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Review of Am I Trending?  
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
I found this looking for a short story in static items.

There's a lot to like here! The idea of social media degrading empathy, disconnecting people from reality and each other, and being used by the predatory to sell themselves, pain repackaged as a commodity, etc.

All very timely.

I live in NYC and see people experiencing mental health events all the time; we look away and hurry along, eager to let it be someone else's problem. I don't think I've ever seen someone filming it, but that's likely because there's often a sense of menace when someone's acting irrationally. Someone in crisis, dodging between speeding cars is a legit striking and upsetting image--well done!

I also liked the poetic way it was written; a little florid, but eh. That kind of story. If it had gone on longer I think I'd have lost patience with it, but for a short piece it was fine.

I wasn't, unfortunately, as taken with the main character influencer. Between the name (I assume a biblical allusion to a prototypical sexy-evil woman?) and her fairly standard characterization of a female-coded influencer (hypocritical, attention-seeking, calculated manipulation, etc.) it all felt pretty standard / stereotypical.

There are moments in the beginning before the narration is captured by Insta-Girl and sort of zeroes in on her and her story where the villain of the piece wasn't one girl, but really, the rest of us, glued to our screens, unwilling to look up or get involved.

I liked that--and it felt more authentic than centering on the dastardly sexy lady.

Since she gets pretty much all the action and to the extent we get anyone's interior life it's hers, it's her story.

I still have no idea what running-dude was up to--at the end the narrator says he's trying to remind us we're still alive... but is he? Why would I see that? Assume that?

It kind of felt like the narrator was doing the same thing Insta-girl is doing: using some guy's mental-health crisis to frame their narrative about what's going on in society, except the narrator's clearly incredibly unsympathetic to Jess and doesn't seem especially interested in running guy.

I could see an interpretation where the narrator is -- intentionally -- doing the same thing they condemn Insta-girl for doing -- using a guy in crisis to make a statement about the world without really caring about them or being interested in them (even from a curiosity standpoint) beyond, 'how can I use this image for my agenda.'

In that version, the narrator would be (inadvertently) condemning himself while pursing whatever he has against the influencer--I think that could be cool if done with the right light-touch; this version of the story didn't really capture that for me, but it might be an interesting avenue to pursue in a rewrite?
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Ha ha! I wish I could say I saw it coming, but even with the intro warning it was all a big pun, I still groaned at the end--I did not match the names to the reference.

So well, done, I guess?

For what it's worth, the story worked reasonably well as a Christmas fable with larger-than-life archetypical characters who exist to play their melodramatic parts with a satisfying, if predictable payload.

Using <description>-face to communicate expressions got the job done especially since expressions are notoriously hard to describe effectively. For a light piece, it felt appropriate--although by the 4th time I thought it might have been deployed once too often.

Otherwise, yeah--ha-ha! Nice little story.
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
I found this looking for short fiction in new static items.

I like (and sometimes write!) political science fiction, and I liked the blasts from the past--Crenshaw! Boehner! Verisimilitude!

Time travel is a little trickier since it inevitably raises a bunch questions about what's possible and what isn't, but I don't generally mind it, especially when the story doesn't really try to get into the details as this one didn't.

FRAGMENTS HARD TO FIGURE OUT
This seemed to be a fragment of a longer work so I wasn't surprised at not being sure exactly what I was reading. The diction and flow was clear and the action / characters were easy to follow, so I wasn't exactly lost.

I just wasn't sure what to make of it--which is fine. I read a few pages from the middle of a story; I wouldn't expect to lock in on everything.

That said, I did read it, so I can give you what reactions I had.

POLITICAL, BUT WHAT PERSPECTIVE?
Political fiction is pretty much always a comment on the current day but this didn't really feel that way; it's set in the past so references to American Taxpayer Relief Act of 2012 (that's what it was, right?) were clearly archaic, but the fantasy elements like a Muslim president, a party with the dystopic name "New Values" party, an ahistorical suicide bombing at the Air & Space museum, and so-on seemed to harken back even further to the post 9/11 anxiety about Islamic terrorists.

It was hard to find a way to connect the story's hinted-at future to anything that felt relevant in 2025.

Likewise, I wasn't sure what to make of Ralph's ideas on education. Clearly they're kind of radical for 2012 (or 2025!), but are they supposed to sound good? Or bad? Or just weird? Or what?

He becomes President and has some impact, in-part creating the future Dave lives in (I think?) but the story didn't illuminate what Dave thought of it, beyond missing booze (but he's allowed to partake on a mission) but this small figment didn't give me much of an idea what Dave was looking for which brings me to my biggest confusion:

DAVE'S MISSION DIDN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME
I don't mean his ambiguous, "Get the Taxpayer Relief Act Passed" mission which, presumably is part of keeping the sacred timeline in order (or something) -- and is over when the story starts.

That was fine.

It was everything that happened later that threw me.

He's randomly at this party, enjoying a little freedom from prohibition (but everything he does and says is monitored from home base, right? So I guess they give field agents a little latitude)...

And... he randomly runs into a super-influential future President?

And takes him to Waffle House?

Now, to be clear: maybe he just wants a Pecan Waffle, but if so, running into future-Prez is a hell of a coincidence, right?

Maybe he does have a personal agenda of some kind and planned to meet up with Ralph to carry it out ... but it can't be a subversive one (kill Ralph, wreck the sacred timeline, enjoy booze in 2043?) since he's being monitored non-stop and his car is being driven by the guys at mission control.

If he were doing anything sketchy, they'd be stepping in, I assume.

I expect all of this is set up, either before this or explained afterward but in this tiny fragment it just seemed confusing and a bit scattered. Not a deal-breaker; if there'd been another page of their discussion at Waffle House, I'd probably have read it, but there might be some productive clarification to -- at least -- hint on what he's up to.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Another me  
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I found this in Plugged items, and as someone who has plugged, and may someday plug again, I felt like I ought to read other's plugged things.

You noted that this was a return to short-story writing after a long absence from it and asked if you were in the right direction.

My answer: I think so, yes.

I liked it! To me, the core of the story is the ominous nature of the character's disorder, what he has done, and (especially) what he might do.

You do a good job if implying various dark possibilities (he's a serial killer with a workshop full of trophies from his victims) and he struggles with / entertains impulses or voices telling him Kill Again! Or maybe not? He steals his sister-in-law's sunglasses at the end. Maybe his transgressive urges are closer to kleptomania (although my sense is both-- killing and stealing)?

The story ends with him stealing his sister-in-law's sunglasses, but not murdering the kid... but "I'll have Seth add them to my collection later," could mean Seth is next in line? I wasn't sure exactly how to read that.

