothy and Sam carrying him. Benjie sounds like a dog who’d weigh a good 20 kilos if not more; that’s a weight for a twelve-year-old kid, for sure. The ‘beautiful destinations’ show in the bush itself but also in the fact that Benjie’s passing was peaceful and he had his people with him.


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Broken Melody  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi Fyntex Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
The opening paragraph of this short story made me think we were going to get a horror tale here, a thought that went slightly awry with the last word – *green*croon – since I wouldn’t normally link that with horror (like I do ‘screetch’). And I guess this is a sort of horror story, since it tells of a singer struggling to sing. Two kinds of horror story really – since the narrator and neighbours have to deal with the constant struggle too!

Since this is all about Clarion being unable to hit a certain pitch, I think it would have been good to know just what that pitch was. I’m presuming one that most of us can’t get to, but clarification would have been good. We know why she wants to get there – to join the international clique – but it would be good to know just how far off she was from that pitch (it would give strength to her struggles). It would give depth to the difficult road she is on.

The sudden activity in the house felt like a vigorous spring clean, throwing open the doors and windows, cleaning everything, bringing in fresh groceries; it was also a bit of a metaphor for Clarion’s ‘rebirth’ as the competent singer that she obviously is. (Though, I’d have been like the narrator in thinking there might be a new owner *Smile* )

I liked that we got a good outcome here – for Clarion, herself, and for everyone else’s ears, and the last lines are interesting as the narrator wonders just how it came about. Given the length of time, though, we can certainly say the struggle was real. (I would love to have seen the true ending of the story being Clarion getting into that clique she wanted.)


Things to Work On
No so much something to work on, but something to remember for your future stories and items—make use of the genres to sell your work (because items are searchable by these things). At the bottom of your item, when you’re saving (or editing) there’s a bunch of things you can do – one of which is to add in up to three genres. The first one you pick also shows up in the header beside the rating and item type. There’s many that you could have picked for this story (including, I believe, music) that can help ‘explain’ what the story is about. Another good one to use – for contest entries is…. Contest Entry. It may seem boring, but it helps explain to the reader why there might be certain limitations (such as word count).

… was rarely heard, it times it was… – is the first ‘it’ supposed to be ‘sometimes’?

… singer in our locality… – just need an ‘s’ on the end of ‘singer’ as this should be plural.

… without a whim… – ‘without’ here should really be ‘on’. Things are done ‘on a whim’. Though… you could also delete these three words because there is a reason she is changing her trainers and usually a ‘whim’ is something done without that much reason.

… hurling… – do you mean ‘hauling’ here? As in, the kitchen staff were bringing in groceries? Hurling, to me, sounds like they’re just tossing groceries into the kitchen.


Closing Comments
Perseverance is the theme to this story, showing that you can have a good outcome if you’re putting in the work to get there (though, as the logline also points out – you have to pay for those outcomes).


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi WriterRick Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
A homecoming is always difficult. Throw in a broken promise, a balls-up in communication, and pride, and the stage is definitely set for something opposite to ‘fun in the park’!

I suspect that when Caleb sees that some things haven’t changed in this town and that other things have gotten worse, he doesn’t really regret his original decision to leave. He was following his dream, for sure, but he probably also wanted out of a town that he could not easily see a future in. Returning would have felt bitter sweet. I feel like he didn’t even return for his mother’s funeral—that alone would make other people thing about him negatively.

No wonder that curtains are twitching across the road; there would be only curiosity to see lights on in the abandoned house and one Caleb Danner sitting on the porch. He mentions the road back hadn’t been smooth but we don’t see this ‘road back’ at all. We only know he’s not famous and certainly hasn’t ‘made it’. To be honest, we don’t really know why he’s come back. He does not mention that he’s come back because he still loves Melody or because he needs to apologise or because he’s run out of money and the house his dad left him is all he has. The road ahead is certainly going to be difficult though.

Melody’s bitter and we can’t deny she has the right to feel that. In some readings, I thought her response was too prickly/sarcastic and in some I thought she had total right to be that way. Caleb needed to know that he’d stuffed up. But I like how we can see her softening. She still has feelings for this nitwit and the whole issue was that lack of communication and, on Caleb’s part, perhaps a lack of understanding of how strong Melody’s feelings were.

Near the end of their first conversation in some time, Caleb is finally honest. He doesn’t know what his future is but he’s going to do what he can. I like how he realises he not just going to waltz back into a relationship and “Coffee sometime?” is a good baby step. I like more how Melody sticks to her guns about making him work for it with her “Try again tomorrow.”. Steady but hopeful.

In the second half of the story we see Caleb doing his best work. He understands what he has to do to rebuild the bridge he broke and that it will take time. Show up consistently, do small things, talk without promising anything. He has to heal himself, the relationship, and Melody, and it must have been a relief to see her smiling like she used to. (You know, I do wonder what the rest of the townsfolk are like. I bet they’ve all been in to talk to Melody about him! I’d love to see this story written again from her POV.)

I liked that this story wasn’t about a ‘new’ destination but a return to a destination that he’d once turned his back on. Forging new paths is hard, reforging a broken path is probably harder. At least Caleb has realised this was what he wanted and knew that he had to put in the hard work to do so. Was nice to end with the fact that speaking Melody’s name is no longer a splinter.

Great descriptions abound – his love interest’s name sounding like a splinter, a flower pot spilling dirt like a broken hourglass (that is particularly visual).


Things I Noticed
There wasn’t much that interrupted my reading flow or upset me in terms of errors, but I do have a few comments.

… she’d stopped answering – answering what? In the paragraph there is no indication that Caleb’s actually kept in touch to enable her to answer anything. And she says later that he didn’t even call when her mom had died. I think make it clear that he stopped calling, writing, message Melody otherwise, to be honest, her prickly response to him when he shows up in her shop seems just a little too off.

Two hours later… – coming straight after the paragraph where Caleb turned away and walked I really thought this was the length of time it took him to walk to his parents’ old house! It wasn’t until the lights were flicking on in the house opposite that I realised he hadn’t just walked miles out of town… Obviously Caleb had just been walking aimlessly around until he finally made his way to the house. I think this might have led in slightly clearer with just ‘Later’ rather than the duration.


Closing Comments
This was heartwarming – understanding and accepting one’s faults as well as understanding how they affect others and working through everything to a decent outcome, a way to fix what was once broken. I think Caleb grew more in the months that he’d been home again than in all the years he was away, and I appreciate that Melody didn’t just fall in his arms upon seeing him but made sure she was a fully fledged person in the situation. They’re working toward a mutual give/take relationship and the future is bright.


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of Paradise Awaits?  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hi PureSciFiPlus Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This story takes the prompt literally – a family taking a trip on an unfamiliar and physically difficult road to a destination. Having driven on gravel roads in ‘backcountry’ I can fully understand the bumps and twists and turns, the flinch when something rolls under or against the car. All the more nerve-wracking when you have a steep drop on one side and nagging kids in the backseat!

Vivian is on form – constantly nagging and repeating words, and I totally felt her embarrassment when her mother completely seriously contradicts Harold about being of age to have kids. I didn’t honestly get why she couldn’t have just agreed; there was no real reason to abruptly get all physiologically truthful. She ends the story by refuting the quote prompt – it may just be the comment of a thirteen-year-old girl but it does show that everyone sees things is a very different way!

I would like to have read more about the destination, rather that just getting that word every few sentences. What’s so wonderful about it? You know, Vivian is probably dead correct that the long way around would have had them reach the destination already! And I’m with her – it must be a paradise if the road’s anything to go by *Smile*

The banter is pretty funny between the kids and between them and their parents, and I’ve a feeling many a parent would be nodding along to Harold’s threat to drop Vivian out the door so she can walk home.

