Wow, this was one dark piece. I wouldn't put his under Comedy though; nothing made me laugh, but the climax did loom at me with an evil grin :)
What I liked:
You've given your central character some real flesh and bone here. Very well done. I could feel his angst at being overshadowed by his twin in every sphere.
The dialogue is smooth and flows naturally.
And the climax! You pulled it off with style. Great work.
Suggestions:
In the initial part of the story, your dialogue tags were of the form 'said I' or 'said he'. These sounded repetitive and quite archaic as well. The standard 'I said' would do much better, or even better yet, use other words.
Absolutely loved this!
Until the last 5 lines, I was wondering why the story was put under the Comedy genre. Your climax put all my doubts to rest.
I liked the way you've described Humpty's inner dialogue; it makes the character much deeper than the one we have heard in the nursery rhyme. Excellent work.
Wow! This is a superbly written piece. Davy, take a bow!
Great content, great meter and fantastic rhyme. Each line just flowed into the next; I just breezed through the poem.
Especially loved these lines: An egg on sidewalks you can fry,
But that will happen when pigs fly.
Your bio block says your ultimate aim is to write humorous poetry and poetry for children. Guess you've already achieved that aim with poems like this.
Very well written. You have a knack for children's poetry. This was a fun easy read.
I have one grouse though. The transitions in the story seemed too abrupt. I think you can add a verse or two before the third and fourth verses.
What I liked:
The rhyme is consistent throughout the poem. The beauty lies in the simplicity of the piece, great work done there.
Suggestions:
Somehow the line 'My true intentions seal the deal' seems out of tune with the rest of the poem. You could use another word instead of 'deal'.
Overall opinion:
An excellent read. I think you can put a melody to the poem; it would sound nice.
Hello,
Saw your entry in "Invalid Item"
and boy, isn't it good?
What I liked:
The metaphors and similes you use are beautiful. I loved 'gleaming like rocks with a firefly's soul' and 'Fate was the hunter and gold was its bait.'
The common first and last verse worked well for me; kinda shows the characters languishing hopelessly.
Suggestions:
In the fifth verse, the rhyming with 'up' and 'cup' sounds forced. I'd suggest you change it.
Overall opinion:
A poem I enjoyed reading several times. Looking forward to more of your work.
Wow, this is a well written piece. Cheers.
You've done a great job. Every line is thoroughly emotive. I wonder if the sparrow is a metaphor for a person here.
Just one suggestion:
In the fifth verse, 'Fate’s Cruel Hand' is capitalized. I think you can have Fate in capitals, and the rest in lower case.
Thanks for sharing an awesome poem.
Regards,
Malcolm
Nice poem you have in here. I especially liked the first four verses, good rhyme and meter there. The latter half of the poem though, felt forced in rhyme.
I spotted a typo: In the last but second verse, the second line should be 'I beg you from the Lord'.
I think you need to have another revision with the latter half. Thanks for sharing.
First impression:
The title sounded mundane. The content however was refreshing.
What I liked:
The first three verses are fantastic. I loved the imagery in the third verse. Very well done.
Suggestions:
I found the fourth verse a little anticlimactic. The previous verses are active verses; they show something being done. The last verse breaks that flow.
Overall opinion:
The poem has a nice flow and sound. Kudos for writing about a routine event - the beginning of a week - with style.
Nice little twist at the end, but I'd like to see a more detailed version of this. 55 words seems too short for a story on time travel. In a longer version, you could explain the mechanism used for time travel.
What I liked:
The poem starts off with great promise. I liked the first two lines, they evoke strong emotion.
You have some strong lines thrown in between: Yells flying, bouncing unknown.
What I did not like:
The rest of the poem however did not live up to the beginning. I notice there's a period at the end of each line; I don't think you need a period after every line. Furthermore, this makes the poem stilted.
Suggestions:
I think you need to add some more powerful imagery (like the yells flying phrase). Also, the rhyme sounds forced after the first eight lines, maybe free verse would be a better option.
Overall opinion:
This is a decent start that can get better with some work.
Hello,
Thanks for sharing such a lovely poem. I liked the vivid description throughout the poem. The rhyme scheme too is consistent and compliments the poem very well.
What I did not like:
4th verse: and/or their ears as big "wing nuts".
'And/or' seems breaks the flow here. I'd prefere using only 'And'.
Other than that, this was a great read. Thanks for sharing.
Fantastic concept. Science fiction about the brain always fascinates me; you go a step further from conventional brain mapping stories with the addiction removal idea.
What I liked:
The terms you've coined - Colander, Automated Synaptic Reduction Program. Imaginative.
I also liked the vivid description of the process - the holograph, Jerry feeling the texture, the stimulation of the olfactory functions of the brain. Good attention to detail.
Nitpicks: He sat strapped to the chair like a cartoon character, captured by the enemy.
Difficult to picture a cartoon character captured by the enemy and strapped to a chair. You could do with a different simile.
A lab-coated man walked in and began to loosen the straps on the chair.
lab-coated isn't a word, so you could use 'man in a lab coat'. I know this would take the word count above 300; perhaps you could cut words somewhere else.
Maybe this sentence “Will there be any side affects?” could be shortened to “Any side affects?”
Final Comments:
An imaginative read with the science made reasonably plausible. Great work.
Neat. I am a sci-fi fan and found this prologue interesting enough to make me read the novel.
I had a problem understanding this sentence : The war, suppressed by the impending end and the Earth doomed for thousands of years of lifelessness, the colonies opened to the people of the world to escape to.
I think you have missed out a verb there; could be a typo, for the sentence did not make sense.
Another thing I noticed were the several advances in technology - space tourism, nuclear power, genetic engineering, medical science, agriculture - you have mentioned. I'd advise you to mention them only in passing and elaborate only one or two areas (in your case space travel is the dominant one) throughout the book.
Overall you have a great setting for a SF novel. All the best.
What I liked:
The poem has a great depth to it. I liked that you chose a seldom used word - fornever - as your theme.
There is some powerful imagery here with leaking faucets and drowning floors metaphor. Very well done.
What I did not like:
The red is seeping,
and pumped the landlord to my door.
These lines seemed to jump out of nowhere. I tried reading the poem again, but still could not figure out what you intend by the above lines.
Suggestions and Corrections:
There were a few punctuation errors. The last but second line should be Where's my last ration? In the last line, replace the double quote with a single quote as you have used the latter throughout the poem.
Overall opinion:
I liked the rich imagery in the poem. With a little editing, the poem could get even better.
Hi Cyntrolliam,
I'm writing this review as part of Spidey's "Invalid Item"
What I liked:
I liked your first verse. It sets the tone for the rest of the poem.
What I did not like:
There are a few phrase that leave me confused. I don't know what you mean by 'white stature', more so because a few lines later you mention 'jet black in the ranks'. There is a contradiction here; I wonder if it's intentional. Even then, it does add to the poem.
In your final line 'three clocks, reaped asunder', it's not clear what the clocks refer to.
Suggestions:
You can work on making a few of the metaphors a little more precise. As I've mentioned earlier, they seem to be too vague right now.
You need to add an apostrophe in the fourth line of the first verse :King Grim hunts for what's rightfully owned.
Overall opinion:
I think the imagery is too cloudy in places. Yet, overall your poem creates a vivid image. And yes, the title is awesome.
Keep writing and sharing.
Regards,
Utopian
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