Either way, it's a taut little story about a disturbing guy living a secret life.

A final note: I wasn't sure if intrusive thoughts (what the main character seems to have) could compel action in real-life--meaning, was he forced to follow the 'commands' and do harmful things? Or was it a choice. The story lets me read it both ways--he talks about commands and sort of implies that he tries to avoid acting on the intrusive thoughts... but he keeps trophies and hides his nature and is more than a little coy about what he plans to do. He's definitely enjoying his secret and not above harming those close to him, even if he has (so far) avoided it.

I like that ambiguity--it reads as someone who wants (in their own head) some plausible deniability for the bad things they plan to (and on some level, enjoy) doing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
I found this in the Plug page, and as someone who has Plugged in the past I felt I ought to read other's Plugged stuff.

As this was part 4 of a book, I read the previous chapters so I'd have some idea of what was going on -- I'll have some over-all notes on the first three chapters at the end

A LOT OF CHARACTERS
You have a large cast of characters in this chapter: Lucy(fer???), Danica, Gavin (seemingly the most important characters), then there's Roland, Aliza, Arc, Jayne, Mary, Harriet, and Garret. That's 10 people in the room, and a few more referred to (Otto, Diane, Lacey, Brian, Kelly, and the All Wise) = 16 identities to keep track of.

Outside of the main three and Roland (from the previous chapters), I would be hard-pressed to give much of an account of any of them, although I think they probably had reasonably distinguishing attributes, but most of the time I only had a vague idea of the supporting cast.

PLOT: MORE SET UP THAN CONFLICT OR ACTION
Plot-wise, this felt like this chapter was mostly setting up things to happen in the future, versus having things happen: The chapter introduces the (likely) antagonist, the incredibly, explicitly demonic bad-girl Lucy(fer?) 666.

She's rude, she gives the immature (even for 19) children drugs, she is beyond God's purview. She wears red and tarts herself up with earrings! So yeah. She's Bad. But even though the characters are curious and confused, they don't really pursue any of the mystery. They play the game with her, absorb her rudeness without complaint and smoke her amphetamines.

The lack of engagement with the mystery (or maybe threat) she presented made things feel like they were going slow, even when there were events in the story (someone has to go pick up their kids, someone gets drunk and goes home, the game, etc.)

Since none of that mattered to the characters and they were too passive to pursue the most interesting element (Lucy), I found myself waiting for something meaningful to happen and when we got to the end, it sort of... hadn't.

I mean, yes--Danica passes out, and likely that's not good, but I didn't have too much of a feel of ominous threat (beyond the heavy-handed Lucy = The Devil!)

Chapter 5 might start with Danica in mortal peril, but that wasn't foreshadowed and the tone didn't read to me like that. If that were the case, I think I'd feel surprised but not in a good or satisfying way--just sort of thrown by a narrative that didn't seem to be going there.

LOW STAKES DRAMA
I like low-stakes drama. I liked the earlier chapter where Danica gets her writing eviscerated by a trusted adult and she's devastated. I would have liked a story about characters getting their feelings hurt by a rude, devilishly sexy blondish bombshell with split ends -- that would have been engaging!

I believe that the trick to making low-stakes conflicts engaging is that they don't feel low-stakes to the characters! Danica feeling lost and despairing at her life's work being called trash -- good! It's the End Of The (Her) World--or at least feels like that. Chapter 3 had some good low-stakes stuff.

This one though didn't seem to have that level of impact. Lucy is rude, but no one seems to care much. Lucy shows them up but beyond being incredulous they don't really care. Lucy is clearly 1000% more interesting than Danica is and explicitly competing with her for Gavin's attention... but I never got the feeling Danica was jealous or felt romantically threatened.

All those potential stakes were just left on the table--the characters didn't care, so I didn't.

PASSIVE CHARACTERS ARE A LITTLE FRUSTRATING
Having characters who don't respond to mysteries in front of them is kind of frustrating.

The characters are, to my read, extremely passive and naive, which fits for pre-fall people in a techno-dystopic Apartments of Eden, but their passivity makes them less interesting for me. I think at four chapters in, it was growing old and I wanted to see something more impactful happen.

SOME OVER-ALL NOTES
- I liked each chapter opening with a journal from the MC's perspective. That was a good way to give some exposition and character building

- I get that the characters are kind of sims or clones or robots or AIs or something, but I didn't care for having their romantic pairings described as "siblings" and I didn't like pairings beginning at 12 years old. Yes, it's science fiction and yes, they're not literally brothers and sisters... but those kinds of details were extremely off-putting, especially with the child character finding themselves exposed to abusive adult sexuality. I likely would have stopped reading there if I was reading for fun.

- I liked the idea that if you can't find a purpose in life, the All-Wise gets you drunk! The whole world seems very dystopic and inhuman -- but since it's all the characters know and the All-Wise's AI-ish personality is sympathetic and encouraging (if not, ahem, honest), they accept it without (a lot of) question.

TLDR Summary
- The premise / setting is weird and interesting
- If you're going to have incredibly passive characters you might want to get to some engaging drama and real stakes quicker than 5 chapters in
- To make low-stakes drama work, the characters have to care as if the stakes were high
- There's stuff in the early chapters dealing with adult sexuality and children and the romantic pairings at young ages that I feel like is a deal-breaker for me
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Review of Ah, Bologna  
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I found this looking for Short Stories in new static items.

I like low-life criminals bantering and arguing about stupid every-day stuff. I like it when Tarantino does it, I like it when Elmore Leonard does it (but I repeat myself). I liked it here.

There wasn't much beyond a snapshot--couple of characters in the middle of some kind of scenario. For something like this you want strong, distinct and distinctive voices that are memorable in their perspectives and attitudes.

I think this moderately successful. I liked the straight-man guy noting their schedule was "mostly when we wake up" and I liked hungry-guy's suggestions for alternative meals and his "heartburn of a thousand sorrows." For whatever reason I wasn't as taken with "industrial packing material" but maybe that's because it read as slightly out-of-time-period to me (to be clear: I have no idea if it's actually out of character / time-period or not.)

The straight-man was less distinctive and less surprising (as straight-men tend to be). He was mission-oriented, and annoyed by his partner's preoccupations... just about what any rational person would do in his situation. He made a good foil for the joker character, so he did his job as a wall to bounce a ball off of.

With less than 300 words, I think you did a about the job you could do in one page. If this were a page of a novel, I think it'd be a solid scene which moved the needle on character development as it set the table for action to follow (presumably a huge disaster of a train robbery). As a stand-alone piece, it amused me and ended.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.5)
I found this looking at new static items, and I was intrigued by the title--I also didn't even realize editorials were a genre type... I should write some editorials!

