I was intrigued by the title of Milly and Questions. Along with the description, I just had to read on.
First Impression
I enjoyed this story very much. It was very descriptive of emotion, which I liked. Certain conventions of writing apply to most written stories. This was spaced out well and easy to read. Thanks for that!Three girls that were kidnapped without probable cause was
quite scary. The author shows the aftermath of such a traumatizing experience quite well.
Suggestions
Overall, this story holds a great substance for a great short story. I feel this story is built on sentiment, creating a general experience.
I suggest when using in thought or texting, you should use bold italics. This allows the reader to read with a flow. I found I had to reread a couple of times to understand the two taking back and forth on the phone.
I also suggest that punctuation should be used in a way that allows the reader to have a smooth read. There are many periods in this story. Too many stops. We don't want run-on sentences either but there is a common ground. I do hope you take a look at this, because it will change your story quite a bit.
I didn't understand when the author wrote, "Not from using the power?" What power are we talking about? Was there a sequel to this or a prequel? I feel as though I missed something here.
Final Thoughts
This really was a great story. I wish to read again if you make changes to the suggestions. Remember, this is your story, and you don't have to change a thing. Keep Writing! Thanks for sharing!
~Lifelessons~
This title drew me in right away. I love words and how they play on our tongues. I enjoy prose very much, and wrote a couple myself. When I saw this title in prose, I was excited.
First Impression
I loved every word of this piece. It carried a beautiful flow of how words affect us daily. It reminded me of journaling when I was very young. I always loved to place my words on paper.
The purpose of prose is to stay poetic without the form flow. This is exactly that, and with so many conventions to bring it to emotion.
My Favorite Line
They showed up in the quiet places where life felt too heavy to carry alone, and in the louder moments when I needed somewhere to set the truth down before it slipped away.
I started to write quite young, and words for me were exactly this. I have journals, for every day in those fifteen years. Full of emotions, during times of grief, happiness, and anger. This line really brought me back to the beginning of my journey.
Final Thoughts
Thank you for the reminder. I do believe I need to get my journal out again. It feels like that was the beginning of my writing, and I think I should hold on to that.
A great read indeed! Thank you so much for sharing! Keep Writing!
~Lifelessons~
I have to say that this title really drew me in. I love lighting and how it plays on the windows, through the trees and dances around in the wind. I also wrote a poem about light from morning to dawn. It was one of my first poems I wrote here on the site.
First Impression
This poem brought me back to the heat of August. That time of year when it can get so hot; the sky turns color leading into the evening. The linger of swirling clouds holding the colors of heat. This poem really grabbed me and the conventions you used really resonated with the image.
My Favorite Lines
The porch boards creak beneath me,
remembering footsteps
that no longer climb these stairs.
The air tastes of endings,
of words that landed wrong
and love that thinned to thread.
I really don't have any suggestions here. You did a great job with conventions, grammar, and punctuation. It really is a heartfelt piece of poetry.
Thank you so much for sharing!! Once again~ keep writing!
~Lifelessons~
Hello Ju-Ju My name is ~Lifelessons~ and I found this story on the read and review page.
Title
When I read Spoiler in the title, I imagined you were giving something away in the story. I am unsure if that really happened.
Structure
I would take another look at sentence structure, grammar, and sentence spacing. The story is bunched together, making it hard to make sense of the storyline.
Example
You wrote:
"The sky. And the water's down," Desdemona replied wistfully. "I don't know where my heart is, though. I woke up, and the heaviness had left. It's like someone removed while I slept." Odysseus just smiled and looked at his friend.
"What were your dreams like?" Odysseus asked slyly.
I suggest:
"The sky-and the water's down," Desdemona replied wistfully.
"I don't know where my heart is, though. I woke up, and the heaviness had left. It's like someone removed everything while I slept."
Odysseus asked slyly, "What were your dreams like?" Holding a trickery in his voice.
Spacing is important when delivering a story. This is an introduction to a longer story, I imagine. So the opening is very important. You want your reader to be able to imagine this in their mind.
The touch
feel
taste
see
are all conventions of a great story.
All Over Thoughts
If this were going to be a longer story, I would build your characters with strength. Be sure to introduce a back story, leading to conflict, plot, and resolution.
If you choose to revise this piece, I would love to read it again.
Keep Writing
~Lifelessons~
A very suitable title for this piece. Anything can happen in a minute. It grabbed me to read the story, because of it's telling convention.