I’m not sure why I get that Tracy is complaining about the trip being one problem after another and then, almost in the same breath, saying they’ve been to six wonderful cities and that the kids have learned so much. The only problem seems to be they don’t have the rental car they thought they would and that Harold took a road he probably shouldn’t have.

On that same note, the worry about the gas is odd. They clearly state they have enough gas to the destination so it shouldn’t worry them so much. And if the city is as Harold says then I’d think it would have a plethora of gas stations so filling up shouldn’t be an issue either. It leads to talking about the city and whether it’s living in the past or the present, and what might constitute ‘paradise’ in terms of a city. I’m presuming Tracy thinks the past is as if they wouldn’t have gas stations???? That would seem just a little bit weird. I didn’t think this story was set in any land other than Earth and in the present. Though… at the end I get a little of what is meant – it’s like an ancient city (I imagine an old Roman town) surrounded by a more modern town. I think to forestall reader puzzlement, more descriptions of the destination could have been used earlier in the story.


Things to Work On
Watch how many times you repeat certain phrases. They can get annoying to the reader and they cost you valuable word count. Some of those that jarred here are: this road, this/their rental car, next destination, extra gas. Grab some different words or reword the sentence so that the repetitions aren’t needed at all.

I also feel like you name the characters too much. For example, Tracy looks back at Vivian and Gregory. Since we’ve just had the kids named in the previous paragraph, this one would have been cleaner as something like Tracy looks back at the kids. And Gregory could look at his sister as she’s putting the rope around herself.

A third of the story is about running out of gas, and I feel that it made you run out of word count. There is a lot that could be chopped out to give you more space to continue describing the difficult driving and then also the paradise that they look down upon near the end. And since Harold has already stated that there’s enough gas to make it to the city, no one needs to keep asking if they’ve got enough gas to make it to the city.

Looking angrily… – ‘angry’ is the word here because it describes Vivian rather than how she is looking about.

… just you,” says Vivian… – this is Harold speaking, not Vivian.


Closing Comments
A literal take on the prompt, brought to its knees by a teenager refuting that the destination is a paradise (that was a pretty cool ending). There are certainly big chunks that were repetitive and the structure was confusing in some places (ie where you’ve got a new paragraph even though the speaker is the same as the one before), but I thought it was a good nod to the prompt and the witty banter between the parents and the kids was entertaining.


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi Kaytings Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
When a story starts with opening lines that includes grief and death, you know you’re in for a difficult journey as a reader. And so we align ourselves with Chisomo who has had his world ripped away from him.

Instead of staying in the village he makes the decision to leave, to go to Ncheleni where, I think, he’s hoping a new world will open for him. And it will, if he makes it.

His journey to the school is nothing but heroic. I can imagine the battle he has with himself, when doubt found him, about returning to the home that’s no longer his but is known verses continuing on a very tough journey to something he might never find. It is no surprise that he dreamed of his mother; their relationship was obviously very, very strong. And Chisomo’s strong to keep to his plan of finding Ncheleni.

While his mother seems to have been telling him to stop in the first instance of his doubt, she, by way of that memory of pounding cassava, shores up his resolution to keep going after the second moment during the storm. Thunder cracked like ancestral fury is such a vivid description and with the earth shifting, it’s no wonder Chisomo had the stronger moment of feeling like stopping.

The story turns when he finally makes it to Ncheleni, and the relief that he felt must have been enormous. His welcome is open-armed and he’s drawn in immediately, no questions ever asked. I feel that the teachers and workers there already know their stories and know that it doesn’t do too much good to dwell on them. The children that come to Ncheleni come for the future, not for the past.

You must build the body before you rebuild the mind. – this is so telling. It’s obvious that the physical journey Chisomo has taken has wrought damage to his body but I suspect everyone at Ncheleni knows that it also hurt his mind. Building up strong ramparts and walls protects those things living behind them – organs, consciousness etc. Becoming strong physically would certainly help bolster your mind again.

Chisomo talks about these physical and mental difficulties when sitting with Tiyamike; he understands this kid doesn’t need ‘it’ll get better’ kinds of words; he explains how he got through that trek himself, how he could keep going. He’s totally right too – we often keep things because of their meaning and that meaning, those memories, keep us going. Sometimes it’s because of fear, sometimes it’s hope.

This story ends on a calm, solid note and we know that Chisomo is going to be okay as he tackles his new future.


Things to Work On
Nothing really, but there is a sentence that made me stop. In the third paragraph, you have men muttering He was a good boy. She raised him well.. The ‘was’ seems odd here, and makes it read like it’s Chisomo who has died. I think it might be better to us ‘is’.


Closing Comments
A good, strong story showing a good attachment to the prompt. Chisomo’s journey, while being hugely emotional and psychological, is also very physical. He has to leave his home and there’s nothing he can do but walk – and that’s physically difficult in such terrain with only himself for company. His mental journey is just as tough but he is able to acknowledge the cracks in himself and work to repair them (or forgive them) as he builds his new life. I’d like to think he’d end up actually working at Ncheleni; he seems the kind of young man who would be a great mentor for the new arrivals.


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of The Road to Ali  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi Kåre เลียม Enga Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Once again, I am amazed at how evocative your writing is and how otherworldly. You easily paint a world that is so much more than just people living in spaces. We have humour and sadness and the very real sense that time is just a big wheel grinding its path and never ending.

I liked Ali being quite down to earth in everything she says whether she’s being light-hearted or serious, and I enjoyed the little jab at the narrator over their own past life. On that, though, the past life – it never went anywhere else. Yes, the narrator doesn’t remember but I’d like to have seen them questioning more about it or thinking more about things.

The ending was sweet, though a niggly part of me thought that was a heck of a lot of scribing onto concrete for a ‘just about dead’ person. Impressive! It would have been interesting to have this story told from Ali’s point of view; with her memories, she must carry a weight of those memories of others even if she isn’t seemingly affected herself. (I’ll look forward to reading that….. *Smile* )

True thing though – zucchinis will overrun the world if you don’t keep an eye on them!


Things to Work On
Nothing structural to worry about but as I was reading this for the contest, I did have some trouble recalling that you were writing to/inspired by a prompt. At the end, we do see the narrator with an illness but we never really got enough about the narrator to even know their age (I mean, was the withering just age?) and lifestyle. They had the usual knocks we clumsy humans have (I, too, have a scar through my brow (not a door, though)) but there’s nothing really about life being hard or difficult. There’s almost a thousand words you could have used to convey a little more connectiveness with the prompt.


Closing Comments
I have read many of your short stories over the years for various contests and they are all amazingly vivid and mind-blowing in making us remember the world and the universe are huge and old. We live a long time but even that’s just a tiny speck in the overarching scheme. Imagine being someone like Ali who has seen it and lived it and passed by it. To be able to walk lightly with that is an achievement!

I do feel this could be one of many shorts about Ali (I can imagine her sitting for the narrator back in Egypt, sighing gently at how her hair is depicted and how the narrator is fussing but just can’t get it right).


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Hi THANKFUL SONALI Magical Days! Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Parent/teacher meetings are always fraught, but I can imagine that student/teacher meetings to talk about what you want to be when you grow up can also be fraught. Certainly if you’d not really thought about it, certainly if what you’re interested in has scored badly on a test that purports to show you the way, and most certainly if what you’d like to do does not match what your parents would like you to do! I work at a university and I hear stories from my colleagues about students only taking this or that subject (Law mostly) because their parents want them to. Often they’re miserable and they get awful grades.