I wasn't sure exactly what to say about your article--I mean, I think it's manifestly true that the current discourse is full of hostility, hateful personal attacks on those who disagree, and self-righteousness / condescension, along with (arguably) the other things you listed.

I also think I agree with your conclusion--that on a personal level there's not a lot to be gained by arguing with folks; disengaging makes more sense than endless, pointless internet battles (unless one enjoys that sort of thing--which might represent a different pathology!)

The intro line suggests that maybe "life" is a cure, but a huge number of people driving polarization have lived long lives; if that would take care of things, we'd probably have fewer problems!

I had a couple of other reactions:

- Diagnosing people with a 'syndrome' is probably indulging in the same self-righteousness and condescension you're decrying. I get that it's satisfying, but it risks weakening the impact of your argument

- I expect that a lot of people would agree with your horseshoe / extremes on both-sides message, but often I find that folks who see themselves as being "in the middle" or "on the side of common sense" are often far closer to an extreme than they admit. I don't know that I'd agree that angry, delusional (or even violent) rhetoric comes 'typically from the left.'

One final thought: a good deal of the current environment comes from a disagreement over the basic facts of the matter--people who live in a fantasy world of conspiracy theory and news sources so biased they might as well be fake. It's hard to know what to do about that; there are no easy answers.

Maybe that's what I should write my editorial about!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I found this on Read and Review. I'm always curious when I get something from 10 years ago that was updated recently like this one was -- I wonder what made the author revisit and modify it!

It's a neat story and very well constructed. It does a good job of setting things up that pay off later.

It also has some aspects that I thought might be minor issues (both female characters have the same name but with different forms?? Scott AND the patient's husband are both military? The doctor's conversation isn't very convincing?) but which turned out to be entirely justified. That was a real pleasure!

I felt a bit like the dialog between the two doctors to begin with might have played out a little long -- it did set up the background nicely and did so in a way that wasn't obvious (if it had been highly abbreviated, or all done in the interaction with Elizabeth it wouldn't have worked so well), but I felt like I was getting a bit of a run-around.

I was not as enamored with the D.U.S.T. acronym--it was clever, and yes, it was her delusion, and so-on but it reminded me too much of the R.O.U.S.'s from Princess Bride and seemed a bit silly and out of place--I mean it's not a super-serious story and it didn't ruin it for me, but it definitely didn't fully land.

I wish I had "bought" the doctors talking more than I did. They did a good job (too good a job) of expositioning the situation, and it felt like their conversation was mainly done for reader's benefit, and I didn't feel that they were credible as medical professionals. I get that it was all a hallucination, but the experience of reading it left me intellectually engaged with the story, but not so much emotionally.

I found that I was eager to get actually meet Elizabeth's and was not entirely happy their interaction was brief and inconclusive. I totally got that she had "infected" him with DUST belief and he was gonna get eaten by the Dust Devils (Demons), but I wasn't eager to just get to what I saw as a fairly predictable end... and then the twist legitimately got me! Well done.

I think it's a good, clever set up with two legit interesting ideas. 1) Dust=demons and if you believe they can kill you, so telling people / warning them actually spreads the danger. Scary! 2) The whole scenario is the woman's mental-illness time-loop with Scott dying over and over in her head. Dark! Disturbing!

I think that if the story leaned into the darkness and horror more, it could be legitimately disturbing. I'd want a little more emotional authenticity from Scott and more of a focus on Scott / Elizabeth, before switching to Scott / Beth and the conclusion... there's potential for real impact here!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Deep Breath  
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I found this in New Static Items, since sometimes I like to read stuff people just posted. I saw the 18+ and the "Dark" genre and I was intrigued.

I wasn't let down--that was dark!

Kind of... I guess... anti-romance-genre? A lot of it was written with the language and tropes of the romance genre, but this didn't feel like it was written as a turn on for anyone; it was sensual, but at its core sad and scary rather than romantic or titillating--a story about someone (barely and just 'so far') surviving in an abusive, self-abnegating relationship.

The guy is kind of a stock romance hero--rich, powerful, charismatic, dominant, loaded with all the right brand-names -- but his darkness doesn't reveal a tortured soul who can be saved by the right woman's love--he's just controlling. Abusive.

I was curious about Amelia. She's essentially paralyzed in the story with no agency except to breathe and reflect on her situation and how she got here (which, to be fair, is exactly what is promised in the title!). The small amount of information she gives on her background didn't do much to illuminate her; most of what I got to know about her came from her first-person monologue which... was fine, but maybe lacking just a little in authenticity?

That's a strange thing to type, since the whole thing is scalding, transgressive disclosure of a woman who's been brutalized and will be so again, but as I tried to get to know or understand her, I kept coming back to thinking that, "she speaks like a writer."

She offers fantastic description -- really fantastic. Small details that do a great job of sketching Arthur physically, personality-wise, emotionally. To a very great degree, I felt like I ended the story with a better idea of who he was more so than knowing anything about her! And yes, he's pretty trope-heavy, but I felt like the wealth of small, telling details made him add up to a bit more than just a bundle of cliches.

The thing is, by the end, I still had no idea who she was. I wasn't sure if she was going to get out. Does she have inner reserves of strength? Or are her assurances that this is, as they say in Avenue Q, "only for now," just false hope to get her through the day?

I couldn't tell. In a tiny, terse piece I don't need all the answers, but I wondered if the skillful, writerly voice I was reading was more the author speaking to me through the character than the authentic voice of the character, herself.

I wondered if this might work better as a third person story about an abusive controlling guy than told from the first person of his cowering partner. I do think Amelia's story is worth telling, though, and if this is her authentic voice then I guess I do know who she is--she's a romance author who can escape her situation with a series of best-selling books that fund her fabulous divorce and next adventure!

Maybe?

Either way, it didn't ruin my enjoyment of the story or appreciation of the craft. I liked the short, hard-hitting transgressive nature of the story and what felt to me like an inversion of romance tropes and cliches!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I think I found this on Read & Review. Not sure.

Anyway, this was great. Very 1950's sci-fi about clever science ideas presented in the form of fiction. In this case, space-folding as a kind of FTL (like an Alcubierre drive that doesn't require exotic matter!).

I liked the hard-sci-fi setting with enough specific detail that the I guessed the sort of story I was in for in the first paragraph.

Making these kinds of stories work requires a few things.

