Jim's (jim-d) Reviews

Review Requests: ON

3,408 Public Reviews Given

3,456 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.

I'm good at...

I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).

Favorite Genres

Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense

Least Favorite Genres

Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.

Favorite Item Types

Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.

Least Favorite Item Types

I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.

I will not review...

I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.

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#4842334

Review of To-by-For (318 Word Count June Entry)

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Improxablity

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a Review!

This is a little comical (add that genre to your post), driven by Dialog. Apparently Barb and Ken (Barbie & Ken maybe?

are in their Bomb Shelter after an explosion, and think they are the only survivors in the world.

I really like that you didn't go into the design of the shelter, nor how much food was on hand, etc. You didn't need that. Well Done!

I don't think Ken planned ahead much at all. He should have downloaded a lot of movies/Fave TV Shows, music of all kinds. With just the two of them in the shelter, they will need it. /nit to mention Novels to read! Those will be run through rather quickly too, unless he downloads hundreds of movies & TV Shows, and had just as many books on hand. He would also need A LOT of music MP3/MP4's too. Thousands. He just didn't think about living their lives alone in that shelter, with nothing to do, watch, read, or listen to. His problem, glad it's not mine.

With the idea that the unthinkable did happen, I'm left wondering where their Electricity is coming from. They could have a generator, but how long would that last? Solar panels might work, depending on cloud cover caused by the Bomb/Nature. Again, you didn't go into that, well done!

A nice light-hearted story driven by dialog. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4842220

Review of Life As A Cliche

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hey bobaturn

,

I found this on Read & Review (again), and just had to stop in for a review.

You had me smiling the whole time I read this. I'm not big on cliche's, but I'd say you hit the ball out of the park with this story. Well done!

I didn't read the contest prompt before reading your story, I really should have. I thought it was a bit heavy on using Cliche's, until I saw the prompt. Wow.

I loved his boss' phrase, putting myself out to pasture. I did that back in May, though I wasn't anyone's boss. I was never asked back,(that's a good thing too), I think they were happy to be rid of me!

It was a win-win if that's the case.

An excellent story full of Cliche's. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4842108

Review of Maybel Bledsoe

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey Than Pence

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in.

You had me wondering where your story was going. I'd already seen that it wasn't too long and knew there was no way anything sexual would happen. Not even a quickie.

You wrote Maybel as a nice person, a little low in intelligence it seemed, but nice nonetheless. Her encounter with the young man was a little odd it seemed, making me wonder what was really going on. Then you hit me with the twist. Well done!

Some of your wording seems a little off in places, you might want to look this over carefully should you decide to edit it. Here's an example: Maybel took a deep breath to puff up her seemingly deflated chest. It made her feel better for but a moment. You don't need the word but here. There are other examples, I will not point them out now because I have no wish to seemingly tear this apart.

I found it a little humorous that Maybel's area was robbed while the young man distracted her.

You can change the rating of this to 13+, there's nothing written that warrants an 18+ Rating. Lowering the rating might make it visible to others who have their view filter set to a maximum of 13+. It's a decent story, thank you for sharing!

Jim

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#4842001

Review of Cappy's Corner: BPD

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hey JJ Del

,

I found this on Read & Review, and thought I'd drop by!

I see you joined Writing.com (a lot of us call it WDC) today, welcome to WDC!

If you want to write, this is the place for you. As for your BPD, we're not doctor's here, we love to read and write. Not being doctors doesn't mean most of us aren't willing to listen to you. We love helping each other with almost anything that's troubling you. Just keep in mind that we're not doctors please.

Here at WDC, we write, review what other people have written, and write more. For example, I'm writing a review of your column now. The way I become a better writer is by reading something written by others. When you receive a review, take what is suggested in it with a grain of salt. Few people here are professionals and know all there is to know about writing. So be careful, read what is said, and do what you feel is right.

Again, welcome to writing.com! I hope you find what you're looking for here. If you're looking to write, look at contests here, there are a lot of those. See you 'round young man!

Sum1

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#4841908

Review of Questionable Matters

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Soldier_Mike

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought stop by!

I love it! A story that's almost all dialog, with an inquisitive 6 year old that doesn't know when, or how, to stop asking questions.