I enjoyed the abstract theory of writing this. Within a minute, this character is in conflict. Although the resolution is left to the reader, I understand this was for a contest.
Using language, setting and, the process of how the character is thinking, pulls the reader into a great moment of his life.
When I use such language, which I do. I often get criticized, but that doesn't stop me. You want the reader to feel his frustration, or fear. That is just what I would have said.
Over All Thoughts
I enjoyed the read and I think this could be a longer story if you chose to do so. A lot told in a minute.
Hello Jacky my name is ~Lifelessons~ and I came across this short story in the read and review tool.
Title
After reading the story, I giggled because I know many people who hate small talk. I can be a gabber, so it's a good thing we don't work together. On the other hand, I have a friend who hates gabby people, yet we get along famously. I think it's because we respect for one another. I know when not to bother her, and she knows if we go out, we are gabbing.
First Impression
The first two sentences did grab me. It set the mood for the character. Not wanting to get up and face the day. Not wanting to go to work in an environment full of phony people.
As I read on, I was stuck on some of the visuals. These conventions of writing are most important for the reader.
I understood how the character was feeling, but I couldn't get a visual.
I enjoyed the first-person narrator. This can be harder than people think. Great job on that one. The conflict resides with the main character; throughout the story.
A resolution being the character is willing to put up with gabbing to keep her job.
Over All Thought
I enjoyed reading this story, and it made me think of a few people I know. It's not easy being a person who doesn't interact well with others.
Hello Jacky my name is ~Lifelessons~ and I came across this poem in Read and Review.
The Title
I would say the title is very suitable. You could have gone many routes with this title.
My First Impression
A very cute little story of a girl camper. Her obsession with being nosy; gets her into a moment of panic. After she is found, she get's into trouble and kept her last little secret to herself.
Conventions I Would Suggest
When speaking as a first-person thought, it is best to use italics so the reader can read it as a thought of character. The introduction could be a little more telling. Something that grabs the attention of reader. More emotion and imagery would be a great place to start.
Conventions of writing are something we learn along the way.
Over All Thoughts
Very cute story. I enjoyed the conflict and the resolution. There was a rise and fall to her desperation. The resolution wasn't really on her side, but she was found.
Thank you for sharing and keep writing!
~Lifelessons~
You have described my fear as well. They are creepy and you never know where they will climb out of. I have a few stories that left me paralyzed. My son, however loves them and studies them and thinks my fears are nonsense.
Great rhyme scheme in this with the use of punctuation. I love that. I followed through with no hiccups.
I love the title! The world is always awake somewhere, but if I have those few moments in my own silence, I take it. That whiff of morning coffee, the windows open with the birds singing sets my mood for the day.
Over All Thoughts
A great little piece that reminds us to take those precious moments and hold on to them. It sets the mind to clarity for the day.
I didn't see any errors, maybe a couple of typos. You will see them yourself if you re-read it.
Thank you so much for sharing! Keep Writing!
~Lifelessons~
Oh-the broken heart! I have written many of these. The title is quite suited for this poem. A structured piece of ABAB that speaks to the broken-hearted.
A nice flow of stanzas with great patterns of stressed and unstressed syllables. I love metaphors and I see this consistently throughout this piece.
A nice use of punctuation that allows the reader to pause, acknowledge the emotions written.
Imagery is a very important convention when writing. This allowed me, as the reader to form an image in my mind.
There are many more conventions to poetry that we learn as we write more. You have demonstrated the use of many in this piece. Nice Job!
Over All Thoughts
I really enjoyed this poem as many can relate to it. I have written a few myself of the broken heart. I believe I am getting to know you as a writer. Hoping to read more! Thanks for sharing and please keep writing!
Well I think many people will relate to this piece. The pretending in exhausting at best. Not my scenario but I know a few that are going through this right now. Yet these words can relate to other things as well. People who struggle with anything that is life-altering. Illness, financial ect. We all have to pretend and put on that smile. Heart break can be one of the worst.
I thought you pulled this together well. As this is a free verse form of poetry. Not many rules, but I would change a couple of punctuations here to really relay the emotion to the reader.
If I may show you an example
You wrote
I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not—
until a song says your name,
until a stranger wears your cologne,
until your eyes give you away again.
I suggest
I will be just fine-
pretending I am not.
Until a song says your name,
until a stranger wears your cologne;
until your eyes give you away again.