1. Real science (I don't think this quite gets there--but all the rest of the details are good, although whatever they're using for consistent 1-g thrust is pretty out there)

2. A reveal of the speculative science that feels credible. I think you did that. Having the tinker-er playing with particle guns and then discovering the side-effects all felt reasonably paced. Having them definitively NOT expect any real impact justified them trying it. From a literary perspective the whole thing worked

3. A sense of legitimate emotion (in this case, awe) at the reveal, and I feel you did that. Even though ETL is common in sci-fi, the relatively grounded setting and the character's reactions sold this as an amazing breakthrough; that's good writing!

I have a hard (ish) sci-fi story set in Proxima kicking around in my head--this inspires me!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Sanderson Returns  
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I read this because I really appreciated the thoughtful review you gave me!

The writing, dialog, setting and description were all up to the task of introducing the characters and walking me through the plot. The abrupt switches between flashbacks to the lab setting and the present-day were sometimes jarring but only mildly confusing. I could tell from context clues which timeframe I was in well enough not to get lost (although this is, likely, an area for consideration).

The characters worked okay. Sanderson stands out as having a very distinctive voice and personality. The main character got the story across and had enough emotional depth that I didn't tune out (I wasn't exactly gripped, but he worked to take me through the plot).

The father character seemed to exist largely in exposition--to explain the backstory and premises behind the situation--and there were hints of his emotional engagement with the situation but not enough for me to really engage with him as a person.

My overall reaction: this felt a bit more like the start of a longer work rather than a stand-alone short story. There are a LOT of ideas in here--the main character's sorrow at his loss, his cold relationship with his parents, the strange, supernatural relationship with Sanderson... and the sci-fi, super-soldier back-story.

It's a lot to cover in a short piece and I don't know that you did all of it justice. Some quick thoughts / examples:

- I really liked the creepy, ambiguous introduction of Sanderson. I liked him better when he was less explained and his agenda was less clear. Some of the writing around the beginning felt like it could have been in a Steven King book (I mean that as a high complement)

- Learning more about him and having his nature more revealed (he is an objectively supernatural presence able to telekinetically move objects) made him less interesting.

- I liked the idea of the main character and his father ("father") working in a time of mourning and grief. The set-up in the opening paragraphs felt very grounded, but as the details came about their relationship the speed of the revelations and the lack of story focus to understand how they landed made them less impactful to me. I felt like if you had given me more time to get used to a fairly cold father/son relationship, the revelation that the main character had been purchased as a baby and raised as a lab experiment might have landed better than it did

- The entire cascade of reveals at the end didn't work for me. I followed and understood them--and I can see them as a productive premise for a novel, but learning in a few paragraphs that he was Frankensteined back to life in a super-soldier program that incorporated a spirit animal that was (I think?) one of the primary researches just came too quickly for me to react emotionally.

- The truth about his parentage and the idea that he was raised as a lab-rat by uncaring not-parents didn't ring true; that's VERY hard to make credible. I felt like you did some of the emotional work--you did capture and relate his desire for a more loving upbringing--but paired with the blunt, final segment confession, it fell flat. There is a core story here that's compelling, but it needs more space and time.

- Conversely, the end seemed to slow down and open up interesting possibilities: there are bad-guys chasing them. Sanderson, who was responsible (in part?) for the whole situation is spiritually bound to him... and they're off on an adventure together... cool. This could go places!

My conclusion: You've got writing talent; you can create characters with more-than paper-thin emotional depth, and tell a story with them. Your ideas for the story are fairly solid and could be worked into something quite effective. I think trying to do this in a short-story doesn't do the breadth of things justice.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (5.0)
I read this because it was a short story in new static items and because it offered 500 Gift Points and it seems I'm Gift-Point motivated!

It was structured well, and shifting seamlessly between more strategic overview exposition and into tight, line-by-line character interaction scenes (dialogue, scenes, interaction with her father, her reflections and actions at the end).

I also thought your story did a fantastic job of establishing the character through her voice and perceptions. We don't see a lot of her actions, so how she thinks and feels and explains has to carry the plot--it did that and made it look easy!

Particularly impressive: relating a story from some time in her past with a mix of reflections on the girl she was but also with some distance and time between the telling and the action in the story.

I'm thinking of her (poetic/metaphoric) descriptions of her emotional states--very adolescent--but also showing her understanding that her motivations were more personal and simpler than they might have seemed at a time (she wanted to understand her father).

Good stuff; well executed and a character that was exposed and vulnerable enough for the reader to be engaged emotionally with her.

Thinking about it, I'd say the conflict established in the very beginning (she's being torn apart by her parent's divorce) was resolved in the scene where she abandons therapy and reconciles / returns to her father.

The interaction with the therapist was rendered well (clean dialog, a good back-and-forth that neatly communicates how her armor-piercing questions expose therapist's inability to address her needs and results in a kind of 'victory' for the main character and a revelation).

It didn't entirely work for me though--scenes where the patient is able to reverse things on a therapist and expose them (whereas the usual dynamic is the therapist exposing the patient through questions and dialog) are super-tough to make feel authentic (this is the case even when they're literal transcripts!) so I think the bar is high, and I wouldn't call it a failure--just not entirely convincing and therefore not entirely satisfying.

I was also curious about the religious themes that seem to be introduced (both with the demonic images in the main character's dreams and in her longing for a closeness with God that parallels her desire to be reunited with her earthly father) but then seemed to be dropped toward the end with an absence of a spiritual reconnection.

It didn't exactly bother me--I was inclined to treat her spiritual focus as, essentially, a framework for her world-view, more than an essential part of her story, and maybe see some parallels between the sacrifice of pride necessary to be close to God similar to having to swallow her pride and take emotional risks to reach out to her father -- but I did sort of feel like a thread got dropped somewhere (I also felt the story could work without religious references at all; if you removed all the explicit references to God and religion, except for maybe the demon-dreams, would anything not work? I don't think so).

One last thought: I think the final part of the arc is her letting go of pride that was keeping her apart from her father and that letting go being the act of healing. In that reading, calling him "daddy" at the end isn't really emotional regression (which is kind of how it read to me), but an articulation of vulnerability and self-exposure.

The way it's presented this powerful act heals her (or at least starts the healing) but I wasn't sure exactly what I was supposed to make of that. In Christianity healing comes from submission to and reconciling with our heavenly father--and a similar connection with an earthly parent might follow, but I don't think a healthy, authentic spiritual journey would have the healing start with the earthly parent.

If I omit the spiritual aspects and just look at it through a secular lens the surrender of her pride to allow emotional reconnection works, but if that's the case then being depressed because she wasn't connected with her father reads more as some kind of dependence or even regression than something healthy (which is definitely how the language and emotion present it).