Teddy sounded so cute! Full of questions, maybe a tad hard of hearing? That, or Uncle Jeff whispered a couple of times. I looked for any kind of error I could think of, none found! Excellent job there!

Thanks for sharing this enjoyable read!

Sum1

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#4841815

Review of All Hallows' Eve

Review by Jim

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hey tj gives thanks for all things

,

I found this on the newsfeed and thought I'd drop in.

I won't say much here, but this is great! I make a point to rarely give a 5 star rating, but this deserves all I can give it. Thank you. Happy All Hallows Eve to you tomorrow my friend,.

Jim

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#4841771

Review of Volunteering 101

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hey Jacky

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop in!

You have a few interesting ideas about Volunteering. I say ideas, because I think it's important that you state that these are your opinions (we all know what those are worth), and not based on fact. If these are not opinions, you should provide a reference for each. Why? Because it's important that readers understand why you typed this. Here's a link to an article that provides ten tips on volunteering. It contains 2 of the points in your article, well done there!

https://www.networkforgood.org/volunteer/volunteer...

That article is good for me to pay attention to, as is yours, because I retired in May, and plan on doing some volunteer work. (I needed to have surgery on my back first is why it's been 6 months now). Probably at a local hospital, but we'll see where I end up.

I have to say that 'Taking Charge' is something I disagree with. Again, why? Take the idea of volunteering at a hospital. You don't need someone in charge, you need to know where you're needed, where you're scheduled to be. You don't need to take charge. But, if you're volunteering at an event, the story is different. You may (emphasis on MAY) need to take charge. It all depends on what you're volunteering to do.

It's an interesting article/Flash Fiction, I just think you need to rethink your points. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4841553

Review of Apparition

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hey cassierobbins

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop by for a minute.

You've penned a very interesting story, and despite my comments here, I loved it!

The one thing that caught my attention though, was the part where the Native American apparition appeared. That whole part of the story seemed to be rushed. Almost as if you knew where the scene was going, but didn't build it enough, or weren't quite sure how to build it. You might consider starting with this line (assuming you decide to edit this), The atmosphere around him changed, the hairs on his arms standing erect. But what triggered his body’s reaction?, and ask yourself, Could I slow the pacing some? Can I build this a little?

1. This sentence could be worded slightly differently, should you decide to edit this. He was convinced there would be nothing of interest inside having investigated sites like this enough times to know he’d come up empty handed. Perhaps this would work for you. Having investigated sites like this enough times before, he was convinced there would be nothing of interest inside and was fairly certain he’d come up empty handed.

2. If you do choose to edit your story, you might add a comma here. He felt a stillness devoid of sound lingering within, much like the sensation he’d felt when stumbling upon old cemeteries, something that happened often in his line of work.

3. Another minor comment for you with a re-wording suggestion. Clint turned the flashlight on his cell phone hoping to reveal more details. Perhaps something like this. Clint turned on the flashlight of his cell phone hoping to reveal more details.

4. An added problem was that dusk was rapidly approaching with golden light fading into dove. I don't understand the use of the word 'dove' in this sentence. Is this a typo?

5. I would use single quotation marks here to stress that he's thinking. I would also move the line after it so they're in the same paragraph. You desecrate a holy place. 'You desecrate a holy place.'

You've written an excellent story here, it might need a little editing TLC is all. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4841341

Review of Trapped

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey BIG BAD WOLF is Howling

.

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in.

Wow, what a fix this crow was in! I can't imagine what went through its mind as it struggled to free itself.

This is an excellent free-verse poem, I think your summary below the poem answered many questions someone might have. I only wonder about the act of snapping his trapped foot off. Did you find the foot, or is that an assumption on your part. Just curious is all. Crows are so intelligent though, amazing birds.

I looked at your portfolio, two members listed there are members no longer. I don't know if that's important to you, I just thought I'd mention it.

A sad story about a trapped crow, told well in a free-verse poem. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4841246

Review of What I remember

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey WakeUpAndLive~NOV Word Monger

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop in.

I think it's easy to read something and know it's written from the heart like this one is. It's so hard to have a pet, watch them grow, and enjoy everything they can offer. Their unconditional love.

Then you have to watch them enter their senior years, and realize you don't have much left with them. Like you in your poem, we went thru this with our Pumpkin 3 years ago.

