I was caught immediately in this story of a journey onto self. The story flowed well and moved right along. The use of Little Bear as the guide was a good choice and the wisdom that shines through this piece is sincere. The story is moved forward by the excellant use of dialogue. I found it believeable. The setting was easy to imagine. The charecters well fleshed out. Good reading and good writing. I saw no errors. Lin
This is a very clever retelling of the Sleeping Beauty story. The author has a good sense that is evident throughout the story. The use of mordern language adds to the humorous aspect. There are some things that need editing:
awakened not awaken
"enter a teen" not "came"
"There isn't anything" not "aren't"
gold not golds
"go prepare for..." add "for"
"to go to her room" added "go to"
"the King enters" not "came"
"all the spinning..." add "the"
"happens" not "happen"
"Where?" delete the exclaimation mark you used here and in other places. You do not use that right after a ?
"takes" not "took"
"Turns" not "turned"
"holds" not "held"
"lettering" not "letter"
"prince kisses" not "kissed"
"says" not "said"
"poses" not "posed"
"falling" not "fell"
"didn't" not "don't"
"...do that?!" drop the exclaimation mark.
"Shakes" head not "shook"
"we must hurry" not "be hurry"
"Yanks the Price" not "yanked"
"Haven't you" not "Don't"
"I would never...have come here" added "have"
"It is dusty" not "becomes"
"sad" not "set"
"real prince comes" not "came"
All stage directions should be written as if they are happening at this moment, as far as I know. This is a clever retelling. Good writing. Lin
I liked the theme of this story and it's resolution. The story flows fairly well and certainly moves along. The dialogue helps push the story forward and is believeable. There could be some more description of how the charecters appear. The story needs some editing. These are the errors I would correct:
"It seemed like our lives at that time..." add "at".
"Yep...at that time..." add "at"
Instead of crept on, I would suggest maybe "flowed through".
"...a very typical..." drop "a".
"...who knows, he might love you...." add "might.
"focus more on friends..." add "on"
grownups is one word.
two not 2
"...a hypocrite..." add "a"
I am not sure why you typed ":P".
"...you'll like..." not "you".
"..., said Ashley..." small "s". This happens alot when you have dialogue.
"...the sociology..." add "the"
"to boot" not "to boost".
"...a lesson" add "a"
" we could have done it".
"just had" not "have".
"football" needs a small "f"
"...as Debbie clung to Sandy's arm..." changed to "clung to."
"a tear. add "a".
"...disappear right then" not "that very time.
flirting not flirted.
"I'm supposed..."
"clinging to Sandy's arm..."
leave not left
"...surprizing Ashley..." not resulting in Ashley's surprize.
"books and stuff" not "stuffs".
"always haunted..." not haunt.
"...faced him." Drop the words "standing right in front of me.
"got" not "gotta"
"asked" not "indicated".
This story could shine with some editing. I loved the song and the way you worked it into the story. Keep writing. Lin
I got a good laugh out of this at the end of the story. The story flowed well and moved right along. The author builds good tension and we feel the fear and uncertainty created. The twist at the end is good and a fun solution to a problem that has plagued many parents. I have one suggestion on the sentence; "She tried to...her mind, but..." I added a comma. Good writing. Lin
I always wondered what you guys were doing in the back. I find it sacrier to know. This was a look inside the world of the McDonald's crew. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I like the author's sense of humor. I have to say that my favorite is the Christmas song. This flows well and moves right along. You need to correct the words "on the" in paragraph one. Otherwise, I though this was funny. Thanks for sharing that information. Lin
This was a fast but good read. The author can really pack alot of a story into a few short words. We find out that the main charecter is self-righteous. egotistical, greedy, corrupt and a murderer. The author manages all that with just good word choices and minimal dialogue. Well done. I saw only one error. There is a period missing after the word "anyone". Thanks for a good read. Lin
I think that this was a good poem about something that happens to many of us from time-to-time. Frankly, I think it is a good thing and I like the way the author addressed the subject. The poem flows well and moves along nicely. The author has done a good job of coveying their feelings. Good writing. Lin
I enjoyed this poem. I was nodding my head in agreement all the way through my reading. The poem flows well and moves right along. I settled easily into a rhythm. I had a good mental picture going and I love the way you went from being rude to being nice and back again. Two suggestion: You might want to use color for the response and you saw "in my turned back, like my ex-wife." But then in the response you say "She uses me..." This breaks up the continuity. Should that be "he"?
