Your poem has a very good point. It is inspiring, it says much. At the end it has you saying, "that's right, very true." However I found that much of the wording is above instant recognition/inspiration. You are using words that many people may have to look up in a dictionary. In my opinion that will take away from what could be a very inspiring creation. Make it readable to all and "instantly understandable". I hope this helps because your thought is very good
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