Pumpkin

I'm so glad you moved past their passing and are happy now.

I saw nothing I can comment on in this poem, it's beautiful on its own. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4840630

Review of LIFE

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey Naomi

,
I saw your suitcase on the Read & Review page and thought I'd drop in Review this. While there, I realized it's your Anniversary Month, so why not send an Anniversary Review also, even if the from is on vacation until the New Year? Happy 3^rd WDC Anniversary!

You are very right in saying that things in our lives don't turn out the way we expect them too. After all, I'm not wealthy yet, nor will I ever be really. But I'm rarely disappointed with my life, I've lived a good life, it's not been perfect, but I'm okay with that.

The second paragraph is excellent, I agree that The Most High created us for a purpose, and has a plan for everyone. (I'm glad I don't have to keep track of those billions of plans!) I mentioned being wealthy earlier, I keep in mind the song from Fiddler On The Roof, sung by Tevye. If I Were A Rich Man. Yeah, I doubt I'd know what to do with the money. I would love to help others in any ways The Most High guided me. I do not kid myself that I'd waste some of it. Most of it would be used to help others though.

My only suggestion/comment about your Documentary is that I wish it was a little longer. Maybe adding more about your personal life (not too personal though). Your ambitions, things you love to do or experience. Basic stuff, nothing more. Thank you for sharing, and again, Happy 3^rd WDC Anniversary!

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#4840476

Review of Suspicions

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey NormaJean AKA MarilynMonroe

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in.

Marie sounds so much like the neighborhood nosy person! The banter between her and George was good, it carried the story. Marie reminded me of Mrs. Ochmonek from Alf. She always had her nose in everything the Tanner's did.

Your closing line about the new neighbors being too nice was perfect. I didn't see any obvious errors to comment on though. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4840252

Review of Part 1

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hey justanotherpoethero

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop in.

You made Tommy and the gang very real to me as I read this. I've never been one to hang out at a bar though, but they were real to me. I enjoyed their back and forth banter, it seemed that you might have based on personal experiences?

I think the dialog carried this, and carried it well. Despite all the love I have for this, I did see a couple of things you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. Sure, they set up a speaker behind there on Fridays that means the house band will shatter your eardrums before they’ve finished tuning, and you wouldn’t want to be anywhere on Saturday mornings except up at the bar watching the games and betting pints, but I like to think perfection would’ve robbed that booth of its charm (or at the very least, invited competition from the other regulars). This sentence is a bit long, of the run-on' type. You might consider breaking this up, should you decide to edit this. Here's an example" Sure, they set up a speaker behind there on Fridays. That means the house band will shatter your eardrums before they’ve finished tuning. You wouldn’t want to be anywhere on Saturday mornings except up at the bar watching the games and betting pints. I like to think perfection would’ve robbed that booth of its charm (or at the very least, invited competition from the other regulars), but it hasn't happened yet.

2. There are 2 or 3 paragraph first lines that are not indented like the others. Here's an example: Colleen rolled her eyes. Then, after a few seconds of putting up with our nonsense in silence, she turned to Tommy and casually asked, “So, wanna make out?” Use the {indent} command to indent the first line the same for each paragraph. Maybe you already know this and just forgot, or didn't preview this before posting it.

A very nice story of your people enjoying themselves. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4840119

Review of The Quarry WC 239

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey jackiesmuse

I really loved the idea of your story! This is exactly what young boys would do given the time. I could see them in my mind as they jumped into the quarry. One question (of many) comes to mind. Did Joey really have a cramp, or was his leg also grabbed, like the others?

I do have one overall comment about it though. It's far too short! You start out watching Grandma Katherine make her famous strudel. Your main character is bored, and his mind shifts to the previous day. That's where you can broaden this, should you choose to edit it.

You could go Creature From The Black Lagoon with this if you so chose. Personally, how about a long piece of a kelp like substance that moves almost on its own? It could seemingly grab an ankle. Maybe it doesn't move on its own, but is alive, a bit like Godzilla or Kong. You didn't say you were under a word count; if you were at the time you wrote this, that time has passed, so edit if you like? It just needs more if you ask me.

A good story, but it's far too short.