It’s all a lot harder when the parent is a teacher! This poor narrator, probably looking forward to some discussions only to have things turned on its head when her mother shows up and pretty much goes against every rule set down for the meetings. The secret cheering on for the counsellor was great but I note that the student did not contradict her mother at all. The simple line about 24 years makes it quite clear that this child was never able to stand up to her mother, before or after. (Though… we do have the whole ‘I’m going to wallow in my misery just to make you feel worse’ moment…. It could be said, then, a difficult path partially made by one’s self!!! I’m sure we’ve all done this too without realising that being a martyr only hurts ourselves.)

We totally don’t get any of the mother’s motivation for pushing her daughter into a commerce focus, or even into the copywriting role, so it would have been interesting to know about that. I mean, I guess most parents think commerce pays better than the arts.

The second half of the story shows how the difficulties from the first half are not always permanent. It’s interesting that the character feels that how they have been teaching as a librarian would have been different from how they might have taught had they started in literature in the first place. I don’t think that’s something that could be quantified because it’s a path that never happened, but it might just be true that becoming a librarian wouldn’t have happened. The outcome is that the narrator’s had a wonderfully fulfilling destination career, and I suspect it’s even sweeter because of the earlier difficulties.


Things That Caught Me Out
The opening sentence puzzled me. Each part of it is neat as a starter, but together they felt contradictory. It must’ve started verses I think the start was; ‘must’ verses ‘think’ just doesn’t gel. In my opinion, I’d begin this story with the latter. It gives us the narrator and her personal thoughts as well as a timeframe and it flows very nicely into the second sentence, which answers what is ‘starting’ – life, basically!


Closing Comments
I’d like to have seen the reasoning behind the mother being so pushy, and her response to her daughter taking on the librarian role. Even though the narrator took a long time to forgive her mother for forcing that path back then, I feel like she might have owed her some thanks for doing so. She got life experience and doors opened up at opportune times, and, as she says, she was able to go about the librarian role her own way. That way was made easier by those earlier difficult paths – older, wiser, stronger, more faith in herself etc etc *Smile*


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

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9
9
Review of Throwing Rocks  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi FaeThorned Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the March round of "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Well, now, that’s a good opening sentence, and I liked how you followed it up with a quick run-down of the play – Little Johnny’s home alone because he has very down-to-earth parents! But also… he’s alone so we can sense some typical kid shenanigans likely to happen.

The second paragraph shows us that Little Johnny is well capable of making his own fun and is very used to playing around in the junk. I suspect he’s known in all his life and would be surprised to find a grass lawn. He knows how to handle the junk and is careful in what he does but, still… there’s a lot of suspense because we still don’t know what’s going on and at this stage we’ve rather forgotten the opening sentence.

(Adult horror: what the heck is he doing out there in bare feet?????)

Your descriptions are really great, allowing us to see as if we’re there – Little Johnny winding up his throw and then the surprise when the earth explodes. I reckon he thought for a moment that he’d caused it, but whatever caused the mess he’s a classic kid who has to go and look for himself (bearing in mind his mother’s warning about the sunset).

Since we know Little Johnny likes rocks, it’s really no surprise we’ve got a good description of the one he finds – and it reads as if he’s cataloguing it rather than the writer just describing it. The same for when he finds what’s making the sounds – we can see it through his eyes and feel empathy for it, a bit like he does.

Such a classic kid though—find something odd and take it home whether it’s a good idea or not. And, even more, so show it your toys. I liked that he’s just going with the flow here.

Although I liked the arrival home of the parents (loving but also basic), I didn’t quite feel like it was the ending the story needed in order to close it all up. It was good to get the interaction with one of the parents but it felt too quick and easy rather than complete. Something over breakfast the next day, perhaps, with Little Johnny, Marty and the adults, might have made it feel a little less rushed.

(Noting that I did appreciate Claudine’s Johnny sounded far away, like he was whining in another universe. *Smile* and …the Appalachia of crap his daddy had built… – a completely visual mountain!)


Things to Work On
Mostly just punctuation placement. I noted that you swapped from Little Johnny to Johnny sometimes, which initially was a bit of a jump, but it’s not something you need to worry about.

“…. peeeeew,” there it was again. – I think the comma should be a full stop and ‘there’ is capitalised, as it doesn’t work in place of ‘said’ here.

… overalls, “Afternoon…” – a full stop here instead of the comma.

“… drop by,” he chuckled. – going all-out pedantic here, but if you use ‘chuckled’ as a ‘said’ (and it works for me) then before this particular section of speech you need a full stop after “neighborly way” rather than the comma, otherwise it reads wrongly. If ‘he chuckled’ is supposed to be on its own and not attached to the speech…. Then you need the full stop/capital H here. (Also need a full stop before “I’m gonna take you back… in the next paragraph, plus there’s a couple more in the last few lines of the story with Claudine.)


Closing Comments
This is a well-told tale of a kid making his own fun (while sticking to his mother’s rules) and then, well, making more fun with something that could have been terrible. I do feel that the ending, even though I liked Claudine, was rushed. This contest allowed u to 2500 words so you certainly had space to add a little bit more too it so that it ended with Johnny and Marty rather than Johnny’s mother passing out.

Thank you once again for entering "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window., and I look forward to seeing more of your stories in contests. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review of Green Dragon  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Amethyst Angel 🌼 Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the March round of "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Am in total agreement with Liz about noise starting so early on the weekend! At least wait until 09:00. But I also get her comments – when you’ve had a routine all your life, it’s very hard to get the brain to let it go – either in terms of timing or working.

I would like to know just how old Liz is. I’m thinking in her 60s which is still fairly young to be off to a retirement village – though there is less stress there, I guess, and we don’t know if she is carrying any ‘war wounds’ that might slow her down (aside from the lungs). She seems quite a cantankerous woman who, although she is at the village, isn’t really accepting of it. But that’s what drives her to look for her new challenge – and I loved that she was all gung-ho about it and challenging everyone who brought age into the equation!

The story read well (though I was confused initially about the music line being the phone ringing) and jumped through the scenes easily. It’s actually the kind of ‘opening’ story where you hope to get more adventures following. I would love to know how Liz pretends to be an ESOL teacher (but perhaps that’s in her PG education that is mentioned…..). Either way…. The adventures of a retirement-village ex-cop would be good reads.


Things to Work On
There’s only a few things that made me pause.

“Shoot, it’s the guy reading a book….” – is Liz saying this out loud? It looks like it because everything before/after is also in speech marks. If she’s thinking it, it would be better to put it in italics. Though… I would imagine her actually saying “Shoot” and then furiously thinking the rest of it.

“Well, uh…” the general shrugged… – ideally ‘the’ has a capital T.


Closing Comments
A good story with an opening that ‘hid’ the rest of the plot behind it, so that we had to keep reading to see where it was going. Strong, ambitious and no-nonsense character who I’d love to see more of (and actually see her interaction with others at the village – I kind of feel they might avoid her!), including even some of her background so we know how she ended up at The Villages.


Thank you once again for entering "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window., and I look forward to seeing more of your stories in contests. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Scott Wilfred Hemsway Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the March round of "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I am not sure how to explain what I thought about this story. I felt that it totally didn’t go anywhere and yet that it also did. I knew what was going on and I totally didn’t. Therein lies the point – it’s a dark mystery, there’s a widow with a secret, there’s hopelessness and abnormal growth, there’s people just living and doing…. stuff. It might be odd to say but, as a whole, I really liked it and I would love to read more.

Everything in the story provides good bones for fleshing out – like where these characters came from before they arrived on Euphrates Way. I especially want to know about the Hemsway’s brother. I mean, was he buried alive and escaped, or is he actually dead and escaped? Either way, that sentence is brilliant. It would be a magnificent opening sentence for a story!

