Okay, finally reached my commitment to you to review your work on my to do list.
Before I start, let me state that all my suggestions are just that, suggestions. This is your work and only you can change it. I will read thur your tale and as I find things that I see as incorrect, I will jot them down and tell you what I would do. Being something I would do does not mean that what I would do is correct. If you have a hundred people read a story to edit it, you might well get a hundred different responses, and it could be anyone’s guess as to which one, if any, are correct.
I am starting with chapter one of The Devil’s Empire.
Maurice
Okay, this is the king’s name, but why just toss it out there? Is it the name of the chapter? If so, you may want to center it.
Surrounded by bookcases the entire length of the wall.
This is a fragmented sentence. Needs a verb to be complete. Perhaps something like, “Bookcases ran the length of all four walls.”
Everything from the tiles on the floor to the murals on the roof decorated with delicate rose patterns.
Try the word “were” between ‘roof’ and ‘decorated’.
To make matters worst, To make matters worse.
Quotation marks and end of sentence punctuation.
Here are two sentences you have in your tale:
1: “The Prime Master has news, your Grace. He says it is urgent,” the young squire had said
In this sentence, you have a comma after the word urgent and the quotation mark is after it. That is correct. Urgent is not the end of the sentence, so it does not get the period.
2: “Get on with it Tolus, you know I hate it when my walk’s interrupted. This better be important.” The King replied as he walked through the room.
This time you have a period instead of a comma after the word, ‘important’. That is incorrect because it is not the end of the sentence. Replace the period with a comma and place the period at the end of the sentence, after the word, ‘room’. You have several sentences like that.
Here is one reason you need to be careful with choosing between a comma and a period.
“Your Majesty, a letter has arrived from Zaphirose in the New Lands.” Said Tolus Solientell,
In this case, because you put a period after ‘Lands,” you ended up capitalizing the word ‘Said.” Said should not be capitalized.
I don’t believe he’s even held a sword before, thought the king.
Thoughts need to be italicized
I don’t believe he’s even held a sword before, thought the king.
While discussing that sentence:
I don’t believe he’s even held a sword before, thought the king. Though, Tolus’ sword expertise was not the reason for him being the King’s wisest and most trusted advisor.
This seems as if it should be one sentence, not two.
I don’t believe he’s even held a sword before, thought the king, though, Tolus’ sword expertise was not the reason for him being the King’s wisest and most trusted advisor.
“Do not try to tell me again why I need to be patient with this damned city,” the wine made him grow angrier instead of calmer.
In this case, the word ‘city’ is the last word in the sentence and there should be a period instead of a comma. The capitalize the first word of the next sentence.
“Do not try to tell me again why I need to be patient with this damned city.” The wine made him grow angrier instead of calmer.
“ Twelve years.
There is an unneeded space between “ and T.
Why does he insist so much? Thought the king. Can he not see how shameful and costly this colony has been? Tolus and his family have always given great advice to the King’s of Arizia, but how can he insist on such a failed experiment?
Again, italicize thought.
Why does he insist so much? Thought the king. Can he not see how shameful and costly this colony has been? Tolus and his family have always given great advice to the King’s of Arizia, but how can he insist on such a failed experiment?
“Your Grace, if I may be so bold to state, the city has thus far been a disaster.” Agreed Tolus.
, instead of . after ‘disaster. Do not capitalize ‘agreed’.
“But please your Majesty hear the news the letter has brought.
You may want to place a comma after ‘Majesty’.
years of my bloody reign getting hit by a damn hurricane and wiped away is good news to me” the king said softly
Comma after ‘me’.
And while Tolus’ idea excited him, he thought of it as just that, an idea
As a general rule, you do not start a sentence with the word ‘And’. There are rare exceptions, but this is not one of them.
“And how exactly am I to do that?” Drop the ‘And’.
, leaning towards the King and whispering enthusiastically, “your majesty you have been given a fresh chance at building the city you have always dreamed about.”
This is a sentence within a sentence. You are correct in putting the comma after ‘enthusiastically’ but you need to capitalize the first word of the quote ‘Your’
And just like his father, drop the ‘and’
Maurice asked intrigued.
This seems awkward. You may want to consider something along the lines of ‘Maurice asked, intrigued by the possibilities.’
And suddenly, for the first time in his thirty-eight years,
Drop the ‘and’
The church that was planned had never even been built.
The word ‘even’ is not needed.
But his nightmares about the woman had been feeling more and more real, and wine was the only thing that helped him forget.
Okay, this sentence surprised me. Here, out of nowhere, we learn the king is having nightmares about some woman. The only woman mentioned to this point is the dying wife of Tolus. Is it her his nightmares are about? If some other woman, you may want to indicate earlier in the tale the king is trouble by a female for a reason the reader does not yet understand.
I assure you.” Tolus defended
Comma after ‘you’ instead of a period.
Tolus defended reads awkward. Maybe something along the lines of ‘Tolus said in defense of his suggestion.’
And as far as his family’s past is concerned Borelis is not
First, drop the ‘and’, next, a comma after concerned.
It wasn’t an entirely terrible idea thought the King.
It wasn’t an entirely terrible idea
“The worst part is that if I had to choose again, I’d choose the same,” the King admitted. “That’s how much I love my wife, Tolus. I would rather kill an unborn child than to upset her with news of my betrayal.” The King looked down at his cup. “Even now, the thing that troubles me the most is worrying she might find out…”
Okay, now the reason for the king’s nightmares is known. Still, you may want to try and give some hint closer to the start of the story the king has a concern other than his failing colony on his mind.