Sum1

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#4839931

Review of I Choose to Write

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Andrew Hinkley

,

I saw this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in. Boy, am I glad I did!

I really enjoyed your story. The pacing of it was excellent, the plot was tight. The dialog between your main character and the King, the Shadow Figure, and his younger self really moved the story along.

I have two comments for you, neither is meant to be a detraction of the story.

1. Many of us here on WDC are a little older, seeing small font can be challenging. If you decide to edit this, you would use the {Size} command to do this. There are two ways you can accomplish this using WritingML. First, click the gear icon in the upper right corner and select Edit. Next, highlight the entire story and click the icon that has 3 S's on it. You'll then see a font size to choose (this review is written in font size 4). That's all there is to it! After you do that, you'll see {Size:4} (assuming you wanted to use font 4) in front of the first word, and {/size} after the last word. Obviously you can do this by manually typing the Size command (in brackets of course, along with the desired size), and the /size command, again in brackets, after the last word.

2. The other things you can do, should you decide to edit this, is place the title of the story above the main body of the story, and bold the text. Make that text slightly larger than the body's text if you like. You might consider placing a blank space between paragraphs also. These comments are my preferences, nothing more.

An excellent story! I hope to read more of your work in the future.

Sum1

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#4839824

Review of Ghostly or Just Ghastly

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hey thereBdragons

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop by.

When Sam and Judith left on that walk, I was almost sure Sam would kill her. Glad to find I was wrong. That twist at the end was tremendous, thank you!

I enjoyed reading this, it was a cute, though a slightly short, story. Personally, I would like to have known a little more about both characters. That's just my inquisitive nature though.

I did see one very small thing you might want to consider looking at, should you decide to edit this.

1. There actually centuries worth of them. There should be they're. There is used to point out that they are in a location. They're means There are centuries worth of them.

Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4839738

Review of Deora Ar Mo Chroí

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hiya iKïyå§ama

,
I saw this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop by for a visit.

Well, been there, done that. I bet we all have. Not in this fashion, not as blunt as this. And today, we're married. It was a bit of a road to tread, but we did it. She reminds me once in a while about it, I know it's in our past, she can't let go.

I will say that your main character made the same mistake that my buddy Ariel made when he broke up with his girlfriend Mary. I told him he shouldn't, what more can I say? She wanted to get married, he didn't. That was the biggest issue they faced. Maybe they'll get back together, he does feel he made a mistake.

Well written here. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4839586

Review of the candle

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (2.0)

Hey FairyFailWrites

,
I found this on the Read & Review page and thought I'd stop in.

I like your story, but it's far too short. It also needs a good bit of editing TLC.

Every story needs a beginning, and your story has that, in a way. It also needs an area in which the plot and characters can be built. That's missing. The ending is nice in its own way, but it's abrupt and leaves a reader hanging. Here are questions in my mind after reading it.

1. How did Rose come to have a Stiletto in her side? (How did she come to be stabbed.)

2. What significance does the black candle have in relation to your story? Candle is in BOLD text, almost as if you were writing this to meet a prompt. Warrent is also in BOLD font, and misspelled. It should be Warrant, the sang Wild Cherry.

3. Why did Rose lay the stiletto across her sisters throat. Again, what's the significance of that action.

What's missing here are details. The details of any story are the devil. It seems that you have the whole story in your mind. You know what's going on, it's there like a movie playing in your head. Your readers don't have this luxury, and have to guess what's going on. Tell us all about it, tell (and show!) us what's going on.

Other than capitalizing Rose's name at the beginning of this, nothing else is. Except the name of the song Cherry Pie. Other misspellings include extacy, it should be ecstasy. Give this story a nice solid 'look over', edit it, add to it so details of what's happening. Then you'll see better reviews, with higher grades. Honestly, I'm floored that it has an average rating of 4 stars.

Sum1

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#4839389

Review of A Bad Day Turns on a Rose... WC 292

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey jackiesmuse

I saw this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop by for a moment.

This is a nice story, but I feel it lacks depth. What I mean is, Susan meets Tommy, but that's about it. If you were under a word limit, that's one thing. You didn't say that anywhere though.

What I was looking for is, what happened after the two of them had lunch? Sure Susan has a new friend, but he was described as being a bit disheveled. Haircut and bath needed. Yet you ended this with the two of them heading off to Ernie's for lunch.