I liked your wording choices and descriptions; they helped paint the scene for us though I must query – are the children hanging their legs from the tree or are they sitting up in the tree and hanging their legs down as they sit there? Because of the story to that point, I thought the former since it fitted with how macabre things were.

Margaret seems to be the ‘boss’ of the place and almost like a controller, with those dice in her hands, but she is clearly as cruel, deadly, bonkers as everyone else on the street. You really wonder what’s happened to people for no one to actually stop someone from being killed. And… what’s the fate of the boy after he’s been strangled? Ah no…. we got a whiff of that possible fate in the second paragraph. So, another question then, what do the kids get out of luring another one to the murder street? A leg to… hang?

The ending is as bizarre as the rest of the story and we’re left wondering if it was a boy or a chook who was hanged, or if someone mistook the boy for a chook, or Margeret just uses ‘chook’ as a code word. Either way, it’s a pretty chilling way to end a story – and my mind boggles about what the rest of her diary is like!


Things to Work On
There’s only a few things that made me pause.

placed neatly on his balding head washed down by a… – what was washed down by the wine? The priest is just cloaking himself but this kind of reads like he’s poured the wine on his head, really,

twelve-sided dice – because there are two of these in her hand it might be better to use the plural ‘die’ or say ‘two twelve-sided dice’ just for clarity’s sake.


Closing Comments
I really did like this but it is certainly confusing and didn’t feel like an actual story – start, middle, end – in the usual sense. It was like we just got dropped in the street to see the scene and then got yanked out again and we’re all puzzled about what we do or don’t know (or think we know).

f you ever build upon it, do let me know, because I reckon it would be a really good read.


Thank you once again for entering "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window., and I look forward to seeing more of your stories in contests. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Kåre เลียม Enga Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I liked how the prompt you were writing to stands in this story. Not only is it a winter scene, but we have the sparkling lights as actual living beings. Well, at least two of them were. All through, though, I could only see the narrator (and his partner) as a snowflake. I couldn’t quite make the step to another ‘being’.

A cryptid returns to the ‘scene of the crime’ so to speak or, as he says, to face my face, to free myself. This is understandable. The cryptid survived an ‘attack’ but the love of his live didn’t and he hadn’t tried to save her. He’d run. Human or not, guilt is present to everyone. However, we don’t see much of the ‘before’ to give us a clear idea of what went on prior to his return to the cabin. I would like to have known why the pair of them had decided to speak to the humans – especially if they hold such a poor opinion of them (though… maybe that came about ‘after’).

As with many of your stories, you express nature so lyrically and visually. distant cousins is amazing, and the descriptions of the feast and the fire really make one think about these things outside of what we know them as. For the cryptid, there’s a lot of death. For humans, it’d be wonderful celebration. And, yet, it seems to be that humans and the wood burning in the fire are actually on a par – celebrating their various existences.

The cryptid, however, really is just living a tragic story so I was glad to see that a bit of his love did remain. She may no longer have been sentient but he was able to ‘rescue’ her. I would like to have seen more of this ‘after’ written because, although I liked the ending, there could have been much more of it.


Things to Work On
The only thing I though might need a change—though it’s a personal opinion—was changing ‘does’ to ‘did’ in It seldom does. That’s because it felt a better match for ‘wouldn’t’ used two sentences earlier.


Closing Comments
A rather short story but with quite a unique take on the prompt and lovely visual description. A sad story but also one that might make humans think a little more outside the box.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
Review of Nightwatch  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Beholden Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This was quite a different take on the prompt than was expected, but I liked it because of that, and because my education background is in Classical Studies. I’ve always liked warfare studies and the Teutoberg Forest massacre is a well known event. To use it in this story is, I think, quite an achievement. It makes for something unique.

Of course, we have a story to go with it – a platoon of soldiers out in the chilly winter near the end of World War II looking for a rumoured enemy. Typical that it’s “rumoured” and I can totally understand Jim’s feelings about it. Yet, he’s a soldier so he may grumble but he does his job. The same goes for his commanding officer and fellow soldiers.

I liked that the lights Jim sees remind him of fireflies at home – activating the prompt in two seasons. His thought that So small a slight could hardly be threatening could have become hellishly ironic. I thought, though, this moment also showed him to be a calm individual. He can sense things have changed but he’s not panicking or anything like that—yet, with the idea these things are eyes, Jim knows to alert his camp.

The lieutenant was a likable character: responsive, observant, willing to listen – all the things you want in such an officer. Of course, when he responds that there better be a good reason for is having to get out in the middle of the night, that’s understandable too. His conversation with Jim is great, a calm discussion and not looking down on his soldiers as they converse.

I had no idea where this story was going to go until the lieutenant faffed naming the forest – and then I knew what we were dealing with. And I was excited! I do love my Roman history. Totally apt though that the lieutenant thought it was far-fetched. Not only is it hard to think spirits are about but three legions????

You know, though, I thought Doc was rather optimistic in his logic. My brain first went ‘they here to warn you off!’, definitely not ‘they’re here to cheer you on!’ However, if he had thought of the two options, he was clever enough to go with the better one to tell his comrades. The lieutenant clearly understands his men – he’s going to go with the flow of thought but also remain on guard.

The ending felt a little flat, though, because it was so quick. Almost like an anti-climax even though it was a major event. Those 400 words you didn’t use of the word limit could have been used here – not so much to write the deaths for to have the platoon looking around and speculating, maybe finding a Roman sword or something.


Things to Work On
Didn’t have anything stop my reading flow *Smile*.


Closing Comments
Even without a personal interest in the topic, I’d have enjoyed this story. It was well written with decent characters (even if some of them didn’t have a name! I’m looking at you, Lieutenant!) Contest-wise, it was a great use of the prompt.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi LightinMind Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
A letter is always an interesting way to tell a story and I like how we start with James hating his parents but then describing them in pretty glowing terms! And going forward with the story, aside from being a guy with a high IQ and a disdain for everyone, he’s a mommy’s boy at heart.

Much of the story is complicated to the lay-person reader, but I liked that it seem that way also to James when he was a child. It was great how his mum was very hands-on with his learning and patient as well. You can certainly see why he missed her and remained devoted to her through his whole life.

The prompt was incorporated rather magically and mysteriously and it’s also the turning point, the reason for this letter being written now. The how and why and what of his parents’ disappearance, and also the appearance of a true teenager peeved at having to walk home in the snow because he couldn’t drive.

I liked how James wavered between deism and atheism and still didn’t really have it figured out at the end of the letter. A high IQ doesn’t mean you know or understand everything.

It’s also interesting that this letter was written nineteen years before James’ death when he was just 46. And that he died before the 50 years was up. I think I’d like to have seen a little more around that – ie James maybe writing the letter to posterity much closer to the date he was waiting for, because a heck of a lot of things can happen to a man in the space of almost two decades.


Things to Work On
Just a few things to think about.

She then said that the world that we will teach you about has no limits. – because this section is between James and his mother, I think part of this should be in speech marks as it sounds like she really is speaking here. If it truly is a remembered speech then the tense needs to be changed – something like said that the world they would teach me about had no limits.. This is likely considered nitpicking but it really stood out to me and broke me from my reading groove.

my parent’s research – put the apostrophe after the ‘s’ since parent is a singular now and you’re meaning both parents here rather than one of them.

Before me, I could see… – the campfire is burning to the left while ‘before me’ tends to be a straight ahead visual line, so I’d recommend removing ‘before me’.


