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Review of A Living Hell  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Sounds like a good poem for Halloween. While most older and traditional poetry began each line with an uppercase letter, most modern and contemporary poetry does not.

I suggest you consider using lower case to begin lines that are not the beginning of a sentence.

Overall the poem is good. It has a few grammatical errors to fix. Use the possessive form for witch. If it is one witch and one accomplice it is "witch's accomplice". If it is the accomplices of more than one witch, it is "witches' accomplices". Also, too many commas that are not needed.

Line 8 is too long and messes the rhythm up. Strike "That I had". I'd also suggest shortening lines 11 and 12 just a bit to fit with the rest of the poem.

A few word changes to strengthen shorter lines would help.

These are some improvements I'd suggest, not all, you can keep working it.

Here is a workshop revision suggestion to illustrate the points above:

A living hell,
above the surface.
Sudden fear from
witch's accomplice.

Freaky faces,
saddened souls.
Psychotic meanings,
yet to unfold.

Classic red prints,
blood on the walls.
Shadows cover hope
when dark despair calls.

Common corpses
of dead souls.
Hidden messages
from underground moles.

Happy writing and crafting.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
This poem has some good moments and some good lines. I like the overall idea. L4 with "gaffes" seems a little contrived to make the rhyme work. I suggest working at finding a more naturally flowing line.

The rhythm is mostly right on, but a few lines break the metric pattern and number of feet and so it throws the rhythm off. The poem is mostly done in lines of 5 feet or pentameter. But L3 drops an entire foot and comes up short, while L6 and L7 have more than 5 feet, which makes them out of sync.

Stanza 3 drops part of a foot to start, then has a great line that is perfect and in sync, then one too long and then the last line of the stanza (line 12 in the poem) totally breaks with the established beat.

Stanza 4 is very good except the second line goes off the beat.

These are the technical things to do to fix the poem's pentameter and rhythm. Other than that, pretty good work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a well done poem overall and it communicated to my heart some concepts about this condition in wonderful and rich language.

The only thing that I didn't like and that held me back was the choppiness present in many of the lines. If you were using the language with the intention of illustrating the "choppiness" in the way a brain thinks when beset by this condition, you certainly did more than capture it, you went a little overboard.

A certain amount of choppiness to illustrate that point would be good, but too much of it became a bit overbearing and hindered the flow for me.

I think that reducing some of the rapid-fire choppiness of this poem would strengthen it.
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Review of Torn  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
A Sestina is a very very difficult thing to do and you are to be commended for completing it within the expected parameters. I loved your topic and the way you explored it and the things you communicated-- all very well done.

The technical aspects of this poem need a lot of work. In order to keep within the Sestina parameters and style requirements you have forced the language in a number of places by manipulating grammar to suit the expected conformity. One of the things you need to develop to master a rigorous style and form such as a Sestina is a real adeptness at making language flow very naturally.

As an example of contrived language here are the last two lines of your first stanza:

"forbidden from watching a son grow -
from her bosom he was torn."

Natural grammar is "he was torn from her bosom." Although we are free as poets to utilize grammar to our ends and to rearrange it when needed, we still must do it in a manner that does not seem contrived. This comes across as very contrived and it is but one example from the poem. your challenge is to figure out how to preserve your rhymes without rearranging grammar that seems contrived.

Manipulating grammar in a way that makes it come across as forced or contrived is NOT poetic license. Developing an adeptness at crafting grammar in such a way that it still flows naturally as well as keeping within the expected form and pattern is mastery of language that will strengthen this kind of poetry.

Keep working at it. The fact that you put it together at all is to be commended. This style does not flow easily and requires practice. By writing these you will put yourself in a good position to develop ease of language more and more, for you will get better and better at it as you stick with it.

DE
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I enjoyed the concept. I agree that people should not be overly reactive to such books as these based on their "real world" beliefs-- after all it is called "fantasy" for a reason-- it is not reality, and that is coming from a minister and Bible teacher who not only loves reading fantasy, I write it as well.

As a side note, the reason good defeats evil is because light dispels darkness and creative power supersedes corruptive power.

When a room is dark you can light a match and that little flame puts off enough light to illuminate the entire room and dispel the darkness. Now walk into a lighted room. Is there anything that you can activate or do that gives off enough darkness to obscure the entire room? No. The only way to bring darkness to a lighted place is to try to obscure the light by blocking it or to try to extinguish the source of the light. Nothing can "emanate" darkness that dominates light.

Darkness is simply the absence of light. Once light is introduced, the light is the prevailing and dominant power.