To be clear: I felt like the ending worked emotionally as a triumphant figuring out of what she needed and having the strength to overcome her pride and distance to re-connect, but between the dropping of the explicit spiritual aspects and some of my confusion about exactly what the nature of the healing was, I felt like there might be some room for tightening up.

Overall, a really good, well-written piece!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I found this looking for a short story in new items.

I liked the story's plot and I liked the characters, especially Kelechi, with his redemption arc and his need to stand up to his past and Sade who was probably (with her recent, tragic loss and bravery) the moral heart of the story. Third prize goes to Ngozi--practical, plain spoken (giving the story an element of humor), and willing to hit people with a wrench if necessary!

I also liked how using the fire to save the lighthouse kind of book-ended / reflected the initial use of fire to harm it; I like those kinds of parallels.

I also liked the poetic language but I felt like it was over-used in the beginning -- I found the use of metaphors ("dusk arrived like an apology," "a grave they don’t fully understand," etc.) a bit dense and collectively they reduced the impact of that kind of writing. I'm not exactly sure what I'd cut; any one of them was fine it just got a little too much. Once the story got going, the flowery language either tapered off or it just didn't distract me as much.

Most of my enjoyment of the story came from reading about the characters bouncing off each other and seeing Kelechi face his path and ultimately redeem himself.

I did feel like there might be a few too many characters--but again, I'm not sure who I'd cut. Zina's role seemed mostly to be explicitly stating things that I felt I already knew, but sometimes that's useful. Timi and Baba Tamuno both reflect the action with their reactions & emotional states or drive the action in some way. It's a good cast... just a lot for relatively short piece.

There were two things I didn't like, though.
1. The story spends a LONG time hinting that SOMETHING HAPPENED but it won't exactly say what.

At first it seemed like it might be implying a curse or ghosts or something supernatural--I didn't buy it, and the oblique references just felt withholding.

After having read through it, I don't think there's spoiling the 'surprise' that the lighthouse was attacked by smugglers would lose anything. By the time I got there, I was fairly sure that was the case and I was also pretty sure that Kelechi was involved--I think the story would have had MORE impact if it had less mystery.

I assume Sade demands Kelechi come because she knows / is pretty sure he had something to do with the original incident wants him to face whatever additional danger there was. I could see productive scenes in the beginning with her explaining that (essentially accusing him) and him declining to deny it.

That would also set up the (very real) danger they're facing.

2. That's the other issue: The way the story starts out, the team treats the mission like it's not literally dangerous when, at least some of them know or suspect that it's not ghosts they might be facing, it's violent criminals who've killed before and are likely willing to kill again. At very least Kelechi knows they could be stirring up massive trouble.

Their lack of precautions didn't entirely make sense to me and I wondered if part of that was a desire to leave the nature of the original incident shrouded in mystery; if that's the case, I'd give up that part of the mystery and just deal with it. Although you'd have to explain why they wouldn't call the police or, at least, pack their own weapons (also, why didn't Obinna and his guys have guns?)

Finally: I think the second mystery -- the question as to who is behind the whole thing -- gets set up and resolved too quickly. Part of Kelechi's 'arc' isn't just coming clean about his own involvement, it's learning that his family's behind the whole thing and turning them in means betraying his father.

That would have had WAY more impact if it had been introduced sooner and if Kelechi had to grapple with it throughout the development of the story. As it stood, I didn't hate it, and the medallion hinted at it (for both the character and the reader, I guess) but I feel like that aspect could have been made more central and woven through the story from the start.

Anyway, those things said, the characters and their interactions carried the story for me. Yes, I found the ambiguity a bit annoying but it didn't ruin my enjoyment or anything. I quite liked this!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (5.0)
I don't usually review essays, but I saw that you plugged this, and as a fellow plugger, I figured I should give it a read!

I liked your essay and I thought it did, in fact, cover my experience self-publishing on Amazon; I agree with a lot of the insights here, although I haven't gone beyond KDP.

A couple of things I would add
- There's nothing like holding a book you wrote in your hand; for me, the joy of having a professional printed physical copy was hard to overstate. I really love taking something from conception into a thing I can put on my shelf, and I doubt I'm the only one who feels that way!

- KDP's dashboard lets me see when members of their KU program read something I've published and that's also a very satisfying thing.

I short, I agree with your conclusion--the answer is an "absolute Yes!"


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
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Review of Mirror, Mirror  
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)
I found this clicking on Read & Review until I got to some short fiction!

I found this well and clearly written; it did a good job of showing the character through her emotions, thoughts, actions. Same with description--details like the cold wooden floor, the wallpaper, the spare but evocative physical details of the characters.

The disorientation & alarm of waking up in a radically unfamiliar environment was well captured--

Unfortunately I got a bit lost when she sees her deceased husband and child (?) in this unfamiliar place. I wasn't sure exactly what the scenario was or how it fit together, and sort of emotionally dropped out of the story trying to figure it out:

- If this is her dead husband, is the child they had dead as well?
- They seem to be living together, but the house is wholly, radically unfamiliar so it's not like they went back in time to the 2010's when they lived in a rural place?
- Is this like an alternate timeline? Or a parallel dimension?

In the end, it didn't end up mattering -- the story ends with her accepting on faith that this is real and they're reunited. That was fine as far as it went, and I don't really need my questions answered but the shift from the focus on the mystery ("Where am I!?") to the resolution of loss and reuniting came as such a surprise that 1) I didn't feel invested in her reconnecting with her lost loved one (I didn't even know she had a lost loved one) and 2) I felt stuck back at trying to figure out the mystery I was invested in.

Seeing (at the very end) that this was a prompt, I wondered if Michelina and Cooper were lovers in past lives (with... identical bodies so she'd recognize him and her reflection?) and she'd somehow time-slipped back there? It wasn't something I think I'd have picked up from the story itself.

So while I was drawn in by the writing, and the mysterious, apparently supernatural situation, and the character's well-rendered alarm and confusion, I think that for me to really connect I'd want to know she was badly damaged by a tragedy before seeing it resolved--I think that would also have made me care less about learning exactly what was happening or why.

A couple of other notes
- I did like her getting up in frustration to see who was making noise rather than lingering too long on her confusion.
- The description of the archaic environment really sold this as a supernatural shift while making it feel real and credible
- I didn't like her repeatedly deciding she was dreaming; I feel like that reaction is generally less interesting than whatever the character would do if they simply had to accept the apparent reality of their situation
- The writing did capture the character's profound relief and seeing their beloved again. I appreciated that being well rendered--if you rework this a bit so that their pain is better understood before it's resolved, I think it could be really powerful
- The story opens with Michelina categorizing whatever happened as "the worst day of her life." So... worse than when her husband died? I did wonder (when I was done) if maybe her daughter had died? It really didn't feel like that (with her laying in bed, doom-scrolling social media, I read 'worst day of life' as mild hyperbole for something like a tough, bad day at work)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Clash Round 1  
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I was looking for a short story to read & review and kept clicking until one came up. Yours came up!