Closing Comments
I would like to have seen a bit more of the prompt here especially since the lights were quite a unique take. And even if the portal only opened every 50 years, did his curiosity not get him back there day after day to check things out? Either way, James followed in his parents’ footsteps, carrying both a grudge (though lightly) and admiration and did everything they wanted him to do. Such a filial son *Smile*


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
15
15
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi PureSciFi Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
The opening sentence is a darn good one but the paragraph goes on to feel quite cruel (which… is true, really, when you get to the end and find out what’s really going on). I also felt like a true third-wheel here – I’m watching Meavalians watching a DeathBringer burning – and, yet, that also plays into the storyline since this particular opening event is five years in the past and the Meavalians have just been watching a presentation on it. So – perhaps I’m a fourth-wheel watcher.

It’s a very interesting take on the image prompt. Well done for actually including it as part of the story though I’d recommend that Divonna point out a few things so it’s clear that this is the image that they’re looking at on the big screen. I’d also love an explanation of what the Extreme Hot and the Frozen White Water are (and how they come about).

The plot revolves around this burning DeathBringer who didn’t die when he was supposed to. He’s now back, randomly killing people, and yet focusing on the group that dealt him the Extreme Hot, and those people are trying to figure out how to keep themselves from becoming victims. There’s some very random conjecture about safety techniques, for sure, being alone, not being in the trees, being surrounded by Young Ones. There never seems to be true scientific thought behind these reasons, rather just based on a brief observation. It’s fascinating that the DeathBringers seem to be a constant in the Maevalian world and yet very little is known about them.

I’d like to have known just why Divonna thinks the Frozen White Water can kill the DeathBringer – and why no one has wondered about in the five years since they burned him with the Extreme Hot. I’d also like to know why the Maevalians and the DeathBringer hadn’t actually spoken to each other before now, since the ending shows that it’s clear they can. The end, by the way, is very sad and it takes me back to my comment up the top – about this being a cruel story. Much of the DeathBringer’s reason in killing these people was so they’d hurry up and find a way to kill him properly, to end the pain he was in. And, yet, no one is bothered about that; they’re only going ‘woohoo, we can now kill all the rest too’. (Of course, this is understandable given they’ve been killed on and off themselves).

This story isn’t set in a winter setting, so it was good to see an aspect of the prompt make a return at the end and be an integral part in ending everyone’s grief and fear.


Things to Work On
I have mentioned this in several reviews, but in this story you also do some needless repeating of things. Your stories are amazing but you waste word count this way and run the risk of confusing readers or making them skip sections. The section where Divonna and a male are talking about whether or not the DeathBringer kills individually or not is one of these sections that could do with a bit of a cut-down.

There are also several moments where you’ve got two sentences that should actually be one. On their own, the second one often doesn’t quite make grammatical sense. Two examples below:

Second paragraph: … sparking out of his body. Catching whatever it hit... – the first sentence is just fine but the second can’t stand on its own as something that makes sense. The full stop here should be a comma.

Third paragraph: … experiencing the Extreme Hot too. Causing the watching Meavalians… – again, use a comma not a full stop.

I think I’ve questioned this in past stories – the use of ‘residence’. You never describe what these actually look like and the word starts sounding odd when you read it several times in quick succession. Are these houses, buildings, halls…? Try to use different words that can help describe them better for the reader’s ‘eye’.

… that ran down the middle of it – for clarity’s sake, I think ‘it’ would be better off as ‘room’ or ‘hall’

That caused the victim to start screaming. – this is redundant as the victim had already started screaming in the paragraph before this one.


Closing Comments
This story has merit but it’s very clunky. I think if you looked carefully at the construction you’d be able to cut a good 500 words out and replace them with more explanation of things like the Extreme Hot, the Frozen White Water, and even where DeathBringers have come from to make a more rounded story.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
16
16
Review of A decided throne  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

Hi Beck Firing back up! Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This felt like a short snippet of a much larger story, a snapshot of a character being put on their destined path (much as your logline says) but it was full of tension and energy and hope. And puzzlement since Edina is not in the sort of straits that Jenna has been worrying about!

I liked how you made the light balls in the image prompt a sort of weapon/defence – that was unexpected but it worked out really well. Jenna’s own new magic mirrored it, which was nice.

Jenna’s gift of smell/detecting scent is an interesting one. It’s a thing specific to her, and I liked how you brought it into the story in a natural manner – to give more details about Jenna but also to provide tension. Jenna’s already on a fairly arduous mission in the snow and now there’s added danger – real or not, we don’t yet know at this point. (Though, given that this ability to smell food helped her family, what is her family going to do now?)

“Many,” Jenna said. – perhaps the understatement of the year *Smile*. I can imagine Jenna’s tone as she says this, wry confusion to go with the expression on her face.

The second half of this story is more physically settled though no less tense as Jenna learns there’s a whole lot of stuff she doesn’t know, including about herself. Her full name at the end is a great closer of sorts – like she has come full circle and has been accepted by whomever and whatever. However, there are certainly questions left unanswered – like what is the Changeling? What is Edina’s actual calling (it sounds like it might be different from the Griffin)? Hence my saying at the top that this felt like a snapshot within a much larger story.


Things to Work On
My main comment here is just a reader preference – put spacing between the paragraphs. It was a great story but a hard read with the easy separation of paragraphs and speaking.

Is it Changeling or changeling, as you have both versions within the story (Jenna uses the non-capitalised while Edina the Capitalised. Thinking this through, though… it kind of makes sense. For Jenna this creature is not ‘real’ yet, so doesn’t really have a true name, while for Edina it is real…).

“Jenna! Run!” A small voice was yelling. – ‘A’ doesn’t need to be capitalised. In the next paragraph she motioned… should start with a capital S.

When Edina spoke about against… – either remove ‘about’ entirely or change it to ‘out’ (which, I guess, is what your intention was).

Don’t forget that you have three genres with which to market your story to readers. Even if you can’t think of three perfect ones, then Contest remains valid. Seeing that, readers will understand you had limits – a prompt or word count etc. It helps them understand better. Community, Nature, Family could also be good options.


Closing Comments
I definitely can see this being part of a longer story – you have two worlds to explore plus the lives of Jenna and Edina to expand (past, present and future). On its own it’s full of tension and action and I enjoyed how you linked in the prompt with Edina’s defensive skills.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
17
17
Review of Runaway  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi Amethyst Angel 🌼 Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Although I pretty quickly found where this story was going, the opening paragraphs could have sent it many ways. I almost thought we were going down a variant on Little Red Riding Hood or Alice in Wonderland, and then when it was more ‘real’ down a much darker storyline than expected. And I liked that Joey had those feelings too and was very ‘I really don’t want this child hanging around me because it doesn’t look so good’.

Despite how he’s been living, he’s still conscientious and reluctantly-at-first protective. His backstory plays a part there, obviously, and I think it’s pretty soon that reader’s get where this story is going. And it get’s there too, with a happy ending that is still different from expected. I liked that and I feel there could be more chapters here on how Joey takes (or not) to his new role in life.

The side characters all played a great role in beefing up the story, though I am a bit puzzled. Is Amy one of the homeless or does she work at the soup kitchen? I thought the former straight off but now I think the latter. It doesn’t really matter since she’s a good character to have, a ‘big sister’ type, and I liked that she did some checking of the Alice/Joey connection when they go inside.

Some great descriptions; absolutely loved the one where trouble had become Amy’s service dog. I could almost visualise it. And also enjoyed how Alice was really just a kid – telling the man that if he ate apples he might not be so fat. Speaking with a kid’s reasoning! Same with the whole being fine with Joey as her dad, but after he’s had a bath, haircut and clean clothes.

Good mentions of the prompt too, with the snow and ice.


Things to Work On
Just a wee few things I noticed, nothing terribly major.

“Why don’t you get a job?” He continued. – ‘He’ shouldn’t be capitalised here.