Again, I enjoyed the concept, but I think it could have been written better. You certainly should add some white space (line breaks and end breaks) and a few of your sentences are worded awkwardly, such as: "So what had all these God-lovers so upset about?" Did you mean: So what were all these God-lovers so upset about? Or did you mean: So what had all these God-lovers so upset?

There are a few other areas that need to be clarified like this.

Overall, well done, I enjoyed.

Thanks. DE
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Review of Multivalence  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Although I disagree with the outward structure, terminology, and methodology of your stated philosophy of Multivalence, I do agree with your revelation of the processes behind your constructed emendations and acknowledge that your points are well written and presented.

Your observations certainly apply to a certain manner of allowing your "muse" to function in the way you or others have chosen to be inspired. There are other methods of inspiration that wholly differ from your stated philosophy. I operate in a very directive manner where I am the orchestrator of the many thoughts, ideas, beliefs, philosophies, experiences, etc. within my head and heart. I find new streams of thought at times and follow them where they go, but I am always the explorer and discoverer and gatherer of these adventures, not a receiver of some separate entity within.

Just as you have noted that "different works have different meanings to different people with different backgrounds at different times" so too I postulate that different methods of inspiration have different ways of moving the artist, poet, writer, etc. and are utilized by different people with different backgrounds at different times.

In other words, just as you can't put the meaning of a poem in a box, you cannot put the method of inspiration in a box either.

I feel I would have liked the piece better if it were written in a more personal manner (a first person presentation) and not in a POV where you discuss yourself as some third party entity. I think you could have conveyed the heart of your philosophies better by relating them from yourself and not discussing them like some generic encyclopedic article.

Thanks for sharing your views and ideas, very inspirational and great input for my head and my heart and my muse.
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Review of Pathways of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem has a lot of nice intriguing thoughts and I liked the poetic language used to express these thoughts.

The tone of the poem is somber, which fits the content very well. This is a very introspective poem and teaches an indirect lesson, so it comes across as somewhat of a didactic poem.

There is a typo in line 11 where gaing should be gain.

The second rhyming pair (line 3 and 4) is out of sync in its pace and flow because of the large disparity in number of syllables:

On material things in this world

Till the coldness in our blood runs deep and is curled

Line 3 has 9 syllables while line 4 has 12 syllables. Also, the proper expression is "my blood curdled" not "my blood curled" so that should be fixed too.

If these lines are equalized, the entire poem will flow better. Also, while we are at it, let's fix the expression. I thought of the word hurdles which rhymes with curdles as a possible fix, so here is a suggestion:

On material things in this world of hurdles

Till the coldness in our blood runs deep and curdles.

Now, both of these lines are 12 syllables in length. Also, the expression regarding blood is accurate and the rhyme works well. Read it out loud and see how the two lines fit and flow together.

You can look for other places in the poem where you need to equalize the rhyming pairs (couplets) better and make some more improvements.

Other than that, the poem is very well presented and has a nice beat to it. I almost sensed a rap beat that kept the strong accents in each line aggressive. This added very well to the quality and impact of the entire poem.

You have a mervellous poem here that touches on an issue to which we all relate. With a some minor polishing this can become quite a little masterpiece.

I enjoyed this poem tremendously. Thanks for sharing it here and desiring to grow in your poetic ability and craft.

Keep on writing and having fun.

Great job.

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool*
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Review of The Flower  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very interesting and intriguing poem. There are so many places this could go. It could be judicial, that after the one flower was executed, the others stood more upright. Or political, the candidate that got axed and the others stood up a bit taller. Or even in life, only the strong survive kind of philosophy.

There is one inconsistency in grammar/punctuation I saw. You did not capitalize the and that started the second stanza in the middle of a sentence but you DID capitalize the All that started the third stanza in the middle of a sentence.

It doesn't matter which way you choose to go (that's a poet's choice) but for consistency they should either both be small case or both be capitalized.

Nothing else noted in this sharp, clean, powerful little poem. What an impacting short poem. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.

Excellent work.

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool*
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Review of You Touch Me  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A very beautiful, heartfelt poem. This poem showed me the love that two people can share, and becuase it is a simple poem, it communicated the simplicity of love to my heart.

It is like the poem itself was showing us that you enjoy the simple beauty of love and don't let it get all complicated.

One thing stood out as a possible typo or you did it on purpose, the final word of the poem, . . . Through is capitalized. I think it would be better in small case.

Other than that this is such a clean, powerful, simple write. I enjoyed it tremendously. Thanks.

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool*
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Yikes. What a fight this is.