It was simple little story--I liked how the siblings bounced off each other and used their abilities and basic empathy to solve a variety of problems. I also liked how the story took its time with scenes like the mud-fight and them singing together in the bath. That sort of pacing and willingness to linger on character and basic silliness created an enjoyable low-stakes feel.

Additionally, I was glad that you didn't fill up the story with a big explanation about what they wanted the blood for or what had happened to the mother. Was she dead (I assume)? Sick? Did they need the wolf-bird's blood to restore her? Or was it some completely different thing?

If this is part of a longer work, maybe that's all explained elsewhere, but since this was all I had, I didn't know, but I didn't think I needed to. It felt like the story trusted me to figure things out, and, honestly, explaining would have probably reduced the impact and enjoyment of the story.

I was also unsure about the age of the characters. I assumed very young--although Richard is at least old enough to know some magic, so he's presumably old enough to read, and practice. And while the wizard Volton was no paragon of responsibility, he didn't just assume they had to have parents around somewhere... so maybe very young / somewhat immature teens?

Not that it matters. In fantasy books 7 year olds could be off in the woods looking for wolf blood or whatever, but I felt like maybe SOME kind of grounding in age would have helped me visualize them a bit better.

Again: if there's more of this somewhere that explains all that... fine. I just didn't see it.

One thing that did bother me slightly: based on characterization and behavior, I read Lila as significantly younger than Richard and was a bit surprised to hear they were twins. I also felt like maybe having her crying in a couple of scenes (missing her mother, and then frustrated the plants won't listen to her) cast her as significantly less mature (that and her resorting to throwing mud). If she's the same age, I think you could describe her emotional reactions a bit less dramatically and still keep, essentially the same character.

All-in-all, the story was a light, entertaining lead. It didn't / doesn't need to be more than you have here, but I did wonder if it was part of a larger work with these two that answered some of the things that remained mysteries here. If not--if this is all there is--then leaving so much unexplained is an even bolder and more interesting choice!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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17
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I read this on a random click of Read & Review!

I liked it--the idea of a neutrino-blocking field acting like a sail in the ubiquitous neutrino 'wind' wasn't one I'd seen before and I thought it was super clever. I wondered if she was going to 'tack' against the neutrino wind to steer back to earth, but that didn't seem to be necessary.

1940's / 1950's sci-fi often focused on ideas rather than character or plot and for me this fit into that mode, except that Dr. Le had just a bit more character to her than the standard 1950's science-whiz which was nice and made me think that, from a pretty spare beginning she could be developed into a richer character than she is here. Ending on a character beat was a nice touch.

The plot / conflict was fine. Science creates the problem, science solves the problem. In a very short piece, it's hard to get invested in the survival of the characters (and the tone made me think the whole thing ending in tragedy was unlikely). I did feel that the conflict and resolution could have been tighter. The complication that they can't shut down the machine and the ability to resolve everything by making the field permeable didn't arise organically from things previously set up so there wasn't really a sense of satisfaction when Dr. Le saved the station and with a little work, I think they could have (also, faced with losing one's life's work... or one's life... I think I'd shut down the machine... and I'm sure Dr. Le has all her schematics backed up on Google Drive, so all they're losing is the prototype, right?)

If you were inclined to revisit this, I'd want to connect the solution and complications to things established in the setup, but that would make the piece longer and it wasn't like I hated the way it ran now.

All-in-all, it's rare to see a modern story with an idea that's good enough to carry the tale in the absence of a compelling character or plot, but I think you managed it! Congrats!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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18
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (5.0)
I saw this in the list of sponsored things and figured anything with an incel in it would be inflected with rage and entitlement--and therefore interesting...

And I wasn't disappointed!

This story relies on the first-person voice to carry it, and the voice/character does. I found it very well executed. He was everything the title promised--entitled, self-righteous, enraged and dangerous, and on and on. You did a great job with the litany of red-pill talking points and this being from earlier (~4 years) in the discourse makes it feel more authentic less too-on-the-nose than it might if it were full of up-to-the-minute Groyper memes or something.

Yes, Incel Guy is a stereotype, and yes his (lengthy) scroll of suffered affronts reads a bit like a greatest hits tape... but 1) that's how those guys sound and 2) there's enough specificity here that he didn't feel so much like a straw-man he wasn't engaging.

Awful guys are fun to read. He's an awful guy. He was fun to read!

The other thing was the closed circle of the chalk art reveal. You deftly raise the mystery of what exactly is it that he's drawn and then the reader gets carried away by his rant until, toward then end, I found myself going, "Oh, yeah... there was some art somewhere, right? I wonder what's up with that."

I'm ashamed to say that I didn't figure it out until the last four paragraphs or so when I saw the end coming and realized I was about to see the last part of a magic trick. The note about defunding the police earlier in the piece came together nicely and the finale. In my defense, I'm a bit slow, but then I get to enjoy simple tricks working for me and this one definitely worked on me--Delightful!

There were some other notes I liked because they fit perfectly, but felt specific enough to be authentic. His whole musical tastes (so girly!) thing and clever motif of the girls-like-astrology-ha-ha were done nicely.

The shift / reveal at the very end with the notes on decay, rats, worms, and the chalk left for the cops had the perfect visceral impact ending I think you were aiming for.

Nicely done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
19
19
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I read this because I driven by an insatiable hunger for Gift Points and it was sponsored. Also I liked the title and wanted to see what a thimble full of trouble was like.

Answer: Not so much trouble.

Works written for contests like this one tend to be long on atmosphere and short on plot and conflict/stakes--I'd say ATFoT had more stakes and plot than a lot of contest entries I've seen (to be fair, it also had 2k words to develop them in, which is more than a lot of contests).

It also had somewhat more character than a lot of very short works have, with three distinct voices, a bunch of lore and some rich descriptions of the gnome underground which I quite liked--the fairytale setting was nicely established.

I also liked the mythological references and the handling of exposition --although I found myself doubting that Flik was as completely unfamiliar with some of the foundations of his world as he's presented here... I can forgive a little exposition in a book for children, though, and like I said, it was handled fine and the actual story was charming enough to make up for slight awkwardness.

I also liked the simple caring solution to the problem; the crystal was lonely and getting her some flowers and companionship reboots the masquerade. As a story aimed at kids, it's not a bad way to solve things... the gnomes didn't need to kill anything.