Otherwise, I bow to the author. I enjoyed this read. Lin
This is a wonderful piece by an eloquent author. I was moved by what I read. I can understand wanting to share with your daughter and being afraid of what you are sharing at the same time. This piece flows well and moves right along. I did not falter in my reading anywhere. Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us. You thoughts will stay with me. I wonder if you have ever read anything by the author Chaim Potok? I saw no errors. Well done! Lin
This is such a great idea. The page is well presented and was to understand. No one can complain because anyone can enter. The rules are all laid out so there is no reason to feel confused. I hope that you get loads of entries. The Image you included is very good. Well done. Lin
What a wonderful idea. For a minute there I thought I pushed a really wrong key on my keyboard. So now I am really happy to know that you pushed the key and that it is the Writing.com birthday. This page is well presented and definitely in birthday mode. Fun for everyone to share in. Happy Birthday Writing.com! Lin
Well done lenny666: This made me laugh. It is so ture of a few people I know. The piece flows well and moved right along. The subject is one of the things I tend to ignore in friendship. Eveyone has their quirks and this one is annoying but I try to take the good with the bad. I saw no errors I would suggest correcting. Lin
Well said. Well spoken. I think that we should all be members of NAG. This piece is another humorous offering from the author. This time it is on grammer errors. I hope that I am making fewer than I normally do. The story flows well and moves along quickly. The ending is a surprize. The author has a valid reason for this rant. Well done. I saw no errors. Lin
This is a good poem that goes a long way towards describing what the author experiences. You do get that world turned upside down feeling from the well chosen words. The poem flows well and moves along rapidly. I felt some of the craziness. On a much milder basis I long for the summer sun. I have also lived with someone dear to me who was bi-polar. This is a must read for anyone interested in trying to understand the problem. Well done. I saw no errors. Lin
This was a funny rendition of the author's own "Night before Christmas." We are long since past the old version. I had no trouble imagining this scenario. I could just picture the poor teenager on the phone - cringing. It has a happy ending though, so I was pleased. We all get silly and that is part of the fun of the holiday. This piece flowed pretty well and moved right along. I saw one error: first line X-mas. You have X-Mass. I am wondering if that should be changed. I could be wrong and I bow to the author. Lin
I was captured immediately by the first line of this poem. The poem settles easily into it's rhythm and then flows well and moves right along. Think that my only wish woulld be that the poem was longer and abit more descriptive. Otherwise I enjoyed this and there were no spelling or grammer errors that I noticed. Lin
This short story has a very good twist. It flows well and moves right along. The decription of the change is very good. I never saw what was coming and I was caught up in the story, right from the beginning. I liked the theme and will look to read more of the author's writings. I saw no obvious errors. Good writing. Lin
This was a well written story about death. The author does a good job of catching the disbelieving greif that one can experience on the death of a beloved family member. I liked tht the setting was the church and that all it once stood for was reversed for the main charecter. The story flows well and moves right along. A good read that I enjoyed throughly. There were no obvious errors. Lin
I found this article interesting and informative. I would urge others o have a look at it and see if what this author is saying is appropriate to the reviewing that they are doing. I think that new members of our community would benefit from reading this becuase then need to understand what reviewing is really about. The suggestions would help them to form their own reviewing technique. I will be using this article as a reference to try to stay on track with my own reviewing. Lin
I found this article on the Author Newsletter this week. It is an excellant lesson on learning to use good word choices when writing. I learned quite alot from my reading and will be printing this on and putting it in my "how to" file. Another good offering from this author. Lin
I really enjoyed this story. It flows well and moves right along and I liked the theme of the story. It captured my attention quickly, built up good suspense and I found this a believeable ending. It also gave me that creepy, bite my lip, look around feeling. the author does a good job describing the anguish and disbelief the woman was feeling. Well done. Lin
What wonderful imagery this piece has. I felt swamped and overwhelmed just as the author wishe. And I only felt sorted out when I did as the author asked and looked ahead. This piece is composed really well. I liked the theme and the conclusion. A couple of suggestion:
First paragraph: "begins not begin
"...seems an impossible task." not the impossible
"...into your mind" not you
Some of the authors sentences might benefit from being broken into two.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this. Good writing. Lin
This was really creepy! I loved it. The story definitely had my skin crawling and my mind racing at all the possibilites. The story flows well and moves right along. It builds real suspense. The charecters are pretty well fleshed out. Especialy the dentist. I have a few corrections but it was hard to concentrate on them as the story was so good.
1. "that would soon..." would not will here
2. "...last sentence." "He began...and to take labored breaths." I broke this one long sentence into two sentences and I dropped the second "began".
Otherwise, this was a good story and well worth reading! Well done! Lin
This is my last review for this port in this go round. I liked this poem but again I think that it needs something more. Especially as reference to the title. Also in the line "You view of what I should be..." Should that be "your view"? I would like to see the author do abit more with this and if you do I'd love to read it again. I think you need to build from the last stanza. Remember that I am far from an expert. Lin
This was a good poem of only a few words about never taking a chance. It follows the theme pretty well but I would like to see the author expound abit more on the nature of being hidden. Now might be a good time to mention that I am far from an expert on poetry. I did like this but not as much as other poems offered in this port. I hesitate to correct poetry but I think it does need something more. I am not sure what to suggest. Lin
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