I really liked your poem. It was very solemn and intense in tone. Your descriptions of the fight and struggle really drew me into your poem to feel the anguish and frustration with you.

I noticed one grammatical error to fix. Instead of Lungs is . . . in line 7, it should be Lungs are . . . .

When I used to smoke, I had an adage that helped me quit. I'd say: "I don't smoke, the cigarette smokes, I'm just the sucker on the end."

I hated being the "sucker" so much it helped motivate me to quit.

Thanks for sharing this poem of deeply felt anguish with us. I am sure many will relate. It brought back memories of my struggle.

Wonderful work and WELCOME to WDC.

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool*
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Review of Numb  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Kind of chilling to the bone. The agony of not knowing what you want and turning it away. Sounds like it led to murder, which is why it is a bit creepy for me.

I suggest you use the apostrophe for abbreviations, such as don't and not dont.

Why is Good-Bye capitalized? Is this capitalization needed for the meaning and depth of the poem? I can't figure out what it is connected to or why it adds to the poem. It just leaves me wondering why it is capitalized. Same with Completely Numb. Good question to ask yourself if it is necessary. I feel the impact would be the same with or without the capitalizations.

Overall a very nicely done poem with great form and style and it carries a somber, confused, despairing tone to it. The emotions are powerful and this impacts the reader, so great work.

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool*
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Review of My Son  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
Nice of you to share your sentiments.

This writing needs major help. It is rife with punctuation and grammatical errors, misspellinhgs and typos.

The logic of the flow is stilted at times. It needs more transitional phrases.

Here is a quick edit. As a professional editor I usually charge money for editing, but consider this only a partial, quick free one. I am not pointing out everything by any means, but I wnt to qualify my rating for you:

I had aMy childhood that left me feeling differant [sp. different], alone, scared and thanthen rebellious. I grew into a permiscuios [sp. promiscuous] teenager with a bad attitude. I Givinggave up high school to run off and get married. The payback was payed me with homelessness and a few too many beers. I thought that this is what life was like.

I found outdiscovered that I was pregnant for the third time. and had at that point,I had already been warned that I woould [typo: would] lose the third just as I had the first two. But I knew better,. Something inside told me from inside,that I would carry him. Yes, [add comma] I say him because I knew that too. I carried my son almost ten months, and gave birth to him in the year 1993. The twentyth [sp. twentieth] day of the year blessed me with a new outlook on life. I just creeated [typo: created] a miracle and against all the odds we made it. [Sugg: Against all the odds we made it. It was a miracle.]

In ecitment [typo/sp: excitement] I tryed [sp. tried] again to carry and only made it eight months. Billy Jean, [add comma] may she fly as free as she werewas born to be, she didn't make it. I never let it bring me down. I somehow found a way to see it differant [sp. differently] than everyone else. I gave birth to one that was alive and he led me to the conclusion that it was because he had a purpose. And I gave birth to one who was not alive becauseyet she was not a still born, but born still. She was meant to fly free as angels do.

So in this thinking moment I thank you god [intentional small?] for the two wonderful children I have baredborne in this world. I will live and die knowing it was all with purpose.

It needs a bit more imagery and the tone seems very somber for a piece in which you should be excited and your joy should show through.

Keep working at it.
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a return review from David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool* in thanks for reviewing some of my work.

I enjoyed the topic or idea of this poem tremendously. Putting the material in a more rhythmic or sing-songy form was a great decision. It gives it a lighthearted and amusing feel.

I think the first two stanzas set the poem up very well, but then you got a bit wordy in the final two stanzas. I suggest you strengthen the final two stanzas by eliminating some of the frills and being a bit more direct as you were in the prior stanzas.

Here are some editing suggestions that I think will accomplish this and strengthen the poem:

Never give up, andnever surrender
That's what she alwayssays to me
You'll will always be the best in the endif you remember
Just let the words be

TheWords sound so ugly at the start
MuchBetter when they're come from the heart
So I'llwrite I will and write and writesome more
Write into the office andon through the publisher's door.

Hence, it wll look like this:

Never give up, never surrender
That's what she says to me
You'll be the best if you remember
Just let the words be

Words sound ugly at the start
Better when they're from the heart
So write I will and write some more
Write on through the publisher's door.

This will clean up what you have, but I recommend that you revisit the poem and try for even more economy of language to match the first two stanzas.

You have a great idea and a fun poem here. I love the direction this goes, all the way through the publishers door, and the exhortation it gives to writers to just keep on writing and to enjoy what they do. The whole poem's tone is amusing and that is where I get the idea of enjoyment. This poem conveys a mood with its topic.