The semicolon is helpful in run-on sentences. It really gives the reader a breath as they read on. "until" to something else. There are tools such as thesaurus. A great tool to use expressive words. That is the joy of writing! word play!
All Over Thoughts
I enjoyed this piece as it sets an emotion that is easily felt. I believe if you choose to revise it, this poem will shine.
Hello Melody My name is ~Lifelessons~ and I found this story or introduction on the read and review tool.
First Impression
Wouldn't it be wonderful to start fresh! Build a new economy; where everyone has a place to live. It's a great idea, and personally, I would make a dream board about this very thing.
You have a great idea here that, if explored, your story could only advance.
Over All Thoughts
I believe this is a thought more than a story. When writing, we tend to want to get that idea out there, which is very important. I usually store it away and work through it. Re-read it myself before posting. Maybe look at punctuation and sentence structure. Very important to proofread.
I love the concept and would love to read it again if you choose to revise it. Don't discouraged about writing. It's a process and it can get frustrating at times.
Hello Dave My name is ~Lifelessons~ and I came across this story in your portfolio.
First Impression
I was 1captured by the setting and imagery. Not surprised as you are so good with words. It held my interest all the way through the storyline. The conflict of the main character not having a social life. Another conflict of his new date with new ideas.
I enjoyed the party surroundings very much. It was a great touch. I couldn't imagine being in a party like this after a boring day to day cycle of loneliness.
When the author describes the mall setting, I chuckled because I do this very thing. Watch the people and make remarks in my head. It can be entertaining.
Over All Thoughts
A nice delivery on this story. I enjoyed the read very much. I found no errors as the author delivered it on point.
Thanks so much for the read!!
~Lifelessons~
Hello Wendopolis Happy Anniversary!! my name is ~Lifelessons~ and I found this in the your portfolio.
First Impression
Well, well, well! Daddy didn't hold back now did he? I couldn't imagine sitting there waiting on edge. The main character sure knew what her father was all about. She seems like a girl with zero fear.
The father really seemed like a rough character. He probably never saw much of his kids and this was a fear factor, on his part.
Who would have the nerve? I don't think I would stand a chance.
Over All Thoughts
Nicely presented! It held my attention to the end ! The conflict was certainly there. I only saw one minor typo and I am sure if you re-read it you will see it.
For a short story you sure did pull together many strengths. It was a pleasure to read and held good imagery, anticipation and resolve.
Well, this guy has been through it hasn't he. There are jobs that are enjoyable and some that are not. This being one of them. This is definitely a great tale of science fiction. A lot of strengths in the main character. He gets himself deep into a case that he wasn't looking for. I noticed many conflicts in this short story with little resolution.
Towards the end there still is no resolve. The story hits a peak and goes back into conflict. I would consider this an abstract theory of writing. Sometimes it works and other times it does not.
Suggestions
I enjoyed the introduction of the main character. I believe the author wanted him a bit shabby. Maybe the slang of English gave me that idea. However, you might have over done it here. A lot of "sayin" or "nd". I kind of understand why you did this, but it is over stimulating to read. I would maybe tone that down. A few run on sentences and misuse of punctuation.
Over All Thoughts
I would consider revising this story. Spend some time with your main character and show him rather than telling. As you wrote this first person, I was impressed. Build his character and as a writer we really need to pay attention to our imagery.
If you ever decide to revise this piece, I would certainly take another look.
Thanks for sharing ! Keep writing!
Hello TeeGateM! My name is ~Lifelessons~ and I came across this great little story in the read and review tool. I had to read!
First Impression
This warmed my heart. The time spent in another world to help is something I would have loved to do. Well written story based on journals. A bit of a family gem. I love journaling and hopefully one day, someone will read them and know who I was.
I saw no mistakes as far and punctuation or grammar. Well written and held my attention through to the end. It's a personal story and I noticed you wrote it with your heart.
Over All Thoughts
Thank you so much for the read! I hope to see more of your stories along the way. Keep Writing !
Hello To you Shepard My name is ~Lifelessons~ and I came across this piece in the Read and Review tool.
First Impression
This is a nightmare I wouldn't want to have every night. At first I thought it had to do with love. A thirst for a love that the demon couldn't have. Rightfully so I would say.
As I read through, I could see this was death. A creeping shadow that was engulfing a life. I also see the main character battling with taking his own life. Correct me if I am wrong. Reading poetry allows the reader to take from it what they will.