“Oh no, it’s true… Alice, you’re my daughter.” – to be honest, nothing actually wrong with the sentence but the first four words read like doom and when it reads that way and you hear the next sentence, it doesn’t sound like a fabulous thing. Perhaps something like Oh gosh, it’s true…, which makes it less doom-like.

There are a couple of places where I think the character’s action and their speech could be better placed in the same paragraph, as it’s not always totally clear that they belong to each other. I kept getting mixed up with Amy and Alice because of this.


Closing Comments
A feel-good story that really could have gone so many ways, but in the end turned out just right. Would be interesting to see Joey’s life before this moment – like how he go there – and then a few years after this moment – is he still around? Is he far more settled? How’s Alice?


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

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18
18
Review of Arctic Spirit  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi Damon Nomad Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This is quite an unexpected tale, and I liked the mix of action and inner thought that showed Cliff to be a human military man. He also has something of a high trust model going on, sitting down in a stranger’s house and putting on slippers. Of course, that’s just how the plot of this story goes and if someone’s off getting you a meal and a drink, then I’m not surprised Cliff goes with the flow.

The ‘background’ to the story is great – he’s actually on a military mission, volunteered because he has no one at home for him over the festive period so we have physical tension and emotional tension from this, and even though we start thinking hmm, is this Santa Claus? we really can’t be sure. Coincidences, and all that, and we go with the flow like Cliff does.

I loved The minister crept toward Cliff. – I can see him wringing his hands a bit with a bent/bowing posture, half panicking at this odd visitor. And Cliff not reading the room at all *Smile* until sometime later. Even then, though, he just opens the package he’s holding, trusting it to be non-violent. I thought Tapio’s actions were about right too—jumping up when he saw the gift, rather than being hesitant and pretending not to be the named kid.

It’s not until the end of the story that we find out what’s really going on, and I thought this was a good level of suspense and a very clever way of going about it. As the minister says, Miracles are real.

Great use of the genre options, and I thought the title worked really well.


Things to Work On
Just a few little things, but nothing to really change the reader flow. Two examples are below.

He studied the preflight intelligence… – just thinking there should be a ‘had’ after ‘he’, since this action is well in the past.

“That’s your language is it not.” – should have a comma after ‘language’ and end with a question mark, since it is mostly a question.


Closing Comments
A nice feel-good story that led us through some suspenseful moments before we got a solid, questions-answered ending.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

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19
19
Review of Snowy Work  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi MayDay Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This is an interesting short take on the Cinderella story, but with no happy ending unfortunately.

Shayne is certainly quite the slave in her own home, and yet I thought it a little odd when she was recalling how things had been when her mother was alive. How she’d also really been working (stitching, weaving, cleaning clothes) and yet had not built the fire. Who built it? Her mother or household help? It’s always interesting when characters are used to something and then have to do something else but never quite accept that fact that someone else used to have to do that ‘something else’.

I’d love to have seen a bit more of the snowy trees to make a better connection with the prompt, and even a daydream or two on how an ‘archway in a garden’ could lead to other, far nicer places. If Shayne feels like a slave, surely she dreams of leaving or forcing the others to leave?

Liked the description of the chores – definitely heavy work and one would really think a man would be in charge of them. We don’t know how old Edward and Timothy are but it must be quite a strained dynamic if they were in their teens and just sitting around (I also wonder how they’d feel).

Seeing Shayne, Beatrice smiled and said, “Oh, there you are….” – woooo, this line nearly tricked me! It sounded so nice and welcoming and then, boom, a reminder that Shayne was only welcomed because of a chore. You may not have expected a reader to see this sentence this way, but I did and I really liked it – set us up and let us down *Smile*


Things to Work On
Nothing pulled me out of my reading flow, though I did wish the story was longer (should you ever expand it, do let me know!).


Closing Comments
A tiny wee story that begs to be made bigger, but even short it involves the reader and we all probably feel our shoulders hurting from lugging in the firewood!


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


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20
20
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Graham B. Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This was quite a different story to others I’ve been reading recently, and I enjoyed it. There was action and simple conversation – work and personal. A bit of heroics, and a lot of decency. It’s certainly no surprise that the AIs treat Huey with respect.

Huey’s doing his last job but it comes with quite a catch. I liked that he remained calm and competent, and compassionate. He comes across as a good man to have in your life whether you’re human or AI. I’m not totally sure why he says he doesn’t know what to do, since what he’s doing is his job, but then again… it also shows that he has moments of frazzle. Completely human.

I liked how we heard of the Disaster without any sort of explanation because we should all know what it is. (The other part of me is – tell me, tell me, tell me…. Prequel……?) This snippet of background gives us great understanding of how Huey is now, and also why he wants to save Gene (and Sofia). He’s carrying a bit of a burden, but one at least that doesn’t make him completely suicidal in his ship-breaking efforts.

I guess I’m just that tough. is such a classic answer and the medidroid’s No one is that tough. was just the perfect comeback. She’s just stating fact but it’s definitely something that would put someone back in their place. It was nice to see a ‘human’ side to her at the end too when you says Huey has a way with… us. I think she was going to say ‘them’ but of course she is an AI and it’s quite clear that Huey has always been frank and human with her, treating her as if he was talking to a real person.

Clever to use Hephaestus in the title of the group interested in Huey. He was a god who know how to make stuff; I can fully see him being used in a logo or whatever.

About the prompt, however… Although there’s talk of retraining programmes in the opening section, nothing comes up again about a new career or retraining until the very end so I’m not sure there was much of a prompt fit. Also, it seems like Huey is retiring because of his health rather than his age so I would like to have seen something about his age here just to tie that in too.


Things to Work On
Don’t waste your Genres. You’ve got three to pick from that can help flag down readers, especially those that will filter stories by genres. Relationship, Emotional could be two you could use, being relevant to the story as a whole. Heck, even Contest Entry is a good one as it highlights what limits there might be on the story (prompt, length etc).


AI’s you’ve extracted… – doesn’t really need the apostrophe,

Triple-redundant systems, and always, everything… – I liked this sentence; description with a big sigh. I’ve got it here because the first comma would be better after the ‘and’ not before it.

What are you doing Huey? – just needs a comma after ‘doing’.

Huey towed his tool bag… – just wonder if this was supposed to be ‘stowed’, since it felt a lot odd that he was towing that and pulling Baudin.


Closing Comments
I liked this story and I’d definitely want to read more – about the Disaster and other moments in Huey’s career. It was a nice rounded item, literally since we began and ended with the medidroid, and after fraught moments it was great to have a happy ending too. I was a bit worried for a moment!

I didn’t think the fit with the prompt was that tight, but outside of being a contest entry, this remains a good, strong read.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

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21
21
Review of Elemental  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi Kåre เลียม Enga Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
The opening sentences speak of something long and involved – a life prolonged and actually lived - and I was interested to know what a person with such a long live would start to learn ‘later in life’.

It was somewhat surprising, then, that the story itself was so short. I feel like you missed an opportunity to really engage us, and yet I’m also unsure how to explain just why I feel that because, as with many things I’ve read of yours, you know how to use words to conjure up images to tell a tale. Perhaps it’s just because I’m a bland story-teller myself!

The languages of water in its various forms were nicely revealed. I think most of us wouldn’t think there’s a difference between the language in rain and the language in ice melting but you have made them very separate entities. It makes us ‘view’ them as such and treat them differently. It may all be water but there’s so many ways for it to ‘be’. Now I think a bit more on it, that’s also like the narrator. We never know her name but she has also been many, many things alongside being, at heart, simply a woman.

I have no idea what the badger and mole really had to do with anything, but I did like that you rounded the story out with them to bring the work to a bit of a full circle.