Enjoy the craft!
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks for reviewing my work and helping me. I try to return reviews to all those who help me within a week, so here you go.

There is a heck of a lot of emotion in this and you write in a very clear style. You do digress just a bit in places, but not detrimentally.

Your story is wonderful and endearing, but the writing needs more vivid energy and imagery. You sound like a journalist TELLING us about the story and TELLLING us what happens, but you do not SHOW us the story from the inside out.

Try to detach yourself from the story. I know you are in it and experiencing it, but try to be an objective observer and then when you write, role play the parts of your characters and make the story live through them.

Here is a reference you can use to understand what the difference is between SHOWING and TELLING and how to use these techniques effectively: The "Expanded Power Revision Checklist" Open in new Window.. Read the whole thing for tips in imagery too.

You have a story to tell and you write well, so this reference will help you take your story over the top.

Write on!

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool*
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, well, well. Exactly as I expected. Even before I hit the button, I guessed that amongst writers and poets the INFP and INFJ would have to be the highest. The dreamers and idealists.

Although I am specifically an INFJ, I am not far from being an INFP. I also tend to characterize with the INTJ type a bit.

If you know the color code, I am a Red/White.

This was a very fun survey and relevant to determining the usual "writer" types. I appreciate this poll very much.

I would only suggest you remove the option: I don't want to vote, but I do want to see the results..

Tell people to just go and take the test, it only takes 5 mins or less, and give a good answer for your research. Don't let them cop out.
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for putting together this wonderful poll. It is very interesting to see where people are from.

I think you should eliminate the answer: Why should I tell you?. I think that once people see this option they probably click it just for fun or to be funny and get to see the results. If this option was not there, I would imagine that most of the 10 people who answered it probably would have picked the right answer to get to see the poll results.

Just a thought.

Thanks for doing this.

If you like polls, try these: "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

*Cool*
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Review of Prince  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The poem would not be nearly as intriguing without the backstory. The backstory is very riveting and promises something spectacular, but then the poem did not deliver the spectacular as much as I expected.

The writing throughout is brilliant. You are a well establsihed writer, polished and honed, and you communicate clearly, vividly, and in a manner that is quite gripping.

I enjoy your work tremendously.

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool*
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
An absolutely gripping and riveting account and addition to the series about Lisa Lansing.

The poetry itself is very good. Not exceptional, but remarkable.

It is very difficult to make any kinds of editing suggestions regarding the poetry because this is supposed to be a poem written by someone presumed deceased, plus it is a part of your writings which profess to be based on true events, records, and accounts-- therefore, suggesting any editing changes to the poem is a moot point.

It is remarkably clean as it stands and either Lisa Lansing was quite an accomplished poet, or you, as the true author of this piece, have applied your expertise with language to the poem and that is why it is so well written.

Hence, the only thing I would say is, if you wrote this, perhaps you need to find ways to make it look more like the work of a desperate 21 year old girl with sketchy education and average ability with words, or you need to establish that Lisa Lansing is an exceptional communicator and quite accomplished writer and how she came to acquire or practice such a craft and art.

Absolutely fantastic work. You are a true gem to the writing community. I can hardly wait to read the entire installment.

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon 
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I enjoyed this poem very much. It has a nice homey and folksy tone to it and it flows well.

It is a longer poem, but since it is a story it needs to be longer.

One thing you might consider doing to make it appear shorter is to arrange the lines as couplets. For instance, in the first two stanzas you have:

out west of The Great Divide
where the summers dry & hot
where the Wiradjurie did reside
& where my dear mother's from

the Cudgegong River soothes it's way
as old Mount Frome looks on
he shakes a shiver they say for the day
he watched this story unfold

If you combined every other line it would look like this:

out west of The Great Divide where the summers dry & hot
where the Wiradjurie did reside & where my dear mother's from

the Cudgegong River soothes it's way as old Mount Frome looks on
he shakes a shiver they say for the day he watched this story unfold

That is just a suggested possibility for this story type poetry.

I also noted that you like to use the ampersand (&) instead of spelling out and. This seems like a "trademark" in your poetry, I have seen it in your other work. It is certainly okay to have a trademark, but just so you know how it came across to me, symbols remind me of advertising and office communications or shorthand and seem out of place in a homey, down-to-earth tale.

I love all the local place names and the vivid description of the area. I feel like I have visited this area after reading this and I also feel like I know your family.

The story drew me in and I enjoyed reading it very much. A great honor and tribute to the strength and resolve of your mother.

Some noted typos and other errors. In Stanza one, line 2, you have where the summers dry & hot. This should either be summer's (contraction for "summer is") or it should be summers are.