I also noticed you used free verse written poetry. Free verse doesn't have many rules but it holds some convention that makes it a little harder than most think.
Suggestions
I mentioned conventions of poetry and I would like to give you examples of what I mean.
You wrote
And it is a primal hunger
Powerful
Fierce
Like a beast, long bested in his hunt
hungry, and desperate, and knowing all it needs
yet unable to quench that well known fire that burns within
despite his strength and skill
by things like circumstance and season
which no force on earth can best
and so he quells the pains of hunger by strength of mind
and slowly paces
back and forth
and bides his time
I suggest
It is a primal hunger;
Powerful-
Fierce!
Like a beast-long besting his hunt.
Hungry and desperate; knowing it's needs.
Despite his strength and skill
by thing like circumstance 'n season.
There is no force on earth can best.
He quells the pains-
of hunger by strength of mind,
'n slowly paces-
back and forth,
abiding his time.
Just by adding some punctuation and moving some words into the next line, there is a story told. The reader now can feel the writers emotions being conveyed.
There are conventions that most of us writers aren't even aware of, even as we use them.
Over All Thoughts
I enjoyed the read, though it is quite dark yet very poetic. I did however have to read it a couple of times to grasp the author's thoughts. If you decide to revise this piece, I would enjoy reading it again.
Hello Rich my name is ~Lifelessons~ and I want to wish you happy anniversary! I came across this poem in you portfolio.
First Impression
A poem dedicated to your love. This poem is filled with emotion and filled with metaphors. I love that! What is poetry without conventions. A nice feel good poem. One I am sure your love appreciated.
My Thoughts
There are so many ways to write poetry. I see here you chose a Monorhyme. This is when each line in each stanza ends with the same rhyme.
You have used Alliteration, Assonance, and few other conventions. These are the tools that make the read smooth for the reader.
Another way to keep the flow in poetry is to use the same syllable count in each line. Some lines can be adjusted by taking away unnecessary words or adding to.
I also like to use punctuation to allow the reader to take a breathe, or feel the emotions the writer is portraying.
This poem is written with enjambment. There is no punctuation.. and you don't need to.
These are only my thoughts as this is your poem and you are the author. I am only giving advice.
Hello Revone Happy Anniversary!! My name is ~Lifelessons~ and I came across this poem in your portfolio.
First Impression
You capture the moment we realize we are not children anymore. We are adults and sometimes we don't want to let go. Life can throw some hard balls at us and if we don't learn to throw them back we lose out on making it to first base. Metaphorically speaking of course.
To remember life when it was simple is something we all struggle with, yet it keeps us grounded.
Structure
I see this as a free verse poem. You are the author so you do this as you want. These are only suggestions as a writer myself.
Free verse doesn't have many rules, but I would like to suggest using punctuation. It allows the reader to feel the emotion and gives the read a smoother relation to the poem.
I did enjoy some of the poetic conventions that you did use. Most of the time as new writers we don't even realize the conventions we use are crucial.
Final Thoughts
If you ever decide to rewrite this piece using conventions and punctuation, I would love to read it again. Thank you so much for sharing.
First of all, your wife has the same name as myself. This was a great read that I know all too well about. I also have Fibro along with other medical issues. I relate one hundred percent. You wrote this from the heart which tells me you and your wife are meant to be.
I am also lucky to have my husband. He is very supportive and always there to help.
Descriptive Writing
You really gave me a visual to the struggle. All forms, between your wife holding her smile to helping others regardless. I am much the same way. When you go to touch her and she says, "Don't, it hurts." I
felt that.
Over All Thoughts
This was very well written. I enjoyed that you took the time to become knowledgeable about your wife's illness. Allowing others to read and become aware of this horrible chronic disorder.
Due to my own devil in disguise, I have fallen away from my writing but coming back around. So thank you for that!
Hello Cynaemon my name is ~Lifelessons~ and I came across this poem in Read and Review. Welcome to the May event honoring Mona!!
The Title
I have a thing for mice. Even though they are pesky lil critters, I am drawn to their strength to survive. We found a few in our garage this winter and I had to save a couple. Did I do them justice? Probably not, it was very cold out.
My First Impression
I enjoyed the personification used in this little story. The love for mice from a cat's point of view. My son's cat Nook found a couple this winter and she had fun. I can tell you that. She was so proud to plunk them at our feet by morning.