His wife came from from the independent kingdom
One too many froms.
The babe was still in her belly when the water consumed them both” Tolus admitted.
Comma after ‘both’.
Overall thoughts on chapter 1.
The number one item you need to give priority to is to correct the sentences within quotations so the ones that end with a period instead of a comma are changed.
2nd item is to change all the sentences that begin with the word ‘And’.
This is just me, but like I suggested, you need to give some small clue earlier in the tale that there is a woman in the kings past that for some reason troubles him. However, if you want to spring it all at once as you did, as the author, that is your decision. There are cases where a surprise like that works.
The Devil’s Empire Chapter 2
And even then only a few times in their marriage had something trouble him enough to drink.
Again, drop the ‘and’ at the start of a sentence.
, looking onto the courtyard with his palms resting on heavily on the stone.
Remove ‘on’ between resting and heavily.
He’d have to find investors, architects, and the such.” The King said
Couple of things. First, remove ‘the’ after and and before such.
Next, comma after such, and do not capitalize ‘the’.
Finished the King, finally
Finished should not be capitalized.
This must be some sort of trick, was the only thing that came to her mind.
This must be some sort of trick This is a though and should be italicized.
How could he truly consider this? Was the only thought that came to her mind.
How could he truly consider this?
“I do not know for sure,” The King admitted as
‘the’ does not need to be capitalized.
“Though if a plague were to strike our walls you’d have larger problems than dealing with some far off city,” she said laughing.
I do not think you need the word ‘laughing’ to end this sentence. Perhaps something along the lines of She laughed as she said, “Though if a plague were to strike our walls, you’d have larger problems than dealing with some far off city.”
well while also keeping him safe.” Proposed the Queen.
Change the period after ‘safe’ to a comma, and do not capitalize ‘proposed’
“She is far too young and not to mention our only daughter.” Leti stated with demand in her voice.
With demand in her voice does not seem right to me. I cannot see it anywhere in the sentence that makes sense.
“She is far too young and not to mention our only daughter!” Leti exclaimed.
Doing it this way, with the exclamation point, stresses how important it is to the queen.
“She is the same age as Maritzio Leti,” the King responded.
Comma between Maritzio and Leti.
“And Tolus said our child would not have to sail away for at least two more years. She would be twelve then. More than old enough to leave home if a proper match could be arranged for her,” said the King thoughtfully.
Drop the ‘and’. Remove ‘thoughtfully’ from the end of the sentence.
Thoughts on Chapter 2.
Again you need to edit all the ‘and’s out as the 1st word of the sentence.
Go thru and check all the quotations to ensure you are using a comma instead of a period if the last word in the quotation is not the last word of the sentence.
The Devil’s Empire Chapter 3
As everyone bowed and said their formalities Maurice counted only five advisors. “Where are the other three?” The King asked displeased.
Comma after ‘formalities’.
Remove ‘displeased’ from the end of the sentence. If the king is displeased, say in elsewhere in the sentence.
“Pardon me my King, but since we are enjoying times of peace some lords of the roundtable are back at their castles, their castles, enjoying their families while they can.” Tolus apologized.
Remove period after ‘can’ and replace with a comma. Apologized should not be at the end of the sentence.
Descriptive words such as ‘apologized’, ‘displeased’, ‘thoughtfully’ should not be placed at the end of a sentence. If someone apologizes, they are displeased or thoughtful, state that at the beginning or somewhere in the middle of the sentence.
“Pardon me my King, but since we are enjoying times of peace some lords of the roundtable are back at their castles, their castles, enjoying their families while they can.” Tolus apologized.
Alternative: Tolus was apologetic as he said, “Pardon me my King, but since we are enjoying times of peace some lords of the roundtable are back at their castles, their castles, enjoying their families while they can.”
Also, this is a long sentence, you may want to place an additional comma after the word, ‘peace’.
As everyone bowed and said their formalities Maurice counted only five advisors. “Where are the other three?” The King asked displeased.
As everyone bowed and said their formalities Maurice counted only five advisors. All could hear the displeasure in his voice as he asked, “Where are the other three?”
The men took their chair, everyone except Tolus whose eyes were fixed on the window. “I take it the Prime Master has informed you all about what we are to discuss today.” He said as the young servant filled his cup.
Comma after ‘Tolus’. Comma after ‘today’. Do not capitalize ‘He’.
“And we have already begun to discuss it as well.” He finished.
No ‘and’. Comma after ‘well’, do not capitalize ‘he’.
“While I wish it were different, I have grave worries about the economic impact the reformation of the city would cause for the kingdom.” Louie finished.
You have two paragraphs in a row that end with ‘finished.’
Maurice asked with impatience.
Again you ended the sentence with a descriptive word.
His blonde hair brushed back over his head as his green eyes focused on Lord Joiren almost as if he were
I would place a comma after the word ‘Joiren’.
Lord Hilforth responded with arrogance
Lord Hilforth continued with dismissal.
Here you have two sentences that end with descriptive words.
“ At the very least he is much wealthier than Prince Enrico, your Grace,” he joked.
Unneeded space in front of ‘At’.
Maurice himself killed they boy’s father during the battle, surely the King of Bryon resents him deeply.
‘they’ should be “the’.
Overall thoughts. You have the start of an interesting story here. I am curious as to what comes next and will read it once you post it.
If you remove all the ‘and’s at the start of the sentences, correct all the commas in the quotations, and change the ends of sentences where there is no descriptive words, you will have gone a long way towards editing this story.
Let me know if you do all that and if I can find the time, I will go over it again to find small errors.
Happy writing,
John
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