Things to Work On
I didn’t see anything tech-wise that put me out of my reading flow. Did think a couple of the larger paragraphs could have been split up to make for ‘easier’ reading, but that’s just a specific reader opinion.

(I would like to have known why she was able to travel with Philip over so much water when she was afraid of it. Just because of a handsome face???)


Closing Comments
As with everything I’ve read of yours, this is beautifully written with great sections around the water itself and what it can tell us. However, I did struggle to see a ‘story’ in it; it felt much more like a snapshot of a life. On that note, it would be interesting to find out more about her life – from when she was human and through the years that she was not.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


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22
22
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)

Hi PureSciFi Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Now that’s an opening line!! Straight into action, introducing the main character, and providing a clue to the entire story. And this whole opening section hits these three things all the way through. I’m not sure I should say I found a speck of humour in it, since it was pretty dangerous and on the verge of deathly, but I really did like Helona’s responses.

Ooh, Talvon is bold. He must know Helona’s temper and strength, yet he roundaboutly points out that she’s rather old to be changing her profession. I thought her response rang really true. It’s not because she wants to be the new role but because she has to be. We’re still in the dark though about what and why.

The third section, where Helona has obviously been trying to track down the mystery man, manages to feel a bit cumbersome but also funny. I’d say that she’s talking out loud too correctly/perfectly when it feels like she’s actually just speaking her thoughts. I’d expect the words to be a lot shorter. However… if she’s commenting to herself but also saying it for the benefit of those listening to her, then it makes sense. She’s really spelling out the issues and what’ll happen going forward. The ‘veiled’ warning to Bracim will likely get back to him. The funny thing in this section is the shell-shocked Korcions and how they’re reacting. From that, you can tell she must have given them twenty questions in rapid fire without much of a breather.

Loved the short bit between Jasime and Paura. With Paura not speaking I thought she might be mute but she’s well capable of stating a fact! Impressed that Helona actually turns back to the front and thinks about how someone just tried to kill her rather than question why Jasime might have a male friend at ten *Smile*

Helona’s ‘old age’ is mentioned several times but we don’t actually get to know it until right at the end. She’s about sixty-five. I think you need to bring that in much earlier so that we can marry it to the opsimath side of the prompt.

Who hasn’t wanted to brush a whole lot of glasses off a table? I love that Helona does this after her threat to Fhanon; it’s very impactful to sight and sound.

I’ve got to say – the ending was odd. I absolutely did not understand what Helona was saying about how she knew who Fhanon was and events fifty years ago. What happened? Who did what? Who blamed her? Is she saying that Fhanon did something bad and was caught by the Law Enforcers. She saw it and couldn’t really do anything but because Fhanon saw her, he blamed her for getting the Enforcers involved? This whole thing is crucial to why Helona has chosen to become a Crime Professional – ie, it’s the driver for the story – so we need to see glimpses of this much earlier.

I’ve always been so impressed how you come up with the names of your characters. They’re all so unique. Also…. Am I right in thinking I’ve met the Professionals before? Have you got a whole world or story arc about them? If so (or even if not), it would be interesting to see some information on them and their world. Not a story, but just an explanation of who they are, what they do, what different types there are. Would provide a good background to anyone reading the stories.


Things to Work On
There’s some awkward phrases that made me stumble a bit, and some questions I had.

… fourth question that I have asked you in a row… – I would be inclined to remove ‘that I have asked you’ as it would make sense that the questions having come from Talvon, since he’s speaking. Alternately, to make it less wordy, you could use ‘that I’ve asked in a row…’ (Her response is definitely displaying a woman with some years and life behind her. She’s not taking any prisoners.)

… placed a hand on the shoulder of Helona – a bit passive tense here, so you could do placed a hand on Helona’s shoulder. Can kind of sense that Talvon is daunted by her. He really should say ‘Stay here…’ rather than ‘can you stay…’ Later, you’ve got another passive moment the mouth of Fhanon which could just be Fhanon’s mouth.

…fired a single red ball at Helona – remove ‘at Helona’. It’s not needed since the person is already pointing the weapon at her. Also ‘transport’ is used four times in this paragraph. It really stands out as repetitive. Could one of them be ‘vehicle’ since that is about as vague as ‘transport’?

Why do we have daughters, daughters, daughters?

I loved that sixth section starting with the choked words. We all know what’s happening there but…. Because we’ve seen this before with Bracim, the fact that this victim is Gregiv made me immediately think you’d changed names. I think to avoid confusion you could have Helona say his name. Something like I know what you just said, Gregiv.

Slowly, Gregiv shook his head yes. – I think this should be ‘nodded’ here, since he’s answering her implied question.

Watch those places where you have the same character speaking twice in succession but on different lines. Sometimes it’s really heard to catch that the same character is speaking twice. This is especially the case where Helona and Talvon are again talking and he’s explaining why he’s been picking on her so much.

… you’ll never be able to learn what you have learned here – that ‘learn’ should be ‘used’. And, boy, Talvon is bold talking about age (though I’m reminded we don’t actually know what that is, so it would be good to come up as a number earlier.)

At least you are in this part of Korcion. – when Talvon says this he’s saying it in conjunction with the fact Helona is the oldest learner, but because it’s a sentence in its own right it sounds like he’s saying something like ‘well, at least you’re in this part of Korcion, not any of the others….’ So, just watch how you string sentences together.

Now I’m coming for you – is Helona talking about Fhanon here? It didn’t feel like it because of the sentence prior.

Question – if Fhanon thought the Law Enforcers wouldn’t do anything against him, why would he stop trying to kill Helona just because she tried to get them involved? Her words here don’t quite much sense.

Question – why does Helona say to Fhanon that she’s not a Crime Professional? At this stage, she is one. Is she trying to stay that right at this moment she is acting in her own personal capacity? I think that could be made clearer as it’s odd after all her learning.


Closing Comments
This is a story about a woman on a mission, and though I didn’t know much about the real reason behind learning to be a Crime Professional, I understood the initial one – if you won’t help me, I’ll help myself. A very good reason for a character to take action!

The story has many sections to it but I didn’t find them too jumpy, rather they slid the story along to get us to the right place at the right time. It’s skating close to the word limit and I wonder if your original draft was well over – it would be interesting to see this story retold in a longer format.

I do think Helona’s actual age needs to be mentioned earlier as it drives both prompt requirements – an opsimath and an unusual field of learning. (Being a Crime Professional is not unusual in and of itself since it seems like anyone could really learn, it’s her age that makes this an unusual field of learning.)


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


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23
23
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi Beholden Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I liked that this story was told from the point of view of the non-opsimath character; it made for an interesting tale because we were kept as much in the dark and curious as Millie was. And we got to see her thoughts rather than drowning somewhat in the other’s. We got to know a wee bit about Millie too, but the background wasn’t overly bulky so the tale read very smoothly. I think it can be summed up by the line like two letter Cs out for a stroll – a perfect match of Millie and Henry, of background and current, and of an opsimath preparing for the future.

It must be fascinating for librarians to watch what people are checking out, especially if they get to know their patrons or see patterns in people. Back when I used to get a lot of library books out (way, way younger), if one had a ‘slightly dodgy/embarrassing’ cover I’d put it down on the desk face down – you know, so it’s easier to scan the back. But the librarian would always turn in face up and I’d feel like they saw into my soul! It must be quite a different way to get to ‘know’ someone *Smile*.