Second stanza, first line, it's should be its.

Fifth stanza, first line, for hours their daughter to visit was driving the phrasing is awkward. It would be better to say, for hours their daughter was driving to visit.

Stanza seven, second line needs a space after the comma, and in line four of this stanza it's should be its. You missed spaces after commas in a number of other places, so check for them all.

In stanza eight, line two you use the abbreviation Mt Frome but earlier you spelled out Mount Frome. You should pick one or the other for consistency. In line three, you have two dots. There is no such punctuation mark as two dots that I am aware of. It should be three dots which is officially called an ellipsis. Wherever else you have the two dots it should be changed to three.

In the fourteenth stanza, you should consider changing 5ft to 5 foot. I assume you want foot for the slant rhyme with took.

Stanza sixteen it's should be its/i} and in stanza seventeen, its' should be its.

Stanza nineteen, line four, no comma is needed after died.

Stanza twenty, line four, why is Babe/i} capitalized?

Stanza twenty-one, line one, since a girl of this tale I've known is awkward wording. Work something else out that is more natural.

Stanza twenty-four, line two, again, it's should be its.

Overall your rhymes and slant rhymes follow no set pattern. Sometimes you use an a-b-a-c rhyme pattern, other times you use a-b-a-b, others are a-b-a-c, still others are a-b-c-a, and you even vary from this.

A little bit of work on the rhyming with a set pattern and figuring out the general number of syllables you want for each line will strengthen this work immeasurably.

The heart, internal consistency, flow and pace are all remarkable and make this a very endearing piece. It does need some work on the structure, pattern, and technique employed.

A very wonderful read and heartening story. Great piece. Many kudos to you.

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool*
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Review of Critiqued  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a beautiful little short poem with a poignant message. You use some very unique punctuation in the poem and I am not sure if the extra space before the colon and semi-colon is intentional, but I have not seen that done before.

Also, I read the first line as Stripped and exposed, which is what I think you mean. If you do mean striped forgive me.

This poem is my fault, isn't it?

Very nicely done and it communicates the emotion well.

Great job.

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool*
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Review of The Letter  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very nice. I like the poem. It is short and succinct, says what it needs to say, and ends poignantly.

I have a few small suggestions to improve flow and remove a some unneeded words.

I wrote you a long letter, once
To say all I had longed to say
IBut couldn't read the words I wrote
And so I let it blow away.

I think this equalizes the beat and picks up the pace as well as rolling off the tongue a bit better.

Excellent short work. I love the short ones that make a powerful point.

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good riddens to time
Let it pass away
For then we'll have eternity.
                             ---DE Navarro

I loved your poem and the poetic response above is the requested mental response-- my final thoughts.

It was great how you focused on the positives in the final moments of time. Your poem is structured well and helps the reader to think about what he or she might think in the final moments of time.

Very thought provoking and positive without being preachy and peachy. Loved the setup of the final stanza and the double play on words.

Great work.

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of Red Currants  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
An excellent poem which says so much in so few words and builds a wonderful image for the reader to experience and enjoy.

The setup of the poem, structure and form, work well for these four lines. The second line urges us into the final two lines and this is done well.

One small point of confusion is given in the precious stone description of the brooch. Are these garnet stones or rubies? Both precious stones are used to describe the brooch/currants and both conjure a slightly different image that clashes a bit.

Perhaps one of the stones, probably the "ruby drops," should be changed to a color, such as: "Translucent sanguine drops..."

Excellent work. Thanks for sharing.
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Review of Before the Kiss  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow, you almost make the moment as long as it really seems when locked in the grip of its tantalizing anticipation.

I found this to be a very good attempt at capturing that moment before a first kiss.

Of course, my memories are filled with the fears that always accompanied that tension. Once I got over the fears, first kisses became easy and lost their intrigue.

Perhaps it is good to capture it in words so others may relive it.

You could probably boil this down just a bit to make it more poignant, but it is very good work and enjoyable. Thanks.

                   David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon *Cool*
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Review of Show Some Love  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Great idea and wonderful uplifting theme. In a day and time when darker themes seem to be the preferred choice, the bold, uplifting, positive pieces really stand out.

The language is good, but some of the grammar is forced to preserve the rhyming. This gives the poem an overall amateurish air. No sweat. One of the first challenges for new poets is to achieve a certain maturity of language and grammar. The only way to do that is to keep on writing and writing and writing.

You have an awesome start and it is obvious you can rhyme and you enjoy the flow of language, so work on making the lines speak more naturally, and your work will be immeasurably strengthened.

Thanks for sharing.

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