The idea of a cat eating a mouse kind of grosses me out. I thought they would just play with them til doomsday.
Great spacing which made for an easy read. I only really noticed a few grammar errors. Excessive use of and. The word "or" is a bit overdone. Otherwise, I enjoyed this story very much!
Over All Thoughts
I believe this story could be a little longer or an intro to a series of events from the cat's point of view. It could be really fun. Having a cat myself, I could only imagine.
Thanks for sharing and Keep Writing!
Hello Siobhan Falen my name is ~Lifelessons~ and I came across this story in Read and Review. Welcome to the May event honoring Mona!!
The Title
Oh- the sea maiden!! I love the title and my imagination takes over!
My First Impression
What a conflict this maiden was in. She is tormented by the choices that she made. A lonely maiden in the sea but love takes her away and now she struggles with her choice. She would love to swim in the ocean again and communicate with her own. Her heart breaks and she tends to stand by her man.
The Devices That Inspired Me
The story takes off with a great conflict! She is face to face with the unknown. The very one that will take her away from her only home. She thrives in the new world, only to slowly miss what she owned. Her self and her own sense of freedom. The story goes on without a heightened plot, only to come to realize what she misses. The end has no conflict, yet it leaves one to ponder about missed flocking.
I Would Suggest
There are only a couple of typos that I am sure you will notice if you re-read this story. I enjoyed the initial storyline but I felt it was told more than felt. Sometimes we can word things a bit too flowery and it takes away from the point of the story. It wasn't hard to understand the just of it and I enjoyed that part. The in-between had me lost. I wanted more and it seemed to skip over the true heartache of the maiden. I hope I explained myself clearly here. There seemed to be too much conflict to start and not enough romance. This would be the intent of heartbreak. I would think it would be very important to the reader to feel this.
Over All Thoughts
I really enjoyed this story and I feel if you revised it, it could be a great heartache for both. Maybe after a love-filled year, she does go back, only to revisit her love. Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!!
Hello Beholden my name is ~Lifelessons~ and I came across this story in Read and Review. Welcome to the May event honoring Mona!!
The Title
Memory Calls on all of us I suppose!
My First Impression
This story held a great visual for me as the writer goes down memory lane. It started out as a beautiful experience. As I read on to the birds in the cove, I grew more intrigued. As the writer finds something unknown being eaten by birds.
Writing in Theory
Some writers stick to the module of Conflict, crisis, and resolution. However, I tend to lean toward the linear module. I don't think there is always a rule to a good story. This story portrays an epiphany for me. In the end out of now where he jumps. Something else to feed the birds. All memories rested on the damp sands of the cove. That got me! Nothing, in the beginning, would have made me think the main character would have done this. I loved the twist!!
Over All Thoughts
I have nothing to offer here for suggestions. You followed the rules of the contest and I enjoyed it very much as an overall read. It held my attention with a smooth read. The visual was great as I was right there with the character and somehow felt responsible that he jumped. Great Job! Thanks for sharing and Keep Writing!
Hello Jim my name is ~Lifelessons~ and I came across this poem in Read and Review.
The Title
The Jester's Father really had me intrigued. A decision to be made that would change everything.
My First Impression
Oh if I knew I could make this choice, I would have done the same. Nobody should have to watch their child suffer through life. My son has had a disease for most of his life, and if I could change that I would in a heartbeat.
Quite emotional as the poet describes the ache in one's heart and the notion that if he could trade places he would.
Not expecting an unknown voice to answer his plea. He doesn't hesitate, knowing he made the right compromise.
The Muses That Inspired Me
I enjoyed the stanzas in couplets very much. Great word choices were made to convey the emotional trauma in the father's heart. I noticed Alliteration throughout as well as metaphor. It's amazing as we take a simple thought and it turns into art with the use of devices. I would consider this a blank verse type of poetry. Without the Iambic meter held within the stanzas. I read each line that held an 11 to 12-syllable count.
It held a good rhythm for the most part.
Conventions I Would Suggest
This is only a suggestion because this is your poem. I kind of stumbled on this line.
Home again, he hugged his wife; whispered, “I love you so.”
I suggest
He later hugged his wife 'n said, "I love you so."
This little change holds onto the meter you started off with and keeps in tune with the rhythm.
Over All Thoughts
Thank you for sharing and I must read the other poems related to this character. Keep Writing!! Thanks for sharing
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