Early on we know that Henry’s opsimathism is for music, ‘older’ style going by two of the three books we know the titles of. But nothing is given away as regards to the prompt. For all we know, he could be getting them out for family or even started reading such books ages ago, and his response to Millie asking if he plays doesn’t clue us in either. Her question is pretty much what most people would ask in this situation so I understood how she trailed off as she tried to explain what she’d meant. Their conversation about ‘age’ after this was really nice – the whole, yeah, we should keep our brains working followed by the gosh, we’re not really that old; felt like unintended flirting, which…. seemed to work *Smile*

The build-up to ‘why music?’ was nicely done, nothing outrageous or unbelievable, and getting a bit of the background for both characters was really good there in the middle. We had seen them connect and then we got to see a little of why they’re where they are today. That led nicely, I thought, into the end of the story, where we learn just why Henry has been learning about music at his later stage in life.

And, boy, Millie has the patience of a saint to wait so long to ask But why music?. I suspect that ‘why’ was really loaded since Henry clearly doesn’t play. The answer wasn’t an expected one (you know, like, ‘oh my wife loved xxx so I want to learned it’ or ‘my hero from my youth played yyy so I wanted to learn it’). It was far more basic and just as valid as any other reason. Loved the fact that Henry clearly decided he’d be going to Heaven *Smile* and hadn’t learned also how to make a really good fire or wield a good pitchfork.


Things to Work On
The only thing that I ‘circled’ as a hmmm moment was the ‘an’ in The first announced itself to be an Introduction to the Theory of Music. You’re giving the title of the book here rather than actually saying what it’s about so I think the ‘an’ should be removed. But… each person will have their opinion on that one.


Closing Comments
This was a nice telling of an opsimath learning something new and unusual later in life, as well as a love story. I think it really worked and I liked that the story ended with you noting that he had learned the harp; it made the story a nice full circle.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
24
24
Review of The Snail Analyst  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)

Hi Anna Marie Carlson Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Well, you definitely picked an ‘unusual field or subject matter’ to write about *Smile*. I’m not sure anyone would expect a story about snails. I had to smile at Sniley had to think about how she could make a snail analyst’s career sound interesting.’

It was interesting to see what Sniley analysed and how her brain worked in justifying both snails and her own study of them. I thought the rhyming bits you had later in the story to explain snails and their movements was quite clever, but it also seemed a bit odd, almost out of place. I think I would like to have seen Sniley do a ‘here’s how I explain snails’ and then launch into the rhyming.

The paragraph where Cyrus finds out Sniley was abused in her childhood sort of comes out of the blue. It does explain why Sniley has hidden the snail fascination all her life and why she says the family would go ballistic, but it doesn’t seem to go anywhere – and it’s definitely not as if Cyrus cares because he blows her cover. That seems to say quite a bit about what Cyrus is really like!

In the next paragraph, it’s a very confused telling of family reaction to the news of the snails and Sniley panicking. While it’s difficult to read because it’s a jumbled mix of speech and story-telling, that also fits really well: people reacting in anger are often not coherent, the same for those in a panic. But…. Her classmates didn’t accept what was leading up to the whole thing. – what is this about? Classmates where and when? There’s been nothing about school. Since this goes on further about bullying and things I wonder if this part of the paragraph should have been with the one above about childhood abuse? Otherwise, there is no real context about it and continued to make me wonder how old Sniley was.

The ending was unexpected – a combination of Sniley’s clever analysis (at least, I think that’s what it is) and a final paragraph where the reader wonders what they really just read – just as it says… a disguise in reality… | …just someone’s imagination. Really liked it. We had been on quite the ride with the snails and are left almost wondering if we’d really been taken for a ride.


Things to Work On
How old is Sniley in this story? She starts being fascinated in snails at four but the story is about a person who learns a new thing later in life. There’s nothing in this story to suggest Sniley is older than teenage years, apart from when her nephew calls her out. And he calls her gross. If he’s her nephew then Sniley would be expected to be in her twenties or thirties at the very least, but if he’s calling her out then he seems about that age himself because…. Wouldn’t a young boy love their bugs and snails and things???

Watch your speech marks. There’s a few places where they’re not needed, and somewhere they are. When you include speech within a paragraph, you need to get them right so the reader doesn’t confuse speech with simple story-telling. And, on the topic of speech, it’s always a good idea to separate speakers into their own spaces, so the reader fully understands who is speaking.

The sentence starting He barked, “A snail analyst?... is an example. Sniley has just finished speaking, so Cyrus’s bark would be best in its own paragraph. Also, the rest of the speech after this is all his but it’s in three separated pieces of speech, so a reader would naturally thing it’s Cyrus, Sniley, Cyrus speaking.

Also, don’t waste the genres. You get to pick three for each item and they’re like signposts for readers who like to read by genres. I admit I do like to see Contest Entry because that signals limitations on your work (prompt, genre, word count etc) but don’t leave the rest blank. Family and Nature could be two you could use here, as well as Fantasy since the story seems to end in a fantastical, questioning-reality way.


Closing Comments
This is one of the most different stories I’ve read on WDC. While I did spend a lot of time trying to sort it out so that I could judge it as is my role here, I did like it. It was totally unique. I think if you didn’t have the word limit you might have ordered it in a little more coherent manner and really explained how Sniley worked through her own demons and became a snail analyst.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
25
25
Review of Stubborn Old Boy  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi THANKFUL SONALI Magical Days! Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I liked how you had a double story here – one surrounding family and one around the opsimath with his new line of learning. And what a new line of learning for an eighty-nine-year-old!!! I fully agree with the narrator’s “The what of the what?” But also, that line inflected humour in the story, as did many of the lines, in fact, which made for a nice light read.

There’s a TV ad in here in New Zealand (for a car, I think) where a character has picked up his mother-in-law and is driving her home. His wife is at her house and he’s asked to call the house, which ends up a bit hard because the mother-in-law’s number is programmed into his cellphone as ‘The Old Trout’, and of course he has to say it loud enough for the phone to hear, and the phone repeats it back so everyone can hear. In any case, the stubborn old boy – and who would actually use it – reminded me of that old ad, making me smile. Interesting what people call their in-laws *Smile*

That aside, I enjoyed this story; the first-person (nameless) narrator is young and friendly and willing. Likely to be easy-going with her Grandpa just as grandparents are with their grandchildren, but also fully ready to dob him in if he’s doing something that Mum would disapprove of (and his wife, by the sounds of it!).

With the admission that he’s learning, he started after his wife died, there’s no surprise the narrator is surprised herself (and a little edgy, I think). If Grandma wouldn’t like it, then what the heck was the man learning??? No wonder the fingers get crossed behind her back, and no wonder we get the awesome “The what of the what?” Plus…. *Smile* the embarrassment the young feel when the older generation get lovey dovey. The second “Grandpa!" had a different sort of embarrassment though, having one’s own love life pointed out and given tips. He sounds like a very great Grandpa.

Learning about the mating habits of toads is certainly an unusual thing to learn – at any time of life! I enjoyed how you didn’t make anything sound like a lesson, but brought in what Grandpa had learned or was learning throughout the story, interspersed with the narrator’s own thoughts about things. And, of course, how Grandpa was aiming to put his learnings to good use (by the way, I presume Mrs Harris is actually the lady who’d been doing the cooking and housework?).

Grandpa comes across as a very quirky man, and definitely stubborn, but I do want to know if there was a second bathroom in the house??????


Things to Work On
Just a couple of tiny punctuation things.

(it felt odd…) – capitalise ‘it’.

“to attract more flies”. – this one I’m a bit on the fence on but most people would tell you to capitalise To. I would actually suggest it here because when I first read this bit I thought the “ was actually a misplaced piece of punctuation rather than speech.


Closing Comments
I always like reading your stories; you’re a good teller of tales, and often imbue them with humour and light banter which makes them seem even more ‘alive’. Your take on the prompt was very different to anything I might have been expecting, and I think you did it quite well. Though… personally… toads???????????????????


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Osirantinous

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