I'm a bit at a loss for recommendations to make for contest entries. If this were trying to be a more traditional short-story I think I'd want to see more actual challenge and conflict and maybe make the middle section less exposition-heavy?

I'd also want to make the lonely, neglected, failing key to the entire Global Gnome Protection System seem less "two flights of stairs down, second door to the right" in distance. Given how important Ms. Crystal is, and how easy to get to she is, there's really no excuse for the gnomes locking her in the closet and forgetting about her for how many years?

I guess I'd also want to see the magic and whimsy relate more to some kind of real-world metaphor--in my experience supernatural elements work best if they stand in (to some degree) for aspects of the real world.

But all those personal preference things don't really connect with a piece written for a contest with specific length limits and directions. As it was, I enjoyed the prose and the description and found the world-building amusing and that's really all something like this needs to be!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
20
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Review of Game Models  
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I found this in the sponsored section and read it because the title made me curious.

My initial reaction was that despite being set in the future it felt a bit dated -- the AI felt far more like an old-school ML model than a modern LLM. Concepts like ARGs and gamification seemed less than cutting edge... and I kept expecting something deeply sinister to happen. After all, having an AI use algorithmic operant conditioning to run your life? Surely a terrible idea, right? When it ended in something less than tragedy I was confused. Had I missed something?

Yes.

This was written in 2019!

Okay, LM... re-read. But do it in context. Man those were different times, huh?

I found the techno-optimism refreshing (I work in technology, and do a lot with AI and online systems that aim to influence people's IRL behavior). I also like the diversity in the names which gave it an authentic but not alien feel. If the over-all idea wasn't as novel as the story presents it... well, reality caught up!

In my first read, I felt like it somewhat over-explained the concept and that's possibly true even for 6 years ago--gamification's been around a long time and I think most readers looking at sci-fi would catch on relatively quickly.

I also found it a little overly simple about how easily the concept would catch on--there are real limits to gamification's ability to drive behavior and get people to undertake hardship in the real world.

None of that has to be in a story, but I felt like like the "arc" was a more or less straight line from inception to world domination without much of a sense of conflict or challenge... this feels like it belongs in the 1940's / 1950's style sci-fi where a plucky young scientist uses science to change the world, and the crux of the story isn't character or conflict, but the central idea.

As such, I think it probably gets the job done. Could it be a little shorter? Probably--but it didn't really overstay its welcome or anything.

If you ever feel like revisiting it, I'd be curious to see if you feel like you'd write the same story 6 years later. If I'm reading the details right, you modified it earlier this year (March?) -- what changed? And did the significant advances in technology and the emerging concerns about how inviting AI to be deeply connected with and driving people's lives still feel as compelling now as they did at the turn of the decade?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
21
21
Review of The Odds of Irony  
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
I got this clicking Read and Review until it gave me a short story to read and, um. You know. I see this came from 2013 -- a simpler time. We were so young back then!

This seems like it might have been a response to a prompt or contest, maybe about a coincidence? Two characters with the same name run into each other? Something like that?

There was also the role-reversal where the guy is objectivized by the female gaze and isn't especially appreciative. That didn't really fit with the "hey, we're both Robi/yn Evans!" coincidence though--those two aspects were more like parallel lines, existing side by side but never intersecting.

I assume that it fit whatever the assignment was, but as an independent narrative, it didn't really close out or connect the ideas. The Robiyns are both attractive people (who get a fair amount of character description in the 807 words), but it never ends up mattering. They have the same name which causes mild confusion for the waitstaff.

All that said, I don't think this is trying to do a lot more than fit the goals of a contest which I assume it did. It made for a mildly amusing anecdote. I had a couple of thoughts as I read it that I'll share

1. Careful with the similes. You use "warm molasses" to describe Y's voice and "midsummer breeze" for I's. Both were slightly more confusing than evocative for me, and made me wonder if this was really a narrator talking or more of how Y thinks about the world. It was a bit distracting

2. I felt like Y's annoyance at being objectified was the emotional center of the story (to the extent there was one). If there was somewhere to go with anything here, it would have been with that, although with less than 1k words, it's hard to go anywhere. I imagine word 807 marks the end of Robyn and Robin's tale, but if you ever found the urge to revisit them, I'd probably start there.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
22
22
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I saw your story in "Noticing Newbies" and I like magical realism as a genre (broadly speaking it's what I'd consider most of the things I write). I also saw you were looking for feedback.

Let me start by saying that I'm not really a "prologue" person and I struggle to distinguish between what makes for a good prologue v. just the first chapter. Forgo the prologue, I say! Jump right in!

But that's not terribly helpful, is it? I'll do the best I can.

My belief is that first contact with a story should--first and foremost--hook the reader. You want some compelling mystery, incident, or character (ideally all three) that makes the reader think "I want more of that!"

I'd say "The Raven at the Window" was a qualified success -- it did several things well
- Introduced the kids (via exposition / their father's reflection--we didn't get to meet them)
- Introduced Grantham (who I intuit is probably NOT the main character in a middle-grade book)
- Introduced Edith (through Grantham's perception of her and her writing--nicely done!)
- Introduced the magic in the world (largely plant- or nature-based, with strange allergens and invasive vines) and a suspiciously well-trained raven

It also set up the concept of mystery anomalies physicists can see, but so vaguely that I didn't really have much of a grasp on them, or much investment in them, and created a plausible reason for the kids to go to Juniper House.

All that's fine, but it's a lot of exposition for relatively little payoff.

HOWEVER: the fairytale tone with its modern(ish?) timeframe but arch language and allusions to flustered governesses and stodgy Victorian Professors who are too busy to raise their (improbably large, for modern times) brood of kids, and an eldest daughter who uses somewhat archaic idioms involving brined cucumbers... I thought all of THAT really worked.

Honestly the prose and voice were enticing enough that I was willing to forgive all the exposition and the somewhat predictable coming-together of the situation.

That's /fantastic/ but I think you probably want to aim higher than that.

My guess is that the story ACTUALLY focuses on Millie, Oliver, and Little Henry (whom I am calling Little, because that's how I'd imagine him being referred to in a Victorian tale).

If that's correct, then I'd suggest putting the Prologue away--for now--and just introducing them directly by just showing them some opening scene. Let the reader see Mayhem and Chaos personified in action, rather than just being told they're a lot of trouble (also, be careful to overdo it. A little bit of bratty kid goes a LONG LONG way).

Show Millie being responsible and talking like nineteenth century spinster aunt.

And maybe start with them being bundled off to Juniper House, perhaps over Millie's objections (maybe she feels Albert won't do well on his own and should have her to take care of him like she does her brothers?) You can show all of the things you described here in-action, in a way that's quite possibly more engaging than the prologue currently is.