A complete story needs three foundational elements. Characters (you had that) with Susan and Tommy). The plot, which I'm still trying to figure out, because the plot is the sequence of events. You have that to a minor extent. The third thing is the Setting. The time and place in which the story unfolds.

Maybe I'm just getting old and don't understand things anymore, so I looked this up. Here's the breakdown of each element.

Character: These are the people or entities who populate the story, driving the action and experiencing the events.

Plot: This refers to the events of the story, including how the conflict is developed and resolved. It's the "what" and "how" of the story.

Setting: The setting is the backdrop of the story, providing the time and location where the narrative takes place.

I guess the biggest part that is weak is the Plot. Do you need conflict? No! But you need to develop what happened between Tommy and Susan. Just MHO, I know what it's worth. I thought most of it was lacking depth, with what I'd call a weak ending.

It's a decent story, it just needs a bit of editing TLC.

Sum1

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#4839216

Review of Forbidden Words

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Kenzie

,
I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a review.

This is an excellent story for me really, because I too believe in never saying "I can't." Yoda said something along those lines in The Empire Strikes Back, when he said, "No! Try not! Do or do not. There is no try."

That's something I took to heart when I first saw it so many moons ago. But about your story, it's so well written, covers many topics about trying or not trying.

I particularly loved the part where you said you were perturbed when someone says they can't do something without having weighed all options. Yeah, I haven't lived this fully I'm sure, but I usually refuse to say "I don't know." It's not the same thing, but I hate it when I don't know what's being asked.

This is an excellent reminder to always do something. Don't try, just do it. Do I sound like a Nike Commercial? I really loved your quotes about various topics that you have highlighted with Italics.

I have one very minor comment for you about this.

1. The first line of your story is a larger font than every line after it. I think having all the text the same size is best, especially for us older folks.

This should be featured where many people can read it. It may change a lot or people's outlooks on challenges they face. Thank you for sharing.

Sum1

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#4838653

Review of Runaway

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey Amethyst Autumn Angel

,

I found this on read and review and thought I;d drop for a review!

You've written a nice, touching story that deals with homeless people, as well as reuniting those who are lost (in some way). I enjoyed reading it, but it did seem a little 'shallow'. What I mean by that is that you didn't delve that deep into your characters, and had a plot that didn't seem quite real. Here's my reasoning for saying that.

1. For a young girl of 5 or 6, Alice talked more like a teenager or grownup than a 5 year old. I could be way off saying that, but that's how it seemed to me.

2. I felt that when Joey told Alice that he is her father, it was rather abrupt, he was very blunt about it. That should have been a more gentle approach. Then again, with Joey living on the street, he might not have known any other way. I still think he would not be so up front and accepting of it. (BTW, I knew Joey was Alice's father early on, still..... )

Those statements are not meant to sound like I'm picking your story apart, they are minor things I noticed is all. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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14 days may be credited.

#4838531

Review of Active Imagination

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey Than Pence

.

I found this on read and review, so I thought I should drop by.

This is a decently scary story, it reminds me of The Twilight Zone in a way. Not a particular episode, but to me it is Twilight Zone-esque.

You had me going when his mother woke with Ladybugs all over her legs, and her husband's face covered in them. It didn't bother me, but it made the story. But, there's always that word, But.... I think the segue to that scene was a little abrupt. Should you choose to edit your story, I think you could build this a little more, after this line. She was thankful that he was a creative boy, but she hoped he would loosen his hold on the Pillow Pet sooner rather than later: home-schooling was not something she wanted to always be doing. Maybe something like "She decided to take matters into her own hands and steal Lawrence from her son.

Just a simple line, yet it lets a reader know that things are going to change in the story. A very good story, thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

23

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14 days may be credited.

#4838349

Review of 2. When Darkness Unhinges You.

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

Hey brinas

,

I found this on read and review, thought I'd stop by to read this and maybe give you pointers (if needed) to improve this just a bit.

This is a interesting story, you have raised my curiosity some. In reading it thru, I felt it flowed pretty fast. A little too fast it seemed. Why? Details, those pesky details.