I'd also suggest looking at stories that begin in similar ways--with children on the precipice of an adventure.

The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe is the obvious reference and I'd imagine you've read it. If you haven't actually READ Peter Pan, do so--it also gets a LONG, LONG, LONG way on the strength of its voice and it introduces a bunch of characters delightfully, both simply talking about them AND showing them in action. The fanciful tone and playful magic fit your world well, as well, I expect.

Final thought: The Prologue basically works; when I suggested putting it away that wasn't code for "throw it out" -- it's more like, "assume your reader skipped the prologue; write your first chapters assuming they know nothing" and then come back at the end and see if you still think you need it.

My guess is you'll still want a prologue, but maybe not THIS one--that with Chapter 1 introducing the characters in-action (v. informed attributes) and the mysteries and nature of the world being fully hinted out, you'll find a better purpose for it than it serves here. You might still want to stay with Albert; one thing I do like about Prologues is you can introduce characters you don't plan to stick with without people getting mad at you. And I liked Albert. He's probably not the main guy, but he's a good guy to keep in the story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Late Again  
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I found this on Read & Review and it was short enough to read quickly. I assume this is a response to a prompt or a contest asking for the use of specific words (the bolded ones--moon, weaving, and light). As such, I expect it 'accomplishes the mission.' As a stand-alone narrative, it did a reasonably clever job of setting expectations that Charlie has been unfaithful (in some way) before revealing his evasiveness and prevarication are in service of keeping his marriage proposition a secret.

I did get that there was some hidden factor the story was being coy about--the wording was just precious enough to make me wonder what wasn't being said. That said, for a very short work, it's hard to pull off a masterful deception.

I wanted to call it "wholesome" but it fell slightly short of that; it presents there as being on-going tension in the couple. He's overdue on proposing, she's glaring daggers at him over the last few days. He's not sure if she believes him. And under those circumstances, he's prioritizing surprising her over clarifying the situation? I felt like it drew a picture of an engagement that probably shouldn't happen; he's not a cheater, but he doesn't seem like a very good fiancé.

There's nothing wrong with that, but if you were aiming for 'wholesome' rather than something a bit darker, it might be optimal to refactor the scenario -- I do get that there needs to be some on-going tension to achieve what 'fake out' there is (her suspicion and skepticism sort of help 'sell' the idea in the reader's head that he might be stepping out) but they also paint a pretty poor picture of Charlie.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
24
24
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
I read this clicking on Read & Review until I found a short story. This was the one I found!

I think it worked as a character study with the interaction between Tammy and Doug carrying the majority of my focus and interest. While this is clearly a fragment, I think that I was invested enough that if it was the start of a longer story I'd keep reading to find out if Doug actually survives and see where their story goes.

I wasn't riveted, but the characters seemed human enough for me to care and be curious (Doug seems to have had an interesting life; Tammy's connection with him felt authentic). Not bad for a few paragraphs with very little in the way of conflict or drama.

I can see why you put all the medical stuff in the beginning -- from my perspective, it's a combination of world-building / character illustration with

* A fairly mundane initial set up so we can see the characters banter and deal with routine maintenance in a way that presents them as professional ordinary people and build credibility for the world with technical jargon
* A crisis / inciting incident / mystery to engage them and hopefully the reader in the story (oh no! Sleepers in danger! Medical issues across the board! Why? What's happening? Can they save the sleepers!?)
* A lead in to what I felt was the "meat" of the story -- Tammy's reflection on meeting Doug and caring enough to hope he survives.

I didn't hate the scene, but I wasn't overly invested in the set up and I didn't get enough narrative direction from what I was seeing to understand much beyond "the whole batch of sleepers seem to be in peril" -- given that this doesn't get resolved in this short fragment, it didn't so-much connect to me, but it did set up the transition to the flashback adequately.

I liked that the flashback was relatively low-key and emotionally believable. Tammy's reaction to Doug was a mixture of curiosity and respect, which sets up a relationship between these characters that could be explored productively in the future -- what IS Doug up to? What elements of his interesting life remain relevant, etc.

It also makes HER care about saving him and puts a human face on the medical crisis above, which retroactively made me care more about the sleeper's oxygen levels than I did while reading about them.

So far so good. For a thousand words of intro, it got things started and gave me a couple of characters that showed some promise.

In terms of advice, I think if you were going to revisit / expand this I'd suggest a couple of things:

1. help the reader understand if the sudden, severe issue is a result of the commander guy ("Cruiser") not really doing his job (maybe he SHOULD have not been literally sleeping... and he SHOULD have taken Tammy's concerns more seriously) or if it's just a coincidence that there's two blood-oxygen related issues at the same time (one minor, one really serious)

2. write their reaction (the various bumping and the analysis of blood oxygen of different blood directions) so that it provides SOME kind of indicator as to how the reader should understand the severity of the situation. Professionals don't get rattled in a crisis, so it's hard to know if literally everyone (including the awake characters)are about to die or if this is a bad-but-manageable situation.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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25
Review of World Was  
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (5.0)
I found this on "please review" and read it because I liked the title (read like a possibly play on "World War") and the promise of "galactic hopping adventures!"

At around ~700 words it moved quickly and still managed to describe two distinct and relatively interesting interactions (the black hole, and then a mysterious, totally unknown's planet nuclear self-annihilation). I liked that--the concept of a lurking, hiding and then aggressive black hole was fun and legitimately unsettling and might make a mystery to return to later.

World War / Was made good the implied promise in title and handled the situation playfully with the initial mystery (are the characters under attack?) and then concluding with a playful, entertaining take on planetary extinction.

The tone was light with a hint of dark humor. As a stand-alone, very short work, it made got the job done with successful juxtaposition of a global, violent tragedy against visitors who see it as a bit remarkable and a decision to circle back in a few thousand years. That's a real "galactic" perspective.

As jumping off point for an on-going story (you asked about that in the "please review") I'm less sure. I didn't have a whole lot of information about the characters, seeing them (essentially) in scenarios where they were mostly observers (Bahb takes action in the opening sentence but after that they both basically chat). They were generally likeable, but at only a handful of interactions still essentially cyphers to me. If the longer story was more short vignettes of them flying around looking at things or steering around dangerous obstacles, I think you'd need some REALLY interesting vignettes to sustain interest. With two here it's on-track, but maybe hard to sustain.

If it's a more character-centric story over the long-term I'm not sure I got enough from this opening to have a sense for what I'd be getting into--but what I saw here would probably lead me to read the next one. That's a good start!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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