Your description of Cirtha was brief. Too brief with few details. You mention a fog haunting the city. A fog doesn't last very long, unless this fog was artificial, created by someone with power. That's my suspicion, but you don't mention that.

The story moved quickly from Morgana exiting the vehicle to to her meeting a man in a circle of ashes. I liked the dialog, but again, it was too brief and didn't build on the story plot. After telling the man who she was there to free, it moved to the Tribunal which was held in a roofless area. I liked your description of the Judge. The dialog between the Judge and Morgana was excellent, but it left me with questions, and seemed almost incomplete. Why? Because of the speed it moved at.

What is needed in your story, is this. Why does Morgana wish to earn the release of Kael? Why is he so important to her? That's the opening you need after Morgana enters the city. Then you can build the story based on that. Her meeting the man, why can only one be released, again, why Kael? The man in the circle doesn't seem important to the story as written, so tell the reader why he's there. Is he someone who filters those allowed to see the judge? Maybe like a Triage at an accident scene? Tell us!

You next shift to the roofless Tribunal. How did Morgana get there, or was it inside that circle? Without detailing more, that's what it needed throughout the story. You have it all in your head. A reader doesn't. So build it for us!

You wrote Silent black birds watched her from fallen electrical wires. If the lines were fallen, how were the birds sitting on them? It sounds like the wires were attached to a pole on one side, if on the ground, I can understand, if not, I have to wonder.

Thank you for sharing, it's an interesting story.

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

24

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14 days may be credited.

#4838289

Review of Silver

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey Kay Carter

,
I found this on Read & Review ans thought I'd stop by. Your poem speaks volumes to me. We were all there, and though I'm male, I too went through a stage like this.

I think my favorite part or line, was this line: Children and husband of your habits
bounce off the dull, unpolished silver.

Yeah, I can identify with Silver myself. I never thought I was that handsome, not in a Rock Hudson way. (Aging myself here.) Of course I wanted to be, everyone had their favorite star they wanted to be like, mine was Rock Hudson.

I did see one thing that jumped out at me in your poem.

1. You wrote She wasn’t good enough then. You did that a second time too. In doing this though, you shifted from first person POV, to third person POV. Why? In the previous verse, you wrote We all remember my skeletal hands, My says, 'First Person'. Then saying she, third person.

2. General Comment. You might want to center this on the page. Being a bit of a newbie, you can do this a couple of ways. Click the gear icon in the upper right corner and select Edit Item. A new window opens. Highlight the entire poem text, then above the text, click the Center Icon, the same one you see on almost any Word Processing program, like Microsoft Word. While you're editing this, add the title above the body of the poem. Use Bold Text for the title. This is all WritingML, WDC's Meta Language.

If you need any help editing this using that WritingML, ask me, I'll be happy to help,

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

25

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4837791

Review of The History of Modern Medicine

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey tombrown12

,
I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd give it a look. I found it to be interesting and caused me to do a little research into your statements.

What I saw as I read your article, was a lack of documentation. Please allow me to show you what I mean.

In your documentary, you state - After purchasing the German pharmaceutical company that produced war chemicals for Adolf Hitler, Rockefeller used his political influence to pressure Congress to declare natural healing modalities unscientific quackery. Rockefeller then took control of the American Medical Association and began offering large grants to top medical schools, requiring them to teach only his approved protocol. In a documentary, you need to provide a reference for statements like this. None was provided when I read it.

Why do you need to provide a reference for statements? Without documentation, any statement made becomes a 'he said, she said' type of thing. Proof must be provided. It doesn't have to be from a website, it can be from manuals or books that you've read. In providing a reference from a book, be sure to provide the chapter/page number, and quote it completely. You shouldn't paraphrase anything, otherwise it's not a valid reference. Allow me to provide an example of quoting a manual, but using exaggeration instead of actual facts. A Nuclear Submarine has a shaft horsepower of 175,000 SHP, and the shaft can turn at 500 rpm at full speed. Yeah, a nice statement that is completely false. If I added a reference, and changed the numbers so they are accurate, it could be true. I can't do that because that's Classified Information, but you get my point.

As I read this, I got the impression that this is a rant. It's almost a Vendetta against all things Rockefeller. When you write something like this, references are not something you provide if you want to, they are mandatory. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .